Saturday, March 13, 2010

As promised...Drazil and Eckhart getting all serious on your azzes....

Today is the day I prove I have a brain to the bloggies that I love who suffer through my poop escapades each day. 

First a confession.  I have come to the conclusion that I suck at this weight loss thing.  I mean honestly....4 years into this journey and still no goal?  How many times will I feel it within my grasp and then let it go?  I actually wonder - is my goal wrong, stupid, unrealistic, unattainable?  Um nope - if it were I wouldn't be able to pull inches of Sheniqua off my muffin sides.  And I know I can get there - the day I walked in for my tummy tuck appt I was there.  I worked my ass off to get to that day.  I was running for an hour a day - 5 or 6 miles and lifting every other day for a full hour too.  I burned upwards of 600 calories in every workout and my metabolism was rocking.  I bought size 5 pants and they fit.  I was at goal. 

Today - I don't know if I can get there again.  I am full of doubts.  I wonder if I want this bad enough.  So in saying all that....would you all hate me if I asked to borrow your lap band for a week or so?  I want a tool - that doesn't allow me to eat so much....because I can't stop on my own.  I have an addiction and it scares me to death that I can easily go back to 226 if I don't get this under control.  I feel alone in this battle - because at the end of the day it's only up to me - no one else can reach this goal for me.

What is the void I'm trying to fill?  What is food giving me I can't get from anything else?  Why can't I love me for me?  Just why?  I'm just tired - tired of the cycle, tired of knowing for the rest of my life I can't ever go over calories or stop working out or the weight comes back instantly.  I'm tired of looking in the mirror and only seeing "not good enough".  I love everyone I love for exactly who and what they are - and I want that for myself.  Maybe Eckhart is the key to that.

Here's an excerpt I read last night that made me think about the Grinches and Martha Stewarts I complain about a lot.

"The ego loves to complain and feel resentful not only about other people but also about situations.  What you can do to a person, you can also do to a situation: make it into an enemy.  The implication is always:  This should not be happening; I don't want to be here; I don't want to be doing this; I'm being treated unfairly.  And the ego's greatest enemy of all is, of course, the present moment, which is to say, life itself.    See if you can catch, that is to say, notice the voice in the head, perhaps in the very moment it complains about something and recognize it for what it is: the voice of the ego, no more than a conditioned mind pattern, a thought.  Every time you recognize this voice, this is weakened."

"The ego always wants something from other people or situations.  There is always a hidden agenda, always a sense of "not enough yet", of insufficiency and lack that needs to be filled.  It uses people and situations to get what it wants, and even when it succeeds it is never satisfied for long.  Often it is thwarted in its aims, and for the most part the gap between "I want" and "what is" becomes a constant source of upset and anguish.  The underlying emotion that governs all the activity of the ego is fear.  The fear of being nobody, the fear of nonexistence, the fear of death.  All its activities are ultimately designed to eliminate this fear, the the most the ego can ever do is cover it up temporarily with an intimate relationship, a new possession, or winning at this or that.  Illusion will never satisfy you.  Only the truth of who you are, if realized, will set you free."

That's all I got for now.  I'm spending the day getting back on track - in my mind - and then in body.  I fell off the what right?  You guys will let me get back on - right?  I'll bring friends....Sheniqua and Drazil you know (they'll bring the appetizers cuz they're azzholes)....and maybe even Frank....they all love you too.  We can't do it without you.......that is one thing I am sure of.

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣


Ms. Chunky Chick said...

You can do it. Have faith in yourself! It is hard and greuling and it sucks but it can be done! you did it before! You can do it again!

Tiff said...

So glad you found my blog! You are a RIOT! I'm definitely looking forward to keeping up with you on your journey :)

Jacquie said...

{{{hugs}}} We've all been where you are right now. Myself, many, many times. You do great and than just lose the confidence. I wish I had the answers for you and me! This too shall pass. I am knew to all this blogging and just getting my band on 3/24 but I feel like as long as I am writing it down and being honest, maybe, just maybe, I can do it this time.

Your doing all this already. You're just having a bad day. You'll get through and move one. I know you will! We are all here for you!

Barbara said...

Sweetie.. I think you got your head in the right place.. but why isn't that band doing its thing.. could you need a tweak with a fill?.. I actually had to read your post twice to take it all in.. I think everything you wrote about we all think and feel.. for me (and I can only speak for myself), I have come to learn (through the school of hard knocks) that I own my emotions. If I chose to let anyone influence me, or how I feel about myself, or anything else then that's a decision I need to live with.. the point of realization is that you (in the general sense) control your own emotions..
Enough of my preaching.. hang in there you are doing a great job .. remember the only time you fail is when you quit.. and you are no quitter... hugs to you .. hang in there..

Corletta said...

I had an absolute laugh reading your blog. I am officially a follower! Funny how we find blogs that directly reflect that which we are also going through! Ha...reading your post was like reading my brain on paper :) LOVE IT!

LDswims said...

Hang in there. I think you are touching on what I have decided is my personal motto. Own it! If you fall of the wagon, who cares. It's a choice you made at the time and in making that choice, you also accepted the consequences. That awareness is what will keep you from going back to 226. Get back on the wagon and move forward. And sometimes it's ok to choose, for one meal, to get off the wagon. Life is too short to live it stressed out about what may or may not happen tomorrow.

I'm Loving my Complicated Life! said...

I love your blog lady!! This post hit home for me. Keep going!


Rebekah said...

Do you have band envy?? :o) All I can say is I intimately know the thoughts and fears that go thru your mind. I think if we treated ourselves like we treat our BFFs (loving them as they are--encouraging their dreams..etc) We would get farther. But--if you're like me I can't do that.

I've heard before that money and power are just magnifiers of our present internal qualities. So, for the people that think they would be happy IF THEY ONLY made $250K a year or won the lottery---their present internal feelings of "not enough" or dissatisfaction would only be magnified to a bigger, uglier demon. Have you seen the shows following people after they won the lottery, for instance. I think for me weight is the same way. A lot of times (pretty much all of the time) I think that if I can only be 125, tan, with perky Cs THEN I would be absolutely happy. But like the Bible says...until you are faithful in the little--you won't be faithful in the big. To me that means that I have to focus on the internal character NOW when I'm 182 and 36Z (HA!)or getting to that goal won't be any more fulfilling or any less angst that I feel right now. I will always want more than I have--unless I can want what I have first. Easier said than done...but I think you are on the right track. Focus on gratitude. Feel the power of that as you soak up the present--and keep pressing on to the goal. I know you can do it. Don't let yourself settle!!!

Jenny said...

I really think that losing weight is the hardest thing to do. Its so easy to fall back on old habits.

With that said, you CAN do it. You not only have the support of the blogging world but you also seem to have an awesome family! One day at a time!

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

YOU CAN DO IT!!! I have 100% confidence in you. :)

And, though your individual battle is one nobody can win for you... you are far from alone. You have all of us to share the burden & read about the poop escapades. I was telling my best friend earlier today that I swear you are somehow one of us because when I read your posts they are sooooo "me" its scary sometimes, lol.