Sunday, April 18, 2010

The Child in Me vs. The Woman in Me....

The real reason I got out my poetry was this...my Grandmother died of cancer years ago in April.  Here's one for her...


As I stand before you, focusing & listening to you repeating the doctors ugly words...
The child in me wants to run away, desperately praying it's all a lie.
The woman in me knows it's the truth & part of me simply wants to die.

You repeat the diagnosis for those of us who didn't believe it the first time...
The child in me didn't hear you again for I know no such disease.
The woman in me knows this is a death sentence and falls to my knees.

Weeks go by and you slowly falter.  Cancer has indeed taken over....
The child in me refuses to see your paleness and frailty - for it simply isn't there.
The woman in me wonders how will I do this?  Will it become to much for me to bear?

Now it's been months - you no longer walk, eat or even open your eyes...
The child in me won't go near you - I can't even begin to understand.
The woman in me medicates you, goes through the motions and I sit and hold your hand.

In a few days they tell us you will die and this time we have to believe them...
The child in me begins to believe in angels and prays there is a heaven.
The woman in me believes this is the most painful battle I'll ever be in.

Your life has ended - turns out they were right...nothing can change that now...
The child in me attends a funeral and a wake, wondering what all these ceremonies are for?
The woman in me can't sleep or eat - cancer & your death have shaken me to the very core.

Now we must go through your things and pretend to everyone we're really okay...
The child in me IS okay for I can see you with God..I even watched him fit you for your halo.
The woman in me knows I need to listen to the child in me or I'll never be able to let you go.



♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

15 comments:

Band-Babe said...

That is some deep poetry, my dear friend. I really relate to the one about your brother. I think we are very much alike in some ways. Once again, it's about a different family member, but the thoughts and feelings are the exact same. I guess that's part of what makes poetry so beutiful, when you touch a place in someones heart that the person thought was well hidden. You are very gifted.

Barbara said...

Drazil.. what a wonderful memorial to your grandmother.. not knowing her(or you) it is evident she touched your life deeply. I happen to have a common deep despise for cancer.. which we call the beast in my household... we hear the word cancer bantered about BUT to witness the suffering as you have... well let's just say it has touched my heart deeply.. but what a beautiful tribute you have written and the struggle to process it all.. thank you for that..

sdh5463 said...

Drazil, OMG! all I can say is this one about your grandmother has touched my very soul. My MOTHER passed 5 years ago not in April but in October. This so made me cry and remember how I felt that day! She was my best friend. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this with us!

P.S. Can you delete the follower you have "Sandy Hamilton-Ziegler" it's me. I did that before I knew how to follow someone correctly!

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

The fourth family funeral in 14 months is on Tuesday. I really appreciate this! THanks for sharing.

Jacquie said...

That was just beautiful.

Leslee said...

Wow... You are remarkably talented and able to express yourself so well through words (not just the blogging kind either), it must feel good to put that kind of stuff down on paper.

Carmen said...

i will be perfectly honest, i only read the first sentence or two...because that was all i COULD read...normally i have a hard time handling things (movies stories etc) about cancer (that is what my mom died from) and today i am really low...so to save what is left of my weak grasp on my strength today i couldn't read it...but i know it was beautifully heartwrenching based on your other ones
xoxo
and here comes my defense mechanism, my verification word was "POOFREW" lol

Sandy Lee said...

This was just lovely. You have a special talent and know it must bring you some happiness.

Your other posts also were from the heart.

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

besutiful girl. just beautiful

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

So glad you shared this... and even more glad that you didn't post it last month when I was cursing the cancer that took my dad from me. Your ability to capture these heartbreaking moments is amazing... and is making me cry again, so I must run for a tissue.

Katie J said...

I am sitting here in tears at work. How eloquently spoken and so very true. I love you girl.

LDswims said...

Beautiful and eloquent. That captured me with my mom and her (our) battle with cancer, too. Thank you for sharing.

DawnB said...

Beautiful & Sad at the same time. Don't you feel a release when you write your poetry - an outlet for all the bad feelings?

Fiona said...

Thank you for such a beautiful poem. You have written down exactly how many of us touched by cancer have felt. Its truly beautiful x

Girl Bandit said...

Wow...your poems are deep and beautiful...thanks for sharing