Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I despise Sheniqua....so I'm giving her up for Lent...




GAWD – if only it were that easy. Give up my fat (Sheniqua) for Lent and she’d be instantly gone. Instead I’m sitting here wondering if I should give up sugar or soda or swearing or sex. Oh that’s right – my husband threatened divorce if I choose the last one in that list.

Which brings me to swearing. Let me tell you – that ain’t gonna &$#@! happen. This morning I already called Sheniqua an effing cow and told her to go to the underworld – aka HELL. It’s my guilty pleasure – swearing like a drunken whore waiting for the sailors to come in and partake of my many gifts. All day long I’m prim and proper and professional and at night I’m hug-y with my girls and love-y with my husband but once in a while I need to just scream the F word and return to my dark side. It heals me.

So that leaves soda. Um nope – I’m chugging a Mountain Dew right now. Oops.

So I’m left with sugar. F-I-N-E. I’ll do it. And by sugar – let’s be clear – I mean sweets like cake, candy, chocolate, etc. I’m not counting the sugar in my soda or regular food. Man alive – am I really dumb enough to think Jesus gives a crap about how much soda I eat? Whatevah.

Back to despising Sheniqua by the way. Her and her stupid ideas. SHE is the reason my aching body decided I should try doing the P90X fitness program. My brain never would have attempted such a thing. I tell you – I hurt in places I didn’t know I had body parts. I get up from a chair and I groan – out loud. I walk like I have a corn cob stuck up my @ss. My boobs even hurt. I didn’t even work them puppies out….but they hurt. My entire body is screaming “you idiot – you deserve this pain”! I am certainly not the fitness queen I thought I was. I’m not kidding – it hurts to breathe. I think my ears even hurt. Okay maybe not….

Oh and for those of you thinking I completely missed the entire meaning behind giving something up and Lent and all that….get your panties out of your behind….I’m going to redeem myself. Along with giving up sugar I’m going to give more of me to my family and friends. I’m going to sit less in front of the TV and computer and sit more in front of my children. I’m going to be less self-absorbed and be more absorbed in the people around me. How’s that??

I still hate Sheniqua though – no Lent anything is going to change that.

4 comments:

Jennifer said...

I'm laughing out loud and I don't care who hears me. This is my favorite blog post ever.

carla said...

LOL !!! You are too funny!!!
I am debating on whether to give up chocolate for Lent!!! Its going to be a long 40 days if I do as that is my treat a day that I give myself

Rebekah said...

Hahaha....I think you're making Sheniqua a little nervous! And P90X!!!??! OUCH! My husband bought that and did it ONE time--he moaned for days!!! I never worked up the nerve--I think if it were anyone hotter than Tony Whats-his-name I might have had more motivation, but just can't do all that for HIM!!

Kathi said...

Boot camp, P90X same dang difference...if I groan when I get up or sit down, it does sort of help..or that's what I tell myself.
But being the loop hole lover that I am...remember the 40 days and 40 nights don't count Sundays...its a DAY OFF! No candy or ice cream for me...but Sundays...its ON! Ice cream for breakfast baby! :)