Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Keep making Sheniqua’s funeral plans….but cancel mine.

Depending on how you feel about me and my multiple personalities – you’ll be happy (or unhappy) to know I survived yesterday. My legs didn’t fall off. I didn’t hemorrhage to death and most of the card carrying members of the Penises R Us group are still alive. True – some have welts on their asses from my butt darts but still – they’re alive. I never guaranteed anything more than that.

Life is good again. I have successfully walked past about 3 people already today without purposely tripping them. It’s gonna be a good day.

I ended the day under calories (which can I just say deserves a freaking cupcake in itself since it was AF day) and I even walked 4 miles with the hubby though Drazil was screaming at me to stay home and crawl under a blanket and pretend I was dead. Drazil hates walking – his little legs tire after a few steps…which is why he sits on my shoulder….duh.

Someone told me yesterday I’m looking thinner – which I find intensely funny because the person who told me this weighs exactly the same as me. I am constantly fascinated by how every single person carries weight so differently. It seriously boggles my mind. I am not thin – especially for my height. By those freaking charts that are freakishly wrong (I have no idea why I even look at them) I should be 130 lbs or less. Um yah. My left leg weighs 120 lbs on it’s own….which leaves 10 lbs for the rest of me and my ego alone weighs that. It ain’t gonna happen. Evah! I’d look like a 10 year old with a helluva rack and a c-sec scar. People would be confused. But I remember another girl once finding out I weighed 160 some pounds and so did she and she was all “why do you look like that and I look like this?” Well dear – because I took classes on how to successfully hide Sheniqua and her friends and I own stock in Spanx. Wake up and smell reality. I have rolls too – I’m just wearing them without butter today.

Anywhoozle (stolen from Amy W) – yesterday I was one big fine ball of whining and crying and today – um – not so much. Today I’m walking on water. I’m taking what my Eckhart book says to heart and literally living in the moment. I’m at work – and for once – not thinking about “when will it be 4pm?” Because now is now and now is great and if I think about 4pm – I lose right now. And now is good. I have a great stable job and so does my hubby. I’ve been on plan (diet and exercise) for days now. I’ve been whipping out training on my 3rd job like nobody’s business. I’m smiling more and loving more and giving of me more. When there’s less physical Sheniqua of me – I give more mental parts of me to others. Funny how that works. I have a financial plan that’s working and binders and lists amuck - which all make me feel better than a teenager who just had sex for the 12th time in a day. Life is good. All around. (Not as good as that teenager’s life but still – pretty good.)

And yes – for my perverted naughty followers who need your daily fix – I was talking about me. Oh to be young again.

And double yes – my followers – I am completely aware that now that I have made you all roll your eyes with the whole “I’m so happy I’m back to farting rainbows and gumdrops” thing that it is Murphy’s Law that one of the cars will die, a meteor will hit my house and I will be stricken with boils that cover my entire body and I will instantly gain 10 lbs. Yah I get that. Bring it on. Um hellooooooo? Mama Pimps aren’t afraid of anything.

Well except putting crème on whootanannys. But who isn’t right?

Oh p.s. – tonight we try the bald head crème on the hubby. Won’t that be fun? Don’t you all want to be me? Too bad – not everyone can be the Pimp – somebody has to be the ho you know? This operation has got to make money somehow. I have a Twinkie addiction I have to feed. Now get back on the streets……….and have a Martha Stewart kind of day lovies!





♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

15 comments:

LauraLynne said...

Welcome Back to the land of non-bleeding!

Corletta said...

Sounds like you are driven and ready to meet your goals. By the way, there is no reason that bad has to come your way. You just stay positive mama!

DawnB said...

So glad you're back among the living...by the way ...your thumbtacks did the trick for me..No More Grumpies!!!

LDswims said...

I'd leave a comment but I'm too busy working the streets...

Jenny said...

Can't wait for your review of the product! Don't kill too many of the men we may need them for something eventually-on second thought go ahead!!

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

You are allowed one day to fart rainbows and gumdrops. Do you sing the Barney song? "If all the farts were rainbows and gumdrops?"

But only one. That would get messy. Besides after hemorrhaging you're likely to be a little delirious.

Jennifer said...

I'm happy you lived through the one day of AF. Can you tell I'm bitter? hahaha!
Love you! :)

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Yay I can't wait to hear your review. Glad you survived!

Rebekah said...

Haha! I've been awol for awhile! Great to read your posts again!! Go 'head wit yo bad self, mama pimp!

brattypants said...

Ok - officially my first comment. I found your blog a few days ago but didn't want to say anything until I knew everything there was to know - in other words, I was reading way too much to spend time on typing!

Girl, you are hilarious, you rock my world and have made me laugh more in 3 days than I ever have before!

So, just wanted to say hello, I'm sure you'll be seeing a lot more of me now.

BTW - I love that you fart rainbows and gumdrops - it makes me jealous, lol

Dinnerland said...

Glad you're feeling better... death is so '87, ya know?

Tricia said...

new here and lovin it!

Katie J said...

I think you are one of the funniest bloggers I have EVER read! OMG people are looking at me in my office thinking I am nuts. Thanks for keeping it real and talking about the stuff I am afraid to talk about but think about.

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

Glad to see you survived! Life would be sooooo boring without you. :)

Kristin said...

You have 134 followers! OMG, you are practically famous. Can I say I knew you when? Even though I don't know anything, even your name?