Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I bet you all forgot what tomorrow is....

Well besides April Fool's Day - it's the day I get to weigh in and my goal is 161.  Remember? 

Why on God's green Earth I decided to remind you when I bet you all forgot is beyond me.  Apparently I'm an accountability whore too. 

On the slightly huge chance I don't make my goal tomorrow - I'm all ready to post my April goals since we start the challenge here at work - in hopes of distracting you from the fact that I suckola!  I'm going to kick azz and take names I tell you.

Now excuse me while I go saw off my left leg.  I never met a goal I couldn't reach.  If I have to cut off my left leg to do it - so be it.

Oh and get this - last night driving home I was behind a total man truck (you know the ones - rusted doors, bumper falling off, playboy stickers in the mirrors and $1000 tied up in tire rims while his tail light is taped up with RED duct tape) and his bumper sticker said,


I had to resist the urge to get out of my car and go yell in his window, "Hell yah I got balls - balls of steel - didn't you read my blog about kicking Martha Stewart's ass a few weeks back?  You wouldn't question my have ball-ness if you had!  Now move on Cowboy before I throw Sheniqua at this thing you call a truck."

Whew....little pent up aggression huh?  Poor little Cowboy....

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

My *Get out of Jail Free* card came……

…..and Drazil is PPEEEE-ISSSEEDD off.

I had a huge epiphany….like big enough that I feel like the huge gorilla on my back has been lifted off. It stems from the Laura S. book I’m reading and seriously every person on Earth should be required to read that book. I wasn’t abused in any way and have no major trauma from childhood BUT I have still have scars and wounds from parents who made mistakes (like we all do)….and the book still applied to my life a lot. Seriously life-changing – even more than Martha Beck’s books that changed me forever.

Back to my epiphany. Have you guys ever heard the old adage, “You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else and before anyone else can love you fully.”? Well, I’m here to say that statement has always confused me and angered me and well, frankly - I think it’s bullsh*t. I have a lot of people in my life and as sure as I stand here today I love them with every fiber of my being – and I did so even when I hated every part of me. I used to wonder how the hell could it be that someone could say I couldn’t love anyone unless I loved myself….when the fact was I gave my heart and soul to everyone around me and loved them unconditionally? How could you say that wasn’t real – because I hated myself? Really – how could you unvalidate my love so easily? And on the other hand – you mean to tell me no one really does love because I can’t love myself? Well that just cements my feelings of not wanting to risk loving anyone else……

It was like putting conditions on love…..“no one can love you until you love yourself”…..nice. When I don’t like myself isn’t that when I need other’s love the most?

In Laura’s book (I act like I know her huh?) she says this whole thing is a crock. She says that she has never once in her life woke up in the morning and had the first thing she ever thought of be, “Do I love myself?” She says loving yourself doesn’t come from inside…it comes from what we project outside. It comes from everything flowing out of us. It comes from being more than the physical you. Loving yourself comes from what you give to others, what you are to others, the love you exude, the passion in your talents, the charity you willingly give. When you do all of those things without ever needing anything in return – loving and giving for the sake of loving and giving – then loving yourself happens automatically. IF you live miserably, close yourself off, take no risks, trust no one, eat unhealthily, give nothing, love no one, keep bitterness, feel resentment, put up walls, etc… do you feel about yourself? Pretty self-loathing I would say. I would know – I’ve been there.

For years I swore I’d never love anyone – not fully – because I’d only get hurt, they’d only leave…which translated into I wasn’t worth anyone loving me enough to stay. I didn’t give any of myself to anyone – out of fear. I never risked my heart. I never even fathomed giving or charity work. I worked to pay the bills – I had no passion for what I did. I resented and took personally nearly every comment directed at me. I lived in the dark. I chose that. I wanted that. I was comfortable there. And I hated the air that I breathed. I was the definition of the living dead. I. Hated. Me.

Now today? Sure, I have flaws but seriously part of me loves those flaws because they give me something to work on and strive for….and they remind me that my perfectionist quest is just silly. I might carry around an extra 10 lbs these days but honestly – throw Pamela Anderson in front of me – and I’d find her flaws too. And the big thing is – if you told me I could switch bodies with her – I’m not sure I would. Because she’s not me. She might have the perfect body – but that isn’t me. Does she love like I do? Does she give like I do? Does she care like I do? Nope – she does all that like Pamela does and she has her own crosses to bear. I’m kinda done wanting to be and look like someone else. It’s about time I realize this is me and that’s not about to change – unless I change it – if I damn well please.

So I guess I’m trying to say for a long time I was on a quest – to love me, to finally love the person I am. My God – I read every book known to man and did everything I could to attain the “I love me” status just so I could love others like they said I could “if only” I loved me. It was what all the therapists and book writers and talk show hosts and everyone said you had to do after all. And when I couldn’t look in the mirror without cringing and I couldn’t answer that I loved myself – I felt like such a failure. Who could possibly love me when I couldn’t love myself? But ask my family – and they did.

I’m so done with that because at the end of the day if I am true to me and let go of my ego and not react to things that don’t really matter and I love with all my heart and I give when I can and I live in the present moment – it happens on its own. I freaking love that person who does that…and that person is me. Will I ever wake up first thing in the morning and ask myself “do you love yourself?” Nope – never again. Who the hell has time for that? I’ve got better things to do – like love and give.

I live in reality (when I’m not in Care Bear Land) and on days when I’m true to me I would marry myself if I could. On days when I eat like crap or let negative self talk take over or I am selfish – I’m not really a fan of me. And that’s how it should be and neither day makes me love anyone else in my life any less.

A girl in the book writes about her thoughts in the morning and so I’m putting mine here. THIS is why I don’t have time to ask myself the question about loving me. It doesn’t enter my mind. These days I just know I do…if I’m really me.  I lived in a self-imposed prison for most of my life - because I couldn't love myself....and now I realize it's because the me I was back then wasn't the whole me I had the potential to be.

So morning montage when the alarm rings goes something like this:

JESUS – can’t I just get 10 more minutes?....NO….get up, lazy bones….you have things to do and you promised yourself you’d get up early today….OMG I love this bed…I want to marry it……why is it so dark and cold….isn’t this Spring?.....GAWD…..what am I going to wear?.....I do NOT feel like wearing heels today but my calves look hot in heels….I can’t wear my boots cuz my stupid hot calves are getting smaller…oh I love those boots…and they were so cheap at Walmart….oh I can’t forget to get Ragu at Walmart today for the raviolis I’m making….oh raviolis….Jenny made them for me last time we visited….I love Jenny….I miss Jenny….she’d tell me what to wear if she was here…..why does she live so far away and not in my bedroom…..oh fine….I’ll get up…who is this little girl in my bed and how did she get here? she mine?....she’s so cute…..cripes…..I gotta get the chicken out of the crockpot and make my lunch or I’ll be off plan today and I only have two days left before weigh in and all my bloggies will find out if I met my goal….oh blogging…what shall I blog about today….I love blogging…I love that I have found such amazing people there…..this shirt looks ridiculous…and it’s so small it only covers one boob…nice…hubby would love it if I wore that to work….I wonder how he’s feeling today….he’s been at work for hours already….where the hell is the hairspray…I swear if my little girl used it for her Barbies again I’ll cry….what did I do with my purse and keys?....why don’t you put them in the same spot every night you big dork?.....turn the light on…you’re going to trip…..what is that smell?.....kitty litter needs to be emptied tonight…..tonight – ha – I just need to get in the car first…I’m going to be late….oh look the sun is coming out….man I love this song… the hell can I have a wedgie already?.....I need new underwear….OMG is that an old M&M on the floorboard….no one will know if I dust it off and eat it…..

….and all before 7am.

So to quote the book…

“Do you love yourself?”


♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Monday, March 29, 2010

Reject....I mean EJECT....Monday....

Today I still live in Care Bear land but it’s mostly inhabited by Grumpy Care Bear. Or Smurfville with Grumpy Smurf or in Snow White’s cottage with Grumpy Dwarf. What is it with all the cartoons making someone grumpy? Aren’t all cartoons supposed to be fluffy and fun and full of rainbows?

Okay – anyway – in whatever world I live in today – I am pretending. It is how I choose to get through this Monday. I have a LOT on my mind – courtesy of finishing Dr. Laura S’s book on childhood and adult life. I also dealt with puke this weekend and if you all don’t remember – I am a non-puke-tolerator. I used to be all balls of steel mom in the puke department – um – not so much anymore. I think I sliced those balls off in the whootananny shaving incident. AND I dealt with a poop-wiping incident too. I’m surprised I’m alive. Up close and personal with poop and puke in one day – my house is next door to Hell I swear. The Devil stops over on a regular basis.

Alright – so back to pretending. I have at my desk one of those EASY Staples buttons. Oh how cute is that? A real life fake easy button to taunt me. Brilliant. If the Staples rep dares to walk in my office today he’s going to have an easy button where it doesn’t belong and two shoved in his eyes for good measure. But today – my easy button is my EJECT button. I swear to God I want to live in a cartoon. You know how every vehicle and every spaceship and every anything has an eject button in cartoons. I want my life to have one of them. It would go something like this.

Yes, Mr. Dickwad – I understand you wanted that paperwork yesterday. EJECT

Oh you want to drive 45 mph in a 65 mph zone when I’m already late. EJECT snotlicker.

Hmmm….you want to explode in the shared office toilet 6 times before noon. EJECT Explosive Butt Man. Wow.

You have a cold and you decided to come in my office and cough and sneeze for 5 minutes straight just to tell me about your boring weekend. Thank you. EJECT

You want to add 5 more deadlines on top of the 5 I already have just because you know damn well I’ll do it all in record time. EJECT jerk.

You decide you’re going to detox your system and only drink liquids all day and have one supper at night and you think this is smart? EJECT. Yes – I’m ejecting myself. It’s my world – I can do what I want.

Hey Martha Stewart – ever heard of taking baths in Skittles instead of bathing in rank perfume? I can smell you from my house. EJECT

You think it’s necessary to order out EVERY day and walk by my office with your treat. EJECT

Oh yah it’s completely normal that you want to screw around on your husband while he sits around and waits for you to be done. EJECT slutball.

Yes I think it’s completely necessary that every woman buys a $600 purse once every 30 days. EJECT spoiled witch.

Wow – my day wasn’t complete until I took your 10th sales call asking me to buy 99 reams of paper so you’d give me 3 free jelly beans. EJECT


You betcha – one little touch of my manicured finger and they’d all be ejected. Gone just like that. Just typing it and picturing their little arms and legs flailing as I eject them makes it all a little better. I never ever once said I was kind….I did say that sometimes I fart gumdrops but let’s be clear….that doesn’t happen on EJECT Monday. Now Tuesday? Maybe. I might be able to whip up a rainbow or two or even a fairy. And hell I’ll shoot hearts out of my Care Bear tummy until the world is one big peace ball. But not today. I only have enough energy to hit the EJECT button. It’s so hard being me…it requires a lot of energy to be this pissy.

Any of you lovies wanna come push the EJECT button for me? It’s hindering my ability to shove 26 M&Ms in my mouth at one time. *sigh*

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Easter is an effing conspiracy....

I think Easter is in competition with Halloween....let's see how much candy we can shove down America's throat in the name of a holiday!  OMG - I think Easter is worse.  Somehow because it's Easter there's an incessant need to make every kind of chocolate imaginable into a bunny shape or an egg shape or a lily shape or rabbit poop shape.  It's ridiculous. 

And it works on me. Did you know that Reeses seriously taste like a whole new world if they're in the shape of a freaking egg?

Did you know Milky Ways are nearly orgasmic if they're shaped like a bunny?

Whoppers - aka bunny turds - maybe not on purpose but I think it's part of the conspiracy - taste like a whole new candy if they come in a pastel colored box?

And marshmallow eggs?  Brilliant.  Simply brilliant.  A person can eat 16 of them and feel like they only ate air - all to the tune of 3 billion or so calories.  Not bad for 16 eggs.

I am addicted to pastel colors and bunnies and Skittles just because they come in a bright yellow egg instead of a red package.  They draw me in.  They talk to me. 

Curse you Easter Bunny and the whole lot of you and your damn solid chocolate replicas with bright pink candy eyes.  Why do you stare at me from your pretty pastel packaging?

You can all suck my cellulite laden fat baby's ass.  Twice for that matter.

How do you guys stay away from all this candy crack?  I mean who in their right mind can resist pastel M&Ms?  Is it possible?  Is it?

I think not.

I must go.  A chocolate bunny just yelled for me...he's running me a bath filled with pastel M&Ms and we're going to play who can find the most purple ones.  Whaddya wanna bet I win?

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Supportive Commenter Award.....

This is seriously one of the cutest awards ever.  Thank you to Julie at The Accidental Fat Chick for giving it to me!  This award totally matches her cute chick layout and I'm so appreciative for all her support.

I am literally going to list anyone who commented on my last 2 blogs regarding my tummy tuck.  Check out their comments on those last two blogs to find their blogs.  And thank you all for the questions and comments - they make my every day that much more special. Those last two blogs were hard to write and your comments made me realize it was worth it.

Cheeseburger Girl
Girl Bandit
Beautiful inside and out
Weighting Around
Genie at diet of 51
Amy W
The Dash!
Southern Belle
Ms Chunky Chick

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Stiletto Award.....

Julie the Miss Accidental Fat Chick (cutest blog layout ever and she's a sweetie too) nominated me for the Stiletto award.  I am proudly paying it forward......  Click on the link below to see what this award is about - it's wayyyy cool.

The "Rules"

1. Display the Stiletto badge of honor.

2. Brag about it - post a link to the page to highlight what the award is about. Find that here.

3. Say thanks! Include a link to the friend who nominated you.

4. Share the love-nominate 5-10 more blogs. Leave links to their blogs and leave them a comment so they know they won!

5. Do what you do! Keep at it and keep inspiring others.

My nominees are:

Jenny - my BFF - at Jen's Lap Band Journey - just cuz I love her more than I love baths in rainbow Skittles
Amy W - at Once Upon a Time in the Land of Cheese and Sunkist - cuz she's my pookie wookie
Vanessa - at Dinnerland - cuz she's a little Pocahantas and her tales using spy words intrigue me
Jenn - at A Southern Girl's Journey - cuz she's so cute you just can't help but love her
Carmen - at I'm with the Band - cuz she's one of my best ho bags
Ms Chunky Chick at This Chunky Chick - cuz she's such a cutie patootie
Mary (aka Mimi) at Big Girls Don't Cry - cuz her picture and blog make me smile
DawnB at What I Weighed in High School cuz her and her hubby are losing it together
LauraLynne at Taking the Scale by Storm cuz she's doing extensive work through OA and I learn from it too.
Kim at Goodbye Fatty McButterpants cuz her blog name rocks and she's super sweet
Kristin at Catchy Title Here - cuz she's one of my first followers and I love her to death
BG at The Sweet Spot - cuz she's also one of my first followers and I'm ever grateful for her support

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Follow up to the tummy tuck post...

You guys asked some really good questions and had great comments so I wanted to address them in a blog for all to see - plus I remembered something else.

Dinnerland - I'm only about 5ft 3in tall....pretty short actually.  I'm guessing that's why the charts say I should weigh in the 130s.  By their accounts I'm still 30 lbs overweight.  I have always carried a lot of muscle (big arms and legs) but right now I fit in size 7s...the goal is 5s.  Why did your sister have a tuck?  Did she lose a lot of weight?  I've heard skin elasticity and stretch marks are hereditary but I don't know if there's any proof to that.  I think everyone is different.

Band Babe (asked why you should get muscle repair) - In my experience nearly EVERY woman with hanging skin also has separated muscles (from pregnancy or stretching due to weight gain).  I did not think I needed muscle repair.  In fact, I assumed I wasn't getting it.  Remember my surgeon saying my muscle tone was tight and unbelievable?  My abs were hard as a rock under my hanging skin and in my upper abs.  I figured - cut my skin off - easy peasy - done.  She said, "No way - I'm in there, it's in the price, why would you not want your muscles as tight as they were before you had kids and gained weight?  People work years doing exercises for tight muscles and I can do it with stitches."  You are right though - I imagine the pain would be less but I will tell you I'm glad I did it.  Still - two years out - when I so much as sneeze I can feel how tight my abs are - which is pretty fun.  It's that whole "suck your gut in" thing that we all do.  After a tummy tuck - you shouldn't have to really.  And I don't.  I used to walk around sucking my gut in constantly.  Not now.  In fact, when I engage my muscles there's not that big of a difference - because they are already sucked in.  Does that make sense? If I walk around in a bikini I suck them in cuz I'm a woman (ha!) but every day - no more.  I'm flat without doing muscle control is greater there.  But yes - stitches can create more chance for a problem.  In the early days if you fall or something the stitches can come out and there can be a problem....which is why you aren't allowed to lift and such.  My daughter was 2 when I did this and I didn't pick her up for weeks out of fear of busting the internal stitches and it was doctor's orders.

The thing I forgot to mention is the part about walking bent over like a little old lady.  I didn't do this much because of me only having a mini.  BUT many women walk hunched over for weeks - literally.  And if you've had a c-sec you know how much even laughing hurts.  Take that x20 for much longer - laughing, sneezing, coughing, moving, anything can bring you to tears after a tummy tuck.  You use your abs for EVERYTHING.  Be prepared for that.  This is why even weeks out some people still are using Tylenol or prescription pain meds.

Oh and sex - in case any of you were wondering.  This is different for everyone really.  I cannot remember how long I waited but I know I was still in my garment.  Some women can do it in a few days - carefully - others I've seen wait 6 to 8 weeks.  Some surgeons give them a time limit (mine did not).  I will say this - it can be a new and scary sensation.  Think about it - all your muscles have been tightened so when you orgasm the sensation is definitely heightened.  You feel your ab muscles contracting when you may not have before.  It takes some getting used to but everyone figures it out.

Also - my surgeon was great but she wasn't great in the info department.  I think it's not because she wasn't a good surgeon but because she did so many tummy tucks that she just forgot it's all new to the patient.  I would not have known a single thing about seromas or swelling if not for the message board I belonged to.  And the friend of mine who had hers one month later by my surgeon - I kid you not - called me almost daily because she was freaked out by swelling or pain or something - because she did no research.  She regretted her surgery very quickly afterwards.

I highly recommend even if you're thinking of a tummy tuck - to join a message board - just as a reader and READ.  If nothing else there is great info on how much people in your area paid and how they financed it if needed and such.  I was a part of the board specifically for tummy tucks/abdominoplasty on the Make Me Heal website.  Every woman on there had a tummy tuck of some kind and they all usually posted pictures.  You'll see that 99% go through a regret period and even post partum depression at about 2 weeks out is very common.  You'll see pictures of necrosis - which is when the skin literally dies and turns black and you have holes in your stomach - very very bad complication but happens more than you think (smoking is a trigger).  You'll see some of the flattest stomachs ever and then you'll see more bumpy ones like me.  You'll see woman of plus sizes in the 250 pound plus range that get a tummy tuck before they hit their goal weight and the results are amazing.  It's a personal choice about when and many know they'll get another one later.  You'll see many women going back in for their post op care getting lipo and the experiences of that.   A few plastic surgeons even regularly comment on these boards and you can ask them questions directly.  It's all VERY eye-opening and I think necessary.  When I had a seroma I didn't have to call the doc or freak out - I knew what it was.  My friend - she was freaking out....she did no research.  Research kept me sane.  Many of you lap banders already know this if you researched your lap bands. 

Again, this is MAJOR surgery and a tough one.  Literally - I'm nearly two years out and I can still swell and I can still hurt if I overdo my abs.  It is no walk in the park.  Your lymphatic system is thrown way out of whack and my metabolism was too.  There were many more months I regretted this than I was happy with it.  And it's always made worse mentally knowing you paid so much out of pocket for it.  Today I am happy - I may never be flat as some but my hanging skin is gone.  That was what I wanted and that's what she did.  If you told me today I'd need another tummy tuck - I'm sorry but no - I wouldn't go through it again.  I'd love lipo on my muffin tops but I'm not even sure that's worth it because lipo makes you swell really bad for a while.  I'm not a big fan of patience so for me this was hard.  I have a HIGH pain tolerance and this was harder than I ever imagined.

Now that I've scared you all to death - there you go.  I just love you all and I'm trying to tell you all the things I'd have wanted someone to tell me before I went in.  Have a good day lovies!

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Friday, March 26, 2010

Tummy Tuck Talk....and pictures to tell the story.

I guess it’s time….I did promise after all…

I’m about to discuss the tummy tuck. I think I’ve been procrastinating. Nearly two years later and few people who know me even know about it – what I’m ashamed of I have no idea but part of me still is…Drazil holds the key to that info…and that’s another blog.

Real quick before I start - *sorry – just had a mini-aha-moment right then* - do any of you remember that I had to stop doing P90X after the first night of trying it because my abs are so tight from the tummy tuck that it hurts to pull/work them? I was telling my mom that. She actually said in a concerned, something is wrong, what have you done to yourself tone, “Will you ever heal, will you ever be able to do ab exercises?” WHY THE FARK DO I CARE? If I never have to do another ab exercise in my life – isn’t that like a little piece of heaven? Some plastic surgeons even brag that after they do your tummy tuck – you should never have to do a situp ever again. What ab exercises do – tighten ab muscles – is done through medical stitching. Why is it a bad thing that two years later my stomach is so tight I can’t do a situp? God help me – why can she think that means I’m not healed? Ugh.

Okay – first off – to the beginning. In October 2005, I had my last child. I knew I was done. I had gestational diabetes and let’s face it – I ate like I was carrying and feeding triplets and a monkey on my back. I told myself the whole time that the moment she was out – it was over – I was getting healthy. And I meant it. She came out – and I was on a diet starting that day. I topped the scales at 226. Pregnancy weight or not – it was fat and it was mine and it was unnecessary. I had high BP to boot….even after she was out and I was only 30. That was enough of that.

Fast forward to June 2008, about 2.5 years later and I weighed 153. Down 73 lbs. I had been in size 16s and now I was in size 5s. I felt great. I was running 5 miles a day – 6 days a week. I was at the top of my game. I was literally for the first time happy with my body – except for one thing. I had hanging skin. I was in denial for a while. For about 6 months I would stand in front of the mirror or sit in the tub and just grab handfuls of skin and try to see if that skin had lessened. And I’d work harder. I’d grab again – still there. Work harder, eat less. More pounds came off. At 153, I was small enough that there was no need to lose more and the skin remained. How could this be happening? Sweat and sacrifice and THIS is the payoff? I still can’t tuck in jeans or wear tight things around my waist? How is that fair? It’s such a cruel twist of fate – such a slap in the face and hard to wrap your head around it....but it remains.

I used to work with a man who had gastric bypass – he was over 500 lbs. He’s lost over 250 pounds and needs skin taken off his knees, thighs, stomach, arms, elbows, breasts, and back – nearly everywhere…and they told him it weighed 70 pounds. I never once thought I’d need the same thing. It never crossed my mind – I thought I wasn’t working hard enough. And then one day I heard a commercial for a plastic surgeon in my area. I went to her website and I saw pictures – and they could have been me. I had to see her.

I scheduled an appt and told a few people at work. They looked at me like I had two heads. I hid my piece of skin well – and so to most people who obviously didn’t see me naked – they thought I was crazy or overly vain. No matter – I went. I even knew from research I’d only need a mini-tuck instead of a full one. I told myself I wanted to go see her just so a professional would tell me I could never lose it on my own – that it was truly skin and not fat. I needed to hear that….though I suspected it. I told myself I’d never get a tummy tuck. I couldn’t afford it. Ever.

That surgeon took one look at me and said, “Wow – there’s no fat on you anywhere….and this piece of skin has to go.” She said my muscle tone was unbelievable and that I only needed a mini tuck. She said it was $5000.00. I left. For about 5 minutes I felt defeated. And then….

With every bone in my body I knew I’d be back. It was the end of the journey and I would never, never be happy without it gone. Ever. That skin was something I couldn’t live with – some might be able to – I could not. Years of sweat and leaving my family to work out and saying no and breaking down mental barriers and ugly duckling feelings and morphing into a new me – could not end with hanging skin. Not for me. Had I ever in my life done something just for me – for $5000 – for my mental health? Nope – but dammit it was time.

I found the money. I remember being desperate enough to ask my mom for it – something I’d never done in my life. Of course that was a no. Didn’t matter – I found the money. I scheduled a pre-op and I was on my way. I dealt with the “you’re so lame” looks from my co-workers and knew they’d never understand. I told everyone I work with – and told no one in my life at home other than my siblings and parents. No one in my husband’s family knows to this day except his mother.

I had my mini-tummy tuck in June of 2008. Surgery was less than 3 hours. My surgeon had her own surgical suite so I stayed in her office and was sent home that same day. EVERY surgeon is different. A huge piece of advice is never go to a surgeon with their own suite who also doesn’t have rights at the nearest hospital. Check the credentials. Ask for patient’s names who’ve had what you are about to have. My surgeon had rights at the hospital connected to her building and was accredited. Some surgeons have you stay overnight – some do not. Just like with lap bands every surgeon has their own rules. Follow them. Period.

After a tummy tuck – 90% of surgeons have you wear a garment for sometimes weeks. This thing is Spanx on sterroids. It is a full body suit down to your knees and over your bra. You lose nearly two sizes when you put this thing on. Mine zipped and buttoned on the sides and was crotchless. You only take it off to shower. You pee and poo with it ON.  It becomes your life….and when you take it off you feel naked and like you’re missing something. It helps stop swelling and keeps things tight and helps the skin reattach to the muscle.

Pain meds are pretty heavy the first few days and even after a week you’re still on them. I’m highly tolerant of pain but this was tough for me. It was much much worse than a c-section because of what they do when they are in there….they’re not just making a hole to cut a baby out. It might be outpatient surgery but it’s nothing to laugh at.

90% of surgeons also use drains (a tube with a small bag at the end). I had one (some have two) – inserted right above my lady part and yes I still have a small scar from it. My husband had to empty it and keep track of how much was in it each time. I had my drain for a week – some have them even longer…depending on how much is filling up in them. The thing with drains is this – if you don’t have them – that liquid and blood gather between your skin and muscle in your stomach and you get a seroma – which is literally a waterbed under your skin. You push on your stomach and it moves like when you put your finger into a waterbed. Creepy to say the least and harmless….but still good to avoid if you can.  *Note - getting the drain out is WAY painful.  That tube is in there a long way and she literally just grabs it and pulls it out!  OUCH!

A tummy tuck is very invasive surgery. I have heard you can watch one being done on youtube but I never did that – too many people said it was very scary. I am an information whore but I drew the line there. I do know the surgeon lifts your skin from your muscle and pulls it back and then ties your muscles back together. Nearly all women’s muscles are separated and stretched out if they’ve had children or were obese. This part of the procedure is called muscle repair and should be included in every tummy tuck procedure. If it’s not – run! It’s not just about cutting off skin – it’s about repairing the loosened muscles under the skin. Most surgeons also do a little lipo to contour your shape while they are in there too…..this was included in my price. For some it’s extra.  Because of the lipo and surgery itself you will be literally black and blue in spots when you come out.

It can take a long time for your stomach skin to reattach to your stomach muscles and if it’s not – fluids build up in between (the seroma). This happened to me numerous times – because right after surgery I could not rest as I should have due to a family natural disaster. If you lay flat it helps – but I couldn’t lay down at all. It’s nothing serious. I’d go in – she’d cut me open with a scalpel and push the fluid out onto a towel. No stitches or pain or anything but there was always enough liquid to soak up two towels. Had I still had drains it would have gone into them but drains aren’t real convenient to go back to work with.

Swelling is also a huge issue. My surgeon never told me about swelling but I knew about it from the message boards I followed. 99% of tummy tuckers experience it and the swelling can make you bigger than before you went in. Many many women cannot fit into pre-op clothes for a long time after surgery which as you can imagine can really screw with your head after you pay $5000. You go through a big period of regret and you wonder what you’ve done. I’m not going to sugarcoat this – the swelling is bad and can last for months. If I work my abs hard enough even now I can swell. Food and sodium affect it greatly and so does activity and everyone is different. For most recovery is long and hard. And I was in excellent shape and only had a mini.

A mini tuck means my belly button was not moved at all – all my work was below my belly button – I only had hanging skin under my belly button. Most people get a full tuck – and your belly button is totally taken out and the surgeon makes a new one. More healing time, more swelling and more chance for infection – especially if you smoke.

I saw my surgeon every 3 to 4 weeks for a complete year. I was happy to do that because it’s a pretty emotional roller coaster and she was very reassuring. The first few times I had fluid taken out. Another time I had lipo done on a spot that she didn’t think was flat enough. Lipo is crazy weird – a wand is under your skin and it just feels bizarre….so bizarre I almost passed out. Not painful but odd. Most of the time pain meds aren’t needed for any of this stuff after because your entire stomach is numb. Even 2 years out most of my stomach below my belly button is still numb. (good for getting my belly button pierced but feels odd otherwise) The feeling may or may not come back – it doesn’t bother me. Some people hate it.

I was cut along the same line as my c-sec scar – very low so that a bikini covers the scar. The incision is bigger – almost hip to hip. If you get a full tuck – the incision is the same horizontally BUT you also have a scar up from your belly button usually. My scar is barely visible but I scar well….many women aren’t fans of the scars when they are done.

There are tons of different types of tummy tucks – full is the one most get done….but the type of cut and such and what’s included are always different so be sure to ask. At 4 and 6 months and even a year out – what you see is NOT your final results. Patience is hugely important if you get this surgery. So many do no research and think in one month they’ll be flat as a pancake with six pack abs. A friend of mine had it done one month after me (she did NO research) and thought she’d come out with no more stretch marks and so today is very dissatisfied with her surgery. Are her abs tight and is her loose skin gone? Yes. Does she still have stretch marks? Yes. So she’s not happy because she had unrealistic expectations. You don’t get new skin. I still have stretch marks – less yes, but I have them. You have to have realistic expectations and patience.

Finally almost two years out I know what I see now is my result. I have fattier sides than I used to but that’s because once you have lipo fat normally won’t redeposit there – it goes to other new places and for me that’s my sides. I could lipo it out of there but the surgeon says it’s just not enough to go under for (though I disagree). I sometimes think my ubber abs stick out now but it could be that they always did but I was so focused on my hanging skin I never noticed. Again, I could lipo it but I’d have to be put under and it’s not worth it to me. You have to be careful about that. Right now if you have hanging stomach skin it may be the only thing you see and focus on. When that skin is gone if you choose to have a tuck – you may notice you now hate your arms or thighs or whatever. Most of the people I see do end up going back for thigh lift, butt lift, lipo everywhere, etc. That’s totally fine but that’s not for me. My hanging skin wasn’t my fault and was not a “normal” imperfection like my big muscular arms I got from my Dad you know?

Many women think they get a Ken doll area that is huge and have that lipo’d. My theory on that is that skin hung over it before – and now that it’s gone you see the area and you never did before so it seems bigger. I think mine is but I’m not about to lipo that.

I’m no expert. What I wrote here is my own experience and my own research from being heavily involved on a tummy tuck message board. Take it with a grain of salt. Again, I’m not going to say it’s easy like the breast reduction was – it’s a far cry from that. BUT my recovery was not what it should have been. My parents suffered a flood 8 days after my surgery and began living with me. I was up for 20 hour days in mud and stress and chaos and my surgeon wasn’t happy. Had I been able to lay down and rest – I wouldn’t have had seromas or maybe even needed lipo. I think I took 8 work days off. I know some women who take 2 months off. Again, I have a high pain tolerance and a desk job. You cannot lift over 15 lbs for quite a while so if you have young children you will probably need someone to help you. And of course – it’s surgery – there are complications and I have seen them and they aren’t pretty. Again, do your research.

This isn’t just a physical surgery – it’s mental too – just like the weight loss journey. You have to know you’re worthy of it and never look back…..because you are.

I hope that helped someone. Let me know if I forgot anything or if you have more questions.

P.S. I hate these pictures but they help tell the story. Some are graphic....beware.


4 days out.  The lines in my skin are from the garment.  The cord is the drain I spoke of.

Better drain pic...very inconvenient.

This is my scar - about a week after - hip to hip.

Bruises from lipo and look at the size of my stomach.  Probably 3 or 4x the size of when I went in.  MAJOR swelling.

Pic of 1/2 the garment.  Straps are over my shoulders and it goes down to my knees.

Approx 1 yr. out - still swelling - bumpy...

 Little over 1.5 yrs out - still bumpy.

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Because the now famous BG (The Sweet Spot) did this for me...

....and I was so I'm doing it too.

I'm a follower whore but I'm also a blog-following whore.  I follow so many on so many different subjects (mostly lap banders and weight loss w/o a lap band) it's really not realistic.  How I find the time to read them all is beyond me but I do it cuz I love them all.  When I first started out I had no followers (um, yah, we all start that way) and one day BG put a blog out there naming the blogs she was following that had less than 25 followers - and I was one of them.  She said, "Come on bloggies - less than 25 followers is not support - and these girls need our support."  And viola!  One day and I had over 25 followers and I felt like someone really special.

Now yes, I was someone before that but now I was really really someone in the blog world - which is totally different you know.  Anywho - I've wanted to do this for a while......these are the blogs I follow that have less than 25 followers (some close to 25, some less than 5) and I know, like all of us, they'd LOVE to have more.  Please please just pick a few of these and if you like what you see - follow them - I know they'll love your support just like I cherish it too. 

I'm paying it forward because a long time ago BG did it for me and I loved her for it and never told her how much it meant to me. 

If you end up following them, tell them Drazil sent you so that some day they'll pay it forward too.  What this blogging community means to me is something I can't put in words and I want everyone to experience it. 

Thanks lovies!

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

It's BYOC Friday....Edition 2...

Yes, you read it right - it's not BYOB (Bring Your Own Beverage) - though you definitely's BYOC...BRING YOUR OWN CRAZINESS Friday!

It's the second edition of answering crazy and some serious questions because your Mama Pimp requires it.  Oh and don't forget to grab your ho-bag award if you answer or if you forward these to anyone remind them there's an award for it and direct them here for more Friday editions if they're interested in answering more.

1.  If you could change your first name - what would it be?
Okay, this one is kinda fun because I have a follower with this name.  It's Joey.  I love the whole could be a girl name could be a boy name thing.  AND remember the Facts of Life the tv show?  My favorite cast member was Jo - she was so pretty.  A part of me will always be a tom boy out in the garage under the hood of a car with my Dad but at the same time the name has such feminine cuteness too it.  It's the same reason I like the name Sam for a girl.

2.  Why are man hole covers round? (this one came from a follower - thanks!)
Um...I think they'd look really stupid square right?

3.  What's one of your biggest pet peeves?
People who take baths in perfume and come in my office.  I'm highly sensitive to smell and perfumes can give me migraines instantly.  I hate that others don't realize this.  People who explode in toilets come to mind too.

4.  If you could be a car - what would it be?  Post a pic if you can.
I think I'd be a Dodge Viper - they are hot hot cars.....and the color would be white.

5.  What's the biggest thing you learned from a blog this week or which blog spoke to you the most this week off the top of your head? (try to link them so others can check them out)
Hmmm...for me it's LauraLynne or Chunky Chick.  LauraLynne is attending OA meetings and doing some major soul searching and some of it applies to me and I found myself re-thinking about her/it all week.  Chunky Chick had a run-in with the ex and it left her on the floor amidst cookies and tears....and my heart broke for her BUT I think in that moment she realized he only has power over her if she gives it to him.  I thought that was pretty cool.

Okay lovely doves (aka ho-bags).....answer is time to wrack your brain.  Just 5 little questions and you get to be in my good graces all weekend.  Maybe if you answer you could title it BYOC answers so we all know that the blog will be about answers to the questions.  Holy shit - am I a control freak or what?  Just call me Mrs. Bossy Pants. 

I love you all shamelessly!  Can't wait to hear your answers!

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Thursday, March 25, 2010

THIS IS KARMA....the diet Gods have spoken.

Alrida Ida. I just have to say this.

This is KARMA.

I decide I want chocolate. Nope – let’scratch that. The correct thing to say would be I “need” chocolate. So I’m going to eat some because us women here at work keep three entire drawerfuls at the ready. Nope – no need for money – the freaking company buys it. Um, can you say “enabler”?

And yes you heard me right - I said three drawers. In case you want to know my selection – here it is:

Drawer 1 – Heath, Reeses Peanut Butter Cups and Peppermint Patties
Drawer 2 – Nestle Crunch, Baby Ruth, Three Musketeers
Drawer 3 – Milky Way, Butterfinger

Now if you can’t find something you like in there well then suffice it to say I think you’re a man and you don’t have a fah-gina. These three drawers are every woman’s dream and did I mention it’s free? Ah heaven at my fingertips. Do you people understand why Sheniqua sits her fat ass on my hips still to this day? THIS is my hell on Earth every day.

Mmmmmkkkaaayyy – well AF is gone but the hormones are here to stay and by God if I don’t get some ever-loving chocolate in these veins in the next five minutes I’ll poke my own eyes out.

So I sashay my little booty to the drawers. I act all subtle and grab something from each drawer. I fill my pockets. (I’m kidding – sort of). Oh shut up – who among us can just grab one? I go back to my office. I’m opening the packages like a rabid dog. I take a bite and THERE IT IS. I will never be the same.

EXPLOSIVE MAN STRIKES AGAIN. You guys – I think he blew himself up. A human body can’t make that kind of noise – without losing at least 3 limbs and an eye….and an ear. If he doesn’t come out deaf and blind I’m gonna shart my own self. What the hell makes a man sound like that? My GOD – don’t do it in the toilet – does he not understand the meaning of E.C.H.O?

The noise startled me so much that the freaking candy bite went down my shirt into my voluptuous pillows of love….and nearly melted as I tried to dig it out. Great – how am I supposed to hide the chocolate like an addict hides meth when it’s smeared all over my titties? And I can’t even go in the bathroom to get it off cuz IT’S OCCUPIED!! (and I’m not brave enough to go in there after what happened in there anyway)

I’m so discombobulated from that noise that the chocolate now seems tainted, wrong somehow. Coincidence? I think not. The diet Gods have spoken. Eat candy and we’ll send in explosive man to rock your world…and not in a good way.

So now I hate him for exploding AND for taking away my 30 seconds of paradise. I’ll never look at a Butterfinger without hearing the sound. I have been violated. I’ll have post traumatic stress and night terrors for sure. Probably even qualify for workers comp don’t you think?

Ah well – at least I still have a Milky Way…..

….and a Nestle Crunch….and a Reeses….

….and a Heath…

…..and a……

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Keep making Sheniqua’s funeral plans….but cancel mine.

Depending on how you feel about me and my multiple personalities – you’ll be happy (or unhappy) to know I survived yesterday. My legs didn’t fall off. I didn’t hemorrhage to death and most of the card carrying members of the Penises R Us group are still alive. True – some have welts on their asses from my butt darts but still – they’re alive. I never guaranteed anything more than that.

Life is good again. I have successfully walked past about 3 people already today without purposely tripping them. It’s gonna be a good day.

I ended the day under calories (which can I just say deserves a freaking cupcake in itself since it was AF day) and I even walked 4 miles with the hubby though Drazil was screaming at me to stay home and crawl under a blanket and pretend I was dead. Drazil hates walking – his little legs tire after a few steps…which is why he sits on my shoulder….duh.

Someone told me yesterday I’m looking thinner – which I find intensely funny because the person who told me this weighs exactly the same as me. I am constantly fascinated by how every single person carries weight so differently. It seriously boggles my mind. I am not thin – especially for my height. By those freaking charts that are freakishly wrong (I have no idea why I even look at them) I should be 130 lbs or less. Um yah. My left leg weighs 120 lbs on it’s own….which leaves 10 lbs for the rest of me and my ego alone weighs that. It ain’t gonna happen. Evah! I’d look like a 10 year old with a helluva rack and a c-sec scar. People would be confused. But I remember another girl once finding out I weighed 160 some pounds and so did she and she was all “why do you look like that and I look like this?” Well dear – because I took classes on how to successfully hide Sheniqua and her friends and I own stock in Spanx. Wake up and smell reality. I have rolls too – I’m just wearing them without butter today.

Anywhoozle (stolen from Amy W) – yesterday I was one big fine ball of whining and crying and today – um – not so much. Today I’m walking on water. I’m taking what my Eckhart book says to heart and literally living in the moment. I’m at work – and for once – not thinking about “when will it be 4pm?” Because now is now and now is great and if I think about 4pm – I lose right now. And now is good. I have a great stable job and so does my hubby. I’ve been on plan (diet and exercise) for days now. I’ve been whipping out training on my 3rd job like nobody’s business. I’m smiling more and loving more and giving of me more. When there’s less physical Sheniqua of me – I give more mental parts of me to others. Funny how that works. I have a financial plan that’s working and binders and lists amuck - which all make me feel better than a teenager who just had sex for the 12th time in a day. Life is good. All around. (Not as good as that teenager’s life but still – pretty good.)

And yes – for my perverted naughty followers who need your daily fix – I was talking about me. Oh to be young again.

And double yes – my followers – I am completely aware that now that I have made you all roll your eyes with the whole “I’m so happy I’m back to farting rainbows and gumdrops” thing that it is Murphy’s Law that one of the cars will die, a meteor will hit my house and I will be stricken with boils that cover my entire body and I will instantly gain 10 lbs. Yah I get that. Bring it on. Um hellooooooo? Mama Pimps aren’t afraid of anything.

Well except putting crème on whootanannys. But who isn’t right?

Oh p.s. – tonight we try the bald head crème on the hubby. Won’t that be fun? Don’t you all want to be me? Too bad – not everyone can be the Pimp – somebody has to be the ho you know? This operation has got to make money somehow. I have a Twinkie addiction I have to feed. Now get back on the streets……….and have a Martha Stewart kind of day lovies!

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Dear blogger friends. This is my last post.

Because I’m going to freaking hemorrhage to death.

I want to find Eve (you know Adam and Eve) and wring her naked little neck. Isn’t it her fault – this whole pain during menstruating thing?

Or if you don’t believe in Adam and Even then fine – get me the nearest man and I’ll make do with strangling him.





I want to lay down and suffer in a field of daisies and cut my torso completely off.

Hairless, pink-hearted, smooth, troll-like, turkey-headed…..doesn’t matter…today I hate my whootananny.

So since I can’t stand up for fear I may pass out from blood loss I’m spicing up my day with thumb tacks. Thumb tacks you ask? Why yes – I’ve made an old fashioned sling shot and in between that and the straw I stole from the kitchen – any time a man walks by my office – I’m shooting them with a tack. It’s a riot.

They feign shock. They fall on the floor and even fake convulsions (some even screamed). They think they’ve been shot with some poisonous butt dart. (I wish) Then when not one of us women even gets up to check on them they get up and move on….right before I yell….

“Keep moving peckerhead….I’ve got more where that came from and my next target is your crotch – I was just practicing my aim on your butt. Walk by again if you dare. I’m here all day. Try the veal.”

After that wasn’t fun anymore every time they ask who shot them I’ve directed them to Martha Stewart’s office.

The only thing that will get me through today is knowing tomorrow everything will be okay again. The stars will align and men will be safe to pass by my door. Ladies – today you should thank God you don’t work here and you don’t have a penis. It’s not safe. Men are dropping like flies. Martha Stewart is an angry little witch huh? There’s just no telling what she’ll do next.

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Well I guess it beats being all about poop right?

I used to be all about poop for a while, then bodily functions in general, then hairless whootanannys and now I’m obsessed with numbers. Anyone starting to realize I find a topic – and I’m OCD all over its ass until I tire of it and move on. Fark. <-- See – obsessed – that’s my new word of the week remember?

Before any of you ho-bags start hyperventilating and start shoving Twinkies in your mouths with the wrappers on (like I would) – calm down. Lesson 102 on the whootananny is coming I promise. These things take time. And truth be known I can’t decide if I should use the beard tube or the head tube of cream. And I kinda gotta wait until I have a “patch” to experiment on you know? I will say the other day I was in the bath and you’d have thought I was doing a science experiment examining myself down there – you know preparing for the day when me and the cream meet in real life. I’m picking up folds and finding crevices and I’m thinking, “How in the hell can cream stay THERE?” In my Satan head I thought – no one else must look like this down there. I’m one of a kind….and not in a good way. And Amy W is right – the butt part seems impossible. I mean do you do it in shifts or all at once? Before I get out of the bath I’m nearly ready to go buy some porn just to study what other women’s ho-has look like so I can prove mine is a one of a kind. God – and my baths used to only be about Calgon. You’ve all warped me forever with this cootie business. So there – number #1 that is taking over my life – is Lesson 102.

Number #2 is a goal check. I’m getting a little nervous. Goal for March was 60 miles – I’m at 43.2. Calorie goal burn was 8000 – I’m at 5263. Time workout goal was 20 hours – I’m at 11.5 hours. The mathmetician in me has divided the numbers by the number of days left in March and I can meet these goals….but how bad do I want to is a whole other blog.

The third number ruling my life – or actually not ruling my life – is 9 more days until I can weigh in. If you all remember I made a promise 9 days ago I wouldn’t weigh in until April 1st to try to break my scale addiction. Now – on one hand I’m itching to get on that scale cuz ever since then I’ve had some darn good days BUT I also entered a weight loss competition at work that begins April 1st so on that same day I can weigh again – I have to do it in front of a co-worker and while I have balls of steel – that thought almost makes me pee my pants a little and hop on one leg for a second – cuz it’s such an insane thought. (Holy run-on sentence Batman!)

Which bring me to the fourth number haunting me – the weight loss competition is all about losing 5% of your weight. If I hit my goal on April 1st of 161.5 – I have to lose a little over 8 lbs by June 30th. 8 pounds in 3 months – not bad – but this close to goal I’m just not sure. I’m frightened….where the hell is my Auntie Em when I need her? She always saved Dorothy’s ass.

And okay – the last final number – that honestly doesn’t mean crap to me – that would have before…… proof I am growing as a person. Okay….touchy subject but I’m throwing it out there. I think I lost two followers. Well I know cuz as I mentioned I’m anal, OCD and obsessed with my followers and two are gone. NOW – the trick here is that normally I’m not kidding – I probably would have contacted them and asked what did I do wrong, why don’t you like me and what can I do to make you love me forever? Never mind they are virtual strangers I will never meet – my inquiring mind would want to know so I could fix what they thought was wrong - you know – like it mattered.

Today – I don’t give a rat’s azz. For freaking real – this is monumental. Someone doesn’t like me (*gasp *shock I know) and I don’t care. I mean I actually don’t blame them. (I am surprised they resisted my brainwashing) I of course wonder what turned them off – was it the constant fah-gina references, Frank the booger, me constantly throwing things at my husband, my fat baby’s azz, my headless body pictures, my incessant need to say the word whore, plethora, fark, etc.? Is it that if you find my blog you instantly think I’m mental because I am me, Drazil and Sheniqua? Not sure.

Some of you may be thinking this is such a non-thing in my thing-based world but there’s symbolism behind it for me. I’m all about finding meanings in EVERYTHING these days. I’ve always been all about being a doormat – just so there wasn’t conflict or just so someone would like me…I’m all over taking things personally you know? But man – there’s so much hurt and internal drama involved in feeling that way and doing that. It’s just not so worth it anymore. I am a MAMA PIMP now – hear me roar or hit you with my stick or whatever it is Mama Pimps do besides give out frilly ho-bag awards.

Anywho – do you guys notice when a follower drops off? Do you care? Do you know who it is? Do you wonder why? I so would have before and now – meh – my followers I have now are loyal and supportive and encouraging and our love is mutual…if you can’t find it in yourself to be that for me so I can be that for you – then drop off my list…..for both our sakes…..mmmmkkkkaaayyy? (I was only kidding – please don’t leave me – I’ll never recover – I need all my ho-bags….oh God what have I done?)

If need be, I can make Drazil and Sheniqu beg you to stay……..I’m not above that.

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Monday, March 22, 2010

What I said yesterday just wasn’t enough……

I told you all yesterday about me and Jenny’s BFF anniversary. I said my piece…but last night I went to bed thinking of all that has happened in the last year and I kid you not – I laid crying in bed for the first time in years – good tears, happy tears. I’m actually not sure that has happened before. A couple of sentences wasn’t enough. If you’re not into sappy-ness and rosebuds….don’t read on…..unless you’re Jenny. I need you to know this.

One year ago yesterday I saw Jenny again – after not seeing her for years. I saw her and instantly thought – “Man – all these years and I’m still jealous of her.” Jenny lights up a room – cliché yes – but true nonetheless. We hung out with a mutual friend that day never knowing that mutual friend would give us the best gift ever……each other.

Then we became FB friends and talked on Messenger at night until we almost fell off our chairs in laughter. It sounds like a freaking love affair…and it’s how it felt. We both had “best friends” at the time. Or so we thought. I guess in essence I was cheating on mine – ha!

I found out Jenny was in her 6 month pre-op diet. Shamefully I tried to talk her out of surgery – out of fear and my non-knowledge about lap bands. And to be honest with you – I thought she was too small. I went home and told my husband Jenny isn’t even big – I don’t understand – I’m scared for her. Today I’m still sorry I ever made her doubt her decision.

At some point I realized Jenny’s decision was her own and it was the right one and I supported it.

At another point both our “best friends” betrayed us – devastatingly so – almost at the exact same time. Those moments were some of the hardest we’d been through but somehow we found each other and found reasons to laugh and at some point – just like when two people say I love you for the first time – we decided it was official. We had become best friends – and we both decided it had never been like this with anyone else. There are no words for that moment.

Over the next year I visited Jenny – I love her husband and her beautiful girls. I’m quite anti-social and have social anxiety and for the first time in my life I went somewhere and didn’t panic or not want to go. Again – monumental – no words for that. Jenny gave me that.

We took our kids to zoos and play places. We laughed. We shared our deepest secrets and they came out just like we were only speaking of something as mundane as weather.

Jenny and I installed a wood floor – by ourselves.

We have purse fetishes and are office supply whores. Our favorite store is Staples.

We both love Elvis.

We spend weekends together doing nothing but playing board games and talking and we have the time of our lives.

Jenny and I went over each other’s finances and she never once judged me…..again, no words.

Jenny and I discovered we’re nearly twins. We act the same, talk the same, like the same things, have the same experiences, etc. We were separated at birth for sure.

We met the terms of being official best friends by sharing inside jokes, thinking the same thoughts and giving looks without saying a word and knowing what they meant.

I took Jenny to my childhood home that is now covered in mud, flooded and condemned. I never cried because Jenny was with me and I felt like with her I could handle walking through those memories.

If something happens to me – she’s the first person I want to tell.

In my every day world – no matter if I talked to her seconds ago or if it’s been days – she’s in my corner and my heart feels that. That brings a sense of peace I’ve never known.

When I get mad at someone – she gets mad at them too – for me. And in the same respect – I’d walk through fire for her.

So yah – it was our anniversary yesterday – just another day in our lives….or so I thought….until I was quiet and really thought and replayed the memories and I knew what I first wrote wasn’t enough.

God put Jenny here for me. I know this in my soul.   She puts up with me smothering her and living in fear that I may lose her.....simply because she loves me.

I’m sure most of you have best friends….if you do, when’s the last time you told them how you felt and what they mean to you? If it’s been a while – say it here – on your blog so they see it in print. I’d love to hear about your best friend……it’s just the kind of mood I’m in today.

I love you TAMFBFF Jenny. I always will…….

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Ramblings from the mind of a genius....(aka Mama Pimp)

Yah, I know you all thought I was all brawn and no brains....but you're mistaken.  I got me some good brains...I just rarely chose to use them - it's so predictable you know?  Now I'm not saying this post is going to alter your lives but it never know. 

FIRST and most importantly - guess what today is? 
One year ago today Jenny (Jen's Lap Band Journey) and I re-met after years of not seeing or speaking to each other due to distance and time and life in general.  One year later I know I'll never live without her again.  I've never known anyone like her and I've literally waited my whole life for her.  She is the definition of best friend and she makes me a better me.  I think one day we'll do a vlog on her blog and I promise I'll smooch her right on the forehead to prove how much I love her - for all the world to see....I know she can't wait.  I love you Jenny!

Second, I painted my toes bright blue.  Yes I'm 35.  Yes I have no business pretending in 13.  I did it to pay homage to the Cookie Monster.  I love him.  He makes me smile and since I can no longer partake in his yummy cookies I thought I'd paint his color on my toes.  I made that up....that's not why I did it - but it sounds good right?  C is for cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie!

Third, my little girls had french fries today.  They did not eat them all.  My husband threw them in the garbage.  I was inches away from digging them out to eat them.  That is the definition of desperation.  Enough said.

Fourth, last night I was mindlessly eating Sun Chips.  I hate Sun Chips.  Never liked 'em.  But I was eating them.  Husband says, "Should you be eating those?"  NOPE.  That would normally be the end of it but do you know what that bastard sweetheart did then?  He got up, took them from me, and put them away.  Yup, right out of my a thief in the night.  I felt violated.  I told him to "help me" on my weight loss journey - I never really thought he would.  Peckerhead.

Fifth, I saw someone (could be The Dash) - I can't remember - who used the word "fark" on their blog.  That's my favorite new word.  It replaces plethora and whootananny and FUPA.  Which then leads me to question why are all my favorite words dirty?  There's something wrong with me.

Sixth, why do I insist on numbering my blog paragraphs?  Am I too good for normal paragraphs?

Seventh, I have severely limited my sugar intake as you know. Some days I get less than 15 grams.  My goal is not to eliminate it in all forms....just in the major forms like cookies, cakes, sweets, desserts, candy, etc.  I have a frenemy who I was telling this too and she knew what I ate the day before.  Do you know she had the balls to point out to me that "spaghetti sauce has sugar in it so you didn't really give up sugar."  Thanks Einstein.  Wow - stunner there.  Who knew?  I farked up.  Why do people like this get to breathe in my air space?

Eighth, I have nothing left to write but I hate odd numbers so I had to write a number 8.  (Eek I just realized Friday I asked SEVEN questions...what was I thinking?)  It's part of my OCD nature.  Oh wait no - I do have something to say - did you all grab your ho-bag awards?  I'm seriously thinking that every Friday I might post a few questions to start the weekend on.  Would you guys participate and like that?  Funny and serious ones just like last time....I shall try it but I'm not promising a new award.  Don't go getting all greedy on me.....

Oh and P.S. - only 10 more days until my fat baby's ass gets to weigh itself again.....can you believe it?

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

HO-BAG blogger award as you requested for those of you who listened to your Mama Pimp!

This is how much I love and listen to you all.  To all you good little ho-bags who listened to me - your self-proclaimed Mama Pimp - grab this ho-bag award and throw it on your blog.  Yes, once again, I'm telling you what to do.  But let's all remember quite a few of you stomped your feet and whined and cried that you didn't get a ho-bag award...LOL. 

Ask and ye shall receive. 

You're all such good little ho-bags.  If pimps were allowed to cry, I'd be a sobbing mess....

Oh and get this - there are no rules to getting/giving this award other than you can only have it if you answered the 7 questions from my 3/19/10 blog.  They were soul-searching life-altering questions so if you answered them, you can have this perty award with no strings attached....other than you have to tell everyone you know to become my brainwashed follower and to love me incessantly.  Muuuwwaaahhhh!

Let's hear it for *Whootananny's R Us*......

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Magic Shave Powder - Lesson 101

Get your twisted little dirty perverted minds out of the gutter.  This is Lesson 101 - which means I'm not going to talk about the whootananny.  Oh shit - I just did didn't I?  You won't see that word again I swear.  I might as well literally build a freaking cottage in Hell for the amount of time I'm going to spend there in the future some day huh?

Okay - just Lesson 101 - sooooo yes we're just going to speak of merely buying the Magic Shave Powder. 

So I go to Walgreens.  I give myself a pep talk before going in - I promise myself my mother-in-law is NOT going to be in there the same time as me.  I enter.

Where the hell is the man's shaving aisle?  Good God - do they hide it with the condoms like it's shameful (cuz *I* feel shameful)?  Oh thank God - here it is - shaving "stuff".  There's enough Nair here to de-hair Bigfoot but no MSP.  I'm starting to sweat.  And lo and behold --- enter little grey haired saintly woman as soon as I decide to pick up the bottle that says NO RAZOR BURN ON YOUR SENSITIVE BIKINI AREA.  Jesus.  Kill me now.

She says, "Is there something I can help you with?"  NO FOR THE LOVE OF PETE - I'M JUST LOOKING - LEAVE ME ALONE. 

I reign in my temper.  "No Mam, I'm just fine.  Thank you."  This is definitely not the MSP aisle.  I walk around for what seems like an eternity - and finally there it is. 

Now here's the good part.  Duuudddesss - my Walgreens has MSP that is specifically for bald heads.  There's the cream Jenny bought and I think Amy that is for beards and facial hair.  I found a bottle for bald heads.  JACKPOT - my hubby is going to kiss the ground I walk on if he doesn't have to shave anymore.  And in my devious little head I'm thinking that if this is safe for his head it's gotta be safe for my pooty tang.  (No "w" word there you'll notice.)

I decide to buy both bottles.  Now to the next item - Kool-aid.  Word to my homies - Walgreens doesn't have Kool-aid.  It only has yet ANOTHER Grandma like employee who would like to help me find the Kool-aid they don't sell while I hold fah-gina de-hairing products in my tight little hands.

And I'm not making this crap up - I've been known to exaggerate - but not this time.  This is serious business.  I'm half covered in hives already.  The last time I was in Walgreens I was with Jenny - um - I refuse to tell you what we bought.  I can't go there.  I still have nightmares. LOL

So fine - no Kool-aid.  Get me the hell out of here.  I have to buy something else - I cannot just leave with this.  Effing Grandma #3 is at the checkout for God's sake.  She's probably never even seen her coochie.  If I set only MSP on the counter she's going to clutch her heart and die on the spot.

Oh holy Mother of God - M&Ms are on sale.  Two bags for $4 and I'm good to go.

You guys I'm not kidding.  I get to checkout.  I refuse to make eye contact.  I'm swiping my freaking card.  OH JESUS - that's not my debit card.  That's the $0 effing gift card I picked up to use to wipe the cream off my ass crack.  Oh yah - you guessed it.  She says, "Oh how much do you want on that?" 


Dammit - put $5 on it so next time I come in here for MSP I can gift it to myself.  What have I done to deserve this?

Sooooo I swipe my real debit card.  I think I'm almost out.  NOPE - Grandma wants to know if I have rewards or coupons to use on my MSP.  NO - HOLY HELL - it's only $3.99.  She smiles and says "That's okay, I think I might have one."  WHAT?  You're kidding right?  She's Satan.

She seriously flips through the 50 page weekly flyer and finds a damn coupon for me.  Oh yah - get this - it wasn't for the MSP.  It's for the G*ddamn M&Ms.  Does she not understand I'd have paid $10 for a bag of those things?  So now I have to bow down and thank her - the Coupon Goddess - for saving me $1 on my M&Ms but curse her for making me put $5 on a Walgreen's card.  I hope they give her an Easter bonus.  Gag.

Yes girls - this happened in about 10 minutes.
Yes girls - this is my life in my head as I know it.
Yes girls - I am a self-professed goody-two-shoes and this experience was painful for me.
Yes girls - I am a drama QUEEN.
Yes girls - I ate half the bag of M&Ms before I even put my car in drive.

Last thing - I get home and reveal the bald head MSP to the hubby.  He is super excited.  Now we must do a back experiment.  Great - can't wait.  And then?????

OM-effing-GOD!  He sees the M&Ms.  He says, "How come you didn't get me almond ones?" 

Suffice it to say he has M&Ms - not almond ones - shoved in places he didn't know he had holes for.  And he's missing a certain appendage too. 

I now need therapy.....well that or a beer will do.

Stay tuned for MSP - Lesson 102 - it could be the head or the back or my lady part.  You just never know do ya?

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

To all my good little ho-bags who participated in Friday's assignment....

First of all - thank God you listened because now I don't have to beat you into oblivion with my man hands and fake nails.  It would have hurt me more than it hurt you I 

Second - on a serious note - I think I'm shocked.  I won't say I'm speechless (type-less) cuz we all know that's not possible but I signed in and saw all your posts for Drazil....and I nearly cried.  I put that blog out there and I think in my teeny head I didn't think anyone would really do it just cuz I begged.  That was a heck of a guilt trip though huh?  I can't put it in words what the simple act of answering 7 questions for me felt like....I just can't.  And me not having the all know that's pretty unheard of.  I never shut up.

When I began blogging just 3 months ago I never imagined I'd become an addict.  Blog whore - yes.  Addict - no.  Yes I always loved to write but to have people read what I wrote was a thought that never entered my mind.  Jenny read my blog (she has to - she's my BFF - ha!) and that's all I ever wanted.  I started it with her so we could help each other.  Now - I can't imagine my life never having met you all.  I find myself often wondering how in the world we women have managed to become such a support system for each other when in real life - women suck. 

I mean come on - we're petty, bitchy, PMS-y, competitive, moody, whiny ....we hate people like Martha Stewart for no reason, we secretly hate it when her shoes kick ass, etc....

But here - I haven't seen any of that.  Is it the mere fact that we don't spend actual time together that we all literally support and love each other - even having never met.  It boggles my mind - mostly because I want THIS support in my every day real physical life....and I know that's not going to happen. 

Suffice it to say - 3 months ago I never knew a blog world existed.  I never knew any of you.  And today my life is fuller because of all of you.  If you think you're just a follower - you're wrong.  There's no such thing as "just" a follower.  I think we all know that.

And I guess I found the words after all.

For those of you who didn't answer my pimp daddy's are out looking for you.....RUN!!!!!!!!!!

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Friday, March 19, 2010

It’s Friday – let’s do something a little different and fun……

I have some questions for you all and now you don't have to think about what to blog about today! 

Pretty please – just humor me. Oh wait – I’m the pimp and you’re my have to do what I say right? I keep forgetting I’m the self-proclaimed Mama Pimp.

Okay – I have nooooooo idea why – but last night I was thinking about chain emails (you know the whole – where are you right now, what did you last eat, who did you last screw, when’s the last time you shaved your whootananny get to know you emails) and somehow that got me thinking back to when I was in college and was chosen as the Ambassador for the college for one year. It was a grueling process. BIG competition – frankly – I had no business being in the competition with these people. I can admit that. But I was nominated and therefore wrote the essays and went through the interview process. I was young but I had big Aqua-net hair with still-large boobs to match – so I gave it my all. I walked into the interview room to find 6 people – head people and the President of the college. I nearly threw up on their laps. Um, no one prepared me for this.

I rocked that interview. To this day, I know I won the Ambassador-ship because of that interview. And I rocked it because the questions were my style….and my answers were mine, not some textbook answer we had all rehearsed thinking we knew what the questions would be. I won a lot of money and prizes and shocked the hell out of my competitors and was pretty proud of myself.

Anywhooooo – let’s play get to know your fellow blogger with a list of 7 fun questions – cuz it’s Friday, cuz I wanna learn more about my fellow bloggers, cuz I love you all, and cuz I said so and I’m the pimp. We’ve been over that already. If you get a chance and you wanna humor me – copy these questions and answer them in your own blog and please for the love of God – if I’m not following you and you’re following me send me a link and let me know. Sometimes your profiles don’t show your link but I wanna follow I swear!

Also – let it be known – if no one does this I will cry all weekend, never leaving my bed, with mascara stained cheeks. Drazil will taunt me all weekend saying, “See – no one really likes you in blog world – you made it up in your crazy head.” No worries – I know my BFF Jenny will do this for me – right Jenny? LOL

Was that a good guilt trip?

And yes – these are some of the exact questions I was asked years ago when I won……I still remember them today. I’ll throw in a few I made up too just cuz that’s how I roll.

1. If you could be a weather forecast, what would you be and why?

I answered then “cloudy with a chance of rain” and I’d answer the same today. Weird answer when they expected sunshine – everyone’s fave right? The back story here is my Dad worked a lot when I was a kid – and when he actually had a day off he worked at home too. Unless it rained. If it rained – I had a father who acted like a father – because when it rained he couldn’t work outside. I suffered through some pretty heavy depression years ago and I loved the dark, the rain….the mood that went with it because everyone was grouchy and sad and I could be too – instead of pretending to be happy on sunny days just cuz that’s what everyone else expected. Now I love rain for the sound and the smell and because it’s the best weather to make love in.

2. If you could be a crayon, what color would you be and why?

Years ago I said pink. Today I would literally tell you I can’t choose. I gravitate toward different colors all the time. People always have their favorite – I have a favorite for a week, then I switch. I cannot pick from the rainbow cuz it’s the whole rainbow I love.

3. What is/was your biggest physical goal you want to do when you hit your goal weight?

For me it was piercing my belly button….and I did that quite a few pounds ago. I even have a handcuff dangly ring from my husband that is all bedazzled up. I’ve always sworn I’d cut my hair really short if I ever got to goal and lost my chubby cheeks. I didn’t know I’d need a tummy tuck after the weight loss – so it wasn’t a goal until I figured that out. I had that done 2 yrs ago this June. My other physical goal is to run some kind of race with Jenny – and to cry when I cross the finish line.

4. If you could be any animal, what would it be and why?

Hmmm….I can’t remember what I answered back then but today I’d have to say a deer. I know that’s so odd but I live in Hicksville, USA and deer are a constant daily reminder to me of the beauty that is nature. I usually have to literally stop my car dead in the road every day to let 5 or 6 deer pass. Last weekend we counted 16 in a herd. They are beautiful with their white tails and so strong and have you ever seen them jump? Graceful to say the least. And around here they sustain a lot of families and I respect them for that too although I could never shoot one.

5. Just because I’m new to some followers and I’m curious – let’s do a put it out there in black and white stat question.

What was your highest weight? 226
What is your weight now? Um not sure – I can’t weigh for 18 days but my last good weight when I was on track was 162.5
What is your goal weight if you have one? 150 or 155
What is your goal size if you have one? 5
What diet/program/tool do you follow/have if any? I count calories – 1200 a day is my goal
How did you lose the weight current to today? I did Body for Life for 10 weeks and also used Weight Watchers quite a bit and I ran my azz off

6. What’s your best advice for people in this weight loss journey?

My advice would be KOKO. Keep On Keeping On. The only real thing I know in this journey is that perseverance is key. I’ve been doing this for over 4 years now….and it’s never been easy and it’s never going to get easy. There were surgeries, natural disasters, stresses, and daily life in my way over the years and there were literal months when I stopped caring and went off plan. BUT somewhere in the back of my head – I never gave up. I knew one day I’d wake up and get back on track…I never once said the hell with it, I’m done trying. Sometimes I said “I’m done trying for right now” but I never said I was done for good. I never stopped wanting the goal. I consistently reach out for new inspiration and try to make myself do new things because the old things I did got me to 226 pounds. Like taking up blogging, or trying a new diet or making color-coded graphs or falling in love with lap banded women, or running in public….etc. My life is about KOKO.

7. Have you ever shaved your whootananny?

Dudes – I’m just kidding. Please do not answer this……please….I’m begging you. P.S. I’m buying the magic shave powder today though Amy scared the crap out of me with the credit card scraping instructions. Review to come later.

Can’t wait to see your answers!

That’s it – this last part is for Rebekah…she had ?s about my breast reduction. Rebekah – I had my BR before I ever had kids. First off – with boobs my size the doc said I may not have been able to breastfeed without smothering the baby and seriously I hated them so much I don’t think I would have even let a baby near them anyway. But the thing is – I had my babies – my boobs did NOT get any bigger even then and get this??? I breastfed. Just for a little while – I didn’t have enough milk to sustain her and it wasn’t really my cup of tea but my milk ducts were still functioning……my doc said some people can still nurse, some can’t. So there you have it…..for my insurance all I had to do was meet height and weight requirements….because of course, boobs are fat and if you’re overweight it stands to say that if you lost weight, your boobs would decrease too. Not me – no matter how skinny I got – they were HUGE. Insurance deems it medically necessary due to the back and shoulder and neck problems they cause. I wonder if they can lessen the size of the aereola too? I can’t remember – mine are small now. Good luck Rebekah!

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣