Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Lumps and bumps.....my answer to a question.....

I heard Explosive Man was rushed to the ER last night. Something about an allergic reaction to “milk”.

I’m kidding. Wow. I’m not THAT evil…(well except in my head).

Other than that breaking news – I’m at a loss for words. I know – get back up off your chairs – it is shocking isn’t it?

There is one thing I want to do that I keep forgetting. Shaggs posed a question to me after my tummy tuck post. She asked if I will ever be 100% happy with my body (because I still see bumps after my TT and she didn’t) and if I’ll never be perfect naked where most don’t see me, why should I try to look perfect dressed where most see me and go under the knife for it?

Really good, thought-provoking questions and they deserve an answer.

About seeing the lumps and bumps – I will probably always see them. That isn’t the same as saying I hate them. I just see them. I think for me I will always be critical of my stomach because first of all – I paid nearly $6000 for it and though my expectations were realistic – a teeny part of my brain was hoping for perfect. A girl can hope right? However, it does not mean I don’t love my stomach. Because I do. I really do. I never have but today – I do.

There is no skin hanging and it’s pretty close to flat and after stretching it reeeeaallllyyy far over the years and two preganancies – that’s priceless. And for me – seeing bumps and lumps or flaws on my body is okay – again – it doesn’t mean I’m not in love with my body. But for me – I need flaws. First to keep realizing I am not perfect, don’t have to be and will never be and that’s okay. Second to realize I’m a work in progress and I have to keep working or those flaws become big ol Sheniquas and they become dangerous to my health. If I look in the mirror and say well done – now relax and enjoy – um, yah – weight comes back FAST. It’s a daily battle and those flaws remind me to keep trying to be the most healthy I can be. If I couldn’t see those flaws – I wouldn’t keep trying nearly as hard. I think that’s part of why I gained 20 lbs after my TT.

I always told myself that when I was at goal weight and when I loved every part of me but the skin and once the skin was gone I’d be all set and done with this journey. Then the skin was gone and voila! - I gained 20 lbs back – and while none of it went to my stomach – it went everywhere else and my BP and cholesterol suffered. Though not obese even with the 20 lbs - the point is I wasn’t healthy. I have to watch my weight every day……..it’s become as natural as breathing.

Also – on having the surgery question. Shaggs was right – it’s your own choice and she said she would not have had the surgery. For me – I had to. It was the end of a couple year long quest. It kinda felt like I went to college for years to become a lawyer – but then didn’t pass the bar. Would you have said to me – “Oh well, go work at McDonalds then and forget the bar.”- knowing the sweat and sacrifice I went through for years? I doubt it. You’d tell me to never give up and find a way to pass that bar, keep trying, etc. I tried for years to no avail – “I” could not fix this….I had to find another way.

While it’s true that how I look naked is for ME – the truth is also that the surgery was for ME. For the first time I made a decision to put ME first…and it wasn’t easy. Now I also had no idea the amount of pain and swelling and the aftermath and how difficult recovery would be – but for me I was still willing to risk it. Plastic surgery wasn’t about perfection for me – it was about fixing something I couldn’t fix myself….I had no control over that piece of skin so I put it in someone else’s hands. There was just something in me that knew without this surgery – the real me would keep hiding under clothing and low self-esteem. And I also knew that if I made the decision to have this surgery – I’d have to commit to taking care of me forever or it’d be like throwing $6000 away. Having this surgery was sort of my way of committing to this new healthy body forever.

And about seeing the lumps and bumps – I keep it in perspective with the people I love. I have a husband who can’t keep his hands off me and a best friend who tells me I’m gorgeous and perfect and sees no flaws on me just like I can’t see any that she sees in herself. They keep me grateful and keep me real. And for me – it’s a balance that works. So while I never ever thought I’d ever have plastic surgery – much less twice (breast reduction too) – I have not one single regret.

Now if anyone wants to give me another $5k I’ll seriously consider lifting the ta-tas. I promise to give you a full review in return for the money. That’s a good deal right? By the way – many plastic surgeons do breast aug and a tummy tuck in the same surgery, same day – in case you’re thinking you’ll need both some day. Had I known my boobs would keep shrinking I may have done that but it seems wrong to have them reduced by 6 lbs and then have them added to later….LOL.

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣


Amy W. said...

Um, I dont have $5k, but I am doing a 5k this weekend. Can I see you boobies now?


Ms. Chunky Chick said...

lmao @ Amy! I think it is amazing. I started doing some research on the tt and honestly it scares the bejesus out of me. I know that I will have a ton of skin when I reach my goal weight. I realy want to thank you for your honesty.

Band-Babe said...

I need to put ME first, and get my tummy surgery. I'm proud of you for deciding on something for YOU. I honestly believe it benefits everyone around you. My tummy skin is HIDEOUS! I truly think it's a medical necessity for me to get it off. Insurance (where ironically I work) doesn't see it that way, but we shall see. Anyway, what are your thoughts on muscle work VS skin only? I'm a little bit leary of the recovery after a real tummy tuck, especially because all I think I want is just that skin gone. I've talked to one person who got skin only and she's very happy with it. When I asked someone I'm close to who had an actual tt about the subject, I think I got the "are you crazy?" look. GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT, if you have any thoughts one way or the other...

DawnB said...

You rock! I know I'm gonna need a tck or two -lol - but I'm a chicken.

Dinnerland said...

Why don't you just start stripping and earn the $5K with your hot bod as is? Do they have pants-off only strip clubs- so you can wait on the ta-tas? (or maybe get a loan?--do they have 'ta ta fixer upper loans?)

Ha -- just kidding.
Actually: I believe there are many fine financing companies that do loan folks money for things like ta-ta lifts etc. Not like I'm advocating for it.

Your post was thought provoking and I seriously wonder if I will be satisfied with myself if/ when I reach my goal weight. I've always said I'd 'die trying,' not meaning I'd hurt myself to get there-- but that I wouldn't give up until I got control over my weight.

I totally understand the need to stay on top of your weight-- for a long time, I was in your weight category-- I don't know how old you are and I don't mean to suggest you'll ever gain an additional 30 to 40 pounds like I did (bleh)-- but when I was in the 160's and even 150's, I wasn't satisfied, and alot of the reason was my fears of GAINING. I never felt I could relax, otherwise, I would gain.
Sure enough: that's what happened when I DID finally relax-- namely because of marriage/ kid/ career/ commute deadly combo. So I agree with your vigilance and congratulate you.

Sorry, I have diarrhea of the keyboard today. I'm off to get some pepto for my fingers... smoochies.

Jess said...

haha @ crazy Amy W.! I know I might need a tuck and if my boobs keep disappearing at the rapid rate they are, boobies here I come! I say more power to ya for making yourself all you wanna be! :)