Tuesday, March 2, 2010

And so it begins....

If you recall, yesterday was the first day my husband began following the 1200 calorie plan I mapped out for him. In case you’re curious, he started at 204 and he’s about 5’6”. He works out regularly with me but has NO CLUE about calories and nutrition and all that so his weight loss is minimal. Anywhooo – since in my other life I pretend to be a trainer and nutritionist who sits on my ass while I singlehandedly change people’s lives – I have mapped out a plan for him and he has sworn he’ll follow it.

Now yah – I’m starving him. Muuuuuwwaaahhhh. I’m kidding. I would never do that BUT the man has 4 months to lose weight or he has to go on cholesterol meds and if I can survive on 1200 calories or less – dammit everyone in my house should suffer just like me right? Plus he works with dangerous criminals – he needs to be more fit. There are a myriad of other reasons he has to do this too but his health is definitely the number one reason (well that and I’m desperately on the hunt for those six pack abs he had in high school – I know they are in there somewhere.)

Anyway – he thinks he’s pretty funny. All day yesterday he emailed me “Baby doll, I just ate my banana…I’m so full I could throw up.” “Honey, I just ate my 140 calorie sandwich you made me and I’ve never been more satisfied.” He’s an ass.

We get home. I measure out his taco meat and count his freaking chips and put them in a pile. He laughs the whole time at how small the portion is. I tell him I hope he starves. He’s done eating and I decide to re-check the serving size of chips.

OOOOPPPPSSSS! He was supposed to get 48 chips – I gave him 24. Crap – I say “oh shitaki – do you want more chips? I read the bag wrong.” He says “what’s the point of more chips when there’s nothing to put on more chips?” I laugh – an evil welcome to my world laugh.

I have opened the can of worms.

“That’s proof – you’re starving me. You’re giving me the shaft. You’re withholding food from me.”….as he dances around the kitchen pointing at me like he’s just discovered the Lost City of Gold.

Here – have a cookie – you figured out your wife is evil. There’s a surprise. Who knew? (ask Martha Stewart – I kicked her ass last week and she’s still crying.) And all this time he thought I farted rainbows and gumdrops.

So we move on to making his meals for tomorrow and I tell him he could have an extra serving of “animal cookies” if he’s going to work out and he again takes to dancing some dumb ass jig and says “ohhhhh can I please?” Have I mentioned I hate him?

I have secretly decided to slash 200 calories off his supper without him knowing it….I hope he feels hunger like never before and falls into a starvation coma – you know – like the kind I experience EVERY DAY of my ever-loving life!

Last night before bed I hear him in the kitchen and he yells, “Do I have any zero calorie free foods I could eat?” WHAT PLANET DOES THIS MAN LIVE ON? The only thing with no calories he can eat is AIR. If there were no calorie foods don’t you think I’d be eating them 24/7? Did you not understand this sucks – and it will be hard?

I yell back “YUP – eat boogers – they’re full of protein.” – as I throw the bag of carrots at him.

And before I end this – let me just say – he did NOT work out last night. He just ate his measly 1135 calories. He stepped on the scale this morning. Are you ready for it?

Down 3 lbs!

What a peckerhead. I scream – “See? I know what I’m doing. I know how to starve you properly. And I hate you.” He has the balls to say “see – I told you I didn’t want you getting upset when I lose weight faster than you.”

I leave – if I have to look at him I might slap his never-ending smirk off his face. Seriously – do Bob and Jillian get this kind of disrespect? (I bet Jillian isn’t getting felt up every 5 minutes either) I must teach him to respect his almighty life changer.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting here waiting for the Biggest Loser to call…I’m pretty sure they’re gonna want me to help out Bob and Jillian after they see what I’ve done with peckerhead here. If he doesn’t knock it off I’m going to give him Drazil for a day – that’ll teach him. He’ll be a pathetic little boy crying in the corner in no time then.

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣


Jennifer said...

haha ! I think you are are starving him. Doesn't a man need more calories than 1200? No wonder he lost so fast!

LDswims said...

Oh too funny. I had to read this to my husband who was sitting here laughing his head off. Little does he know my secret plan is about to commence. :)

3 lbs is awesome. You go girl! Keep it up! (Cause you know it's you...he couldn't and wouldn't do this without you!)

Ashli said...

Based on his height, weight and gender, here are his daily caloric needs.

Maintenance: 2516 Calories/day
Fat Loss Range: 1632 - 2013 Calories/day

Kristin said...

Hilarious. He'll drop 20 pounds in like ten minutes. It's infuriating how they can do that. Keep up your good work, Dominatrix Wife.

DawnB said...

Hilarious post! The banter sounds like my DH & me. And by the way - he sneezes & loses 20 pounds - SO FRUSTRATING!!!!

Jenny said...

Hysterical! Loved the part about farting gumdrops and rainbows!

I can't believe you got your husband to follow the plan at all. Great Job!

Debi said...


Hi Drazil, I just saw that you are now Following my blog and I wanted to say thanks and hi!

Girl Bandit said...

I think you are starving him...but ever so funny. He needs more food poor man...LOL

Dirttrackdiva said...

OMG!!! ROFLMAO!!! That's just too much. It also sounds very, very much like me and my hubby. Outsiders think we hate eachother. lol Loving it!