Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Things I learned yesterday in the “Candy” (aka whootananny) debacle…

1. My followers are hoochie mamas. And I mean that in the best way possible. I sweated over writing my *Candy* story thinking OMG – they’re going to think I’m the biggest pervert evah or de-follow me for this one for sure. But nnnnoooooooo……I get suggestions, tips, brand names, things to try and things not to try, encouragement to never up against the troll, turkey pictures, words like pre-shave and coochy cream and tons of “I’ve been doing it for years, you’ll get used to it”. I was shocked. Disgusted really. I thought you all were angels and “I” was the devil. I am just appalled. Well, not really but it sounds good right? You’re all a bunch of whores….seriously….have you no morals? You all think you’re all that – walking around with your smooth Candys and no razor burn. I still think you all lie….a lot.

2. Last night I wanted to practice all your new tips but my Candy is now smooth as a baby’s butt so I chased down Sheniqua. I was hoping I’d knick her and she’d bleed to death. NO such luck. And yes, I tried Drazil first but just ended up cutting off his lizard pecker. It was a blood bath at my house last night. Today they are both not speaking to me – which is how I like it. (for all my new followers – no I do not have real split personalities – I just live in my own world some days – it’s fun – you should come visit me.)

3. I learned I can like Mondays – if they involve turkeys and laughing so hard people think I’m having a seizure. (Thank you to Amy W for the turkey image – I used to look in the mirror and scream “hot mama” at myself – now – all I see is a turkey head. It gives me nightmares.)

4. I learned how to spell whootananny.

5. I learned again how much I love my BFF (Jen for you new followers) who found MSP so I never have to put a razor near my Candy again and fear female castration by my own hand. Jen and I may indeed go to the pros and get a wax some day….we may indeed take pics on the way in (smiling) and take pics on the way out (sobbing) but NONE during…..too bad for you – you perverts.

6. Oh – it’s Day 3 of 18 and I have no idea what my fat baby’s azz weighs. I’m starting to go a little insane. (or more insane than I was – whichever you prefer) I ended yesterday at 989 calories and only 22 g of sugar. It wasn’t that hard….after I saw my beloved Cabbage Patch dolls reduced to Candy-like images – I lost my appetite. (How could you Amy W? lol)

7. I learned what a FUPA is. See Amy W’s post yesterday and The Neglected Foster Child’s comment to it. OMG – I saw that comment and I *tried* to read it out loud to my man and I literally couldn’t get the words out. Which reminds me – so I can actually add some vital information to your lives – do any of you know the term most tummy tucker people use for the FUPA? She gave you porn terminology – I’ll contribute tummy tuck terminology. It’s called a Ken doll. Why? Cuz – have any of you seen a Ken doll naked? There’s that big square mounded piece of plastic “down there” and after you get a tummy tuck your Ken doll either gets bigger (actually it completely swells and retains fluids from surgery) or many finally notice it’s actually there when we couldn’t see anything below our flap of skin before. It’s scary and it’s seriously looks like a Ken doll. Many many TT patients get the entire area lipo-ed eventually after their TT has healed. It’s painful….to say the least.

8. I learned it’s not that easy to make a heart hair template. That’s right – I’m taking Southern Belle’s advice. If I’m going to do right by Candy I’m going to go all the way. I want a heart and I want it pink. (I personally think Southern Belle is so good at this she writes poetry in hers….did you see her suggestions? She’s a pro whore fo sho! Shame on you SB!) And yes – I realize that completely means my children can never ever see Candy again. I can hear the four year old at church….”Hey mom – that woman’s pink shirt is the same color as yours is on your girl parts.” Or to the mother-in-law….”Yesterday mom and I made tiny heart templates and tested pink hair dye on all my Barbie dolls….not sure why but it was a great craft project.”

9. And finally I learned that scratching Candy with a Brillo pad does not make the itching go away. I want my Troll back. I feel like I have fleas. Someone. Make. It. Stop.

10. Oh and I learned I love you all…you’re my whores and I’m happy to call you my own! “Whootanannys R Us” has a whole bunch of new members thanks to us….(thanks Jenny for coining that group name)!

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣


Corletta said...

You seriously are hilariously. Thanks for the early morning laugh!

Amy W. said...

I learned all of those things too! I thought people would be appalled...of course...there are all those people who read our blog and DID not leave a comment bc they have grace and dont want to say STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR VAGINAS!

I wanna be like them when I grow up.

Dont even get me started on trying to shave my buttcrack. Oh..that is not so easy. But ever since Tracey and I stopped at this place on our way to southern florida, called Cafe Riske'...they have strippers at the cafe and they dance for you on the diner table...and I saw the most hairless crack ever...I keep trying to duplicate it.


I always miss some. So then I have this little troll tuft at the very top.

Tracey thinks it is funny.

I do not.

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

You ladies are hilarious. It's a good thing you're only blog neighbors. Can you imagine what you would do to the HOA? I can see it now...

BEE said...

you are too funny
i am new to your blog and loving every minute lol

Carmen said...

and here i thought that FUPA was a word my brother coined LOL there is also the FUCA (fooka....the male version lol)

Jennifer said...

Just say NO to hairy crack! Get yourself some Magic Shave Powder (or cream). $2.49 or $3.99 at Walgreens. It WORKS and it's painless.

Here is a link to read about it.

Haley said...

you and Amy are hilarious... I just stumbled upon your blogs today...thanks to the lovely Mrs. Fatass who mentioned you. Now I know I will have fabulous things to read about from now on. Weight loss isnt always pretty, thanks for reminding us :)

Southern Belle said...

Okay, I am pretty sure I have never been called a whore, I know that I never thought that if I did get called one that I would be laughing so hard my stomach would hurt. While I do admit to many shapes, what can I say..I get bored with the landing strip?!? I haven't dyed anything before. But now I have to because I mentioned it and haven't done it. I think it's too late for a green shamrock..maybe a blue diamond? Do they make blue dye..hmm...

Angelia said...

Oh. Mah. Gawd. You are one funny lady! Found you though MrsFatass.

The itching will stop, in about a week.

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