Thursday, March 25, 2010

THIS IS KARMA....the diet Gods have spoken.

Alrida Ida. I just have to say this.


This is KARMA.

I decide I want chocolate. Nope – let’scratch that. The correct thing to say would be I “need” chocolate. So I’m going to eat some because us women here at work keep three entire drawerfuls at the ready. Nope – no need for money – the freaking company buys it. Um, can you say “enabler”?

And yes you heard me right - I said three drawers. In case you want to know my selection – here it is:

Drawer 1 – Heath, Reeses Peanut Butter Cups and Peppermint Patties
Drawer 2 – Nestle Crunch, Baby Ruth, Three Musketeers
Drawer 3 – Milky Way, Butterfinger

Now if you can’t find something you like in there well then suffice it to say I think you’re a man and you don’t have a fah-gina. These three drawers are every woman’s dream and did I mention it’s free? Ah heaven at my fingertips. Do you people understand why Sheniqua sits her fat ass on my hips still to this day? THIS is my hell on Earth every day.

Mmmmmkkkaaayyy – well AF is gone but the hormones are here to stay and by God if I don’t get some ever-loving chocolate in these veins in the next five minutes I’ll poke my own eyes out.

So I sashay my little booty to the drawers. I act all subtle and grab something from each drawer. I fill my pockets. (I’m kidding – sort of). Oh shut up – who among us can just grab one? I go back to my office. I’m opening the packages like a rabid dog. I take a bite and THERE IT IS. I will never be the same.

EXPLOSIVE MAN STRIKES AGAIN. You guys – I think he blew himself up. A human body can’t make that kind of noise – without losing at least 3 limbs and an eye….and an ear. If he doesn’t come out deaf and blind I’m gonna shart my own self. What the hell makes a man sound like that? My GOD – don’t do it in the toilet – does he not understand the meaning of E.C.H.O?

The noise startled me so much that the freaking candy bite went down my shirt into my voluptuous pillows of love….and nearly melted as I tried to dig it out. Great – how am I supposed to hide the chocolate like an addict hides meth when it’s smeared all over my titties? And I can’t even go in the bathroom to get it off cuz IT’S OCCUPIED!! (and I’m not brave enough to go in there after what happened in there anyway)

I’m so discombobulated from that noise that the chocolate now seems tainted, wrong somehow. Coincidence? I think not. The diet Gods have spoken. Eat candy and we’ll send in explosive man to rock your world…and not in a good way.

So now I hate him for exploding AND for taking away my 30 seconds of paradise. I’ll never look at a Butterfinger without hearing the sound. I have been violated. I’ll have post traumatic stress and night terrors for sure. Probably even qualify for workers comp don’t you think?

Ah well – at least I still have a Milky Way…..

….and a Nestle Crunch….and a Reeses….

….and a Heath…

…..and a……



♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

18 comments:

LDswims said...

Oh you are too funny!

I can't help it. I'm weird. I have to say this...I hate chocolate. I can't grab one let alone three. Can you believe it? A woman? Who hates chocolate? My own mom thought I was an alien. Must have been adopted...even though she was there...when I was born...from HER! My grandmother can't fathom it. She has to have chocolate every day.

As for exploding man...eeks. I've got nothing other than...I'm sorry.

LauraLynne said...

I think something's wrong with my computer...there's nothing past "Reese's Peanut Butter cups"

I'll have to reboot to figure out what you were trying to say... ;)

Kim said...

Seriously, someone just asked me if I was ok from laughing so hard!! You make me smile :)

Sherry said...

Thank you thank you thank you. OMG. Laughing my ass off.

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

OMG! The husband happens to be sitting here, so I decided I would read this installment of amusement to him and I was laughing so hard that I couldn't even get the words out. LMAO

Camille said...

Hilarious. We have the chocolate CABINET in our office that is filled by little elves. It's the same thing. Wow. Explosive bathroom noises that you can hear in your office. Wow.

Carmen said...

I don't think I'd make it past drawer #1. Funny story...last night I walked past a snack machine and was so enthralled with the Reese's PB cups in it that I walked into the men's room. You know you're fat when....
:-)

Weighting Around said...

Pretty funny. Those diet gods are always watching, kind of like big brother. Be careful with the rest of your candy stash. Dangerous drawers...

Southern Belle said...

Haha haha ha! That is what you get..remember in the movie American Wedding when Stiffler eats the dog poop and says it tastes "nutty" that is what I thought of the second I read your blog. It would not be good to have chocolate in your mouth and hear an assplosion at the same time...

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

That is haunting! How can that guy walk out of there and ever look a co-worker in the eye again? (Provided he hasn't blinded himself.) YUCK!

The CilleyGirl said...

We have our candy stash in the top drawer of a file cabinet between our respective offices. Not one of those 12" wide, 12" deep file drawers. It's 36"+ wide. And the office pays for ours too AND we're the ones who make the buying decisions. We also buy champagne and cake and meats, cheeses, crackers, whatever else blows our skirts up on a fairly regular basis (there's a full bar in our conference room). I LOVE my job. It doesn't do much for my ass, though.

Sandy Lee said...

Too funny. But here is what you now need to implant in your brain so you won't ever want to go near those drawers full of chocolate. Think about Mr. Explosion walking out of that bathroom, having not washed his hands (like all men) then opening those drawers with his grubby paws and pawing through the chocolate. EVERY BAR is now contaminated with Explosion germs. Would you really want to eat them now?

For me I'd just put on some gloves and pick the Peppermint Patties.

Betty Rubble said...

AF or not I'm dipping in each of the drawers. Great...now I want a Peppermint Pattie...

Kristen said...

Girlfriend...thanks for the laugh! You are cracking me up right now. I love this guilty chocolate story. Don't worry, we all have our food addictions. Dont be too hard on yourself haha. You get that butterfinger if you want it :)

Dinnerland said...

I would have to quit that job. I would weigh 600 pounds in a year from a drawer like that!

Pamela said...

OMG I'm laughing so hard, I about fell off my treadmill!

Girl Bandit said...

How gross is he??? And ruining the ONLY pleasure of that dreaded TOM...pleaseeeeeeee

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