Saturday, April 17, 2010

It has occurred to me....

...that I don't write much about my life here.  I only write what I "feel".  I mean all of you post the coolest things about dogs and cats, your jobs, what you do each weekend, your relatives, where you went, what you did, etc. 

Me??  Hhmmm....well I am only obsessed with exploding men, entire conversations about "the gas" that I memorize so I can tell you in the morning, poop and puke patrol with my kids, Martha Stewart and her need to bathe in perfume before she knits napkins to match her underwear, whootanannies and turkey necks and sex and how everyone is feeling about it...and whores of course. 

Um - when did my life become this?  This blog?

Soooo I am a little afraid...I get to Chicago and I meet all of you and you're gonna see - I am very BORING.  I get up, go to work, blog, come home, work out, work more, sleep.  The end. 

Wow.   Just wow.

Earth-shattering huh?

Oh and once in a while I fart gumdrops.  Oh oh and in my head I live in Care Bear Land remember?  That's good right?

Where the hell am I going with this?  Jesus I don't know - I'm just typing.  I'm trying to tell you I am mundane, boring - average at best.  When you meet me in Chicago if I hear any of you go back to your room and whisper, "That Drazil is a crock.  I didn't see her fart a gumdrop once.  And the only thing funny about her is her looks." - then I shall use my gerbil voodoo (I forgot about that cool thing I have that I posted a while ago about) and sneak into your room and let Explosive Man in wearing his Spandex and lead him straight to your bathroom.  It's scary enough hearing him when you're awake - but can you imagine being awakened by that sound?  I'm not kidding - I'll do it.  And Jenny has Chuck Norris Jr in her purse too so don't forget that.

I want you to know what I did today to prove to you I am lame so I'm going to share.  I think someone told me that was a nice thing to do in kindergarten once.  This is how boring I you're not shocked when you meet me.

7am - I am sleeping - little girl #2 comes in and asks me to get up.  I say no.  Get out.
7:30am - I am re-sleeping - little girl #1 comes in and says she's up now and can I get up now?  I say no.  Get out.
8 am - I am re-re-sleeping - little girls 1 and 2 come in using the tag team approach.  Mom - we are hungry.  Yes I know - I'm getting up.
8:30am - I am comatose.  Again two girls - pleading - they are dying of starvation - can they have a cookie? 
Yes.  Have two.  Smother peanut butter on them so you get protein.  Eat the whole bag - see if I care.
(Mother of the year right here folks.)
9am - I am re-comatose.  I hear noises.  Loud ones.  I pretend I didn't hear it.  Girl #1 comes in - um Mom I ripped down the shades when I tried to open them.  Craptastic.  Get out.
9:01am - Girl #2 comes in carrying ruined shade in pieces.  See what Girl #1 did - you should punish her Mom.  Shitabulous.
9:30am - OMG - I'm up for shit's sake.  Can't a mom get some sleep?

Now no one wants a real normal breakfast because they ate all the cookies.  Fine.  I will just eat a Swiss Cake Roll.  Little Debbie is a bitch.  I hate her and her swiss cake rolls.  I'd like to poke forks in her eyes.

By 11:30am I have successfully painted the entire backsplash in the kitchen.  Two coats.  With sealer.  My kids are still alive even with the noxious fumes.  I am proud of me.  Painting a backsplash is such a wife/mom thing to do.  Very exciting no?  Never mind it was lunch time.  I cannot stop painting.  Here - take these pringles outside.  My kids think they live in paradise.  Cookies and pringles - all before noon.  Told you I was mother of the year.

Hubby is home now - I'm still in pajamas, no make-up, no teeth brushing, no hair done, no shower - paint splatters all over me....and he can't stop talking about "dessert"....before he realizes the neighbor kids are in the room.  Great - not only are our kids scarred for life and will live with us until they're 90 because of it but now the neighbor kids are going to sue us for what they just saw and heard.  They've been violated.  Well - join the club I guess.

That is it.  Husband is mowing lawn.  Naked.  No I'm kidding.  I was trying to add excitement in you know?

Tonight we will eat burgers.  On buns cuz we're feeling sassy.  We might even use ketchup. 

Around here it's a party all the time.

The end.

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣


Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

So you're "normal" just like the rest of us? Is that what you're saying?

I do have to admit I'm a little bit jealous of the painting project. I'm dying to make some changes around here... but no time for that when I know the walls of the gym better than the walls of my own house, lol.

Btw, if we're the only band-less BOOBS I'm gonna make us something special. :-)

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

You have the talent to take mundane things and make them sound interesting and entertaining. I don't think anyone in Chicago is going to be bored to death by you.

Gilly said...

I'm way better in person.

My 3 year old woke me up like this the other day:
Son: Mummy? Mummy?? Mummy!!!
Me: What??
Son: Did you know your hair is brown?

Kids are crazy.

Nikki said...

Wow! You're normal...good to know. :)

I wish I could paint. I have like...beige walls...they arent even white...they are like creamy-yellowy-beige. The joys of military housing. OH! I am allowed to pain an "accent wall", but I mean, really, what goes with crappy creamy-beige?

Gotta love kids. And to think...I want another one...possibly two.

This morning went like this:

605AM (She's on a schedule, get up that time during the I guess it is okay on Saturdays too) Mommy, can I please watch my TV.

Me: NO. Go to sleeeep.

Kali: (615AM) Mommy, I cant sleep, can I pleeeeaaasssseee watch my TV.

Me: NO. Sleep. Close Eyes. Now.

Kali (625) Mommy, my unicorn stuffed animal wont let me sleep.

Me: Put the stupid thing on the floor. SLEEEP.

Kali (630) Mom....

Me: FINE!!! watch the stupid TV.

Kali (7AM) Mommy, the channel changed.

Me: Well why did you do that?

Kali: I didn't

Me: Well who did? The channel changing TV gnome.

Kali: Who?

Me: I AM UP I AM UP...jeeeez.

I think I am looking forward to sleeping in when Hubby comes on R&R. LOL.

Burgers sound yummy...ya doin em on the grill?? lol


DawnB said...

So glad you're normal. You haven't let me down yet!

Kristina said...

Normal? Hmmm........hilarious, thats for sure!! LOL I LOVE your blog!!!

Kristin said...

Holy shit. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Your kids let you sleep till 8.30? Listen, Draz, nobody loves a braggart.

Ha, I kid. I know it happens sometimes (despite the earlier interruption attempts), just not in my house. We had a big to-do when I installed an alarm clock in my oldest son's room and told him he COULD NOT, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES except fire, call us before six-three-oh.

Anyway, glad to see you're normal and not some crazy superwoman Oprah.

Seriously, I am so excited to meet everyone in Chicago. And to see your mysterious face. I do believe you're the first person whose (very, very flat) belly I've scrutinized without ever seeing her face.

The CilleyGirl said...

Gee, I thought your farts only smelled like gumdrops, not that you farted actual gumdrops. I may have to make this Chicago trip after all...

Sandy Lee said...

I was up bright and early at 7:30, pushed the button on the coffee that I had set up last night, read my paper, wondered if my kids were alive, cooked with my sisters all day, drank some wine. Found out my son might be stranded in South Africa if the volcano doesn't stop spewing ash but in his words-"It's in God's hands". Ate all the cooking we did and FINALLY got to sit down and read my blogs. I couldn't believe I had not one moment to pour over what my lovely ladies are up to. But I kept repeating to my sisters-"It's in God's hands".

Now take some advice from mom-put the Cheerios in a cupboard that the girls can reach so they have something to eat. Make sure they know how to turn on the TV or DVD player and then sleep in.

I am so excited about Chicago and just saw the post from Sally in OZ. I sent her a quick post for more info. Thanks for all the work y'all doing. It looks like it is all coming together. I swear I will know what you look like when I get there-so you can't hide. And remember "It's in God's hands".

Carmen said...

"shitablulous" that is my new favorite swear! oh i remembered another one that i use quite often... "son of a biscuit" i usually say that when i'm in mixed company :-)

i'm in awe that you had something painted by 1130 am lol

my morning consisted of my bf coming into the room and saying "hey monk" (our pet names are monkey and any form of monkey) I said "what" he farts leaves the room shutting the door and me dry heaving with tears running down my face....shitabulous

Diz said...

I love your life. You might think it's boring, but it's different from mine, so I don't really find it boring. I think mine's boring, but others try to argue it's not. Whatever.

Still thinking Chicago- i'll keep you posted as soon as I have a better grip on my financial sitch. (May be moving, may not be, just don't know yet what's happening). XOXOXOXO


See? Even this comment is boring.

MrsFatass said...

Totally wish I was part of this Chicago meet-up.

I went to Fitbloggin last month, and in the days leading up to the trip I grew more and more anxious. I was, of course, concerned that I would be the only one at a healthy living bloggers conference that wanted to eat like a pig and drink like a fish (um, I was not) and that people would be disappointed with me in real life. That they would think I was boring and not funny and that I don't really say motherfuck all the time.

Turned out great though. I dropped plenty of eff bombs and was mildly funny in person. I ended up having a blast. So will you.

Band-Babe said...

You are kidding yourself if you think you're more boring than me, and I'm also giving you a run for the title of best mother of the year. In all my sweetness yesterday morning, after I was trying to go back to sleep, I kept complaining that they were the loudest kids in the world. Something must've worked because they were silent for about two hours. I think Mr. W feared for their pyschological safety and took them somewhere! My five year old gets away with nutritional murder. My older two from my first marriage are appalled. But, I won't force him to eat real food, so shit... I let him eat what he agrees to swallow. And swiss cake rolls... I STILL INDULGE. How can something so trashy, be so wonderful? I guess you could ask that question about alot of things? I LOVE YOU. And, lurking behind your day to day activities... is a wild momma. She's there.

Dirttrackdiva said...

shitabulous. noice. that is brilliant. i shall use it.
anyway. i think you're awesome. you're plugging away at life and going day by day. that's pretty exciting if you ask me. and you're funny! damn funny actually! you have over 200 people that read your blog and laugh daily. trust me! you're too cool. smooches.