Wednesday, April 7, 2010

OMG – I figured it out….

Seriously you guys – remember Amy W’s irrational anger post and how she was trying to figure out why she was so angry? Well I had a little meltdown of my own and I couldn’t stop thinking about it and at least for me I think I get it. My highs and my lows seem to be HUGELY inproportionate to what’s actually happening these days BUT a big part of me knows I’m a huge drama queen so I’ve brushed it off until now.

I seriously think that the thinner I get – the more life comes out of me. Okay that made no sense. I mean I think – when I lose fat and I don’t mean just physical fat – more of my personality comes out. When I lose fat baggage and get mentally thinner – meaning Drazil and all these mental epiphanies I’ve been having lately – that I literally feel more and everything is more profound.

Let’s face it – when I don’t feel good and I’m overweight and I’m not digging deep and I’m running around pretending everything is like Care Bear Land – I’m lying. I’m shoving down food and feelings and I’m living in a fog and 99% of the time, almost 24/7 – I am thinking about how I look, how I feel, how I wish I looked, how I wish I felt, why did I eat that, what is wrong with me, etc.? It consumes me – mentally and physically – and it leaves room for nothing else.

NOW – today – I feel better, near goal and nearly healthy in body and spirit. I’ve lost weight and cleaned out some mental closets too and suddenly – I find things making me incredibly happy or incredibly pissed and a myriad of things in between. Like my best friend’s blog yesterday – I nearly got in the car and drove 2 hours just to hug her out of the sheer pride I felt for her. Can you imagine? Chill man – that’s almost stalkerish right? And then there was the irrational anger incident – see below. This is for you Amy W….your anger’s got nothing on mine……lol.

Work day was done and I had a slight headache – and for me that means I’m going to get a migraine and migraines piss me off so I wasn’t in the greatest mood to begin with. I went to pick up my little girl – who is 4 – going on 36. They are outside playing at the sitters and the sitter’s sister is also there. Now let it be known – no lie – my sitter and her family are perfect. I’m not kidding. I don’t know if they even know how to have a bad thought. They don’t yell, drink, swear, gossip, lie – nothing. Literal saints on Earth. Enter me – the devil who is crabby from working all day. I put on my “I’m the greatest mother in the world smile” and get out of my car. Everyone greets me. My child decides she’d like to play in a mud puddle all of a sudden. She’d like to stand in it and see if she can lose her shoes. I say nicely, “Please stop – we have to get in the car – we have to go vote like the good little citizens we are.” – as I give her the look of death that no one else saw me do. Nope. Not gonna happen.

She is wearing crocs. With no socks. You know – those shoes with freaking holes in them?

I gently lead her out of the mud puddle. She gently flips me off and goes back to the puddle.

Now she’s stuck. She cannot get out. Did I mention I’m wearing good work clothes? I cannot pull her out. I’m about to say the F word until I realize the company I’m in. I laugh – “Oh this is funny, oh it’s fun to be a child, oh let’s all find the joy in the 4 year old disobeying mommy and losing her shoes in the mud”. Gag. All I can really think about is how do I get her in my car without wringing her little neck first?

So now my kid is out of the mud – her shoes are not. I sit her down and give her a towel bath and yet – she remains covered in mud. Said child does not like said towel bath – so she begins screaming. And I don’t mean whimpering or fussing – I mean screaming at the top of her lungs just for effect so the Saints nearby can catch all the action. Holy Mother of God – save me now.

I say, “Please stop, there’s no need to cry” in my Snow White fairy tale voice.

What I really mean is “If you don’t stop crying right now I will just cut your feet off instead of wiping them down.”

Yup – still screaming – even tears for more effect. Great – sure – get in my clean car and let’s make sure we kick the back of the seat and cover it in my mud because I have nothing better to do tonight than wash this car.

All I can think is “the second the car door closes and I’m on the road I’m going to unleash the wrath of Satan on this little girl”. I’m seething – inside. Calm down – don’t call Child Protective Services yet. I got in the car, managed to say please stop or you won’t be allowed to play there tomorrow and I blare the radio until my blood pressure returns to normal. This mom-ing thing can suck azz sometimes. I’m not gonna lie.

She was mad at me all night. Yup, my 4 year old can carry a grudge better than my mother-in-law. She wouldn’t let me pick her up, look at her, give her food, bathe her – nothing. It was “I want Daddy” all night and frankly – I was all over that. Fine by me – two can play this grudge game.

Now it’s bedtime and she comes around the corner and she kisses me with her perfect little lips and squeezes my neck – like I didn’t threaten to make her footless only hours before. And before I go to bed I check on her – and I stand there – in awe that this child is mine and I see her eyelashes on her cheek and her perfect nose and I think to myself……if angels were human, this is what they’d look like.

In the span of a few hours I went from pissed off beyond belief to elated beyond reason. Before – non-healthy in body and spirit – I would have floated through both experiences with not much emotion. I wouldn’t have even noticed her eyelashes. I was too consumed with my “fatness” in my mind and my body. When I feel “fat” in every aspect there is no room for anything but that feeling. I think that’s why so many of my blogging buddies who are losing weight are seeing that your emotions get stronger or you feel things you never felt before. Suddenly there’s room in your pants and in your mind where there wasn’t before. For me, now I say what I think more, I stand taller, I feel lighter in my heart, I notice things I didn’t before, I feel what I feel 100% and make no excuses for that………I am making room for real emotions instead of self-loathing regret. And it’s amazing.

Please cancel your therapy appt for today and just remit the $150 hourly fee to Drazil. 

(or Mama Pimp will beat you with a stick)

Okay – on that “I’m high on life” note – can about 16 or so of you please tell me I’m the hottest thing you’ve ever seen (yes, I know you haven’t seen me)?….cuz I’m up two pounds and the old me is having a mini panic attack. Thank you in advance. As soon as you say it I promise to revert back to my Snow White persona immediately.

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣


Amy W. said...

I still totally think I win. Your anger was kinda justified bc you didnt feel good and there was mud involved. Mine involved an ice cream cone.

I win.

You are more sane.

Mark it on the calendar my little buttercup!

Jennifer said...

In BFF world everything I say counts 16 times and since I've seen you in real life - you are ONE HOTTIE BO BOTTIE! No joke. I'd kill to have your body. Really I out!

Great blog (as always) you are SOOOO right (as always) and oh boy do I remember those days. UGH! I'm glad you were able to see through the 4 yr. old temper to the little angle on earth that she is.

Kristin said...

EXCELLENT post. I'm sure you hit some nerves with that one. You're right about being so consumed with being fat and ugly and obsessed with eating and otherwise feeling pretty numb. Great observation.

Also, I'm gonna go with You're a Hottie. I was up 2.5 today from my low on Sunday, so I feel your pain. But with a stomach as flat as yours, well... I just know your life must be perfect.

(I'm kidding about that last part.)

tessierose said...

It's spring break for my kids, my oldest is in Seaside, FL,with friends, my youngest is in Galveston, TX with friends and mom is at, even as they grow, there is no justice in motherhood, until you remember the mud puddles and watching them sleep. Any way, you never fail to make me laugh and of course you're a hottie!

THE DASH! said...

lol Jeez, this all sounds so familiar. I am SO GLAD I no longer have a four year old that can hold me to ransom(and shock the good people of the earth that really DON'T like the F word!! 'Cos there was that going on too.) You did well to stay sane.

Sandy Lee said...

You brought back some memories for me. The absolute anger and then those little faces with all the love they could muster. My heart always melted too. So glad you got it figured out. I couldn't see the PayPal button to make my payment so I guess you're out of luck.

Thanks for the memories.

Band-Babe said...

Great post. I agree 100%. For some of us, dealing with emotions is brand new. Some of us (me) are learning to identify, for the first time ever, what some emotions even are!

Your insight is beautiful and I appreciate your vivid candor... I've been there with my own kids. Luckily as I've gotten older, I've decided to just skip to the "oh, isn't that darling" even when they're being brats. Believe me, people think that's even worse! But, they haven't been where I've been, and they can kiss my skinny tanned ass! I'm going to enjoy every damn moment!

Jenny said...

I don't know why but your post made me cry today. I guess because we all have had these mud puddle moments.

Carmen said...

i KNOW you are one hot piece of ass :-)

Brooke said...

Okay- first of all just found your blog and I love you and want to get married. It will have to be long distance and all, and I know you have a child and we both have husbands but we can make this work, I know it!!

And second, I only marry hot ppl so there: YOU ARE HOT!!1

And third: yes to everything you said. Years of emotion have been seeping out as I lose weight. My responses have been so much stronger and I am feel a bit like a teenager again- in a good way.

Katie J said...

Hello my sizzling sista! You are one hot mama!

Hey - I was listening to the radio yesterday and they were talking about bedazzling there vajayjays and wondered if you would consider doing so and if so what kind of design would you have xoxox

Katie J said...


Leslie said...

You actually are the hottest thing I have (n't) seen.

Memories of days with little kids (I had 3, age 4 and under at one point) where I began to understand how child abuse happens. Not pardon or excuse it, but got it in a way I never could before.

You're so right about how stopping the stuffing really allows the most real versions of ourselves to emerge. It's good and it's terrifying at times. Congratulations on being so close to goal. I hope I get to post that some day before 2099.

Southern Belle said...

Well I can honestly say that you are super hot!

Ms. Chunky Chick said...


Dirttrackdiva said...

bask in your hotness girlfriend! you are super douper hot, with a cherry on top. ;)

Kim said...

Drazil - I'm a turd! You've been following me, and I haven't been following you! All fixed, though!

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

Sizzlin', Draz.

Little girl – who is 4 – going on 36. I knew the rest of the tale was going to be hilarious.

Diz said...

I love this post- by hottness.

Seriously, I think you are so right. The more I think about it, the more I WANT to feel my life. It's beautiful and makes me happy to think about it.

Don't sweat the 2. I'm up 2 every other day. You'll drop it again, it's part of the process- just put your head down and keep working. :) You can do it! You inspire me to keep going as well. We can do this!

Debi said...

I agree with Genie @ Diet of 51! As soon as I read 4 going on 36, I knew it was going to be a great post!!

And yes, someone has to be hot! And I know it isn't me, so it has to be you!!!

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

You have to be incredibly hot... how else could you be Mama Pimp? :)

Kids are great for that... making you go from love... to grrrrr (wring their little necks)... to love again, all in the blink of an eye.