Tuesday, March 30, 2010

My *Get out of Jail Free* card came……

…..and Drazil is PPEEEE-ISSSEEDD off.

I had a huge epiphany….like big enough that I feel like the huge gorilla on my back has been lifted off. It stems from the Laura S. book I’m reading and seriously every person on Earth should be required to read that book. I wasn’t abused in any way and have no major trauma from childhood BUT I have still have scars and wounds from parents who made mistakes (like we all do)….and the book still applied to my life a lot. Seriously life-changing – even more than Martha Beck’s books that changed me forever.

Back to my epiphany. Have you guys ever heard the old adage, “You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else and before anyone else can love you fully.”? Well, I’m here to say that statement has always confused me and angered me and well, frankly - I think it’s bullsh*t. I have a lot of people in my life and as sure as I stand here today I love them with every fiber of my being – and I did so even when I hated every part of me. I used to wonder how the hell could it be that someone could say I couldn’t love anyone unless I loved myself….when the fact was I gave my heart and soul to everyone around me and loved them unconditionally? How could you say that wasn’t real – because I hated myself? Really – how could you unvalidate my love so easily? And on the other hand – you mean to tell me no one really does love because I can’t love myself? Well that just cements my feelings of not wanting to risk loving anyone else……

It was like putting conditions on love…..“no one can love you until you love yourself”…..nice. When I don’t like myself isn’t that when I need other’s love the most?

In Laura’s book (I act like I know her huh?) she says this whole thing is a crock. She says that she has never once in her life woke up in the morning and had the first thing she ever thought of be, “Do I love myself?” She says loving yourself doesn’t come from inside…it comes from what we project outside. It comes from everything flowing out of us. It comes from being more than the physical you. Loving yourself comes from what you give to others, what you are to others, the love you exude, the passion in your talents, the charity you willingly give. When you do all of those things without ever needing anything in return – loving and giving for the sake of loving and giving – then loving yourself happens automatically. IF you live miserably, close yourself off, take no risks, trust no one, eat unhealthily, give nothing, love no one, keep bitterness, feel resentment, put up walls, etc…..how do you feel about yourself? Pretty self-loathing I would say. I would know – I’ve been there.

For years I swore I’d never love anyone – not fully – because I’d only get hurt, they’d only leave…which translated into I wasn’t worth anyone loving me enough to stay. I didn’t give any of myself to anyone – out of fear. I never risked my heart. I never even fathomed giving or charity work. I worked to pay the bills – I had no passion for what I did. I resented and took personally nearly every comment directed at me. I lived in the dark. I chose that. I wanted that. I was comfortable there. And I hated the air that I breathed. I was the definition of the living dead. I. Hated. Me.

Now today? Sure, I have flaws but seriously part of me loves those flaws because they give me something to work on and strive for….and they remind me that my perfectionist quest is just silly. I might carry around an extra 10 lbs these days but honestly – throw Pamela Anderson in front of me – and I’d find her flaws too. And the big thing is – if you told me I could switch bodies with her – I’m not sure I would. Because she’s not me. She might have the perfect body – but that isn’t me. Does she love like I do? Does she give like I do? Does she care like I do? Nope – she does all that like Pamela does and she has her own crosses to bear. I’m kinda done wanting to be and look like someone else. It’s about time I realize this is me and that’s not about to change – unless I change it – if I damn well please.

So I guess I’m trying to say for a long time I was on a quest – to love me, to finally love the person I am. My God – I read every book known to man and did everything I could to attain the “I love me” status just so I could love others like they said I could “if only” I loved me. It was what all the therapists and book writers and talk show hosts and everyone said you had to do after all. And when I couldn’t look in the mirror without cringing and I couldn’t answer that I loved myself – I felt like such a failure. Who could possibly love me when I couldn’t love myself? But ask my family – and they did.

I’m so done with that because at the end of the day if I am true to me and let go of my ego and not react to things that don’t really matter and I love with all my heart and I give when I can and I live in the present moment – it happens on its own. I freaking love that person who does that…and that person is me. Will I ever wake up first thing in the morning and ask myself “do you love yourself?” Nope – never again. Who the hell has time for that? I’ve got better things to do – like love and give.

I live in reality (when I’m not in Care Bear Land) and on days when I’m true to me I would marry myself if I could. On days when I eat like crap or let negative self talk take over or I am selfish – I’m not really a fan of me. And that’s how it should be and neither day makes me love anyone else in my life any less.

A girl in the book writes about her thoughts in the morning and so I’m putting mine here. THIS is why I don’t have time to ask myself the question about loving me. It doesn’t enter my mind. These days I just know I do…if I’m really me.  I lived in a self-imposed prison for most of my life - because I couldn't love myself....and now I realize it's because the me I was back then wasn't the whole me I had the potential to be.

So anywhoozle......my morning montage when the alarm rings goes something like this:

JESUS – can’t I just get 10 more minutes?....NO….get up, lazy bones….you have things to do and you promised yourself you’d get up early today….OMG I love this bed…I want to marry it……why is it so dark and cold….isn’t this Spring?.....GAWD…..what am I going to wear?.....I do NOT feel like wearing heels today but my calves look hot in heels….I can’t wear my boots cuz my stupid hot calves are getting smaller…oh I love those boots…and they were so cheap at Walmart….oh I can’t forget to get Ragu at Walmart today for the raviolis I’m making….oh raviolis….Jenny made them for me last time we visited….I love Jenny….I miss Jenny….she’d tell me what to wear if she was here…..why does she live so far away and not in my bedroom…..oh fine….I’ll get up…who is this little girl in my bed and how did she get here?.....is she mine?....she’s so cute…..cripes…..I gotta get the chicken out of the crockpot and make my lunch or I’ll be off plan today and I only have two days left before weigh in and all my bloggies will find out if I met my goal….oh blogging…what shall I blog about today….I love blogging…I love that I have found such amazing people there…..this shirt looks ridiculous…and it’s so small it only covers one boob…nice…hubby would love it if I wore that to work….I wonder how he’s feeling today….he’s been at work for hours already….where the hell is the hairspray…I swear if my little girl used it for her Barbies again I’ll cry….what did I do with my purse and keys?....why don’t you put them in the same spot every night you big dork?.....turn the light on…you’re going to trip…..what is that smell?.....kitty litter needs to be emptied tonight…..tonight – ha – I just need to get in the car first…I’m going to be late….oh look the sun is coming out….man I love this song…..how the hell can I have a wedgie already?.....I need new underwear….OMG is that an old M&M on the floorboard….no one will know if I dust it off and eat it…..

….and all before 7am.

So to quote the book…

“Do you love yourself?”


♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣


Stephanie said...

I just found your blog and I think the title alone is hilarious. I am sure many people will identify with this post too.
9 weight loss

LDswims said...

It's all perspective, eh? A problem is only a problem if you see it that way.

Wonderful blog. So articulate and wise!!!

Dirttrackdiva said...

lol the mega run on sentence made me chuckle. sounds like me. only i usually put coffee between each thought. lol
eye opening on the loving yourself though. thanx for the insite.

Jennifer said...

hahaha..I wish I could live closer - (maybe not in your BEDroom but maybe the living room. Or...the workout room! Then I'd be as HOT as you! hahahaha!
Way to go on figuring that stuff out - I think you are amazing and you do love and accept everyone with your whole heart. I like that you are going to accept yourself but change it if *you* want to.
Drazil must be in the corner sucking his thumb right now!

Tina said...

great post-So do we all have those run on multi-topic thoughts in the morning?


Katie J said...

Hey girl! I just wanted you to know I gave you a shout out on my blog today re: You are my sunshine award so you may see some "new" peeps coming over. I warned them in advance! Bwaaahahhahahahahahaaa

P.S. I love you!

Carmen said...

AMEN sister!

Joey said...

It's a real thinker. Great post-erino!

Alexis said...

I've never entirely likes that phrase as well and had heard it a lot of the years as I got bigger (and bigger) by around 1 1/2 years ago I wanted to punch the next person that said it to me.

This time last year, I couldn't honestly tell you that I did love myself. I was so angry and disappointed in myself that it was hard to see beyond anything else. Fast forward to today and that has vastly changed. I've still got some progress to do, but I'm getting there.

What a great post (well, all of yours are). :)

Butterfly said...

I thought it was just me who thought that "nobody can love you and you can't love anybody until you love yourself" was a big crock of crapola...

Great post. This resonated with me:
"if I am true to me and let go of my ego and not react to things that don’t really matter and I love with all my heart and I give when I can and I live in the present moment – it happens on its own"

Great post. x

Girl Bandit said...

I sort of get that!!!!

Merri said...

luvd that stream of consciousness it sounds like my head. except for that i cannot possibly wake up before 7am!!
i dont think anyone loves themselves all the time. i sure dont.