Monday, April 19, 2010

Hello. My Name is Crabby.

I’ve tried to fart a gumdrop all day….I put my all into it…even gave it a little grunt. And nothing.

So call me Grumpy Care Bear, Grumpy Smurf or simply Bitch of the Day will work. Honest to God – who invented Mondays? Who was it? Probably the same sadistic bastard that invented high heels and pantyhose. Jesus.

I have no reason to be grumpy except that I can’t make a vendor see they are wrong and I am right and it’s driving me insane. The last thing the little twit said to me was “call our customer service”. I said NOPE – I’m done wasting my time with you – tomorrow I switch carriers….yup little Miss suck even more life out of my shitabulous craptastic Monday – you just lost your little business $18,000 a year I used to hand over to you. Can you say stupid? Apparently – she doesn’t know it yet – but her Monday sucks worse than mine.

And this bathroom exploding thing. You know – on a good day – it’s damn funny. I can laugh about it – time him while he’s in there – try to expect the explosive noises and blog about it. Today – on a Monday – it ain’t funny. I literally want to run in there and yell, “CAN’T YOU DO THIS SHIT (LITERALLY) AT HOME LIKE THE REST OF US? WERE YOU BORN IN A BARN MAN?” right before I kick him on the bare shin because his pants are around his ankles. Nice visual huh?

Today though I hit new low – even the peeing is pissing me off. (Better to be pissed off than pissed on I guess right?)

But no – I was by the copier – which is by the bathroom and it is occupied as usual and I hear the peeing. It sounds like an elephant is standing on a cliff peeing into a Tupperware bowl below – it’s that loud.

I do not want to HEAR anyone pee – or any bodily functions – beyond the gas my husband exudes nightly. And then my mind goes nuts – OMG – he’s in there, holding his penis, peeing, in the toilet my hot tanned butt sits on, and he’s not going to wash and he’s going to come out and bump into me with his penis-laden hands. I can’t take it. I can’t.

And you should see Drazil - his little head is spinning around so fast it's not even funny.  Drazil cannot tolerate bodily functions.  He can't understand it....cuz his poo is's like baby green gumdrops.  (See - Mondays drive me to this - talking about lizard poop.)

Some day I’m going to open my own business.

Number one requirement for any male to be hired. He must have a catheter and colostomy poop bag.

The end.

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣


Jenny said...

My "office" is in the storage room/mailroom/fedex room/copy room. I feel your pain.

Fiona said...

Im a bit new to this blogging but I need to read yours more because it had me in stitches. You say it so well. I am the only woman in my office. The men think it is ok to burp, fart and even pick their noses WHILE they are talking to me????? And I mean right up to director level, in fact they are the worst. And they re arrange their balls with their hands INSIDE their pants and dont wash their hands! Oh no you have started me off now. At least Monday is nearly over now phew.
Keep telling it like it is cos I love it xxx

meandmygizmo said...

This cracked me up ~ thanks for turning my Monday around!! ;-)

Carmen said...

don't push too hard! you might POOP a gumdrop :-)

~ Katie ~ said...

So glad that I work with a bunch of women who usually keep their crap to themselves..or at least know how to go to the BFE bathroom so the rest of us dont have to smell it. Hope the rest of Monday isn't so suckalishous

DawnB said...

No No No - I have to set you straight on the colostomy bag thing! Trust me, DO NOT GO THERE. I worked for a family run company a few years back & the owner's mother would show up in our office for ONE REASON - to dump her freaking colostomy bag! How Gross - the office smelled worse than a port-a-potty after Woodstock =;(

Sandy Lee said...

News flash little girl, just to make your day even better. They don't always hold the penis. They just flip it out and let it dangle, then jump up and down til the drips are gone. No hand washing needed.

New visual. Day is almost over. I'm gone now to get me a fill. And then I'll be losing this weight that hasn't budged in 4 weeks. Cheer up, it's almost September!

Gen said...

LOL thanks for the visual during my lunch!!!!! Ewwwwwwww

Jennifer said...

I feel dirty. I think I'm getting OCD from reading this. You are making me even more aware of my disgust with the bathroom functions.

You should drive down tonight so we can walk together!! I'm going to do at least 3 miles tonight. If you leave now you can be here in time. LOL Cheer up buttercup. Everyting gonna be OK!

Amy W. said...

shall i call you on the phone tonight? Would that make you happy? You, me, and jenny can have a three way!

And...pull your mind out of the gutter...I am talking about a phone conversation!

I am sorry you are having a piss poor day (hahah...did you catch the pun).

I loves you

Nora said...

We have 10 new women in the office since January - and one, if not two, of them have shit splatters on the toilet seat. And I'm talking on TOP of the toilet seat. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? And of course, its the first thing I see walking into the stall today.

My coworkers make me want to become a hermit.

But then I escape to reading blogs, and I remind myself not all people are lame.

Cheer up, We could be loud sh*tters at work. :)

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

Hi Crabby, Guess what... I'm crabby too. And, I don't even have a good reason. Mondays should be abolished I'm sure of it!

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Ugh. I used to hate working in an office and my desk was right next to the darn bathroom. Feeling your pain!

McKayla said...

Men can be totally nasty sometimes.
I hope your evening or Tuesday is much better!!

Stephanie said...

Our bathroom echos like a football stadium. When someone has the "sharts" (shit farts) everyone knows about it...

Bonnie said...

Drazil - Thanks for finding my blog and leaving a comment. I am indeed a definite yes for Chicago. I have to admit, I've been hesitant to comeover to your blog. I've seen your name all over other people's posts as in "Drazil made me do it." or "Drazil called me a ho." or "Comment or Drazil will send her homies after you." So, needless to say, I was scared. But, since I will be meeting you in person, I figured I should just suck it up and join the cult that is Drazil. On your topic of the day, my favorite are the women who I assume squat over the toilet because it's just to unsanitary for their pristine asses and then proceed to squirt all over the seat and don't clean up. WTF!?

*~D~* said...

If they're gonna sprinkle when they tinkle they need to be a sweetie and wipe the seatie!

Sorry your day was craptastic...hope Tuesday is tubular! ;)

Brooke said...

BWAHHHHH!!! This was awesome.

But, it's not Tuesday yet, at least not here, it's only 8 pm and do I have an update for you about our exploding ass guy.

Today he exploded in not one but TWO stalls. And on the second explosion he had a "splatter pattern" that could put the most serious axe murderer to shame. This shit, literally mind you, splattered up and out of the toilet seat and onto the metal pipe that goes up and eventually becomes the handle you use to flush. Impressive, no?

We still don't know which of the two suspects it is but I do know it was so impressive that I got not one but THREE emails about it today and I wasn't even at work.

Maybe these exploding ass guys need to up the fibre intake.

Jess said...

Aww cheer up Draz and take comfort in knowing you are not alone in wanting to murder people at work! :) (BTW, in case the FBI might stumble across this comment, no this is not a threat, I am not a murderer in training. It's a joke!) Geesh, anyhoo. I think things will perk up for you!

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