…turns out maybe I’m not. While it’s true I’ve done a lot of things this week…all simultaneously….eating right and exercising are not two of them.
I’ve only done a little over 10 miles (goal is 60 miles), burned a little over 1000 cals (goal is 7000) and put in a little over 2.5 hours (goal is 15 hrs). Um yah – I suckola. Well I don’t but my actions do. It appears that I cannot treat my body right while I’m soul searching. And soul searching has definitely been the name of the game lately.
** You don’t have to read on – I just have a little unfinished business to take care of re: my post from this weekend. Just go to the end where I give you my husband’s latest idea of foreplay. **
This soul-searching hasn’t been easy. And when I’m done – I see all your comments and I’m in awe – literally – just shocked (in a good way) at the comments and how they make me feel and the love that is directed to me. But I have to admit part of me is angry at myself for writing it out. I feel the need to defend my father – and that pisses me off – because let’s face it – he never defended me ever. I don’t want anyone to hate him or be mad at him – when why the hell not? He deserves it. Why is it not okay for him to feel bad or be hurt by something I write – when it was completely okay for my life to be hurt by him daily?
And that’s why I’m angry. Angry that I still give a damn about how my writing might hurt him if he actually read it. Angry that I still want to excuse him for his behavior – pretending he only did what he knew and it wasn’t his fault. Well f*ck that – I didn’t know love – how to give it or receive it and I damn well figured it out didn’t I?
I’m just so angry that the thought of HIS feelings about my hurt affect MY healing….
Doesn’t matter – I’m going to say what I have to say anyway so I can have peace. I want you all to know my father wasn’t evil – not a great parent yes – but evil – no. I have some good memories but when I write I revert back to that little girl and all I remember is the pain and hurt. There were some days he noticed me but it was fleeting and there were some nights he even knew he was a father but he was usually drunk. The man was a kid when he had me….but he made a choice and he should have taken it seriously. He never hurt me intentionally – but that doesn’t change that he did now does it?
And his family with their brother committing suicide – I say he was never mentioned again – because in my 15 year old brain – he wasn’t. As an adult looking back I can think of about 5 times that he was mentioned out loud and he’s been dead for 21 years. That’s not enough for me…and so it might as well actually be never….and that’s how it felt at 15. I think in the most private of moments – my uncle was thought of often – and he was mourned and missed….but no one will ever know that. No one ever dared talk about that fact that a 22 year old was in so much pain that he took his own life – and not one person noticed beforehand. No one ever wants to talk about that.
My mom knows today how much his death affected me – and she doesn’t understand it. And maybe I did over-mourn and over-hurt when he died. The thing is now I think I was in so much pain from having an absent father that I took that hurt and put it all into the loss of my Uncle. My baby sister had just been born – I had been replaced even more – and I was mourning the loss of my place in the family and the loss of my father too.
I used to wake up in the morning pissed off – that I survived another night….I wanted to die in the night so I could get to my Uncle…back to the only place where I existed.
But that was then…and I don’t feel that way anymore.
Soooo - alright - back to goals and such – this week is going to be better. I’ve been so nervous about my writings and how it would make me feel that I neglected me and my physical health. I’m still up just two pounds but that’s going to come off this week. I’ve got a plan and though I have more soul-searching to do – it’s all for nothing if I don’t keep healing the physical me as well. They go hand in hand – body and spirit – when one is broken so is the other….and I’m really over being broken. It just doesn’t suit me.
Lastly – newest come-on from the husband. Let’s all remember he works in a prison so the synonyms for “dessert” abound and he brings them all home. Here’s the latest. He seriously said this to me.
“Can I dip my noodle in your love pond tonight?”
“Sure…but I hear that particular pond is full of piranhas….and they’re a bunch of pasta-loving piranhas if I ever saw any….so go ahead and dip away…if you dare. I can’t guarantee the safety of your noodle if you do it though.”
♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥
♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪
♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣