Saturday, February 20, 2010

Headbanging = Snow White bandaid....'s another weekend and my house is a dee-zaster again so I get up early with the intention of cleaning the house from top to bottom. Fine. Good. I'll watch DIY network the whole time and pretend I'm some fancy-schmancy cleaning organizing designer who gets paid 300 bazillion dollars an hour and everything will go smoothly. Fine. Good.

I start - bedroom first. GAWD this sucks. This is not what a Saturday should look or feel like but I putter on. In the background I hear some gorgeous whiny-voiced housewife say "well, we only budgeted $100k for our kitchen so I couldn't get the wine chiller I wanted". Wine chiller? Are you kidding me? I bet she has 3 kids and no stretch marks either. DIY network was a mistake. I switch to the heavy metal Sirius music station. ♪♫

I move on to the office. What the holy hell happened in here? I think I'm in Kansas - cuz it looks like a tornado went through here. No matter - Ozzy is rocking....Korn and Disturbed are next. I'm headbanging like a stoned teenager until crap - I got a little over-involved and headbanged my head on the TV shelf while I was trying to dust it. THIS is why I don't dust. Where the hell are the band-aids? Time for a channel change again. I'm too old to headbang.

Me and my Snow White bandaid are moving on. Kids are awake now so it's Mickey Mouse Clubhouse channel time. Ugh. For real? Whatever - I keep cleaning - I turn on the vacuum and the kids and the cats go screaming and scattering. This is because the last time they heard a vacuum was when they were in my womb. Um, I am no fan of the vacuum. And Mickey has got to go.

FINALLY. A fat show. Something about dieting and white-knuckling it and working out and hating every moment of it. I CAN SO DO THIS channel! I am renewed. On to one of the last rooms. This is where it gets dicey. I get a huge burr up my butt and decide - hmmm - wouldn't that DVD/DVR/surround sound cabinet look better on the other side of the TV? Yes - it's time for something new.

I'm not kidding - I start doing this and I'm swearing like a drunk truck driver in seconds. I'm stuck behind the TV for a good 15 minutes wrapped in more wires than a human has ever seen. Of course you say - unplug the wires - duh! NO freaking way. I unplug one of those hundred wires and I screw something up and my husband will need therapy to recover. I swear to God - halfway through I'm dying - I want to sit down on top of the wires and CRY my eyes out. But nope - I'm a woman dammit. How can I not figure this out? HEAR ME ROAR! This is what I want and I'm going to get it. I unhook a few to green - God remember red to green. I unplug safe things - Playstations, clocks, etc. No harm done. I finish it and viola! I HATE IT! If my little girls weren't in the room I would have thrown a tantrum not even Amy could compete with. It is so ugly there - it's awful - disgusting - I can't stand it. This means I have to do it all again - which I do. Not before I stand up and realize I'm sweating like a pig and smelling my old teenage boyfriend who couldn't figure out how to use deodorant. This is ridiculous. If anybody had watched what I had just done - and then undone - it'd be on America's Funniest Home Videos.

I put the damn TV back together just like it was. I move the couch now because I can do that and no one will get killed or maimed. I grab the Pringles. I watch the fat show. I want to throw up. I'm exhausted. It's 10:00am. Is it wrong to nap at 10am? GAWD - it's going to be a looonnnnggg day.

Do any of you think my mood has to do with the fact that it's been two days since I've had sugar? That's what I'm blaming it on instead of the fact that I have a va-jay-jay. That stupid thing gets me nothing but trouble. UGH!

♥ Smooches ♥ Hugs ♥


Sarah said...

OMFG... I'm laughing (inside) so loud! Love the post... I can completely relate because I've been all those places (except the heavy metal Sirius channel)... enjoy the pringles and start fresh tomorrow... good for you for cleaning. I gave up and hired someone! LOL...

Drazil said...

OMG - I'm so have a cleaning lady! I don't do heavy metal often - but cleaning makes me do crazy things!

Rebekah said...

I SOOOO know the feeling!! I get in those moods where EVERYTHING has to be switched around and then I hate it, too!! My downstairs room makes me cringe and totally disturbs my calm every time I walk in, because it's arranged in the only way the dumb treadmill would fit!! How am I ever going to find "thinner peace" with a whack arranged room?!?! BTW!!! I think Drazil is my Ex-Husband based off of your last post!!!!!!!! hahaha... I love your blog!

Girl Bandit said... are so funny!!!! Sounds like your deserved the pringles but sorry you feel so bad about it!!!! Hope the day got better