Friday, January 15, 2010

It's just me & Drazil...feeling slightly stoppable.

Isn’t it amazing how your mood changes from day to day so drastically? I mean honestly I think we’re all a bit crazy in that regard. In my blog yesterday I was high on life, flying in the clouds, nothing could stop me. I mean I spent most of the day humming “I am woman – hear me roar”.….and today….well, not so much. The day ended well. Sheniqua and I had a battle at the gym and I’m proud to say I won. She’s kind of a wuss and she just hangs there like love handles often do while I ran and sweated my fat baby’s ass off. Sheniqua was defeated if only for that one hour of the day – I owned her and she lost her power. I stepped on the scale this morning and I’ll admit it – Sheniqua took back her power. No change – so I smashed the scale into tiny bits and made a useless mosaic out of them. Well not really, but I wanted to. It’s good to report – mood and all – I am still motivated. I’m not giving up, I’m staying on track, I’m tracking food like never before thanks to my BFF, I’m still keeping up this blog which is a totally new thing and a major goal of mine and I haven’t had candy since Tuesday thanks again to my BFF and I’m just not willing to say the hell with it yet. I turned down candy yesterday, a 400 calorie muffin and even free Pizza Hut……now shouldn’t I get to eat a blizzard just as a reward for all of that? The ONLY reason I feel slightly stoppable today is a migraine has invaded my life again and once again I have been forced to remember I am a migraine sufferer. On days when I don’t have one I run around pretending I’ll never get another one…like I don’t even have to watch for symptoms and then BAM – I feel it. The tiny physical nagging that soon turns into a huge mental clamoring and the record starts to play…. I tell myself “it’s not a migraine, it’s just a headache.” Or “you can handle this, you just need sleep.” Or “you’re not going to have to take meds for this one, it’s going to be fine.” Or “if you wait long enough I’m sure you won’t want to crawl in a hole and die.” And they’re all lies. And it makes me sad. You can’t explain migraines to someone who has never had one…it’s pain like no other. If you’ve had a child and you know that restful, I feel great, this isn’t so bad moment in between contractions….it’s like that when you don’t have one. However, when you feel one coming it’s like that same fear of a contraction coming and you know you can’t stop it and you don’t know if you can get through it and no one can help you and you’d almost rather die than feel it again. This pain is debilitating and makes you instantly angry at the world – mostly because there’s no cure and you’ve got things to do, a life to live – and the migraine couldn’t care less. So yah, I’m getting healthy, eating better, sleeping better, working out – changing my life – and yet BAM the migraines still come and I come back to reality and realize I may never be 100% healthy and with every blink of my eyes the pain increases until finally I decide to take the pill…..I’ll do anything if it means this pain will stop….and yup I was the same woman who just a moment ago swore I could get through this. Excuse the rambling…..I think it’s the pain talking…..

2 comments:

Jennifer said...

You are the most unstoppable person I know! And look at you kicking Sheniqua's rear all over the place! And I have a feeling before the weekend is over you might kick your BFF's rear in this candy challenge. I'm not giving up though...eye on the prize.

Alexis said...

Ugh, I totally feel you on this post (I'm going through and reading your blog from the beginning). I too get migraines and my husband just does not understand them at all. He's sympathetic, but he just can't relate when I have to go into our bedroom, shut the door and try everything to keep from screaming. I take Maxalt at the onset of a migraine, but unfortunately the meds never really work. Sleep and quite and time are what help me. I notice that when I tend to eat real, whole and clean foods that I get migraines less often. When I notice that i'm eating a lot of processes (ie bad for me) foods, I get the headaches stronger and more often....just something to think about :)

I'm so sorry that you deal with these and I truly do feel your pain.

Now...on to reading more of your blog!