Friday, February 19, 2010

Sure...Drazil might look all cute and green like his cousin Kermit.....but beware....

....he’s a bona-fide A-hole. (Yup – one sentence in and I’m swearing already).

Oh Drazil….how I hate you (almost as much as Sheniqua)! (for info on who the heck Drazil is – see his ever-charming bio above) If you read Martha Beck’s book like our fellow blogster Rebekah did - you’ll realize that most people’s inner lizards are nasty, scaly, ugly, hissy-fitty and the like. After all – they only spew insults and crap from their vile little mouths. But nope – not my Drazil. Look at his pic. He’s so cute – you just want to pinch his little cheeks.

Therein lies the problem. He makes me want to crawl in his lap (in my head he’s much bigger than his picture) and go to sleep while he pets my head and hums a lullaby (insert rock-a-bye ♪♪ baby song ♪♪). He’s so comfortable to me – I fall into his trap every day. He’s been with me for 35 years….part of me doesn’t know what to do without him.

But my GAWD – he has a rap sheet bigger than Charles Manson. He smells too. And he might look soft – but again – that’s a crock. He’s as scaly as lizards come I tell you. And do you know what he says every damn day like a broken record player? Here’s just a preview:

“You suck – you can’t lose weight to save your fat baby’s @ss!”
“Can’t you do anything right? I’m perfect – why can’t you be?”
“Do you really think you deserve all these blessings?”
“You’re kidding yourself if you think you can walk out of the house in that.”
“Eat the candy – me and Jesus are tight and he doesn’t really care about Lent.”
“You paid out your ass for a tummy tuck and you still look like that?”
“You might have lost 70lbs but you’re going to gain it all back.”
“I’ll be waiting for you the minute you open your eyes in the morning.”

Nice huh? And the whole time he’s usually eating some teeny tiny salad, wearing a damn Armani suit, talking on the phone to the Geico gecko or doing his 100th pushup…..screeching “IN YO FACE MAMA”!

Whatevah! I got my own damn teeny tiny salad, I got thongs from the upscale Walmart with a bow on them, I can talk on the phone to my best friend (luv you dear ♥) who’s a hit in the blogger world and I can do a pushup….well sort of…one of them girly on my knee ones - but still.

Drazil – you can kiss my fat baby’s ass. I stepped on the scale today and it was 168.5. You must have hopped off my shoulder for a bit you lardo warty-face. I’m changing every day – inside and out….and I’m totally outing you. Before I’m done everyone will know who you are and be on the lookout for you and any of your slimy cousins (Kermit the Frog excluded…he’s too adorable).

So take your rap sheet and your mucous laden little fingers (do lizards have fingers?) and go latch on to someone’s else’s shoulder…….for today anyway. I’ll let you back on mine tomorrow. Let me just have today mmmmkay??????

1 comment:

Barbara said...

Hey Drazil.. I have nominated you as a beautiful blogger.. love your posts.