Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Dear blogger friends. This is my last post.

Because I’m going to freaking hemorrhage to death.

I want to find Eve (you know Adam and Eve) and wring her naked little neck. Isn’t it her fault – this whole pain during menstruating thing?

Or if you don’t believe in Adam and Even then fine – get me the nearest man and I’ll make do with strangling him.

I’m.

Going.

To.

Die.

I want to lay down and suffer in a field of daisies and cut my torso completely off.

Hairless, pink-hearted, smooth, troll-like, turkey-headed…..doesn’t matter…today I hate my whootananny.

So since I can’t stand up for fear I may pass out from blood loss I’m spicing up my day with thumb tacks. Thumb tacks you ask? Why yes – I’ve made an old fashioned sling shot and in between that and the straw I stole from the kitchen – any time a man walks by my office – I’m shooting them with a tack. It’s a riot.

They feign shock. They fall on the floor and even fake convulsions (some even screamed). They think they’ve been shot with some poisonous butt dart. (I wish) Then when not one of us women even gets up to check on them they get up and move on….right before I yell….

“Keep moving peckerhead….I’ve got more where that came from and my next target is your crotch – I was just practicing my aim on your butt. Walk by again if you dare. I’m here all day. Try the veal.”

After that wasn’t fun anymore every time they ask who shot them I’ve directed them to Martha Stewart’s office.

The only thing that will get me through today is knowing tomorrow everything will be okay again. The stars will align and men will be safe to pass by my door. Ladies – today you should thank God you don’t work here and you don’t have a penis. It’s not safe. Men are dropping like flies. Martha Stewart is an angry little witch huh? There’s just no telling what she’ll do next.





♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

28 comments:

Jennifer said...

OMG - You little drama queen! You about gave me a heart attack when I saw the title!

hahaha! Butt darts - love it.

But, you should quit yer whinin' - you only have it ONE day!!

Yes, blogger friends - she only has AF for one day!
If I didn't love her so much, I would hate her for that!

:)
Smooches

LauraLynne said...

I went 6 years without and then had my IUD out...and FREAKED RIGHT THE FARK (see...I can do it too! neener) OUT when I saw blood in the toilet.
Then I remembered - this is what women do. And I wanted a penis. Because surely random erections are so much more fun than bleeding once a month.

Jennifer said...

Hey - I just noticed that I can't subscribe to your post comments. What up?

Jen from Oregon said...

I love having no uterus!

Drazil said...

Hmmm Jenny - not sure what you mean - my brain can't function today - I'm bleeding. Tell me how to fix it. Yah but my ONE day sucks azzz....you have to feel sorry for me - it's in the BFF job description.

LauraLynne - LMAO - random erections - big deal - who can't deal with that?

LauraLynne said...

that's been men's best argument about "why being a MAN sucks"

they can suck it. Random erections would be funny, not painful, not inconvinient, not leave them soaking in a hot bath bleeding to death...

Barbara said...

Sorry Drazil Baby.. You get NO sympathy from me.. I have had my period for over 3 weeks and think I must need a blood transfusion. I have also been on high mega doses of harmones and have been raging maniac. So all men in my office have steeered clear of me (and for good reason).
So you can rant, but I own the trophy on this one..

Carmen said...

hdsfhsadfhdifheonjdnvdne

sorry that was me passing out after reading "this is my last post"!!

:-)

Southern Belle said...

I am lovin the butt darts! Awesome! Glad it's only for one day, feel better.

Debi said...

Yes, the Butt Darts are hilarious!! But only one day? Wow, you are lucky!

And I am so glad I had my Hysterectomy!!!!!

Jess said...

yeah mine lasted over a week post op when usually it's like 3 days, I think that's thanks to fast weight loss. It didn't something to me. And then 2 weeks later there it was again! Yeah I agree I would rather have a penis.

jennyr1222 said...

Ladies...Have you never heard of what helps cramps? An orgasm...yep, can't believe I just put that in print but I did. You can figure out how to make it happen (e.g., on your own or with your partner), but when you have an orgasm, it releases all of the tension (e.g., cramps)...and provides instant relief. Of course I've never done this but that's what my "friend" told me. ;-)

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Yay on the butt darts....i wish i only had it for one freaking day. ugh....

~*~TRACIE~*~ said...

I too, am bleeding to death at the moment, what the hell 1 day???? I might have to unfollow for a day or 2 to get over that UGH Ok well then i would miss to much :) My daughter is 12 and just had her FIRST and says to me this morning "i don't know what the big deal is, i am barely bleeding and no cramps or anything" I could thrown a few things at her at that moment!!!!

Gilly said...

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!

BanderificBeauty said...

Hope your released soon from whootananny hell ;) And I freaked out too when I saw the title! I was sad for a second till I started reading then of course as usual I was giggling.

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

That was me a few day ago. I swear it felt like all my female parts were gonna fall right on out every time I stood up.

Butt darts are a brilliant idea! You should shoot secret video for us all to laugh at. :)

Hope you feel better soon!!!

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

Hahahaha.

LDswims said...

Have all the blog world woman synchronized or something? My cycle just shifted by a few days and to read that everyone else is raging now, too...WTF.

jennyr1222 - hate to say it but it's not true. I have tried it multiple times cause it sounds nice and all. And O's have always made my cramps a zillion times worse. They are already bad enough on their own...I definitely don't need worse!

tessierose said...

I highly recommend the endimtrial albation, if your're finished having babies.

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

Major blood loss causes the brain to travel..... Sorry you are suffering, but your trip is hysterical.

Leslie said...

Thank you for reminding me of the erudite term "peckerhead". Hadn't thought of it in a while.

You make me quite pleased to be 2 years into menopause. But I remember it well.

Holistic Health Coach-Tri Mom said...

So funny!

FYI...pain can sometime be relieved by taking evening primrose oil, normally in capsules, for about a week before up to and during TOM, or you can use maca root powder in smoothies, or there are some yogi teas that help with it...they help with pms too...

good luck!

kelly
imaskinnymini.blogspot.com

Southern Belle said...

I totally forgot about the "tip" that Jenny posted...it really does work believe it or not...my "friend" told me the same thing...

Kristin said...

How can I be 37 years old and never have heard of Jenny's tip? THIS IS VALUABLE INFORMATION. I'll have to give it a try. Good luck, Drazilly. We love you, girl. Just keep the darts pointed elsewhere.

THE DASH! said...

Jayzus woman! You didn't half give me a heart attack when I read your post title. I thought: something cataclysmic had happened.. or you just hated our guts (you found us all out at last! lol) but no.....

I do feel for you though. TTOTM SUCKS!!!! When you get home, hit the heat pack. Hope it goes soon.

Girl Bandit said...

Poor you....but are you really aiming tacks????Seriously....????

Nikki said...

This made me happy...I needed this! I am feeling the same way...I dont think there are enough narcotics in the WORLD to make my cramps go away...

I hope you hit a few of em with your butt darts for me....I was there in spirit...really...I was.

I see why everyone is talking about ya now...you're a RIOT. I love it! :) I am hopping on the wagon and following ya...