Thursday, March 18, 2010

He bursteth my bubbleth…man talk amuck!

Drazil is in the corner wailing. He’s in that corner a lot lately huh? Wanna know why? Mmmmkay I’ll tell you. My husband burst my bubble last night. Now let’s suffice it to say my man knows nothing of this blogging world. It’s probably even safer to say he doesn’t give a rat’s azz. He knows I’ve been laughing way too much over FUPAs and hairless butt crack missions but that’s beside the point. I say to him, “Honey, guess how many followers I have?” He says, “Um 100.” I say, “Yup – isn’t that kinda fun?” He says to me, “Yah but what does that really mean? I mean I doubt if all those people really read what you say right? I mean who has time for that?” I don’t think he was being mean – I think his teeny brain just can’t fathom 10 people listening to me when he has so much trouble doing it himself – much less 100. Peckerhead – he ruined my party.

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For some insane reason, my husband has reverted to quoting Austin Powers obsessively – but only one word. Remember the lady named “Allotta Fahgina”? Yup – this morning for example – he wakes up – still in bed in the dark while I’m getting dressed and he seriously asks me an eye insurance question. I answer. Then I say, “Do you always wake up thinking about insurance? Aren’t you supposed to wake up thinking about how much you love your wife?” He says, “I do…and her Fah-gina.” Now – I don’t want to laugh but when you say that word like that and you emphasize the F…..okay, fine….I’m an idiot. It was funny.

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I would also like to point out my man is blind…..or maybe more accurately blinded by the fah-gina. Have any of you ever seen the swimwear catalog by Venus? Cute unique suits – and every woman in them is gorgeous and weighs 100 lbs. He looks through this book and picks out which ones would look “killer” on me. Yah – like “kill-er” any human who dares to look at me if I were to wear one. I don’t think he’s literally aware I have Sheniqua. I’m not kidding – I seriously think he sees me as a size 0 and has blinders to every stretch mark and plastic surgery scar I own. Does he love me that much…or is it simply the lure of the now smooth fah-gina? You know those guys who dress up like huge hot dogs at baseball games? I think that’s how my husband sees me – but as a walking huge fah-gina….with no fat. I want to live in his world. It must be nice there.

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All this before freaking 7am. I’m not sure how I get through a whole day. Right before I left I pointed out to him I finished the work from my 2nd PT job and he needed to run some errands for me. His response was, “Sweetie – you keep it up and you’re working yourself right into getting an “attaboy” before 8am.” WOW! Me? An “attaboy”? For the love of God.

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He’s in the shower and I say, “See you later, baby.” He says, “Okay baby doll.” I say, “That’s it. No you’re going to miss me terribly and you love me more than the air you breathe?” He says, “Yah, totally – what you said – but double it.” I threw the cat in the shower and ran out of the house listening to him scream in horror. Double that smartazz. I was feeling guilty about combing Candy with his toothbrush….not anymore.

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Lastly – not about the man but funny just the same. My two new favorite past-times? Ever seen The People of Walmart website? It’s a website pictures people snap of real people in real Walmarts. It’s so good for a laugh. Mostly I check it to make sure I’m not featured on it but so far it’s all good. Can you imagine seeing yourself on there? Now I find myself looking for my own “people” and last night I found one. No lie. A lady I saw had on pink crocs (with fur inside), a neon green t-shirt, brown dressy capris and a camo sweatshirt over it. I tried not to stare. Yes, fine…I admit it….Satan is my brother.

And second – postsecret.com. That’s the website where people write things on postcards they would NEVER admit to anyone and send it in to this site – of course – anonymously. Some good ones yesterday – like the chick who wrote she found naked pictures of her boss on a computer and she downloaded them all and has great joy knowing she could destroy her at any minute. Evil – yes. I can’t help it – it’s my dark side showing it’s colors again. Drazil loves it – he sits on my shoulder wringing his little hands in pleasure at other people’s misery. I’ve really got to get rid of him.

Anyway – check out the sites – they’re good for a laugh…….and they feed your inner demon you won’t admit you have…….muuuuuwaaahhhhh!





♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

19 comments:

Jen said...

Hubs sounds great... but he is wrong... we do read your blog! We should all comment one day to prove him wrong.

Love the cat trick.

THE DASH! said...

The way your mind works girl - like you're on a super dose of speed lol. Love it!!!

All husbands should be like yours.. he sounds gorgeous!!

PS I read your post word for word.. want a quote?

Gen said...

I am racing to the Walmart People site right now. This week when I was there I saw a guy wearing a black T-shirt with a giant pair of dice on it that said "Blow Me For Luck." I should have snapped a picture!

Carmen said...

my bf quotes austin powers too...he does the "fook mi? fook you!" routine at least twice a day...so that's at least twice a day i roll my eyes at him lol

and those are 2 of my favorite sites to visit...also Texts From Last Night...all drunk texts! hysterical

Kim said...

I read your blog so tell your husband to piss off!! :)

I go to people of walmart everyday! I love that site. Whenever I am in Walmart I am always on the look out for someone I can put on there!

Amy W. said...

Tracey doesnt get blogging either. Neither does my family. You think they would be DYING to read what I write but...no one seems to care.

sigh.

I love postsecret! It is pretty funny!

Oh the buttcrack. I thought of Jennifer and her magic powder today in the shower. I hope she appreciates that.

have you bought the powder yet? I would like you to review it...although I think you tend to exaggerate just a smidge...

hahahah

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

I am so going to check out thoses sites! Where I live Walmart is like a circus show! Its realy unbelievable. I am such a people watchers and when my kids are with the rents sometimes I just head down to the mall for shits and giggles. And good job with the husband and cat! lmao.

tessierose said...

If I could drink a glass of wine on the bench at Walmart, I would never need Television again.

Drazil said...

Ha - you guys are hilarious!
Miss Amy - I am buying the powder tomorrow - the hubby wants it for his head and Jenny says he could do his head 10x for the whole bottle. Does Tracey shave his head too? Mine does and it takes him forever! YES - I shall buy it and try it for my own butt crack and review and try not to exaggerate. LOL I gotta wait for some grow-back - remember - I'm smooth as a baby's butt right now!

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

You are too funny! I swear every time I read about your husband, I think he & mine may be twins separated at birth or something, lol.

People of Walmart is so funny... I've actually thought about plugging the computer into the big flat screen so we could all get a better look. It could be the entertainment portion of the evening for our weekly dinner with friends. :)

Jennifer said...

My hubby doesn't get it either.
But he did read the ones yesterday and got quite a kick out of the comments.
Tell the hubs to suck it, you are a blog star! You say everthing we WISH we could say.

Em said...

But feeding the inner demon every once in a while is what makes life fun!!

I do love the fact that your threw the cat in the shower with him. That's AWESOME!

Gilly said...

You tell Hubs that I hang on your every word!

BEE said...

oh my hubsterz cant imagine people listen to what i have to say either
they are peckerheads sometimes arent they
ialso love the people of walmart lol
havta check out the other site now

LDswims said...

My sweet hubby is the exact opposite. He hangs on my every word and can't wait for me to publish my blogs before he's out there reading them himself.

HAHAHAHA!!!!

Tell your hubs he doesn't know what he's missing...unless he likes cats in the shower....gotta cat that can swim with him...that's fun....involves cats flying into the pool...they love that, too!

Helen said...

Mr. Helen knows I read blogs but doesn't know I have one. Can't let him know just yet as I'm enjoying my freedom too much. He always wants me to wear teeny tiny bikinis too. I finally decided I was gonna stop pointing out the flab and go with it - at least in the Caribbean where nobody knows my name.

lindsey said...

tell him were all reading!!!!

Sandy Lee said...

So everytime I see a post I swear (yes I really swear) I will not read it and cascade into the toilet humour. But I guess that little Drazil calls me and I start the first paragraph--and then I swear I will stop but I don't. Then I get to the end of every post and I have tears of laughter streaming down my face. OMG it's my hit of the day. Better than a glass of wine (which I have not had for 4 days! Wait til Friday). Feels more like 4 shots of espresso first thing in the morning.

Just wanted to say, I'm glad I am one of your hundred + followers even if the man doesn't see it.

And on another thought maybe you could dress in the most outrageous outfit just to see if you could get posted on the People of Walmart website.

Kristin said...

Hey there, long time no comment from me!

No, I'm not stalking you, I just have time to catch up on my favorite blogs since my baby woke up at 6 am. After my mother-in-law's dog woke me up at 3 am to pee. And the Hubs and boys are still sleeping, little monsters.

Anyway, LOVE the people of Wal-Mart site. Also love: textsfromlastnight.com and lamebook.com

I can waste HOURS reading those.