Monday, April 26, 2010

Corn poop, BFE and ego bruising.. (yah that's right...I said corn poop)....

Explosive Man isn’t here yet – so I have nothing to write about. I worry that some day EM might figure out it’s not normal to explode in a toilet 60 times a day and make noises a grizzly bear can’t even make – and he’ll go to the doctor and they’ll prescribe him a cork and I won’t have anything to write about anymore. What will I do then? Will you still follow me? It’s a fear of mine – I can’t help it.

Also – in this deviant brain of mine – not very nice thoughts circulate often. Like for example this morning – I had to screech on the brakes so a deer didn’t run into me. And let me just say – how dumb of a species do you have to be to run INTO a moving car? I mean even without a brain you have to know that running INTO something that is whizzing by at 60mph probably won’t end well right? Jesus. Okay – right after that – I was traveling on the BFE (Butt F*ck Egypt) backroads to my sitter’s house which is also like driving on a rollercoaster and a dude almost hit me head on driving on my side of the road.

Anyone want to guess my first reaction?

Anger you say? That’d be normal – so no – that wasn’t it.
Rage you say because my kids were in the car and he could have hurt them?
Laughter because on BFE roads we all drive on the wrong side thinking no one else would be dumb enough to be on this road too?
Relief that he didn’t hit me?

Nope. None of the above. I. Me. Selfish girl. Thought to myself. “I wish he would have hit me.”

We were only going 35-ish. I would have a few scrapes. My girls would have been fine. But I could have had the day off work and for a good solid two days I would have had someone take care of me. Can you imagine?

Who in their ever-loving mind wishes for a car accident? I was in my mind even thinking wow – I’d have to call the hubby at the prison – which is a big deal. He doesn’t work in the kind of place where you just call him to chat you know? I’m sick. Sick I tell you. And apparently tired and wanting a day off.

So now I get it – the deer is smart….and tired. He doesn’t want to die by running into my car. He just wants a day off with a few scrapes. I am the deer.

Did you hit the un-follow button yet? Drazil is psycho – we’ve been over this – you can’t really be shocked can you?

Moving on - in the fitness/diet arena I got a lovely little blaring reminder to get off my fat baby’s ass – and I better do it soon. I got the lab work reminder from my doctor’s office – in about a month. Oh shitaki. Sometimes I forget I’m not losing weight just cuz I’m vain and I want to look like Pamela Anderson (except I’d have brains too)….there are actually medical reasons. High blood pressure and high cholesterol. My highest weight was 226 and today I sit at 163. 63 pounds later and still medical crap going on. I hate hereditary. I hate BP meds even more. So onward and downward. When I had my tummy tuck I was 153 and I was suddenly fine – so another 10 pounds and I should be good. Does it matter that at 153 I want to walk around eating my own arm off? No. Apparently not. Suck it up pansy ass. Lose the 10 pounds.

Did I ever tell you guys that this year I meet my husband’s entire extended family for the FIRST time? Yup – been with him 20 years – never met about 90% of them. They live in BFE I mentioned above. It’s time though. And there’s a swimming pool involved. So the first time they meet me they will also get the benefit of seeing me in a bikini – all tattooed and belly button ringed up. Great. I wonder how many will pull my husband secretly aside and give him the whole “what the hell were you thinking when you married that?” talk. To say I’m nervous is the understatement of the year. So I’m thinking of getting another tattoo and buying a g-string bikini so the cheesecurds on my ass really show. If they’re gonna talk I might as well give them something to really talk about you know?

Anywhooozle – this is why I will be sporting a bikini in September. If I can do it in front of complete family strangers and father in laws and brother in laws who make me want to shart myself – well damn – I’m doing it with you girls who say you love me even when genetics aren’t involved. It’s a goal. I want to meet it. And I will. Never mind that I’ll be wearing a cover-up OVER the bikini….I think I forgot to mention that huh?

Anyone else set September goals?

Oh and a gigantic little bruise to my ego this weekend. My daughter announced it’s Parent Career Day in her class so parents are encouraged to come talk about what they do. I’m jealous of my husband. I told you I was psycho. This man has seen inmates smear feces on walls and pick corn out of it and eat it. No lie. True story. And I’m jealous????? Yes.

Can you imagine telling a bunch of 9 year olds that? Their eyes would be big as saucers and they’d probably hurl but oh they’d be intrigued wouldn’t they? Gang leaders, handcuffs, tear gas, weapons…..all major wow factors to 9 year olds.

Me? Oh yes – let’s sit and tell children about the sheer joy that comes from making a spreadsheet. Let’s tell the kids about how nearly orgasmic balancing payments to the penny is. Who needs gang leaders when you have Excel? And calculators and mechanical pencils. I mean they’ll be on the edge of their seats….nodding off, falling asleep and drooling with boredom. Your mom is an Accountant – and she kicks ass at it – but talking about it will only damage your brain so let’s not go there. Ego officially bruised. I will NOT be going to career day. I will not subject anyone to that. I love my job but come on – at 9 yrs old would you have wanted to listen to some woman tell you she has orgasms when 2+2 really equals 4 every time!? I think not.

I could tell them in my off time I’m a mom who cleans up puke and poop, farts gumdrops and sits in bathtubs eating chips and salsa while I get my whootananny smooth. Think they’d run from the room screaming? I don’t think I’d get invited back. 

They want to hear about corn poop. Or boogers.  9 year olds love to giggle about boogers.  Who doesn’t right?

I told you – my life revolves around poop. I wasn’t kidding.


*~D~* said...

So I laughed through quite a bit of this then almost gagged at the corn poop!
And I get the deer thing...only I really did get hit on my way to work...and still had to go in!

Beth said...

So I probably shouldn't have been eating breakfast as I was reading this blog this morning, I cannot believe that anyone would do that, I'm officially mortified!
Oh yeah, and take a day off, you clearly need it!!!!!

Nora said...

I'm SO glad someone else wishes for minor car accidents for a day off. Its nice to hear I'm not the only (crazy) one. ahhh. Crazy loves company!

Gilly said...

Your deer story made me think of this from my favourite comedian Louis C.K. He rocks! Seriously watch it...funny!!

Chele said...

Yeah, I've done that too, wished for an accident! Few days car!

Sandy Lee said...

And I thought I wouldn't be able to eat corn anymore because of the band. Doesn't appeal to me now that I read this. My daughter hit a deer with her car and it died. Would you want to be responsible for a death?

I am so sorry you won't get to display all those Spreadsheets so beautifully to the 9 year olds. They should be impressed but then you also hope they will never ever get to see your hubby in the actual work situation, so maybe it is best to scare the cr@p out of them now to keep them out of prison. I bet they do their homework that night.

But hey-I'm married to an accountant and they can be pretty sexy sometimes. Just ask your hubby. And I get my tax return done for free!

Fiona said...

My daughter told me that the reason corn appears in poop whole when you know you chewed it, is because the outer shell is not digestable and fills up with poop on its way out. So the corn they are eating from the poop is actually just conviently packaged poop. God I'm gagging writing this! Either way I am NEVER eating corn again. yuck. Gotta go, I think the shake I just had is coming back ...............

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Dear God, eating corn out of poop? Ewwww! Thanks for the daily giggle!

Dirttrackdiva said...

as one of your most loyal ho bags i must say......calm the fuck down!!! lol *dodges swing from pimp stick* deep breaths my friend, deep breaths. so sorry that you're having a life crammed full of crap. i totally feel ya there. it's been pretty "shitabulous" here too.
i have also been the deer. smooches love. hope you feel better.
ps~did you get my email?

MIMI said...

That's funny, I know all about those BFE roads. And, no haven't been to OZZFEST yet. That would be awesome to go though.

Amy W. said...

You know, totally random thought but I know you will understand. I ate 2 ears of corn this weekend and I havent pooped yet! Can you imagine what is going on in there?

Also....poor deer. Notice I said deer and not dear! I am glad little bambi lived to see another day.

I am hungry right now.

Also, have you ever posted on here what you eat? You know, since you walk amongst us...maybe we could learn from someone who is doing it sans band.

Loves you hunny!

And just so you know, anyone who can work in Excel is my hero!

Carmen said...

ummm....i <3 you

Jenny said...

lol, gangs vs. spreadsheets. You could tell them you are a secret super hero. That would win you some points!

Angelia said...

If our insurance paid for the damage, I'd totally be praying for it. Nothin' wrong with a new paint job. Nothin' at all. God knows I could use a day off work and a little pampering too!

LDswims said...

Sheesh...if you want the day off...take the day off! No need to get sick/hurt/lose a loved one to say you need a "mental day". And if it saves a few deer and stops head on colisions (which would be VERY painful at 35mph, by the way, just ask me, I know!) then it's a truly beneficial "mental day". Ok..I know...bad influence. I was doing it in pre-school getting my friends out of their naps. I'll keep doing it, too - cause I'm me!

Love you, girl - if you need time - take the time. When you need time...and you don't take leads to bad things. Be pro-active not re-active, I say.

Does it sound good yet?

As for poop and corn...dang...I hate corn.

And spreadsheets. I love spreadsheets. You might be surprised how many 9 yo's love spreadsheets, too! Or they should learn. Teach 'em sooner, I say. If you can master excel - or even just get a hang of it - the whole world is at your beck and call. YOU ROCK!

Love ya, Girl!

Sarah said...

I am seriously LOLing at the loving spreadsheets. I'm with you girl - and I'm not even an accountant! If I could do all my HR work in Excel, well, 'nuff said... And in my world (HR) I look REALLY (I mean really) smart that I know how to use the formula functions... it's a sad world.

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

dRAZIL YOUR A TRIP AND NEVER YET STOPPED AMAZING ME! Your hystercal girl. My September goal is to be 20 lbs lighter than where I am today and hopefully that also means a size or two down in the clothes!

Bonnie said...

I've done worse then think about a car crash. A few years ago I was in a job I HATED and started thinking seriouly about having a third child so I could take the time off work. I didn't do it, but thought pretty hard.

Julie said...

I will have to admit that when you have reached the "I wish I could be a deer" point you indeed desperately need a day off.