Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Questions from Lizard and Lardbutt....

Also know as Drazil and Sheniqua….and me….the woman underneath it all. I am feeling contemplative today and so am asking myself some tough questions and trying to answer.

Question #1

Why was it so hard to post those pictures and why does everything in me want to take them down NOW?

I think it’s the guilt. Tummy tucks are expensive and I for once in my life had to do something solely for me. I had to take money from our family budget (though it was from MY part-time job) to do this. I swore I’d never be vain enough to have cosmetic surgery. Yet I do not think it’s vain. Yet if any woman I know chooses it – I’ll be the first one to drive them to my plastic surgeon’s office. Why can’t I feel worthy enough to have what I want every woman alive to have? My older brother who competes in tri-athlons and has a body to die for said to me when I asked him what he thought of me getting a tummy tuck - “You worked your ass off to get this far – why on Earth would you not go the full mile and have this last step?” Indeed.

(And by the way – thank you for your comments on my pics. My BFF has said the same things to me forever…and though I believe her….I can’t see it and I actually want to. I’m not a fan of women who can’t see their own beauty but I can never see what she sees. So thank you – I know she’s glad you all backed her up. I can see her laughing and saying “I told you so”. LOL – I ♥ U Jennifer)

Question #2

Why can’t I let go of the pain and memories?

What pain? 8 days after my tummy tuck, my parents went through a natural tragedy that took everything they owned within minutes. Gone. So in the next minute they were living with me and my hubby and kids. It was the hardest, most emotional, most stressful thing I’d ever been through. And I had been cut from hip to hip only 8 days before and was supposed to be resting. I had complications due to being too active with the cleanup and I will always wonder how my recovery would have been without that. Today I drove by what is left of their house and bulldozers are parked there. Now I know they will tear it down – and I thought that’s what I wanted – but not today. Today when I drove by I wanted to stop the car and sob and run and scream NOOOOO – please don’t. Two years later – and I can’t let go. Yet it is over. Why can’t I get that?

Question #3

Why do I care about remaining anonymous in this blog?

Who the hell knows? I mean anyone with a brain who knows anything about me could easily put the details together and figure out who I am if they came across this blog. Why do I pretend that isn’t true? Why am I jealous of all your beautiful faces on your blogs and your ability to put it all out there? What am I hiding? What would happen if someone knew? Would the world end? Will I ever not hide?

Question #4

Okay not a question – a statement. A few days ago I posted a list of things I do to help me stay on track and lose weight as a reminder to me. I forget a few things so am adding them now.

• I carry my fat pictures with me
• I take CLA and flax oil every day
• I eat almost the same food every single day at the same times – until supper. If I venture too far from that I get a taste of what I’m missing and I go too far and binge.

Question #5

When will I believe I may actually know what I’m doing in weight loss?

Odd question and what I mean is – I don’t get this last 9 lbs I’ve lost. I love it but seriously – most of it has been this month and it hasn’t been that hard. I mean not easy (stop throwing things at me, I’ll explain) but easier than I remember. I used to run 5-6 miles a day and lift weights and eat a stricter diet and it was so hard to lose. Now I’m more into working out every other day and I barely hit 3 miles. And yet I’m losing weight. I don’t get it. Do I just not remember that it worked this way before or am I really finally healed from surgery and the swelling? Could it be?

Question #6

Did you know fat people are harder to kidnap?

OMG – I just saw that on a t-shirt in a book and had to add it. GAWD that’s funny. I want that shirt.

Whew – questions over. Being serious in this blog is so much harder than trying to be funny. I’m exhausted. I need a Twinkie.

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪  Being fat is HARD. Being thin is HARD.
               Choose YOUR hard. ♪


Gilly said...

HA!! I have that poster (fat kids are harder to kidnap)! Hilarious!

Cheers to you and your tummy tuck! I will probably definitely have one too, should I be so lucky to get to be as skinny as you. Was the surgery really painful and awful...tell the truth!

Amy W. said...

Oh my gosh....i had a dream about twinkies last night! What great questions.

About the TT-don't stress about doing something for you. it is done. You deserved it. Think of all the money you wont be spending on fat food and stuff in your lifetime...that money just went to your tummy.

I am sorry to hear about your parents and their house. Was it your childhood house? If so, some of us just have this attachment to our houses that we grew up in. I was lucky enough to grow up in the most wonderful house in the most wonderful neighborhood....not bc it was anything great or expensive but bc it lent itself to such great memories. My parents sold the house and live on a boat in alabama now. I still dream about "my house"...

about being anonymous...ah hell...I dont know either.

Question five...well, when you figure it out email me asap.

Rebekah said...

About the TT guilt--would you cast the same judgement about yourself taking money out of the family budget for getting yourself a car that cost the same $$? Prob'ly not. And the car would wear out in a few years and you'd have to spend more $$ to get another one. Flat tummy--priceless!!
I'm so sorry about your parent's home! What timing!!

Kristin said...

Your brother hit it right on the head - that tt money was well spent. In fact, my parents offered to pay for some of my band surgery and I told them to hold onto it till I'm ready for the tt. Although you did manage to scare the shit out of me re the pain.

When I first started my blog, I only used my middle name, refused to post a picture and wouldn't post my weight.

Now... meh. If someone I know finds it, what're they gonna do, call me fat? But do what makes you feel comfortable. Truth is, no one really "knows" anyone here - well, except for the real-life friends. Don't lose sleep over it. If you want to tell something, tell it. It's OK to keep some things private.

LDswims said...

Re: #1 - don't feel guilty. Think of it as the thing to finalize your embracing completely, for once and for all, this new lifestyle. It's the exclamation point at the end of this journey - you won! It's not selfish at all. There were a myriad of factors that went into the decision and all told - it will help you to be around longer for your loved ones. Nothing to feel guilty about there!

Re: #2. I don't think you should or can, really. Those memories have made you the person you are today. What you can and should do is accept and if you were harmed, even if by the universe, forgive. There is a master plan out there and this all contributes to who you are. That experience, tough as it was, also gives you the ability to be empathetic and to ponder things you might not have pondered otherwise. It made you stronger...and more resolute. I have found that some of my most painful memories have resulted in some of my most beneficial events. Hard at the moment you are going through them, but long run, I'd do them again to get back to where I am now.

Re: #3. It's a comfort level thing. It's ok. Don't ever feel pressured to think you should change this. You are blogging, first and foremost, for you. It's about you. It's ok.

Just my $0.02.

Hugs right back atcha!

Shaggs said...

There's so much I want to say about your post but all I'm going to say is - I'm hearing ya! On the same page baby. Just remember to keep loving yourself - treat yourself like your own best friend. You know, people say that obesity is a protection thing to keep yourself "safe" from negativity of some form or another the funny thing is - I think the only thing I was protecting myself from was me and my hatred of myself and yet I was locked in with myself under all the fat. I'm going to go a disappear up my own psychoanalysed arse now.

Shaggs said...

Oh and my kids just asked me yesterday "Mum, whats a Twinkie??" we dont have them here are they just like a cake kinda thing?

banderificbeauty said...

Your pics were awesome and you should be very proud! I know I will never get a TT but you better believe if I had the money Id do it in a second. That is your treat for loving you and losing. I dont care if you reveal who you are or not because I love your blog ;) And your characters give the giggles each time they pop up!