Friday, January 29, 2010

Almost a Meg Ryan "O"....

Alright alright – let me warn you….to most this is going to sound like a normal Mexican supper. Now possibly – to a whole lot of others – this little supper is going to sound a lot like justification to binge (and you might be right) but to me – it was WAY more than that. I had an epiphany – yup – right there in the restaurant. I felt a little like Meg Ryan in that movie where she pretends to have the big O but I didn’t get quite that excited.  I was able to restrain myself.

Let me set the stage. I hadn’t eaten since 11am-ish. It’s 4pm-ish and my hubby and I are grocery shopping. While I am aware that the food gurus say never to grocery shop when you’re hungry – I threw caution to the wind and did it anyway. I know, I’m such a rebel. Yah – they’re right. By the time we get to the second aisle I’m drooling onto the shopping cart. It’s embarrassing to say the least. So this grocery store happens to have a restaurant that serves CHINESE, PIZZA, WRAPS, CHICKEN, MASHED POTATOES, SALADS, AND DESSERTS! It’s like a buffet for the overly famished – created just for little ol me! Now all along the plan was to get groceries and high tail it past this restaurant and go straight to Subway. I was going to stick to my diet come hell or high water. But we got there and OMG – have you ever seen Chinese food look like that? Has pizza ever looked so good? Has the skin on chicken ever been fried that perfect? I’m pretty sure not BUT my husband says “no – let’s be good and do Subway.” First I tell him I hate him and then my sane brain kicks in and thinks “Whew – crisis averted.” We go. We leave. He drags me away while I sob and hold my stomach like I’ve been starved for weeks. We check out. Subway sounds less and less appealing. In fact I hate Subway. Damn Subway and its subs under 350 calories.

Now be aware – my husband is NOT on a diet. Not yet. He starts tomorrow so technically today is his last hoorah – his “Last Supper”. Welllll that changes everything. That gives us a free license to gorge on anything and everything right? I mean tomorrow could never come and would you want your last meal to be deli meat wrapped in bread with chips that taste more like cardboard? NOPE. We decide on Mexican. Now this is the good part – the epiphany is coming! I order nachos, ground beef, lettuce, and cheese on the side. And yes – the serving I get is probably enough to feed half of Africa for a week but still….I cannot waste food in honor of those same people. I talk, I laugh, I eat. I’m getting full….and still I continue to eat.

Now – here’s the difference. Most nights before the meal even came I’d already be feeling guilty. I’d already be ticked at myself for having no will power. I’d already be un-enjoying myself. I’d already regret. But not last night. About halfway through another mountainous scoop of nachos I realized “I’m eating this – I’m CHOOSING to eat this and I’m CHOOSING to be okay with it.” Weirdest thing ever. I’m fully aware that the scale will be up tomorrow and my progress may indeed go backwards but I’m willing to take that risk. I was having a great time – laughing, reconnecting, sitting at a nice restaurant (not Subway benches) – and I wouldn’t have traded it for anything. Not even extra mayo on a cold cut combo. I walked out of there full – so full I was sick – but dammit I was glad I did it. Is that insane? Who does that while on a strict diet?

I do. You know why? Because a really smart woman told me once to stop waiting and putting things off until “I’m skinny”. Life is short, time is precious. The meal didn’t kill me and in fact, it made my night and I’m still committed to my diet today. When little regrets start to creep in (like when the scale indeed went up 1 lb today) I shove them back. I yell at myself in my own head – yes I am crazy – and say “nope – not this time – it was SO worth it”! I wouldn’t take it back. I’m not mad at myself. I’m not even cursing the scale. I didn’t even chop it into little pieces. I actually smiled when I saw it go up. Like “you think you’re gonna surprise me? No freaking way. I know you’re going up and I don’t give a damn! So take that! Me and Sheniqua are rocking today and you can’t change that no matter what you say.”

So there you have it – my little epiphany. Fine – so it’s not as good as it sounds but to me….if you really know me…….it’s life-changing. It’s a moment on this journey I won’t soon forget and it’s helping me forge on like no Subway sub could have done. Who would have thought?

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