Thursday, March 18, 2010

I think instead of “The People of Walmart”……

….it should be “What’s in your cart at Walmart?” Walmart makes me a liar like water makes Amy fat.

For the love of Pete – whyyyyyyy on God’s green Earth does every saint I know have to shop in Walmart on the day I am re-stocking all my non-saintly items? My shopping cart is proof positive that nothing about me is what you thought it was. Now yes, I’m giving multiple examples….but I swear I run into one or two of these people EVERY TIME.

For starters. We begin in the hair aisle. (WHAT IS UP WITH ME AND HAIR LATELY?) This time I’m trying to get MORE hair though, not less. So yah – Miss I Could be a Dallas Cowboy hair-whipping cheerleader – that IS intensifying volume shampoo, conditioner and hairspray in my cart. And yes wench that is my cover all your greys hair color. Yes everything about my hair sucks on its own. Move along whore.

Oh yah – right next to that – the beloved tampon and pantyliner aisle. Is it just me or does anyone else pretend like they’re not going to turn into that aisle and then sneakily turn the corner like a Nascar driver and go right to the brand you always buy cuz God forbid we linger in that aisle? And as soon as I come out – yup – there stands my husband’s brother. Yes – azzhole – those are my super large fah-gina soakers….oh yah, your brother is a lucky man…bet you wish you were him. Move along jerk….lest I stick a pantyliner to your freaking forehead.

Old boyfriend I haven’t seen since high school – always on the day I buy Vagisil. I have crabs. Keep moving. Avert your eyes.....keep pretending you don't know me.  Peckerhead.

Or it’s the mother-in-law I bump into……that K-Y gel? Oh that’s not for ME and YOUR SON (it’s for me and my boyfriend dammit). It must have fell in my cart. I don’t know how it got in there….cuz yah, me and your son don’t ever have sex. Nu-uh. He’s too busy showering with cats.

Size two frenemy who I lied to and said I stopped eating sugar catches me in Aisle 9 with a package of every kind of M&M known to man. I tell her I’m making a craft project for my daughter’s class that requires multiple colored M&Ms. Thank God I saw her before she saw me so I could shove the open bag into my purse. Watch me get picked up for shoplifting freaking M&Ms. Move on skinny heifer. Sheniqua will kick your ass.

My organic eating all natural love the world doctor is in Aisle 3. Yup – I swore on my last visit I don’t drink or partake of any caffeine. The 3 cases of Mountain Dew in my cart are for the kids (cuz I’m a good mom) and that whiskey…oh I just want the bottle for another craft project. I plan to dump out the whiskey…..(um, down my throat).

Frenemy #2 who can’t stop herself from telling me she’s a size 2 and is dying to know what I weigh after I told her I wear size 5s just to shut her up suddenly shows up. Why the holy hell are the tags so big on pants these days? I mean she could have seen I bought a pair of size 9s from the damn parking lot outside. Move it tart or I’ll run you down with this cart of lies.

Enter the sitter’s husband who has never sworn, raised his voice, drank or so much as had a bad thought in his life. He appears right after I pick up the new Redbook with a cover line that screams “How to have multiple orgasms in 5 minutes”. OMG – I didn’t buy it for that article. I swear to God – there’s a craft project inside I wanted. Get me out of here before lightening strikes.

Oh hello my elderly saint of a neighbor man. Does that laxative work I have in my cart? Oh I don’t know – that’s not mine. I’m not constipated. You and your creepy wife scare the shit out of me every day. I use this to put in my husband’s potatoes when he pisses me off. Watch out old man – you’re next on my list. And yah those hemorrhoid pads – not mine either. Well they’re mine – but I use them for air fresheners….I just love the medicinal smell they have don’t you?

Ah and here comes my Aunt marching her way towards me because she spotted me in the Pharmacy. Why yes, dear holier than thou Aunt who doesn’t believe in modern medicine and wants to heal me with her herbs and chakra and soy milk – THOSE are my anti-crazy pills. Now let me have them before I go psycho on your azz. In fact, I’d run if I were you…one of the side effects of these horrible drugs is spontaneously killing Aunts. Yup – says so on the label.

THIS, my blogger friends, is why I’m scared to go to Walgreen’s and buy MSP (magic shave powder) so I can do a butt-crack hair-removal review for Amy that I promised. Thank God my husband has a bald head and I can tell everyone I bump into that the MSP is NOT for my whootananny. Now the pink hair dye? What am I gonna say that’s for girls? Southern Belle – THIS was your idea. I’m gonna tell ‘em it’s for you and then give them your address and phone number. I’d bet my left boob my priest is hiding in the aisle waiting to douse me with holy water. Ugh.

The moral of my story today you ask? When you go to Walmart to restock unsaintly items – go buy a HUGE t-shirt first………the bigger the better. Everything unsaintly you buy goes under the shirt until checkout. Problem solved.

Oh holy shit – WHEN DID MY NIECE BECOME A CHECKOUT GIRL HERE??????????? For the love of all that is holy………

Can’t a bad girl catch a good break once in a while? *sigh*

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣


JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

Oh my goodness. I forgot that this was all real. Because I block it out with my THIS-IS-NOT-REAL self hypnosis that works a little too well.

Drive six hours away. It will be worth it.

Better yet, order it online. Then you have two special things to look for. Ask Kat about it.

Katie J said...

LMFAO!! You are a riot!!! You are our test victim. We are waiting with baited breath!

Barbara said...

OMG.. I have not laughed so hard in a long time. this post is an absolute gem..
You've outdone me in the bump into department, but I live in skinny bitchville too and always get those snears if I even walk down cookie, chip or ice cream isle.

Under the breath I hear.. we don't eat that" claims as these skinny bitches and their stick children hold onto their carrott sticks like they were gold.

But I gotta say the tampon aisle was my favorite..
You made my day....

BEE said...

love this post

Rebekah said...

HHHHAAAAHAHAHAHA!! And by the way--your hubby is just jealous that HE doesn't have a blog--OR 100 followers! We DO TOO read your blog!

amandakiska said...

That's why I shop at Target.

Sandy Lee said...

OMG-you get to buy booze at the Walmart! How cool! We in Ontario have to go to a special store for our spirits. But we meet all our best friends there too. And oh, no, these twelve bottles of wine I buy each week aren't just for me.

Maybe you can find a 24 hours Walmart (we have those) and go in the wee hours of the morning. Bet you'll see some real yahoos then!

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Lovey that is whyalot of my naughty things I buy online from or what ever specialty things I need. LOL! Besides I used Kool Aid to dye my there was never any questions...hehe

THE DASH! said...

Amen! Glad we don't have Walmart in Perth (or even in Australia) I would bump into every bugger down every aisle. Great post!!

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

Oh, how I do hate running into all of those people at the Walmart! A perfect articulation of annoyance.

Southern Belle said...

You are so funny! Seriously crackin me up! That is why Walmart is bad, you have to do like I do and shop all the sale papers and then strategically plan your shopping trips to get the best "deals" then you don't get caught with the "cart of shame" Also I am avoiding the pink hair dye buying..I am going with the kool aid idea...I am wondering if Crystal Light will work..hmm...

Annie, The Amazing Shrinking Girl said...

Holy crap that's some of the funnies stuff I've read in a long time!


Kristin said...

Awesome post, you really made me laugh.

I live in fear of running into my surgeon when I'm eating something horrible and my MIL when I've got the KY in my hand at CVS!

BanderificBeauty said...

That is EXACTLY why I avoid Walmart at all costs!! I can go in there for a gallon of milk which should take 10 minutes tops if I do a little peeking at clothes while Im in there ;) I end up spending almost an hour everytime just talking to everyone who HAS to come up to you to see how your weight loss is going. (I live in a pretty small town (especially when college is out) so I know alot of people) When I go to walmart it is always for my unmentionable items. UGH And that reeses egg at the bottom was hidden there by the Easter Bunny!!!