Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Thank God Carmen Electra doesn't live next door....

Well our family doesn’t live in Magic Pukedom any longer…we relocated back to Normalcy. I have returned to being the mother who can do everything – cuz my kid is done puking. Thank you all for your comments – seriously made my day and eased my guilt. I can’t say enough about all of you.

Do you guys remember the other day when I told you I had a dream my hubby cheated on me with a girl from town I know? I forgot to tell you what dear perfect hubby (yes, insert strong sarcasm here) said when I told him. He said, “Baby doll, if I’m going to cheat I’d want to go up the scale, not backwards. I already have the best so there’s no reason to cheat.” Now before you all start with the “awwww – how sweet” responses…..I just want to point out what I heard. I heard “he thinks about cheating and if he does he’ll go for Carmen Electra cuz like – she’s the only person hotter than me right? OMG – he contemplates it. OMG – what if Carmen Electra moves next door? Holy crap – he’s just settling for me cuz Carmen doesn’t live next door.”

Panic attack. Over-reaction. Drama. I’m such a woman huh? This is the perfect example of not hearing what my man is really saying. First he was half-ass joking to take my serious reaction to my dream down a notch. Second he was saying – duh – you idiot woman – I’m here for the long haul. Third – he just told me in his eyes I am the best. (Shit – I completely missed that compliment didn’t I?)

I guess this got me to thinking…how many times do I let my internal fear and Drazil dictate what I *hear*? How many times do I assume things? Take things for what they are not? Read between the lines incorrectly? Jump to conclusions? Make up stories in my head to feed my fears? Take words totally out of context to make them about me and my personal issues?



And who needs that drama? Not me. I’m so done always making things a personal stab against me so I can play the hurt little victim. It’s not always about ME – it’s not always personal – people don’t nearly talk about me or not like me as much as I think they don’t…..I mean I need to get over myself. How arrogant of me to think the thought of me and my actions consumes people’s lives – like they have nothing else to do? My damn ego is huge.

Yup – all this from a cheating dream. I’m a complex girl….crazy, but complex.

On a recap of my night – I rocked the treadmill. I’m not kidding. It was one of those “I could run forever if I didn’t have to feed the kids” nights. Curse them and their empty little tummies. I burned 504 calories and felt like a rock star….in all my sweaty glory. Truth be told I was just angry running – the hubby was at Cabela’s so I was irritated. Why you ask? Oh no reason – except that I’m selfish and Cabela’s is not for me and I’m at home working out and I’m jealous. Pretty cut and dried. Hard to admit but true. I mean Jesus – the man works like a dog at 3 jobs – can he go to Cabela’s without his spoiled wife throwing a pissy fit. Sure – as long as I can take it out on the treadmill. I’m learning guys – I promise. I never said a word to him about his trip. I let it go.

Me = 1. Drazil = 0.

I ended the day at 884 calories. Karma (well that and the whole calories in – calories out magic) responded. Down to 162.5 today.

Oh and man diet update – 7 !*&^%!* pounds – day nine. Hubby stepped on the scale in all his naked glory this morning while I was getting ready and had the nerve to smirk at me. He jumped off and then had the nerve to say, “Hmm….that was even after I ate a footlong sub.” Then he made some man grunting noises and started singing “I am the Champion!” Peckerhead. I accidentally burned his weiner with my curling iron. Next time wear clothes before you dare smirk at me peckerhead.

Nice way to start my day. Putting burn salve on a weiner. Happy Freaking Hump Day. (not for us – burned weiner = no humping)

God – I crack myself up! I don’t care who you are – that was funny.

Oh and by the way – Amy W. may be MIA today. I saw her pics of Tracey and realized that my hubby looks a lot like him and took the plunge and decided I had to show her his face (and mine). I’m pretty sure Amy W. is stunned speechless by my earth-shattering beauty and huge chubby cheeks and therefore cannot even fathom typing today. Well either that or she’s making copies of my pictures to keep the mice away. Either way Amy W. is now in my spy circle and has been sworn to keeping my identity secret. It’s all part of my evil plan……..mmmuuuuuuwwaaahhhhh! Rest assured, some day you will all be lured in…..

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣


LDswims said...

You are too funny! I love your blogs - so unpredictable!

How did Amy W. get to be so lucky? Dangit! :)

tessierose said...

Burnt weiner! I'm rolling. By the way, my mind works just like that!
I hate that about myself and I feel so sorry for my sweet husband, he just never knows how my brain will process the most benign comments. I dig your blog!

DawnB said...

So often I hear hubby say "don't put words in my mouth, that's not what I said DAMMIT" - It's a woman thing for sure.

Barbara said...

I absolutely love your blog.. you are too much... you often say what I think... I gotta get that Martha Beck book too, cause now my curiosity is killing me to get more into your way of thinking.. wonderful job with the treadmill can you bottle that up and send that enthusiasm my way!!

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Ha Ha! I am so gonna remember that for the next time I get a boyfriend and he pisses me off while I am getting ready!..Lmao....And I am a fellow self drama creator, so I totally understand where u are coming from....

Jennifer said...

Hi - I love this one! You are doing some real discovery.
Thanks for the call today - you called a the perfect time and saved from a day of bad thoughts.
Love you dear BFF! You are my rock.

Dinnerland said...

You are too funny and DON'T be guilty mommy because of me!!!
I'm just getting back to blogs-- and just saw your post.
Holy crap, I am such a guilty mommy myself.... we all have our breaking points and bodily fluids is a very understandable one.

THE DASH! said...

Hi there,
Ok first up - you had me at your sidebar... I was laughing at your 'About Me.'
Then came some of the posts I read - the last one? You outdid yourself lol.. love it so much - you have a cracking sense of humor and I'm def coming back in on the support train. Look--------------> see.. I'm now a follower. I feel like puking (oops sick daughter reference soz ;)) that I've missed your posts till now! Look forward to the next one.
PS Sorry I hadn't been here before. Dang, I just knew I would miss someone. You were in my followers ages ago - my bad!

Amy W. said...

You are crazy (but really...most one state the obvious?) I posted your pictures all over my blog just now...hope you dont mind!


KIDDING! But you are going to go check now arent you?

I dont know why you dont the world to know how beautful you are! BUT! At least I know :)