Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Gerbil voodoo and a bunch of other blarney...

♣♣ Happy Green Day my little whore cupcakes! ♣♣

There’s nothing like being called a whore first thing in the morning is there? I’m like the Mama Pimp (with a scaly lizard on my shoulder) – and you’re all my whores. I own you. Follow my blog and love it and comment incessantly or I get 100% of your day’s take. Muuuuuwwaahhhhh!

I know some of you may wonder if I’m drunk 24/7 by the content of my blog…um nope – not even green beer for me today. Get this – here’s a shocker – I’ve NEVER been drunk in my entire life. No big reason….it’s just that I’m 99% crazy without liquor…I’m not sure anyone could handle me at 100%. I think I don’t trust myself….I’m convinced that if I was drunk I’d be “that girl” everyone hates. The one who can’t stand up and cries incessantly while her titties hang out….you know….”that girl”.

I’m back to “listing” instead of paragraphing. I admitted before I was a list whore but the truth is I’m a full blown list slut. I can’t get enough of them….they’re so perty and organized….have I ever mentioned my favorite store is Staples? I’m not kidding. (It’s Jenny’s favorite too - so there.)

1. I want to let it be known I have offered up a “whore” to my husband. He routinely kids me about doing things in the magic room that I do not want to do. I have now told him I will hire him a whore he can do that stuff to and all will be well. He refused. Let it be known – I offered – he refused. It is documented.

2. This whole hair thing has invaded my life. Why the hell is there hair on my toes? Honestly WHAT is the purpose of hair there except to remind me I originated from apes? It’s like the hairless crack Amy W. wants so badly…..why is there even hair on azzes to begin with? Because if I was ever caught in Alaska naked, it’s a protective warming mechanism God built in. Um no thanks – put some hair around my valuable organs (like my heart you know) if I’m ever in that situation not on my ASS. (And I’m sorry but did you all see Amy W’s comment about WHY she wants a hairless crack? Shameful. Purely shameful.)

3. Southern Belle has volunteered to dye her Candy area blue. She promised pictures. (Okay – I made that last part up.)

4. To my new followers – I am sorry about the vulgarity that is me. Drazil makes me do it and Sheniqua stands in the corner swinging her fat azz hips yelling “Gimme a D, gimme an R, gimme an A….etc” – she instigates him. I’m not vulgar in real life. In fact, people think I’m shy and a goodie two shoes. Boy do I have them fooled. This blog is my dark side coming out. It matches my leather.

5. Some people have called me high maintenance – what with my extra heapings of bling, my long fake nails, my color coded socks to my outfit to my skivvies….NOW I’m afraid they are right after this week’s discussion. Pink dye, heart templates….JESUS…next thing you know I’ll be bedazzling Candy. Sick I tell you…sick.

6. I get addicted to words. Remember when I used plethora in just about every blog for a week cuz it made me sound smart? And now I’m hooked on whore? Well I found a new one. My husband gave it to me. He says when he has to talk a prisoner down and is successful at it – they all call it using “verbal voodoo”. To be smartazzes they all now call it “gerbil voodoo”. Gerbil voodoo. I have no idea why that’s even funny but every time I say it or see it I bust a gut. You should too. That was your cue to laugh. Do it now or I shall work my own gerbil voodoo on you….I’m not kidding.

7. As part of my ongoing quest to prove I have a brain – I was wondering - since I see so many of you do it….does anyone want to know what I shove in my mouth every day? Or how about a post on my tummy tuck? Anyone interested in that? I don’t know – I should do something of merit I think to prove my worthiness right? I promise this vulgarity will pass (like Explosive Man’s turds)…it’s just that I’m not allowed to weigh myself so I’m focusing on all things nasty right now to distract myself.

8. OMG – I can’t believe I forgot to tell you all this. Please – if you love me at all – please lie and tell me your mother does this to you and that it’s completely normal. My mom watched my girls for ONE hour. That’s it – 60 minutes only. Great. She went outside and cleared some weeds from winter and made cookies too – she’s freaking Betty Crocker with a little Wonder Woman mixed in. She leaves. Guess what I find in the chair by the large once-finger-printed bay window? Windex and a cloth. YIKES. Where did that come from? I surely didn’t put it there – I didn’t know we had Windex. In 60 short minutes she found the need to clean my windows. Now that means A) she thinks I’m a horrible housekeeper who can’t keep my house clean or B) she’s just trying to help her daughter who works full time plus two part time jobs. Just three months ago – I’d have thought A and been hurt, resentful and pissed. Today – I choose B. Just cuz I can. Just cuz I want to. And damn girls – my window got washed for free!

9. Anyone remember that movie with Sylvester Stallone and Sandra Bullock where the world is run by technology and they want to have sex with each other so they put on virtual head thingy-s and sit down and by putting on the head things they “feel and see” like they are having sex….the whole point is no bodily fluid exchange which is banned in this time era in this movie. Anywho – my point is – I want one of those for pizzas and rainbow Skittle bathing. Can you imagine? A head piece thingy that makes you feel like you’re eating pizza, chewing it, swallowing it, one piece after another, rolling in it….oh crap…went too far didn’t I? And bathing in Skittles – come on – I’d wear that head thing all day if that were the case….but you can bet your sweet azz I wouldn’t be in that bathtub alone! Virtual pizza head thingy – I’m gonna be a millionaire.

10. I ended yesterday at 718 calories. Treadmill 41 minutes. 36g of sugar (30g is the goal). I figured out I need to go about 2.2 miles every day for the rest of this month to meet my 60 mile goal. Ugh. Was I high when I set that goal? *sigh*

What a bunch of blarney this was huh? ♣♣♣♣

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣


LDswims said...

I think it's so cool that, it seems to me, anyway, your brain seems to function like mine...but you let it out...and I just laugh to myself and don't let anyone know what's so funny. :)

My sweet hubby is a little more in the loop than most...and he generally laughs, too. Maybe one week, I'll try to Drazil blog approach and show it all. But I'm not really interested. Yours is the best!

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

My mom and adopted mom (I live far away from mom) always do that. Always. The move my furniture and vacuum under things. Dust. (hahahahaha) Do craft projects, and bake. I don't have the energy to be offended anymore. I'm too tired.

Drazil said...

Oh thank you JourneyBeyondSurvival - I seriously feel better now....I was getting a complex.
LDswims - girl let it out - I don't want to be crazy all alone!

Caitlin said...

You are my new best friend. No seriously, I'm adopting you..

I list things way too often, to the point it drives my fiance crazy. I have lists galore in my documents, and in every notebook around the house.

Also, Staples? It's like love in a building. Along with office depot, but I think Staples has a bigger variety.

Jenny said...

I think your mom is just being nice. I used to get worried about that, but who the heck has the time!

Rebekah said...

Yes Yes!! I want a TT and Breast Reduction post--the whole low down. AND I want to hear how you lost 70 pounds in the first place! Yah, my MOTHER IN LAW does that!!!!!!!!! Ticks me off to no end! I never say Thanks. I should get over it, but I can't.

Jess said...

Gosh you crack me up!

I gave you an award! (see my post today)

FollowMeDown30 said...

Sure give us the dirty low down on your tummy tuck. I usually only care what you're eating if it's A. Fabulous & B. Five Ingredients or less.

My mother nags me to clean by phone. Like she can see the laundry. Gah! So yes-you are not alone.

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

My mom and a few boyfriends I have always clean up something. i am not a domestic diva, just a plain ole diva! I used to get upset and then go on cleaning binges. It passed and now I appreciate all the help i can get :)

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

Wow, Drazil, you have a lot to say!! Quite entertaining. Your stats are impressive: 200 profile view, 109+1 (me) followers.

We like you; we really like you!

Thanks for clueing me in. I think that's a word, but it doesn't look like one.

kagead said...

My mother will not do any of those things, but she will give me $$ and tell me to hire someone to do them for me! :)

No, she is not wealthy, but she is the anti-domestic goddess and for her, housey things= money well spent.