Monday, March 8, 2010

Holy shin splints Batman....and another Eckhart epiphany!

OMHH! That’s Oh My Holy Hell….my shins hurt soooo bad. My hubby and I walked 4 miles around town on blacktop and up hills and my shins are so killing me today because of it. This happens every year when I start walking outside….I’m so prone to them. I’ve got on knee-high high-heeled boots today and with every step I wanna scream FOR THE LOVE OF PETE someone cut my legs off NOW!


*sigh*

No workout tonight – I have to let my shins heal…unless I do the torturous elliptical which I swear was invented by Satan himself. God I hate that thing. My hubby burned over 500 calories in ½ hour last night on the evil machine. I don’t know how he doesn’t die from over-exertion. I passed out from exhaustion just watching him. Can you imagine actually doing it? Could be I hate it cuz it seems like when I’m on there Drazil sits his skinny azz on the edge filing his scales taunting, “You’re never gonna finish this, you’ll give up, I give you 5 minutes tops.” I think I shall accidentally flick him from his perch if I try it tonight.

I’ve been reading more Eckhart this weekend since it’s part of my March goal. Man, that book so gets to me. A lot of you commented about me saying that the book said “the thing you react to most in others is most likely in you”. I know – that’s just wrong isn’t it? I mean I hate Martha Stewart because she farts rose petals and has matching napkins at her dinner table – what does that have to do with me?

I kept reading and last night I understood a bit more. It’s all about my ego – the subject of the whole book. My ego reacts to MS because I am making MS and her identity all about her color-coded napkins and matching underwear and expensive wine. I am making that her….instead of realizing those things about her are only HER ego working to outdo mine. That isn’t who she is. Under all the things I can’t stand about her is a person – with a heart and feelings and pain – just like me – but I equate MS with her ego, not MS as a person. She isn’t those things I hate. I keep making it personal. I keep resisting her ego….and Eckhart says what you resist persists. (That’s profound on it’s own…..what you resist, persists.)

I give her ego more reason to look down on me and appear better than me because I react strongly to it thereby giving that part of her ego even more power. If I looked beyond her ego – I’d see nothing but who she really is and I wouldn’t react strongly at all – I’d probably react with compassion……and the truth is beyond her ego persona - I actually like her. I really like her. She has her own reasons for creating an ego of power and Martha-Stewart-ness but it’s all a façade. Just like mine…if I’d admit that.

My ego does too much, takes on too much, is perfect, is OCD about controlling things, worries too much, loves too little, and forgets to live in the moment and rarely sits in quiet to find the real me, my real Being under my ego. I run around strengthening my ego every day….so I can be better than and more than someone else. But awareness is power says Eckhart, and the first step to getting your ego under control is realizing it’s controlling you, what you say, what you do, how you react and why.

So today I’m trying to be aware….really aware of what I say, do and think….and why. I mean, Drazil is a teeny tiny lizard yet I give him the power of a dragon. Why? So I don’t get forgotten? So I can feel successful? So I can feel worthy? So I can get attention for my past demons and sorrows? So I can feel power by holding on to a grudge? So I can use my past hurts as my identity? Just why? All difficult questions but ones I’m finally going to face. Maybe at some point I’ll be able to even see that Drazil is more than a slimy scaly lizard….I’m sure he has a heart in there somewhere……..or maybe not.



♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪
♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

5 comments:

LDswims said...

Awareness is good. Awareness is hard.

I think Drazil does have a heart. He wouldn't taunt you or tempt you if he didn't think you were capable of the opposite. As part of your awareness, why not try to embrace Drazil instead of fight him?

Just a thought...cause the Drazil you depict is actually kind of cute and nice. :) (lol, which is not to say you aren't...)

Dinnerland said...

Thanks for all the support on my blog... some good comments above from LD!

Tami said...

Sorry about the shin splints, hope they heal up quickly! Elliptical machines were put on earth to torture the chubby and uncoordinated. I always feel like I'm walking on a cloud and totally unstable on one.
Thanks for following my blog, looking forward to catching up on yours!

Lap Band Gal said...

Thanks for visiting my blog, I will follow u too!

Jenny said...

Shin splints stink! Maybe you can get some insoles for your shoes?

Being aware is hard....I couldn't really get into that book....maybe I'll pick it up again.

Is it wrong for me to hate your DH that he is having such an easy time with the plan???? lol