Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Peeing Debacle....

I told you - bodily functions rule my life lately I swear. First let me say I am usually an at-home pee-er only. I’m not so much afraid of public restrooms – I just never have to go so I wait until I get home. Well - as of January 1 when I chose to drink more water – that no longer applies so I’m forced to use the bathroom at work.

I swear to God every bit of this story is true. Scout’s honor.

Rewind a few hours. My office happens to be right outside the bathroom (great huh?). The ONLY time this bothers me is when a certain man goes in there and he explodes. I imagine an atomic bomb going off in there. How do I know this? Because I hear it. There are times I can be deep in thought writing something and the “noise” is so loud (toilets echo you know) and sudden that I jump in my chair and I make a pen mark across the page. Nice. No one should be scared by a that kind of noise in the middle of the work day – or ever actually. So then I deal with him coming out and me either flipping him off or pretending I didn’t hear everything that went on in there. He sometimes even stops to chat and I have to try not to scream “I KNOW WHAT YOU JUST DID IN THERE!” It completely depends on my mood how I handle the “aftermath”. Most of the time I’m too busy checking to see if he has all his body parts to care about flipping him off. I swear – noises like that and you’ve got to lose a limb or something.

Anyway – after this happens I mentally try to remember the time and remember NOT to go in there for a few hours. This water drinking thing has me all screwed up though. I forget cuz I gotta pee BAD cuz I wait too long. Sooooo the debacle begins.

Now….I’m not on any birth control and it is possible AF (Aunt Flo or Ass Face – whichever you prefer) could be coming so I’m best friends with panty-liners until I know when the snot arrives. I take a tampon with me to every bathroom trip just in case. It’s habit. First I walk into the bathroom and I nearly fall down. No human can leave behind a smell like this. It’s not possible. At this point my zipper is already down though and there’s no turning back – I have to suck it up (or quit breathing) and go pee. I set down the tampon on top of the toilet paper dispenser only to realize it’s not a tampon. I grabbed a tube of Vagisil. Oh shut up – we’ve all used it. I’m an over-achiever and carry it in my purse. Fine.

First – no freaking lie – I have to put down the seat and rest assured girls – I slam it down so Mr. Caveman can hear it and know I don’t appreciate doing this! I sit down after I inspect for someone else’s pubic hairs. Gag! OMG – my freaking string from my tie pants has just dropped into the toilet water. What the holy hell do I do? Explosion man was just in here – can you imagine the germs? I calm down. I must go on.

I now decide I hate this panty-liner and I’m safe without it. I rip it off – fold it up – stick it to the top of the toilet paper holder for when I’m done. Right next to the lovely Vagisil. I pee. All is well. I have decided that I’ve been sweating a lot “down there” when I work out and I’m uber afraid of getting yeast infections so hey – the Vagisil is here. I might as well put it to good use. I put a little on. All is well again.

Now there’s the problem of trying to pull my pants up with one hand as the other is now not clean. It cannot be done. So I waddle like a duck – baby steps – with my pants around my ankles and my hands up in the air – while I haven’t breathed in 10 minutes. The sink looks like it’s a mile away.

I wash. Someone else – Mr. Explosion Pants – washed too and left Niagra Falls on the sink so of course when bending in my shirt soaks up said Niagra Falls and now I am soaked. It’s like a neon sign pointing at my stomach that says “my stomach is so big it rests on the sink when I wash my hands so I get all the water left behind”. Ugh.

I pull up the pants – now a new complex has formed. Those pants slid across the bathroom floor. Ack. I am covered in germs now. I’m not sure I can go on. I have to get out of there. I leave. I’m back in my office – content with life.

I see my boss walk by. He’s going into the bathroom. AND HOLY CHEESE AND RICE! Do any of you know why I’m freaking out here?????????????????

I forgot the used panty-liner and Vagisil on top of the toilet paper holder.


I have two choices. Lose those two items forever and pretend they are not mine OR mow down my boss and get back to that bathroom before he does. I choose #2. He saw me come out – he knows whatever is in there is mine.

I know most of you are nearing a panic attack for me but calm down everyone – all is still well. Turns out my boss was going to use the copier in that bathroom hallway and not use the bathroom. I non-chalantly go back in the bathroom and act like I’m just in there to use hairspray……….and RETRIEVE MY EMBARRASSING TOILETRIES. I nearly had a heart attack. I broke out in hives. I refuse to pee the rest of the day here.

On the way back out - Jeeessssuuuuuss – there goes Explosion Man again. Right about now I’m thinking I should have lined the toilet seat with my Vagisil.

And this folks is why I can’t focus on a daily basis and turn to blogging. You can’t make this sh!t up. Why would you even want to?


Kim said...

OMG...I could not stop laughing while reading this!!!

Rebekah said...


BanderificBeauty said...

OMG that will have me rolling all day. I would have just died right there in the bathroom with the germs alone. If Id been caught with people knowing my personal toiletries usage I prob would have to quit the job. I am so weird about that. If I have them in the home trash I hide it or take the trash out with like a toilet paper roll, some tissue, and the used personal item. Wow what a rough morning. I hope it gets much better!!!!!!!

Tamara said...

You are so funny! I could not stop laughing. To hilarious! You know we can all realate too, that is what is so funny!

Jennifer said...

I'm 2 states away and I'm traumatized by that guy!
Plus, things brought up my own OCD issues re: sharing a work bathroom with some people with digestive problems. THE HORROR!!!