Sunday, February 7, 2010

Bikinis in February should be outlawed...

Fine. I did it. I put on a damn bikini even though the temp outside is negative something and there is snow everywhere. It took me 20 minutes to find the thing in the drawer and I packed them all - because we all know they're all not going to look right so I have to try them all on and then pick the "least flab showing" one. Yes, annual family waterpark event. But get this. Two days ago I get a leaf-y/vine-y/butterfly-y tattoo on my back so I wasn't allowed to get wet - yahoo! That means I can keep a shirt on for a reason! Now if you think I did that on purpose....well fine - you're right. Honestly I don't know what's worse...the whole side rolls I got going on with my BIF (Butt In Front) or being scared one of my nipples is going to pop out at any moment. No woman could have invented a bikini I tell you.
Well actually it's not the bikini's fault. 10 years ago I had breast reduction and while my ta-tas are now a normal size - my you know whats are in the dead center of said ta-tas - which is odd I think and very prone to coming out of a bikini top. 30 pound boobs vs. centered you know whats and I'd choose the you know whats every time. Sooooo in honor of my best friend who tells me to not wait to live life until I'm at my goal weight and who tells me live it up and strut my stuff - I rocked that leopard bikini....right after I quietly asked my husband if it was appropriate to show that much skin in the presence of young children. His response? "God, the only thing that would make it better would be if you had your old boobs back." He doesn't get it. If I still had those boobs - they'd be tucked into my bikini bottom. They wouldn't look like boobs - they'd be more like tube socks with bowling balls at the bottom of them.
But yah, once or twice I even took my shirt off. I also had a tummy tuck two years ago after losing 70lbs and I didn't even give a darn about covering that scar. Let 'em think what they want. I earned that scar and every other one on my body. I think I even saw some old geezer checking me out. I winked at him, tucked my nipple back in my bikini and RAN!

3 comments:

Jennifer said...

Haaaaha ha ha ha!!!! I LOVE IT!!

Rebekah said...

OMG!!! That's great! I want to hear about your tummy tuck AND your reduction!! I want both!!!

Your blog is AWESOME!!!! I love the idea of drazil and shaniqua--and I googled the inner lizard thing and am going out to the bookstore now to get some of her books! Any that you would recommend the most?

Drazil said...

Hi Rebekah - OMG - ask me anything - I'm an open book on my plastic surgeries. I wonder what I'll cut off next! And I love love love Martha Beck. Steering by Starlight was so good and all of her others - so so good. I'm an idiot on this blogging thing and wish I could find more blogs about tummy tucks but I don't know how to! Thanks for following!