Tuesday, March 9, 2010

And the worst mother of the year award goes to........

Wait for it....the suspense will kill you...

Yup – it's ME and my fat baby’s azz. I feel like I’m part of the shit parade today….so I’m just gonna put it out there. It’s confession time and you all get to be my priest today.

Some days I literally suck at being a mom. I’m selfish and self-absorbed and as you all know from a prior blog – as I age have become unable to handle any kind of body fluids coming from anyone without going into convulsions myself. My daughter started throwing up at midnight. I heard her yell – I ran to her. Yeah me – that’s one point for me. I then realize she’s throwing up….so I back away like she’s the plague. I can’t see it, smell it or hear it or I’ll need that toilet myself. What is wrong with me? Where are my hairy balls of steel I acquired just last week? All I can say now is thank God for the husband.

But can I just say he has a slight advantage though? This man sees prisoners smear feces on their walls, gets urine thrown on him, and deals with criminals gushing blood after they injure themselves on purpose….all with no reaction. He’s trained that way. No one trained me to handle such things. So for today - that is my excuse and I’m sticking to it.

The second time my daughter yells get this – I didn’t move – which is the cue to the husband that this time it’s all up to him. He runs….and about a minute later after I’m sure he has it under control I get up. I do the after-care. The washcloth, the hug, the snuggling her back in bed….you know – the easy part.

And oh yah – the story of the worst mom of the year isn’t over yet. Guess what I did this morning? I went to work! I have massive formal interviews for our certification today and it would not be good to miss them. So unlike Vanessa (Dinnerland) and probably every one of you with kids out there who have no problem putting your kids first  – I put my job first today. My only excuse is that my daughter thinks of her sitter as her second mom. Seriously – if me and my husband die – it’s in the will that this sitter gets custody of them.

The whole way to the sitter’s I’m literally praying to every God imaginable…..Buddha, the Dalia Lama, Zeus, a golden calf, whoever…..that she doesn’t throw up in the car. What kind of mother does that?

Um so yah – I’ve sorta been up since midnite and pretty much been feeling guilty since then. So while I might kick ass at my job, excel in my 2nd and 3rd jobs, have OCD organization skills, fart gumdrops as a wife and am loyal as a BFF – today – I suck as a mom. Does it help that I’ll call her every hour to see how she is? Does that restore your faith in me a little?

Oh and the man diet – 6 lbs down. Day 8. Whatever. Um peckerhead - remember me? Just hit 12 lbs lost since January freaking 1st? Ugh. 8 more damn days and he’ll probably surpass me. I hate him….except for when he cleans up puke cuz I can’t.

And karma is kicking me in the ass today too. It is my punishment I am sure. Just because I wondered why the weight was coming off fairly easy I’m up 1.5 lbs on the scale today. Back to 163 and holding. I’m pretty sure it’s the Universe handing out my “YOU SUCK TODAY” award. I only have one thing to say about it. And that is…

F*ck you Sheniqua! You can go to holy hell with the 10.5 lbs I’ve already lost. You can have today……cuz tomorrow will be mine again.

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣


Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

OMG, I am so the same way about people throwing up. I can't be anywhere near it - can't hear it, see it, smell it - or I'll be running for the bathroom. My son threw up in car one time on a drive home from my moms; I was trapped with it for 30 miles & thought I was going to die (no joke). Definitely one thing the husband is good for around here too!

As for going to work, don't beat yourself up. It sounds like it was really important for you to be there & it seems you have an awesome sitter. Assuming she has no aversion to bodily fluids, you may be really be doing you & your daughter a favor. :)

Chele said...

Quit beating yourself up. Husband is a parent too and has to do some of the work and if that means he gets puke patrol, so be it!

You are not a horrible mother and I think we all have these moments where we feel like shit and that everything bad that happens in their future will be our fault for having to go to work or school or take 2 hours for ourselves becuase if we didn't we might just go completely insane.

Hang in there...you're a wonderful mother and a fantastic woman!!!

Amy W. said...

This is why I can't be a mother. I dont do body fluids either. And I am selfish. And want everything to be about me. But I do wipe my cat and dogs eye goobers with my own hands. And that is gross. Dont feel bad. This is why you have a partner. And the snuggling afterwards is the most important. AND...i bet if he wasnt there...you would have done it. You just didnt have to and you knew it!

Kristin said...

Listen, a mother's job is ensuring that her children are cared for. You've done that. If you were by yourself, you'd have handled it and then gone and thrown up. But you knew your husband had your back, and you still comforted your daughter.

You work so your children can have what they need, and you've found a fantastic person whom they love to watch them when you're at work.

You're doing your job well, girl. Don't be so hard on yourself.

PS Six pounds in eight days? I hate your husband too. You can tell him I said that.

Rebekah said...

HAHAHA....give yourself a break!! Kristin is exactly right--if you had to do it you would, but heck if you don't HAVE TO then by all means, girl, DON'T!!! Let your man do that--he lost freaking six pounds already!! Does he work at a prison?? I HATE how men can lose weight by merely reading about diets! Ticks me off! Have a great rest of the day and then give your daughter extra love tonight!

LDswims said...

Yeah, I agree with everyone else - take it easy on yourself. At the end of the day you were there for your daughter and that's the part she'll remember when she's 30. You knew that all the bases were covered - you didn't just leave her to herself - even if you didn't cover them all personally. It's ok. We all have our strengths and we all have our weaknesses. And those strengths and weaknesses are what makes you her mother. At the end of the day - she still wants to go home with you, her mom, and your husband, her dad. Her needs and even wants are being met. That's what is important!

kagead said...

I just got caught up on your past posts and am so sad to read you are having a rough day.

I can't add anything that hasn't been said already, but take it from this non-mom, you rock.

And, look at it this way, your hubby (who seems like a GREAT guy) deserves some karmic payback for his sickeningly effortless weight loss. I think this counts. :)


Dirttrackdiva said...

I'm SOOOOOO with you on the puke thing. My hubby and I have already agreed if we ever have kids, he's got puke patrol. I actually have a really irrational fear of it. If I think someone around me is going to throw up, I break out in a cold sweat and start to shake. Bad news. But everyone is right. Lighten up my friend. And if he's conditioned to it, hell yeah, let him have at it. lol