Monday, April 12, 2010

I thought I was a multi-tasker…

…turns out maybe I’m not. While it’s true I’ve done a lot of things this week…all simultaneously….eating right and exercising are not two of them.

I’ve only done a little over 10 miles (goal is 60 miles), burned a little over 1000 cals (goal is 7000) and put in a little over 2.5 hours (goal is 15 hrs). Um yah – I suckola. Well I don’t but my actions do. It appears that I cannot treat my body right while I’m soul searching. And soul searching has definitely been the name of the game lately.

** You don’t have to read on – I just have a little unfinished business to take care of re: my post from this weekend. Just go to the end where I give you my husband’s latest idea of foreplay. **

This soul-searching hasn’t been easy. And when I’m done – I see all your comments and I’m in awe – literally – just shocked (in a good way) at the comments and how they make me feel and the love that is directed to me. But I have to admit part of me is angry at myself for writing it out. I feel the need to defend my father – and that pisses me off – because let’s face it – he never defended me ever. I don’t want anyone to hate him or be mad at him – when why the hell not? He deserves it. Why is it not okay for him to feel bad or be hurt by something I write – when it was completely okay for my life to be hurt by him daily?

And that’s why I’m angry. Angry that I still give a damn about how my writing might hurt him if he actually read it. Angry that I still want to excuse him for his behavior – pretending he only did what he knew and it wasn’t his fault. Well f*ck that – I didn’t know love – how to give it or receive it and I damn well figured it out didn’t I?

I’m just so angry that the thought of HIS feelings about my hurt affect MY healing….

Doesn’t matter – I’m going to say what I have to say anyway so I can have peace. I want you all to know my father wasn’t evil – not a great parent yes – but evil – no. I have some good memories but when I write I revert back to that little girl and all I remember is the pain and hurt. There were some days he noticed me but it was fleeting and there were some nights he even knew he was a father but he was usually drunk. The man was a kid when he had me….but he made a choice and he should have taken it seriously. He never hurt me intentionally – but that doesn’t change that he did now does it?

And his family with their brother committing suicide – I say he was never mentioned again – because in my 15 year old brain – he wasn’t. As an adult looking back I can think of about 5 times that he was mentioned out loud and he’s been dead for 21 years. That’s not enough for me…and so it might as well actually be never….and that’s how it felt at 15. I think in the most private of moments – my uncle was thought of often – and he was mourned and missed….but no one will ever know that. No one ever dared talk about that fact that a 22 year old was in so much pain that he took his own life – and not one person noticed beforehand. No one ever wants to talk about that.

My mom knows today how much his death affected me – and she doesn’t understand it. And maybe I did over-mourn and over-hurt when he died. The thing is now I think I was in so much pain from having an absent father that I took that hurt and put it all into the loss of my Uncle. My baby sister had just been born – I had been replaced even more – and I was mourning the loss of my place in the family and the loss of my father too.

I used to wake up in the morning pissed off – that I survived another night….I wanted to die in the night so I could get to my Uncle…back to the only place where I existed.

But that was then…and I don’t feel that way anymore.

Soooo - alright - back to goals and such – this week is going to be better. I’ve been so nervous about my writings and how it would make me feel that I neglected me and my physical health. I’m still up just two pounds but that’s going to come off this week. I’ve got a plan and though I have more soul-searching to do – it’s all for nothing if I don’t keep healing the physical me as well. They go hand in hand – body and spirit – when one is broken so is the other….and I’m really over being broken. It just doesn’t suit me.

Lastly – newest come-on from the husband. Let’s all remember he works in a prison so the synonyms for “dessert” abound and he brings them all home. Here’s the latest. He seriously said this to me.

“Can I dip my noodle in your love pond tonight?”

My response?

“Sure…but I hear that particular pond is full of piranhas….and they’re a bunch of pasta-loving piranhas if I ever saw any….so go ahead and dip away…if you dare. I can’t guarantee the safety of your noodle if you do it though.”



♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

17 comments:

Holistic Health Coach-Tri Mom said...

Drazil,

Gotta admit that my goals for this week are 1000 calories, 10 miles, and 2.5 hours of exercise...so Im so impressed that you did that, and I so wish you would give yourself credit for all that you do for yourself...no matter how much or little that is for the week. You make me all of us laugh on a daily basis, you provide such love and support to your followers, especially Jenny (im so impressed by your friendship and hope to find a BFF I connect with so well), and you rock!

I am sorry for what you went through when you were younger, and now its over. The hurt and the pain are still there, but you are strong now, you are the person you are because of it, and you can choose to keep going with the story, or you can start fresh. And then keep choosing that daily. Like you normally do...and inspire us to do.

love to you,

Kelly

*~D~* said...

I get it...I do. I haven't talked to my biojerk now in about 3 years. It had been probably been at least that many before the last time. But you know, I felt sorry for him. He just seemed a shell of a man at our last visit. But it's all about choices...the choices he made when I was a kid to be a sucky dad...and the choices I made as an adult not to carry that with me anymore.

*~D~* said...

Forgot to add but in the end, there's still the feeling that "that's my dad" and I'm supposed to love him...even if they don't deserve it and we don't want to.

Jenny said...

I wanna hug you. Don't be so hard on yourself. No matter how you feel, he is still your dad and you are bound to be conflicted a little.

You're doing a great job on all fronts. Don't worry about it.

Southern Belle said...

2 things "I am really over being broken, it just doesn't suit me" I hear ya loud and clear on that one sister.

And "dip my noodle in your love pond" seriously..wow.

Dirttrackdiva said...

sweet, sweet drazil~i think all the soul searching is worth it all. it would be worth even 5 pounds (maybe more) ;) think of what you've learned about yourself! and all the better mother you'll be to your children for learning it. lots of love to you my friend and keep the posts coming.

Band-Babe said...

Your feelings aren't good or bad... they just ARE. Everytime you bring those up, you help yourself reprocess the feelings from those memories. And now as an adult, you are able to process more effectively than when you were a child. Let people love you up, they aren't feeling sorry for you, only helping you to more fully heal. Everyone knows that there are bad parents out there, and from what you've written your dad does not fall in that category. But the majority of them fall somewhere on the spectrum of "idiot parents". And somedays, even the idiot parents move up on that spectrum. I for one, am just trying to stay on the high achieving end of idiot parent!!!

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Drazil no matter what he is still your father and I wouldn't expect any less from an amazing woman to want to love and protect. Its ok. We (well me) are saying that its sad that he screwed himself out of an amazing experiance with you. Sometimes with alot of soul searching excersize and diet can take a back seat. And thats ok. Cause realy mental and physical health are equally important. Its okay not to take the whole world on. take it over continent by continent

Corletta said...

As a therapist, I am totally impressed with all of the deep soul searching that you are doing! Good for you. In my opinion, the only way to heal is to revisit the past. Sounds like you a recreating a new, more helpful, story of your life for yourself. Keep the good work up!

Mike Marlow said...

Ok, now from the pimp perspective: You're ok. Really. It's ok to remember all the screwed up shit from your past, & it's ok to hurt & to cry about it sometimes.

My dad sucked too. He split when I was in kindergarten. Left my mom with 4 kids to raise alone, so he could go marry the woman he'd been screwing around with. He usually didn't get around to paying my mom any child support. We did without a lot. Moved all the time because my mom couldn't pay the bills & we'd get kicked out. I changed schools 16 times in 12 years!

Mom had her issues too. Ever seen the show hoarders? That'd be her. Our house was always a freakin disaster. She didn't teach any of us kids about life. We had no direction, & my brothers & I all wound up in trouble. Prison, drugs...you name it.

My family pretty much puts the fun in dysfunctional. My sister is the only one who turned out ok. She has a good life with a good man. They've been married for 20 years now. But even she has a lot of emotional baggage from our childhood.

I kind of made peace with my dad before he died. He got brain cancer from his job and died at 45. I was 21. My mom dies last month. We weren't close, but we had a chance to talk about things before she died. Part of me wanted to tell her how pissed off I was at both of them for screwing us all up. But I let it go, & told her it was all ok, & that I loved her. At some point, you just have to let shit go, or it'll eat you up.

The older I get, the more I realize that we're all screwed up. I don't know anyone who has a perfect family. Take the good stuff from your past, let the rest go. If you focus on the negative stuff, it'll bring you down & make you negative.

Like you said about your dad - at some point we're all adults and responsible for who & what we are. I was never taught how a man is supposed to act, how to be a husband, or a father. I was never taught even the simple thing that parents are supposed to teach their kids - how to manage money, pay bills, be organized, set goals....be somebody...

But I'm almost grown up now (at 45), I have a beautiful loving wife, a home, a career. I am still trying to learn how to act. Life has been kind of a pain in the ass, but I'm figuring it out. Woulda been nice if I'd had a few more pointers along the way.

Hang in there. Take the best, leave the rest. Make a better world for your kids. You'll make it!

Sandy Lee said...

Hope you'll get some sunshine in your life this week. Or maybe clear the pond of those piranhas!

Brooke said...

Holy shit those weren't goals... they were gozoals!

My Dad is useless and I wrestle with saying that because it's not his fault- he was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia when I was about 4 and spent the next decade or so self-medicating with alcohol (and terrifying everyone around him). Most of the time though, he wasn't around. He'd go off, living on the streets for long stretches or come back to Brooklyn with like 18 dogs he found Alaska and then took with him for a 5 week jaunt across the contintenal united states....

I could convienently blow him off as a non-presence in my life who I could use to put all my frustrations onto for most of childhood and teen years. He was so messed up I had carte blanche on him!

But he's been sober 15 years now, works really hard to stay on track with his meds and tries hard (as hard as he can, he's done some damage over the years, plus his illness, he's not all there anymore) and even still I just can't bring myself to make him a part of my life.

And because of that I feel like a total douchebag sometimes, but most of the time, I cut myself a lot of slack. He did the best he could and I am doing the best I can and right now, that means there isn't much time in my life for him.

I don't know what I'm saying either, except that I totally get being conflicted, wanting a father, yet seeing that as a wasted effort and feeling like I have to defend him but also respect his huge limitations (and mine) at the same time.

The CilleyGirl said...

Hey, at least your hubby was kind of romantic about it. He could have said "Can I shove my noodle up your turkey neck?" ;)

As for the rest, it never really gets better. It just gets different. Mostly *you* get different. Processing through it all is a big part of that :)

Carmen said...

love pond....that's hot :-P

Band-Babe said...

Even if you aren't there in person for my TT, I know you'll be thinking of me, and that means alot to me. Only eight more nights until this thing is off!!! I appreciate your love and support so much.

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

Its only natural to want people to see the best in our parents, even when there isn't much "good" to see. I wouldn't expect anything less of you, because despite all you've been through, you're a compassionate & loving person.

As for the latest come on line, I read it to my husband and he is still rolling with laughter. Why on earth do I share these things with him? It only makes him worse!!! :)

Girl Bandit said...

I get what you are saying...it is kinda like it is ok for you to talk about your dad because he hurt you...but he is still YOUR dad and will always be. I hope you are getting some of it sorted by journaling in your blog