Monday, March 29, 2010

Reject....I mean EJECT....Monday....

Today I still live in Care Bear land but it’s mostly inhabited by Grumpy Care Bear. Or Smurfville with Grumpy Smurf or in Snow White’s cottage with Grumpy Dwarf. What is it with all the cartoons making someone grumpy? Aren’t all cartoons supposed to be fluffy and fun and full of rainbows?

Okay – anyway – in whatever world I live in today – I am pretending. It is how I choose to get through this Monday. I have a LOT on my mind – courtesy of finishing Dr. Laura S’s book on childhood and adult life. I also dealt with puke this weekend and if you all don’t remember – I am a non-puke-tolerator. I used to be all balls of steel mom in the puke department – um – not so much anymore. I think I sliced those balls off in the whootananny shaving incident. AND I dealt with a poop-wiping incident too. I’m surprised I’m alive. Up close and personal with poop and puke in one day – my house is next door to Hell I swear. The Devil stops over on a regular basis.

Alright – so back to pretending. I have at my desk one of those EASY Staples buttons. Oh how cute is that? A real life fake easy button to taunt me. Brilliant. If the Staples rep dares to walk in my office today he’s going to have an easy button where it doesn’t belong and two shoved in his eyes for good measure. But today – my easy button is my EJECT button. I swear to God I want to live in a cartoon. You know how every vehicle and every spaceship and every anything has an eject button in cartoons. I want my life to have one of them. It would go something like this.

Yes, Mr. Dickwad – I understand you wanted that paperwork yesterday. EJECT

Oh you want to drive 45 mph in a 65 mph zone when I’m already late. EJECT snotlicker.

Hmmm….you want to explode in the shared office toilet 6 times before noon. EJECT Explosive Butt Man. Wow.

You have a cold and you decided to come in my office and cough and sneeze for 5 minutes straight just to tell me about your boring weekend. Thank you. EJECT

You want to add 5 more deadlines on top of the 5 I already have just because you know damn well I’ll do it all in record time. EJECT jerk.

You decide you’re going to detox your system and only drink liquids all day and have one supper at night and you think this is smart? EJECT. Yes – I’m ejecting myself. It’s my world – I can do what I want.

Hey Martha Stewart – ever heard of taking baths in Skittles instead of bathing in rank perfume? I can smell you from my house. EJECT

You think it’s necessary to order out EVERY day and walk by my office with your treat. EJECT

Oh yah it’s completely normal that you want to screw around on your husband while he sits around and waits for you to be done. EJECT slutball.

Yes I think it’s completely necessary that every woman buys a $600 purse once every 30 days. EJECT spoiled witch.

Wow – my day wasn’t complete until I took your 10th sales call asking me to buy 99 reams of paper so you’d give me 3 free jelly beans. EJECT


You betcha – one little touch of my manicured finger and they’d all be ejected. Gone just like that. Just typing it and picturing their little arms and legs flailing as I eject them makes it all a little better. I never ever once said I was kind….I did say that sometimes I fart gumdrops but let’s be clear….that doesn’t happen on EJECT Monday. Now Tuesday? Maybe. I might be able to whip up a rainbow or two or even a fairy. And hell I’ll shoot hearts out of my Care Bear tummy until the world is one big peace ball. But not today. I only have enough energy to hit the EJECT button. It’s so hard being me…it requires a lot of energy to be this pissy.

Any of you lovies wanna come push the EJECT button for me? It’s hindering my ability to shove 26 M&Ms in my mouth at one time. *sigh*

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣


Mary said...

Hmmm….you want to explode in the shared office toilet 6 times before noon. EJECT Explosive Butt Man. Wow.

Do we work in the same office?????

I realate to almost every single one of these!

Thanks for an afternoon laugh!

Alexis said...

Oh. Thank you for this today. I seriously love your blog so much. It is always proven for a good laugh.

LDswims said...

If I hit the eject button, can I eject this stupid diet from my life? I'd be happy to help!!!! Please!!!

Amy said...

I'll shovel the M&M's in while you hit EJECT as much as your little heart desires!

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

Are they pastel M&Ms? I'll take over eject button duties if you'll share the M&Ms. :)

Sandy Lee said...

My manager has one in the office and everyone thinks it is so cute. I wish it was an eject button because when it says "That was Easy" it is usually because I'm doing the work! I agree, that button should be banned.

Drama Queen said...

Can we eject our kids? Just every now and then, not permanently or anything...I'd never do that. Uh huh.

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Mondays are so overrated....uh so up for the eject....

Jennifer said...

LOL! I'd like to eject a few people...I'll shovel M&M's for you if you give me the button when you're done with it!

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

I'm starting to think that we work in the same office, too. Which cellblock is yours?

Southern Belle said...

Can you please send me some of whatever you are on???

Dirttrackdiva said...

eject monday's....priceless.

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Momma Pimp. i gave u an award... check it out....big hugs

Girl Bandit said...

Where the hell do you work????

Merri said...

that sounds like my mondays. and quite a few other days too.
i like your blog! thanks for coming over to mine, and adding me to your blogroll. youre on my blogroll now too! :)