Saturday, April 24, 2010

Bursting bubbles and whootananny spas too.....

Just in case you all have these visions in your head of me being nice, thoughtful, compassionate or in general a good person....I thought I should post this....TO BURST YOUR FREAKING BUBBLE.

First off I told my husband he could not buy a turkey blind.  Duh. Ridiculous.  Who the hell uses family budget money for a tent to put in the woods so a turkey won't see you?  NOT US.

Five minutes later I ordered 2 shirts and 2 bikinis online for the Chicago trip.  Wow.  Can anyone spell hypocrite?  Oh and that's was five minutes after he told me he took the Chicago days off of work so he can stay home and watch our kids.  I swear to God he's the male version of Mary Poppins.  He swoops in on his umbrella leaving rainbows in his path....even as I try my hardest to suck the life out of him.

Okay and...a woman offered to wash all my windows for me yesterday.  For free.  I said no.

What I really meant is that my MOM offered to wash all my windows for me and that means there's always a cost.  I stood there - a grown 35 year old woman - and said with a serious face, "Dirty windows don't bother me, I don't stand around looking out my windows, when I don't have 3 jobs and little kids then I'll have clean windows but right now I have better things to do."

I said those exact words.  I'm not kidding.

I lied because she wasn't trying to help.  She hates my dirty windows because they reflect badly on how she taught me to be as a housewife.  So the fact that I don't drown daily with the list of things on my plate and of all the things I accomplish well - all she sees - are dirty windows.  Nice.

Oh and on the whootananny front...let me say I have figured it all out.  I'm just a slow learner.  I used the MSP (magic shave powder).  I was the only one in the house.  Things go much smoother that way (nice pun huh?).  You should have seen me.  I had a drink.  I had chips and salsa.  I had a book.  I had the radio on loud.  It was like I was in the most expensive spa in the world.  Pretty soon they'll make a reality show of my life - cuz it's so damn glamorous. 

At one point I forgot my book so I was walking around in the kitchen with MSP smeared all over me - feeling like the Queen of Sheba.  Can you imagine?  I caught a glimpse of myself - all tattooed up, naked with white crap smeared all over me - and I laughed out loud.  Good times.

I literally sat there and thought - oh my bloggie girls would be so proud of me.  I thought of turkey necks (Amy W), ass jingles (Gilly) and even China (BandBabe).  Again - little creepy that I'm all up in the whootananny and thinking of you all but it's impossible not to.  Live with it.  I've learned to.

Okay so there - I suckola.  You've been warned.  I am not this incredible gumdrop farting woman you thought I was.  But if you don't mind....can we just keep pretending I am?  It's just easier that way....for everyone involved. 

Plus if you don't do what I ask - I'll use my gerbil voodoo on you.  And trust me - you don't want that. 

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣


Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Thanks for making me laugh....again! I love reading your blog. I can't wait to meet you!

Fiona said...

ha ha now I have a mental picture that I cant get out of my head lol. Thanks for being sssooo descriptive, love your blog.

Kim said...

Wow...I needed that laugh this morning!! I really hope I get to come to Chicago to meet you :)

Carmen said...

that is quite a visual!!! oh and thanks for the serious craving for chips & salsa!! oxoxx

Gilly said...

Thank god you gave me the vagina update...I was SO concerned that you were getting stubbly down there!

Wait...bikinis for Chicago?? Say WHAAAA????? Do I need a bikini for Chicago? Is there a swimsuit competition? Because I am happy to win Miss Congeniality.

Sandy Lee said...

Gilly's right. Who's wearing bikinis. Is this something you will all spring on us a week before our "conference". And who buys clothes 5 months before a trip? Are you packed yet?

I think it would have been so cool if you had powdered up and washed your windows while you waited. BTW, I don't do windows very often so would never volunteer to do another person's windows.

My verification word is "wingie". Wonder if that applies :-) Smooches back at you.

Jenny said...

Love the part about you walking around with the MSP on!

Band-Babe said...

Sounds like a good time to me. Isn't it weird the things you think about now that you're blogging. It's pervasive, sometimes in a scary way. Usually just funny, though.

I am so frustrated by this swelling. I wore jeans today that were super loose before my surgery, and could barely button them this morning. Granted everything is flat, but UGH! I know I'm just being impatient, so I appreciate you just letting me bitch.

Girl Bandit said...

I am trying so hard to catch up on all your posts. Why do I need a swimsuit for Chicago????

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

My Mom is the same way... everything comes with a price & she is obsessed with how my actions reflect on her. I'll happily live with dirty windows too! :-)

You're already buying clothes for Chicago? Now I don't feel so bad for looking at luggage, lol. Hopefully, I will be able to buy smaller clothes for the trip. Wait, I WILL buy smaller clothes for the trip! Are we still the only band-less BOOBS?

Amy W. said...

First of all, I think that I am going to call bullshit. See...I have access to your best friend and she tells me how sweet you are. And then I KNOW you are sweet and don't try to fool me.


You think of me when you are naked?

Thats hot.


Diz said...

Damn girl....maybe I want to know about this white stuff you're talking about...sounds like something I might be in to. I'm a product junkie you know...

Sounds like you're having fun, which is what counts. :) Love you!!!


JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

You are the sweetest lady ever. It has a great deal to do with the gumdrop trail you leave behind you everywhere you go. But, I think that trail might be your comments, not your farts.

I agree completely with rejecting windows. I told Hubbend, "I am perfectly willing to clean up after myself. It just might not be according to their schedule. If their anxiety is going to force them to clean up after me and then give me the stink eye for days. THAT'S NOT THE KIND OF HELP I NEED!!!"

I have a couple volunteers wanting to come help me. The jury is still out.

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

Funny stuff. I never believed that crap about the gum drops anyway. Or about gum drop crap. Whatever.

The CilleyGirl said...

'Kay, with "whootananny" in the title, I totally thought you were talking about something else when you said "turkey blind". Actually, I thought you said "turkey bind" and I had this really inappropriate picture of you trussed up all naked with those little paper chef hats on your feet.... My eyes, my innocent virgin eyes....