Saturday, March 20, 2010

Magic Shave Powder - Lesson 101

Get your twisted little dirty perverted minds out of the gutter.  This is Lesson 101 - which means I'm not going to talk about the whootananny.  Oh shit - I just did didn't I?  You won't see that word again I swear.  I might as well literally build a freaking cottage in Hell for the amount of time I'm going to spend there in the future some day huh?

Okay - just Lesson 101 - sooooo yes we're just going to speak of merely buying the Magic Shave Powder. 

So I go to Walgreens.  I give myself a pep talk before going in - I promise myself my mother-in-law is NOT going to be in there the same time as me.  I enter.

Where the hell is the man's shaving aisle?  Good God - do they hide it with the condoms like it's shameful (cuz *I* feel shameful)?  Oh thank God - here it is - shaving "stuff".  There's enough Nair here to de-hair Bigfoot but no MSP.  I'm starting to sweat.  And lo and behold --- enter little grey haired saintly woman as soon as I decide to pick up the bottle that says NO RAZOR BURN ON YOUR SENSITIVE BIKINI AREA.  Jesus.  Kill me now.

She says, "Is there something I can help you with?"  NO FOR THE LOVE OF PETE - I'M JUST LOOKING - LEAVE ME ALONE. 

I reign in my temper.  "No Mam, I'm just fine.  Thank you."  This is definitely not the MSP aisle.  I walk around for what seems like an eternity - and finally there it is. 

Now here's the good part.  Duuudddesss - my Walgreens has MSP that is specifically for bald heads.  There's the cream Jenny bought and I think Amy that is for beards and facial hair.  I found a bottle for bald heads.  JACKPOT - my hubby is going to kiss the ground I walk on if he doesn't have to shave anymore.  And in my devious little head I'm thinking that if this is safe for his head it's gotta be safe for my pooty tang.  (No "w" word there you'll notice.)

I decide to buy both bottles.  Now to the next item - Kool-aid.  Word to my homies - Walgreens doesn't have Kool-aid.  It only has yet ANOTHER Grandma like employee who would like to help me find the Kool-aid they don't sell while I hold fah-gina de-hairing products in my tight little hands.

And I'm not making this crap up - I've been known to exaggerate - but not this time.  This is serious business.  I'm half covered in hives already.  The last time I was in Walgreens I was with Jenny - um - I refuse to tell you what we bought.  I can't go there.  I still have nightmares. LOL

So fine - no Kool-aid.  Get me the hell out of here.  I have to buy something else - I cannot just leave with this.  Effing Grandma #3 is at the checkout for God's sake.  She's probably never even seen her coochie.  If I set only MSP on the counter she's going to clutch her heart and die on the spot.

Oh holy Mother of God - M&Ms are on sale.  Two bags for $4 and I'm good to go.

You guys I'm not kidding.  I get to checkout.  I refuse to make eye contact.  I'm swiping my freaking card.  OH JESUS - that's not my debit card.  That's the $0 effing gift card I picked up to use to wipe the cream off my ass crack.  Oh yah - you guessed it.  She says, "Oh how much do you want on that?" 


Dammit - put $5 on it so next time I come in here for MSP I can gift it to myself.  What have I done to deserve this?

Sooooo I swipe my real debit card.  I think I'm almost out.  NOPE - Grandma wants to know if I have rewards or coupons to use on my MSP.  NO - HOLY HELL - it's only $3.99.  She smiles and says "That's okay, I think I might have one."  WHAT?  You're kidding right?  She's Satan.

She seriously flips through the 50 page weekly flyer and finds a damn coupon for me.  Oh yah - get this - it wasn't for the MSP.  It's for the G*ddamn M&Ms.  Does she not understand I'd have paid $10 for a bag of those things?  So now I have to bow down and thank her - the Coupon Goddess - for saving me $1 on my M&Ms but curse her for making me put $5 on a Walgreen's card.  I hope they give her an Easter bonus.  Gag.

Yes girls - this happened in about 10 minutes.
Yes girls - this is my life in my head as I know it.
Yes girls - I am a self-professed goody-two-shoes and this experience was painful for me.
Yes girls - I am a drama QUEEN.
Yes girls - I ate half the bag of M&Ms before I even put my car in drive.

Last thing - I get home and reveal the bald head MSP to the hubby.  He is super excited.  Now we must do a back experiment.  Great - can't wait.  And then?????

OM-effing-GOD!  He sees the M&Ms.  He says, "How come you didn't get me almond ones?" 

Suffice it to say he has M&Ms - not almond ones - shoved in places he didn't know he had holes for.  And he's missing a certain appendage too. 

I now need therapy.....well that or a beer will do.

Stay tuned for MSP - Lesson 102 - it could be the head or the back or my lady part.  You just never know do ya?

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣


Gilly said...

Poor you! Think how embarrassed you're going to be when I make you go back, buy another tube and then mail it to Canada! HA!!! :P

Jacquie said...

LOL...Gilly I was thinking the same thing about having her send it to FL where we KNOW nothing but little old Grey Haired Ladies live!

Southern Belle said...

Traumatized in Walgreens...I had the same thing happen yesterday when I was shopping for MSP. Ma'am can I help you? "Nope got it right here, my gonna make the who ha smooth cream, thanks, have a great day!" Can't wait for the second installment.

Drazil said...

Gilly and Jacquie - I'll go back in the tomb of embarrassment IF you promise to buy me more M&Ms for my work....that's just how much I love you guys.

Dirttrackdiva said...

You called me a rock star. *tee hee* Thanx, I really needed that. It's been a rough couple of days over here in SNOWY Missouri. Can't wait to get caught up on all your blogs. Talk to you soon. <3 you too. mwah.

Dirttrackdiva said...

look me up if you have facebook. just click on the badge on my blog.

BanderificBeauty said...

Ok I have been missing blogs and stuff so I am confused. What is the kool aid for? Is that for a refreshing drink while waiting? God I am hoping it is not part of the process I missed lol cause I am so going to buy some of this! And maybe share it with friends unless they only have a few then I am going to hide in the shower and shave like a ninja and know I have the goldon idol :D

Jenny said...

I've got to get to walgreens!!

Always make me smile! Have a great weekend!!

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

I think Walgreens teaches their employees how to embarrass the sh*t out of their customers as part of their training or something. It always happens when I go there. If its not the little old granny its the super hot guy.

You took me from serious tears to giggles... so thanks for that. :)
Awaiting Lesson 102...

Kim said...

I can't wait for Lesson 102!!

Tina said...

Ok I saw Drazil this and Drazil that all over everyone's blogs today..So I think to myself...who is this Drazil who posts funny questions and provides bush trimming instructions :) hahahaha great blog!! I will follow. I'm compiling a March picture the season thing over at my place so take a picture for me. In return I will do your survey and go shopping at Walgreens for some of that hair removal cream. I have the hairiest legs on the planet so if it works I will be a happy chicken.

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Drazil you get the Kool aid while shopping at the supermarket.....I so cannot wait for the next lesson!