Friday, March 5, 2010


Though you may not know it – I’m a worry wart by nature. I think it comes from my OCD perfectionist personality and my control issues. If I don’t know where everything is all the time and what’s going on – I’m scared. I suppose that comes from my childhood when I couldn’t control anything – and I was scared a lot. In my quest to get rid of my inner demons and Drazil, I am trying to change that. I am trying to worry less and live in the moment more. Yet at night – my subconscious takes over. I dream. Well, scratch that – I have nightmares. When I dream it’s always bad because I think all my fears I shove away successfully all day come out at night when I can’t stop them. And though I kick my husband in the shins for not eating enough chips and I slap him for swearing he hasn’t had “dessert” in weeks when it’s only been days……he is the air I breathe. Without him, I am not me. He is the half that makes me whole.

Last night I dreamed he started a relationship with another woman. The worst part is that it wasn’t sexual. He was talking to her, confiding in her, calling her, needing her. And I couldn’t make him re-love me like he used to. It’s one of those dreams where you wake up and I could still feel my heart hurting with the pain of the dream had it been true. Ack. Terrible.

Where is this stemming from? My husband leaving me or not loving isn’t a fear I harbor. Crazy as it sounds coming from a fear whore – his love is one thing I have always been sure of. So I woke up not only hurt, but confused.

Consequently I stopped that dream and had another. This time I was in a relationship with my boss. Um – what the holy hell? Payback to the hubby I guess. If he’s going to dream-cheat – so can I. So odd.

I wish I was a dream interpreter. Wouldn’t that be interesting?

On the diet front….the hubby and I are both down another ½ lb today. I ended the day at 900-some calories and didn’t even work out. I don’t quite understand how I’m not starving on this many cals. I suppose it means I have successfully shrunk my stomach to accommodate less food since January 1st.

I also think it’s because I’m overly busy at work and when I’m busy I literally forget to eat or drink. I focus. So I eat very little all day and then go home and eat a big supper and I’m full….and under cals. I’ll try to get to at least 1200 today but it’ll be tough since today is no meat day (Lent) and we’re having low cal soups. I also have plans to work out so we’ll see how it goes.

Two pounds to go until I meet my March goal – 163 and holding today. Big NSV – I put on my size 7 Levi’s today and I’m wearing them to work and I can still breathe. Sheniqua is hanging out all over the place like the whore that she is but I’ll let her have today….soon she’ll be nonexistent you know?

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣


LDswims said...

The dreams sound crazy. I always think dreams talk to me - but I rarely remember mine. When I do...well...they are generally profound. I bought a couple of books on dream interpretation and it's always interesting to see what is associated with what. Like your husband cheating on you. Rarely has anything to do with your husband - he's a symbol for something important to you - but the dream isn't about him, per se. The cheating could actually be about your own self-esteem. Conversely, cheating on your husband could be in regards to self-guilt or self-betrayal. What does Drazil want you to do that you aren't doing? Or vice versa.

Dreams are funny stuff...but I do think they are a way for our subconscious minds to talk to our conscious minds. And if you pay attention to the message, there's generally wise stuff in there.

There are some decent online dictionaries you can use if you want. Take it all with a grain of salt, obviously, but in general, it gets me thinking about what each element of the dream might represent in my own situation.

Kathi said...

I had to go pee before I wet, while reading your comment about Sheniqua....and she will be gone soon! banish the whore! LOL, having tomato soup myself today for lent, have a great weekend.