Monday, March 15, 2010

Day 2 of 18….read with caution…this ain’t gonna be pretty...

The “non-pretty part” is coming at the end….I can’t start out a blog with such vulgarity.  I do have some morals.

First off – is anyone else so tired from this time change that your eyes burn, you’ve fallen asleep at your desk, forgotten who you are and are in a virtual coma? Hmm…maybe it’s just me.

Second – to BG re: migraines. Yup I had a CT scan of the brain too. God only knows why the diagnosis “crazy” wasn’t officially ascertained from this but no problems that they could see (cuz I hide crazy well I guess)….which led to “um we have no idea why you had 65 migraines.” Nice. But YES – mine are totally lack of sleep related too…which could be why I got one the last three days (plus the bad food no exercise)….the time change. People with migraines are super sensitive to time changes and weather and such. I’m so sorry you get them too…I’ve had them for 5 days at a time too….and the pain is indescribable.

Third – I did not weigh today. I shall prevail.

Fourth - this is the “ain’t gonna be pretty part” you’re all waiting for. No bodily fluids – just body parts. I can’t really believe I’m going to type this but I can’t always talk about the effing scale and what I’m shoving in my mouth right?

Oh and from here on out – in the tradition of naming things and cuz I hate typing the word vagina – my lady part is gonna be known as Candy.

Mmmmkay….soooo…..I was coerced into trying a new project last night by someone who shall remain nameless (her initials are A.W.). She was all bragging after my Brazilian wax question….she was all “I don’t spend money on going to someone, I do my own, shave it myself, no razor burn – smooth as a baby’s butt, totally easy-peasy.”

I think she lies - a lot.

Sooo I email Miss Unnamed privately and say, “Nu-uh – how the hell can that be possible – no razor burn?” She gives me pointers, tips, suggestions – yes – we are swapping shaving tips about Candy……unbelievable I know. But sometimes a girl’s gotta ask if she wants to know right?

So I say “ Heck I can do this – I’m not stupid – I’m gonna save money and embarrassment – no problemo.” I begin to prepare mentally in my head….these things cannot be done on a whim – your head must be in the right place before proceeding. That is to say craned so far near your ass it’s pretty much up in there…..women aren’t made to bend that way. Ugh.

I say to the family – leave me alone – I need quiet time – I’m shutting the door. I get out the materials. I line them up on the bath tub’s edge. I say a prayer. I begin.

30 seconds in and my back and neck hurt. Note to self – ask A.W. exactly how she sits/stands/lays when she attempts this de-hairing.

5 minutes in I realize there is too much water in the tub. I cannot possibly hold my ass/Candy up in the air for as long as this is going to take. Note to self – ask A.W. if she does this in the shower or tub or outside in the backyard pool. I drain some water. This is a helluva lot of work. This better be worth it.

On I trod. New shaver – check (the better to knick myself with). Hubby’s shaving cream – check (better to smell like a man’s face with). Tweezers – ha – I’m kidding. (Scared you, didn’t I?)

So whatever – I do my thing and the whole time I’m telling myself “Stop thinking about A.W. – that’s just gross to think of a fellow blogger in such a private moment – focus on Candy – this is important – you screw this up and you may never recover. Pay attention.”

Halfway through – I’m concentrating so hard that I don’t hear my daughter come in…I look up – shaver in Candy….and die of embarrassment.

“Whatcha doing Mommy?”

Well I’m certainly not doing what it looks like I’m doing. NOW GET OUT!

I continue and all I can think is “JESUS – how many nooks and crannies and crevices do these things have?” I’ve got enough here that when I’m done I can make a hairpiece. I think I’m done and voila! – nope – there’s a whole other area I missed. I’m having serious doubts that one teeny shaver can handle this. I probably should have done a pre-shave. I feel like I’m holding up thawed pieces of chicken trimming the fat off of them. This is like a frigging science project and I feel like I’m going to be graded when I’m done. It’s like trying to mow grass with one of those old-fashioned push mowers – in grass that hasn’t been mowed in um – years.

FINALLY I’m done – well let’s just say I’m done with the parts I can see. I cannot bend that far and those pieces/parts are just gonna have to live that way. There is no way I’m just gonna blind-shave in a part such as Candy. That’s inhumane. Not to mention wrong.

I get out – I’m sooo proud of myself. I slather on the lotion. I step in front of the mirror.

OH THE HORROR. What have I done to Candy?  What IS that thing? THAT is what it looks like without hair? Are you kidding me? I’m a porn star – a real life porn star. (Oh stop pretending you haven’t seen one.) Except they make it look good. What the hell? Can I superglue the hair back on? I can’t walk around like this. (Yah for a minute there I forgot I get to wear clothes over it.)

OH MY GOD – is that itching already? Holy mother of God it’s been 30 seconds since I dried off and I want to itch myself with a freaking hair brush just to make it stop. This cannot be happening.

Breathe. Calm down. It’s not so bad. It’s just new. I’ll get used to it and the man will have to appreciate it right? No more forest to get to the cave. Men love that right?

I exit the project area. I go see the man.

Do you know what he says??????????????????????????

"Nice but I like a little strip on top…you know maybe even a lightening bolt shape."

Did he just say that out loud and with an effing smirk? What do I look like – a freaking artist? You can’t make custom requests! Are you bending into shapes women weren’t made to bend into? Are you exploring caverns that you never knew existed? Do you know what Candy and I have just been through?

Dude – it’s gonna be a long time before you see this porn star’s weird-ass looking Candy. And by the way….you might wanna pick up new shavers before you shave next time. I used six of them. That’s right – all for the cause buddy.

When I let the lightening bolt grow back – I’m gonna use your toothbrush to comb it all pretty. Jerk.

Morale of the story – do not try this at home. Unless you’re A.W…..

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣


Jenny said...

lol! OMG. They do make a special shaving cream that you can use to prevent nicks. It might help. Its not that bad once you get used to it. lol. I can't believe your daughter walked in. Happy Monday!

Amanda said...


Okay, okay. I must admit that I shave too. You have to work up to no razor burn, lol. Eventually, it will stop. If you keep doing it, that is. ;)

Amy W. said...

Now do NOT go scaring other people. Lord Sweet Jesus, I am going to have to do a post about this now. One of your readers already has come to my blog to figure out what Lady Nuts are...

Did you shave in the direction of the hair like I instructed you? And yes, you should have done a preshave if you were working with troll hair. Now listen. This was your first go. It will be a little rough but it gets better.

When I was 327 I just had to go in blind. Wacking away like Edward Scissorhands. Now I can see all my business. I do this in the shower, standing, and it takes maybe 30 seconds. hahaha...

Tracey would NOT be happy if he knew I was talking about such things.

But one must share. I mean...what if there are other ladies out there with low danglers? Now they know they are not alone.


Jennifer said...

This is too funny. I can just picture Amy smacking you on the butt saying 'OK, now get back in their soldier! You can DO this!'

It does take practice but you can do it. I haven't done it in years, but I think I'm ready to tackle it again. Better start now to be ready for swim season anyway. I quit 2 years ago after I got really big - I didn't want to be all 'blind Edward Scissorhands' and do my own female circumcision. (SCARY!)

OMG - Troll hair! And DD walking in.."I'm not doing what you think I'm doing!" LMAO

I'm dying.

Drazil said...

30 seconds - who are you racing? Holy shitaki. I was in there a good 1/2 hour at least.

Troll hair and Edward Scissorhands - OMG - dying.

Amy - every time I feel the slightest itch you better get your skinny ass over here and itch it for me. I've been digging in my pants all damn day.

Which leads to the question? How often am I supposed to do this?

If you go in the direction of the hair it doesn't get really smooth dang it.

Help a hairy girl out.
Sasquatch (not Troll)

MrsFatass said...

There are just no words for how I feel about this post. And I need to know about the lady nuts. still.

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

OMG...I can feel my face burning red!!!! I have to guess what I'm doing now cause I can't see down there at all! Maybe when I lose the weight it will be better. Too funny!!

Sandy Lee said...

I thought you might take that hair straightening to your man again after his request!

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

You are hilarious! I would have totally been incapacitated with the daughter. Unable to continue.

jennyr1222 said...

You MUST go to Sephora today if there is one close, and you know what?? Even if it's not, find one. Get TEND SKIN. It comes in a roll on. Blue bottle. It's amazing. I have the most sensitive skin and am not a waxer, so I shave. I put this stuff on immediately and it's magic. No more itching, no red bumps. PURE MAGIC!

LauraLynne said...

THIS is why I let the professionals handle it (I should recount the story of waxing my *legs* one easter night...Oh Holy Lord)
Now you've tried shaving - let your hubs treat you to a professional wax now!
Just for science sake ;)

tessierose said...

Oh my---too funny! Keep at it, it's way less traumatic than the wax! Just takes practice.
@Amy LMAO! I call it the Turkey Waddle!

Chibi Jeebs said...

"When I let the lightening bolt grow back – I’m gonna use your toothbrush to comb it all pretty. Jerk."

Peeing. My. Pants. Laughing. OMG! bwa ha haaaaaa

(Big thanks to Mrs. Fatass for directing me here!)

Gilly said...

Hey man...let me tell you, you did your daughter a FAVOUR, letting her see you! you should have TOLD her what you were doing! I was in University before I found out, thanks to the other girls in my dorm, that women didn't HAVE to have hair halfway up their stomach and halfway down their thighs! My mother was a true mother of the 70's, if you know what I'm saying! The first year I shaved my legs, I only shaved the lower leg, from one side to the other (aka: NOT the back of the leg) because that's all I saw the ladies in the commercials doing!

Praise you (and Amy W) for bringing this VERY important subject to light!

Hooray for the sisterhood of the travelling vaginas!

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

OMG! I tried to read this while I was on the elliptical & I about fell off the thing I was laughing so hard. Guess that's what I get for trying to multitask at the gym.

Shaving definitely takes a little practice & getting used to... you just have to keep at it. Preshaving would've helped for sure. The best cream I've ever found for shaving that region I got at a Passions Party (naughty I know); seriously it works awesome & they have this spray for after that almost completely eliminates the itchy feeling.

LMAO about your daughter walking in... I would've died!

Southern Belle said...

Ok, I read this and was cracking up!!! The most important thing is the sharp razor and shaving cream (I use the one that is on sale)..I do it in the shower every other day. Once you get used to it it's not so bad and there is no itching. Don't be afraid to pull out a hand mirror if you need to. And by the can do shapes, hearts, diamonds and shamrocks...never tried a lightening bolt before! I have also not dyed my shamrock before but had a friend that did..interesting!

kagead said...

Drazil, honey, listen to me.

If your gonna start to DIY this particular job, you need Coochy Cream. One of your other followers mentioned it- you can get it at the Pleasure Parties and the like. You can also order it online from (gasp!) and places like Adam and Eve and Babes in Toyland that sell "adult" items.

If you want to dazzle your hubby with a lightening bolt, find the best Brazilian waxer in your town, have a glass of wine (or a Xanax, whatever your pleasure) and let her have at it.

I promise, he'll love you long, long time.

A Fat Chick Getting Skinny said...

My kids are looking at me like I have three heads because I literally LOL'd so hard tears were rolling!

Like A.W. go in blind and shave in the shower. I recommend the Mach 3 razors.

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

It gets easier! I got tired of the shaving and just started waxing.
I also wanted to let you know I gave you an award on my blog :)

Chele said...

Weight loss and Hair removal all in one spot? What more could a girl ask for? :)

Amy's right, It does get easier. the first couple times are bad and itchy and burny but it gets better and takes about 30 seconds for upkeep. It's the initial hack and whack that takes forever!

And a lighting bolt? really? Candy's a super hero?

Keelie said...

I was going to suggest Bikini Zone.I get it at wal mart. I am a blind shaver. Can't wait till I can see my "candy." What a day that will be.

The lightning bolt might be a bit much???

Monkey's in Disquise said...

OMG I haven't laughed that hard in a while!! The first time I shaved was...interesting to say the least. I had to call DH into the bathroom to fix it haha. Now I use an electric razor and zip through in just a few seconds without any razor burn or itch. DH told me, he too preferred a strip and I told him when he shaved his and just left a strip...I would too. That night after his shower...he told me.HE.HAD.A.SURPRISE. DO I need to tell you what he did in the bathroom?? I didn't think so :)

Helen said...

Sent over by Mrs. Fatass. HILARIOUS. Since you didn't mention it, may I suggest you use a mirror next time?

Elisabeth @ said...

This is way too funny. Just trust that it gets much easier with practice, and doesn't require 6 razors anymore. After a few times, you have all of those hidden parts memorized. =)

seattlerunnergirl said...

Oh. My. God. THAT, my friends, is why I am going to my fabulous bikini wax place tonight for a Brazilian. Some things are just not meant to be self-inflicted!

The CilleyGirl said...

Now I'm really happy I'm uninvolved these days and don't have to worry about the, um, bushy state of things. Once I was doing a little pre-trim and I don't know if I was tired or enthusiastic or drunk or what, but I slipped and the scissors snipped a place you do not want to be snipped. Seriously, I had a gash in my gash. Blood, a scab, the whole nine yards. That's when you give up and go in the other room and give your SO a big smack in the kisser!

Taylorvillegirl said...

Omg! That was the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Love the toothbrush revenge! HA!
Thanks to Mrs. Fatass for sending me over here. I will definitely be back.

Dirttrackdiva said...

OH MY GAWD!!! This was awesome! I laughed till my chest hurt. Then I copy and pasted it into a word document to read at my leisure when I need a good laugh. Holy shit that was funny! I was cackling like a hen when my hubby came home from work. Looked at me like I was insane, but it was worth it. :D Just for the record, I use intuition razors. With Skintimate shave gel on my hoo ha/candy but don't use the shave gel on my legs. Just a heads up.

Pamela said...

OMG I'm dying of laughter here. Thank you for sharing! My first time visiting, but I will definitely be back!