Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Well I guess it beats being all about poop right?

I used to be all about poop for a while, then bodily functions in general, then hairless whootanannys and now I’m obsessed with numbers. Anyone starting to realize I find a topic – and I’m OCD all over its ass until I tire of it and move on. Fark. <-- See – obsessed – that’s my new word of the week remember?

Before any of you ho-bags start hyperventilating and start shoving Twinkies in your mouths with the wrappers on (like I would) – calm down. Lesson 102 on the whootananny is coming I promise. These things take time. And truth be known I can’t decide if I should use the beard tube or the head tube of cream. And I kinda gotta wait until I have a “patch” to experiment on you know? I will say the other day I was in the bath and you’d have thought I was doing a science experiment examining myself down there – you know preparing for the day when me and the cream meet in real life. I’m picking up folds and finding crevices and I’m thinking, “How in the hell can cream stay THERE?” In my Satan head I thought – no one else must look like this down there. I’m one of a kind….and not in a good way. And Amy W is right – the butt part seems impossible. I mean do you do it in shifts or all at once? Before I get out of the bath I’m nearly ready to go buy some porn just to study what other women’s ho-has look like so I can prove mine is a one of a kind. God – and my baths used to only be about Calgon. You’ve all warped me forever with this cootie business. So there – number #1 that is taking over my life – is Lesson 102.

Number #2 is a goal check. I’m getting a little nervous. Goal for March was 60 miles – I’m at 43.2. Calorie goal burn was 8000 – I’m at 5263. Time workout goal was 20 hours – I’m at 11.5 hours. The mathmetician in me has divided the numbers by the number of days left in March and I can meet these goals….but how bad do I want to is a whole other blog.

The third number ruling my life – or actually not ruling my life – is 9 more days until I can weigh in. If you all remember I made a promise 9 days ago I wouldn’t weigh in until April 1st to try to break my scale addiction. Now – on one hand I’m itching to get on that scale cuz ever since then I’ve had some darn good days BUT I also entered a weight loss competition at work that begins April 1st so on that same day I can weigh again – I have to do it in front of a co-worker and while I have balls of steel – that thought almost makes me pee my pants a little and hop on one leg for a second – cuz it’s such an insane thought. (Holy run-on sentence Batman!)

Which bring me to the fourth number haunting me – the weight loss competition is all about losing 5% of your weight. If I hit my goal on April 1st of 161.5 – I have to lose a little over 8 lbs by June 30th. 8 pounds in 3 months – not bad – but this close to goal I’m just not sure. I’m frightened….where the hell is my Auntie Em when I need her? She always saved Dorothy’s ass.

And okay – the last final number – that honestly doesn’t mean crap to me – that would have before……..is proof I am growing as a person. Okay….touchy subject but I’m throwing it out there. I think I lost two followers. Well I know cuz as I mentioned I’m anal, OCD and obsessed with my followers and two are gone. NOW – the trick here is that normally I’m not kidding – I probably would have contacted them and asked what did I do wrong, why don’t you like me and what can I do to make you love me forever? Never mind they are virtual strangers I will never meet – my inquiring mind would want to know so I could fix what they thought was wrong - you know – like it mattered.

Today – I don’t give a rat’s azz. For freaking real – this is monumental. Someone doesn’t like me (*gasp *shock I know) and I don’t care. I mean I actually don’t blame them. (I am surprised they resisted my brainwashing) I of course wonder what turned them off – was it the constant fah-gina references, Frank the booger, me constantly throwing things at my husband, my fat baby’s azz, my headless body pictures, my incessant need to say the word whore, plethora, fark, etc.? Is it that if you find my blog you instantly think I’m mental because I am me, Drazil and Sheniqua? Not sure.

Some of you may be thinking this is such a non-thing in my thing-based world but there’s symbolism behind it for me. I’m all about finding meanings in EVERYTHING these days. I’ve always been all about being a doormat – just so there wasn’t conflict or just so someone would like me…I’m all over taking things personally you know? But man – there’s so much hurt and internal drama involved in feeling that way and doing that. It’s just not so worth it anymore. I am a MAMA PIMP now – hear me roar or hit you with my stick or whatever it is Mama Pimps do besides give out frilly ho-bag awards.

Anywho – do you guys notice when a follower drops off? Do you care? Do you know who it is? Do you wonder why? I so would have before and now – meh – my followers I have now are loyal and supportive and encouraging and our love is mutual…if you can’t find it in yourself to be that for me so I can be that for you – then drop off my list…..for both our sakes…..mmmmkkkkaaayyy? (I was only kidding – please don’t leave me – I’ll never recover – I need all my ho-bags….oh God what have I done?)

If need be, I can make Drazil and Sheniqu beg you to stay……..I’m not above that.

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣


Jennifer said...

Good Morning!
I'm so proud of you.
I would wonder why but like you said, it's OK - we can't please everyone & these blogs are for us.
I wish they would send an e-mail when we get a new follower. It's exciting! I want bells and whistles.
Don't stress about the cream..it's all gonna be OK! lol

kagead said...

I feel your pain on the followers thing. I have a very small but mighty group and recently lost two. Sniff, sniff. :(

Just wait until you have 1,000,000 followers and you reign over all of blogland. Then they'll be sorry.

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

I am a follower whore too! I check to see how many ect ect...I have lost followers and honestly its the first time I don't give a crap :) And I agree with Jenny! Big Loves

Amy W. said...

Um....this might sound bad...but I never notice if I lose a follower. I never pay attention to the numbers changing...

I learned a long time ago that sometime I am just toooo much for some people. And that's okay. Sometime I am too much for myself :) But that is the great thing about blogland, you can choose who you read.

I DO notice if one of my blog friends hasnt been commenting on my blog and then I wonder if they are bored with me and dont like me anymore.

Kristen said...

bring it on girl ..i love to laugh and that's what keeps me coming back to read more.

so keep it up!

no really..keep it up or i'll have to un-follow you..

i kid i kid!! :)

maybe! ;)

Gilly said...

meh...vagina talk isn't for everyone. However, I'm a huge fan! Well...maybe not a huge FAN...but I like to know what's going on down there for everyone else...so I know I'm doing ok down there...you know what I'm saying...ok...stopping typing now...

Jen said...

Yes... I notice when a follower leaves. I actually try and figure out who it was... I haven't be successful... if I was - I would email them and ask!!!!

Carmen said...


i'm obsessed with making sure i'm following all my followers. but it bothers me that you can't always get to their blogs...and it bothers me that some I follow don't follow me or if they do..why don't they EVER comment? are my blogs not good enough? but then again...oh well! :-)

Amy W. said...

Pookie, I wasnt talking about you silly girl! See, what happens is once you reach the upper tier of blog friends, it is okay NOT to comment on every blog post of your blog besties. I knew you were reading and its okay if you dont comment everytime! I know you still love me!

Drazil said...

Jenny - totally - I wish we'd get an email - it's so fun! I wish there was a constant comment board streaming so we could all chat and see what others wrote - how many of us forget to go back and check if someone commented back to us in a comment??
Carmen - OMG - meeee too! I want to follow my followers but I can't always find their blogs. It annoys me to no end. I'm always afraid my profile is set up wrong and you can't find mine if you clicked on me. I need to have Jenny check that for me.
Amy W - whew - I have been slacking lately though. Comments make MY day and I need to remember it makes others feel the same. I went all OCD the other day and now I follow like a zillion more weight loss blogs I found and now I'm overwhelmed, so I read more and comment less and it should be the other way around. I agree though - I know other people who notice when others they've come to rely on don't comment.....smooches Cupcake.

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

I use google analytics, and it's fascinating to see where the referrals come from.

I checked your profile, and not only can I email, but I can get to your blog twice. THat's fabulous.

There are a lot of things you can do to increase your followers. Most of which can be summed up by whootenanny. But, some people might be following you in Google Reader, where it wouldn't show. Or there are a dozen other possibilities. You're doing great.

I have a hard time finding balance between following/reading/commenting. It's really difficult.

BanderificBeauty said...

There must have been something going on in their lives where they had to delete. I mean really who would want to leave your blog? You have made me feel better about talking about whootanannys. I have come to find out I can open up more then I thought lol :) Dont worry about losing followers cause they may just not do blogging anymore. If I lose people they are just lost because I will always be me. Cant please everyone all of the time :)

LDswims said...

I lost a follower yesterday and it made me very sad. Especially since I think I know who it was and I really like that person! But I know what I did wrong yesterday, too, and wish I could just undo it cause it so wasn't worth it!

I don't think you can say you beat the scale addiction if you are just passing time until you get on the scale. :) Give it up. You know you are a scale whore. It's ok! We (I) will love you anyway!

I'm glad to be all caught up again. I missed all the blogs this weekend!