Thursday, April 15, 2010

Desperation and hives gone. Plain old craziness has reappeared.

It’s a list-y kind of day – yippee!

1 – Um yah – last night's post proved I'm crazy.  I'm okay with that.  You were bound to find out some time.  You all think I was kidding about the 199 follower number driving me nuts. I don’t think I was. I wish I was but it was stuck there soooo long it was taunting me. Actually Drazil was being an ass…and then there was the un-follower who played with my mind. Draz kept saying to me, “No one really likes you, these follower numbers are a lie, no one reads this, you’ll never get more followers than this ugly number 199, why do you care you shallow human being and on and on.” And I listened to Drazil, panicked and then enlisted your help with a post I’m not real proud of. Seriously who begs for followers for no good reason – um – yah – me – selfish me. There’s a few people who commented on that post and said they need more followers so if you’re so inclined – check them out and follow! God knows I owe them!

2 – Regarding our little September trip – holy shit can you say EXCITED? I haven’t had something this big to look forward to since God knows when. I can’t imagine meeting you and the planning team is cooking up some really cool stuff for us all. We are actually a legit group if I do say so myself – lol. I wonder about t-shirts with BOOBS splashed across them but it’s all part of our perverted charm huh? It’s better than my idea of BYOCC – Bring Your Own Craziness Crew. Boobs is so like this secret group – you can’t get in – unless you have ‘em. LOVE it.

3 – I think it was Steph who said we should all get waxed that weekend in the nether regions cuz she can’t do it alone and needs encouragement and then another person thought she meant all of us go in together – like in the same room. I was dying laughing because I had sent Jenny an email long ago saying when we get to goal we were doing it together and taking pics. Jenny thought I meant in the same room, pics of the whootananny – and I nearly died. I meant pics of us going in the door – laughing and out the door – crying in pain. Too funny. Can you imagine the salon’s faces when say 30 or so of us with hairy trolls showed up and formed a line to the waxer woman? With cameras?

4 – New mystery at work. Explosive Man is not at work lately. Remember how I figured out he is the toiler-lid-leaver-upper? Well he is. BUT – so is someone else. THERE ARE TWO OF THEM. I cannot figure out the culprit. I’m about to install cameras….ewww….no better not. I go in there to pee and I slam that sucker down so everyone hears it and then I pee all over it just to piss them off.

5 – Accountability paragraph. I’m so going to make my goals. I had a rough start – pastel Easter candy kicked my arse for a week but no more. I’m at 7 days of 14 for workouts, 19.5 miles out 60 goal, 2242 cals out of 7000 goal, and 5.7 hours out of 15 goal. I will do this. I have no doubt.

6 – Where I live there is this place – with 265 steps – outside. Every year – once a week we climb it with a bunch of people at work. Last year my record was 12 times in a row which is 6360 steps. It’s time to start that again but I’m scared I don’t have the stamina. I’d like to beat my record and do 13 – 6890 steps - but wow. Think I can do it? Please lie and say yes even if you think I can’t. Thank you.

7 – I told hubby last night that I told every one of you about his “gas”. I told him that Amy W said that Tracey has been encouraged to find an ER in case something actually died up his rear. I told him that LDswims has had to hang her head out a car window like a dog. I told him Gilly makes her hubby sleep on the couch (and of course warned him I could do the same). I told him Larissa has had to eat her hubby’s farts. I told him Bella’s man keeps them in for 5 years…or it smells like it anyway. I told him Carmen actually gets dry heaves.

He laughed – so hard I thought he might die. Like now he’s famous – and his head swelled with pride. I’ve created a monster.

He said, “Man you gotta admit that was so good I should have bottled it and put it on a shelf. No bowling or hunting trophies for me. Nope – when people come over I’m gonna show them that bottle and say, “that’s the stank that knocked my wife out with one whiff.” I rock.”

WHAT – did you just say that out loud? Are we seriously having a meaningful conversation about your ass emissions? THIS has become my life.

He proceeded to say, “I was only purging my temple.” Like if he makes it about his health I’ll let it slide. I love that man so much I hate him. LOL

8 – For our September trip I am buying a hot new dress – one I’d never wear anywhere around here cuz if I did every person in this small town would immediately think I am having a mid-life crisis and start a rumor that I’m banging a 19 year old stripper. It’s kinda hoochie-like but in Chicago with the rest of you whores hotties I’ll fit right in. And yes Band Babe – I plan to buy hot pink “panties” to go under it and if you’re lucky I’ll tell you where I bought them.

Peace out ho-bags….me love you long time!

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣


Stephanie said...

So is it looking like the trip is in September? Way cool!! Thanks for the clarification on the waxing...I was the one who thought she was talking about one big group going in. Yes, I am a total dork. :)

Honestly though, my husband's farts smell so bad it burns the nostrils. And he just laughs and laughs when he does it.

tessierose said...

One time at band camp I met a girl just like you....not really but it sounded good. I can't wait to meet all these crazy blog women. BTW you know you'll be outed for good in September, we are all gonna have pictures with the illusive Drazil and post them all over blog land!

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

I am sooo excited for you guys to have a trip in september! As for inflating your husbands head you now created a monster .....hehe have a great day lovey

Chele said...

Jeez, I love to read your blog! Where else can you read about farts and cooter waxing and 19 year old strippers all in one place?

Crazy pregnant lady's baby daddy farted in my car on the way home from bowling Saturday night. We had to pull over and get out of the car...I'm not even kidding. It was like a dead animal lived in his ass...It was the most putrid smell ever!

Sandy Lee said...

I can't wait for September either. I posted this morning that we are all gonna lose tons of weight because we don't want any of us thinking us are fat chicks. I'll have to think about the dress. Matronly is what describes most of mine-although I don't wear dresses. Thanks for the morning laugh again by new daughter.

Later Never Exists said...

HAAHAHAHAHAH I was laughing yesterday about "the gas" until I cried and then did it again today when you were talking about how proud your hubby is.

Luckily I lack a sense of smell, but then that makes guys think its even cooler to have "the gas" around me because I can't smeall it.

My nose isn't completely broken, so sometimes it sneaks up, but SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!

Keep on rockin', Mama Pimp!

And YES you can totally do 13 trips on those steps because... you're the Pimp of course!!!!! Now, the real challenge would be doing it in your hot ass dress with pink panties!

Jenny said...

You will probably be able to do more steps than you think! You're doing great with your goals.

I cannot wait for September! Glad it wasn't June because now I have more time to save-and prep the DH!! He thinks I make you all up!

Kim said...

Draz - It was ME! ME! I mentioned going and getting our hoo-ha's waxed! And no, I did NOT mean together. I was thinking some experienced waxer could per her arms around me and encourage me as I walked up to the door, and then maybe slap my ass and tell me I CAN DO IT! on the way in. I don't want her watching me, I just want her to tell me that if I'm brave, everything will be ok.

That's all.

DawnB said...

I read your ENTIRE blog the other night. You made me laugh, you made me cry, you made me reconnect with my own feelings, thoughts & ideas....I just love you girlfriend. Keep 'em coming!

Band-Babe said...

Hey!?!? What's wrong with a midlife crisis and banging 19 year old strippers? That's what I did for my 40th b-day in January! Well, minus the actual "banging" part. I say... live it loud, live it proud! Dear friend, if you're going for a lingerie show down in September... YOU'RE ON! Just ignore the cottage cheese on my thighs. And all the surgical scars. And any other various lumps and bumps. Other than that, I'll be hot. And, I'm going to start looking for hot pink sets like yesterday!

Joey said...

But 13 is an odd number, so you better do the stairs 14 times.

Yay for September!

Leslie said...

Crazy = Entertainment in my part of the world. Your follower obsession made me laugh. I posted about that awhile back - and here you go started blogging January 10 and have 201 followers. I started June 2009 and have 84. I think I'm damn entertaining, and funny, btw. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--only 84 followers for me. I used to go whoring for them, but have finally decided the universe is off axis and many of my followers are getting routed to others.

You are utterly hilarious. I was thinking as I read today you would have been fun to drink with, back when I was a sloshed active alky. Maybe that's my problem...too sober. Never! I love it. Anyhoo - thanks for always great yuks.

Nora said...

Hairy Trolls. Totally tucking that in my back pocket for use at a later date. ;)

The CilleyGirl said...

No cameras for the troll waxing -- it should totally be video (for the sound, baybee!!).

And I'm starting to believe that not only did your mom marry my dad, you may have married my college boyfriend! (and I'm so happy to be single, I could breathe nice, unpolluted air)

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

Yay for September! I can do that for sure! :)

Cleansing his temple? LMAO, I about fell off my chair when I read that. I still say you're married to my husband's long lost twin, lol.

About the BOOBS shirts... I have a pink t-shirt that says "untamed tatas" across the front. Whenever I wear it, the old men look at it and snicker & the old ladies look at me with daggers shooting from their eyes. I feel like I should wear a hidden camera to capture their looks. Its great fun!

River said...

1)I'm with Joey. 14 is a better number than 13.
2)Jealous about the meeting
3)Nice that you're improving your communication with hubby
4)I find it extremely normal to obsess about that 199. It would bug the hell out of me too.
5)There is always TWO of them. Just the law of the universe of annoyance.
6)I adore your blog ♥

Band-Babe said...

So, if any guys want to be involved with this (I can't imagine why they would), but my husband just asked me if being a "BOOB supporter" made him a "BRA"... HA HA HA. So we could have BOOBS and BRAS (I'm NOT advocating this).

Jess said...

Gah you crack me up! I got your comment and I think Chicago would be alot of fun if it were to become possible. I have limited vacation days left at work and not sure if I'll have the $$$ moolah then. We shall see..also how in the sam hell do you read so fast? I hit submit on my last post and literally like 2 minutes later you had commented! I was like holy hell that was scary! You're just that good. Super pimp! hehehe

Southern Belle said...

#1 you can do 13, no worries I am sure your stamina is off the charts this time

#2 The neighbors just heard me laughing at your husband..."purging my temple" seriously? oh my gosh, keeping this post on the desktop so the BF can see it...

Brooke said...

Bwahahahaa we have an exploding ass man at my office, too. He uses different stalls every time (no pattern! WTF?!) and goes at different times but my work husband and I have it narrowed down to 2 candidiates.....

I have to laugh at everyone's husbands'. Mine's a fart saint. I however, am not. I am the farter in our relationship. I feel a lot of glee when I fart. It makes me laugh. It also pisses off my pets. My little shih tzu gets so offended, it's awesome. He stomps off in a huff if I fart when he's on my lap!

Hahahaha count me in for the waxing. Obviously shaving isn't working out for my lady lump.

Girl Bandit said...

Stop talking about Chicagio......please????? I am so damn jealous and I am sure the other Aussies and Irish etc feel left out.....I am of course just being full of sour grapes.....and since I had my whootanamy lazered I couldn't even join in all THAT fun!!!! LOL to your DH...hilarious

Girl Bandit said...

Oh and here is a question for this week's BYOC.....How did you meet your BFF???? I want to know your story with Jen so if your can't use my spill the beans!!!