Friday, March 12, 2010

A little Dr. Seuss from the poop factory...

1. First of all I want to say I’m wearing a shirt that is too tight and pants that create a muffin top. It is fugly. The whole time I’m doing my hair this morning I see Amy W. shaking her finger at me saying “Just because it fits doesn’t mean you should wear it.” Thank you Amy W. for taking up residence in my mirror. Too bad I didn’t listen. Sheniqua is hanging out all over the place like the whore she is. Forgive me Amy.

2. Sometimes I do things just to see if I can get away with them. Today I am wearing a thong. It is a hateful thong – too big – feels horrible – ack. Mixed with my too tight clothes it’s just too much. It has put me over the edge. So what did I do? I kid you not. I shoved a scissors down my pants (very carefully) and cut them and then pulled them up through like a fisherman pulling up his biggest catch. I threw them in my garbage. Can you imagine the look on the janitor’s face when he sees thongs in the wastebasket – much less ones cut in half? Oh the stories he’ll concoct in his little bald head. Next time I see him in person I’m going to wink at him.

3. My honeymoon is officially over. Last night I was sniffing and said “my nose won’t quit running”. My man says “well you have long nails….dig in there and get that little prick out.” I nearly lost it. I’m not kidding. I’m laying in bed laughing so hard I have tears. My husband just called a booger of mine a little prick. Next we’ll name it. Me, Drazil, Sheniqua AND Frank. What the holy hell? And then the real kicker. (Vanessa (Dinnerland) – this one’s for you.) We have graduated from “Would you like me to screw you?” to “Want me to give you the big OhOhOhMyGod tonight?” Um yah – not after we’ve named my booger. God help me. Seriously – where’s the damn Calgon?

4. Miss J – aka BFF – aka Jen’s Lap Band Journey – called me last night. The reason she called I swear is so she could hear me say “shart” in real life. OMG – we laughed our asses off on the phone….and then discussed the big weiner mobile. Life is funny – it feels so good to laugh at it with someone you love. And we’re twins – so when she laughs – so do I…it’s truly contagious.

5. Right after I blogged about the cheek clenching episode a stupid effing man went into the bathroom with a newspaper in his hand. I nearly lost it. I just don’t understand. How do they do that? Next time I go in there I’m taking a table, a laptop, 3 books and a microwave. Can you imagine? How do they calmly read a paper in there knowing we all know what’s going on in there? Do they think we don’t know? And why in God’s ever loving name does it take ½ hour to poo? (YES – of course I’m tracking the time in my office) Women don’t have time for that crap (no pun intended). We’ve got things to do – get it out and get on with it man! Why do you want to sit in your own stench for any longer than you have to? Again I ask – do you think we don’t know what you’re doing in there? Um let’s see. Having a tea party? No. Making supper? No. Hemming your pants. No. Could it be – um – um – YOU’RE POOPING! I can’t handle it – I just can’t.

6. And finally – for those of you dying to know – I did not have to use the lovely restroom after all yesterday. Thank God. The thought of my nicely tanned rounded plump pristine pretty cheeks touching the same spot as some white hairy explosive ass cheeks with a weiner close by makes me want to throw up in my mouth. And I can’t hover worth a damn – I’ve tried. I’ll keep my poo at home thank you very much.

7. I fully intend to post some very serious life-altering Eckhart-induced blogs this weekend. That’s enough of this poopy booger weiner talk. I have now added another title to my ever-growing whore list…..scale whore, self-help book whore, sugar whore, comment whore, list whore and now poop whore. I am a full blown hoochie. *hangs head in shame*

8. And now a little Draz style Dr. Seuss for your Friday pleasure to lighten the mood……..

No, I did not end up poo-pooing at work.
The thought alone almost drove me bezerk.
I have no idea why…I guess it’s just a silly quirk.

I held it in, oh I squeezed my cheeks tight.
Though that poo of mine did put up a good fight.
Draz and I won the war. Oh yah, you got that right.

I do not like green eggs & ham – nor exploding butts or an echo fart.
I could try relaxing music or heck, maybe even some romantic Mozart.
But I don’t think it would help cuz me and Draz just don’t give a shart.

**Disclaimer: I just said it would be Dr. Suess-y...I never said it would be good.**

Happy Friday! Love you all!

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣


Sandy Lee said...

Ok. Too funny. I'm with you about the shared facilities. Men are such pigs and leave all sorts of unmentionables on the toilet/walls/sinks/newspapers/magazines. It would be fun to use one of those lights from CSI that show all the body fluids spread everywhere (they always pull it out at crime scenes, especially on hotel bedspreads-I can hear you composing another Suess-y poem). At least where I work I have a washroom just for women. I thought the honeymoon was over when you started farting in front of each other. Happy Friday!

Rebekah said... always make my day, Drazil! I love your blog--it's like crack in the mornings!

Jenny said...

Love the poem. But seriously I can't believe you cut your undies!

Amy W. said...

So, You think about me when you are naked?


WELL FINE! This morning I thought of you when I was talking to myself (out loud) in the bathroom. Yes. I am crazy. And so are you. hahahahah

jennyr1222 said...

Couple of things: 1) I don't understand why I just found your blog...I'm going to read every one of your posts this weekend 2) My friend Kelley did the same thing with her thong when she realized she had it on backwards. She was running late so she just cut both sides and threw it at her boyfriend. They promptly put on their coats and went to meet a friend for dinner. About 1/2way through the meal, said friend looks at boyfriend "What is on your shoulder?" Yep..Kelley's thong. Boyfriend promptly threw it under the table. HAHA! Imagine the surprise of that wait staff at the end of the night???

DawnB said...

Holy Shart! You are just hilarious - thanks for making me laugh on this dreary Friday :)

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

You cut your underwear? LMAO. The mental picture is enough to make me laugh til I cry here! :)

BanderificBeauty said...

OMG I seriously dont know what I would do if I couldnt read your blog. It is the best part of my day. You make me laugh so freakin hard! I have to admit I pictured the thong incident (I think in pictures yay me lol) and I think I lost 2 pounds from laughing. That would be something I would do. I learned early that thongs are just a belly button eyepatch for me. Maybe one day when I lose weight the little triangle will really go where it is supposed to LOL You should post a sign in the bathroom that says I know what your doing in here lol That will make people think ;)

Jacquie said...

Too funny!

jo said...

OMG...You are FUNNY! I know I love you/your blog after reading the first two posts.

jo said...

OMG...You are FUNNY! I know I love you/your blog after reading the first two posts.

Dinnerland said...

Holy LOLs!!!! Thanks for the shout, and hopefully I will continue to laugh my ass off, since I have several Sheniquas I want to shed.

Dinnerland said...

Holy LOLs!!!! Thanks for the shout, and hopefully I will continue to laugh my ass off, since I have several Sheniquas I want to shed.