Thursday, February 18, 2010

This Catholic girl ain't no role model...

My poor blog followers – you have to read this confessional because I’m too afraid to step in a church and do it the right way. I’m convinced lightening would strike and blow up the centuries old church and my GAWD – I can’t be responsible for that.

So here we go – gut-spilling time. Lent started yesterday and I gave up sugar….because I couldn’t give up swearing, gossiping or sex basically. Um yah – sugar cookies at work today. Now these aren’t your “someone baked these days ago” sugar cookies. These are sugar cookies baked just a few hours ago by Betty Crocker. Betty-freaking-Crocker I tell you. You bite into them and you nearly have a frosting-gasm. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! Now they aren’t huge but who cares? I SAID NO SUGAR DAMMIT < there I go swearing again! So I’m pulling a do-over – just like when I was three and I swung at the ball and didn’t hit it and I got to do it over – no strings attached. I start again tomorrow.

Oh and I sent my little girl to school today though she swore 50x over she was sick. Yah right – she is not – she doesn’t look sick. Put on your boots – we’re going. After all I go to work feeling like dog poop every day – suck it up – this is life. Yup – mother of the year award winner right here. And yah – by 10am I got a call from school…..:”Can you come get her? She’s sick.” Of course she is - SURE – I have nothing better to do than kick my own ass for sending her in the first place. Yup – that was me swearing again. You should have heard me in the car going to get her.

And OMFG (sort of swore there) … yesterday was the big day – Ash Wednesday. Like the Holy Grail of big days in a Catholic’s world and so the whole no meat thing is pretty big. You’re even supposed to fast. Um yah – I’m not capable of fasting (see sugar cookie paragraph above) so I did the no meat thing. I got home and berated the husband because he was having tacos. I did the “I’m holier than thou” look down my nose at him and also did the “I’m going to Heaven and you’re not” speech and said I wasn’t going to eat any of that delicious looking taco meat smothered in salsa. Yah – Satan is alive and well and he lives in my house. He told me Jesus would love me even if I ate that taco stuff….so I did.

AND the topper of the night – instead of CCD my little girl was supposed to go to Ash Wednesday mass. Didn’t happen. I told you I can’t step foot in a church didn’t I?

So today I’m picking out material….for my chair…next to the Devil. I’m convinced I’m going to Hell and it’s going to be hot and plain down there so I figure I’m going to spruce my spot up a bit and get some sunflower or polka-dot material to cover my chair with. Or maybe there aren’t chairs down there (I should be looking for comfy shoes instead) – maybe you have to stand for all of eternity.

Moral of the story is - beware – screw with Ash Wednesday and you’ll be living with the other rebellious hellions for the rest of your days. And I’m pretty sure there aren’t sugar cookies in Hell either. Dammit. (I just threw that one in for good measure.)


Amy W. said...

hahaha, can I just tell you that I love your blog? Love the layout, etc....

you make me giggle.

Drazil said...

You're too cute Amy! I gotta get me some more followers - I'm starting to get a complex! I've been at 20 forevah! HAHAHA And yah - today Jennifer and I changed our layouts - so much fun! Did you see hers? Hers is stunning cuz she actually puts pics in hers!

Sarah said...

LOVE IT! I work for the Catholic Church... totally laughing out loud reading your post! Between that and being Episcopalian, I can relate... don't give up sugar - take something on!!! :-)

Kathi said...

Loved it and you! My personal fave from the 'catholic-isms" when something happens coincidentally after saying something sacriligious.. see, God punished you! How many times did I hear that one after saying a swear word and then tripping over my own feet, just Jesus giving me his two cents!
I'm in too, no candy or ice cream..except on Sundays, then I'm having Milky Way ice cream at every meal! :)