Sunday, April 4, 2010

Parents of the year and a little whootananny talk too..

Alright - no lie - massive confession.  GOOD GOD IN HEAVEN.  I have a 4 yr old and a 9 yr old right? Today I'm all sleeping in after my M&M induced coma (story to follow) and thinking life is just about perfect when the 9 yr old comes in and says, "Come on, get up, we have to find what the Easter Bunny brought us."  Oh holy shit do we ever!?  We've got to get what the effing Easter Bunny brought out of the damn Walmart bags and fast.  Have I mentioned the Easter Bunny is lazy - not to mention dead because I killed him yesterday for inventing any candy that comes in pastel wrappings.  I of course turn to my husband and give him the deer in the headlight look - that one that translates to OMG my children are going to need therapy for a long long time.  Ugh.....I made it work somehow...told the girls that first I had to find what the lazy good for nothing Easter Bunny hid so I could help them find it later.  Please - hold your gasps of horror - my children are happily eating 1/2 pound Easter Bunny replicas as I type. Crisis averted.

Whootananny talk.  Finally I decided it was time to try the Magic Shave Powder....Jenny still raves about it.  Seriously I'm just whootananny challenged.  Every time I do any whootananny exploring I feel the need to schedule more therapy.  But whatever - fine - I start the process.  Now - I'm a bath girl - no showers here.  I sit down, smear on the cream while the water is running and realize JESUS - I can't have water coming up into the no water zone or the cream will come off.  Shut the water off.  Sit in the tub.  I feel like an idiot.  Oh and of course now the 4 yr old decides to enter.  I covered my "area" with a washcloth.  So yah imagine that - her grown mother sitting in a tub with no water in it with a washcloth covering her "area".  Can you imagine the thoughts in her little head? 

She gives me a look of horror and is clearly confused and thinks her mother lost her mind.  So here we go - we get the "Why don't you have water in there?  What are you doing?"  God help me.  I calmly say please leave me alone for a bit - this is Mommy time.  She leaves.  Now I'm freezing.....it's just insane to sit naked in a cold porcelain tub with NO HOT WATER on you.  9 minutes go by.  Longest 9 minutes of my life.  Can I just say that the hair is indeed different - it's like mushy and it won't come off.  OHHHHHH - this is why they say you should use a credit card to scrape it off.  Does a Barbie Doll's foot suffice?  I'm scraping away at the pooty tang with a Barbie's foot....and oh yah - you guessed it- in comes the 4 year old yet again.  She does not understand Mommy time.  Frankly, nor do I.  THIS is not my idea of quality Mommy time.  She proceeds to scream when she sees that her Barbie has been compromised.  Honestly you guys - she's scarred - I know it.  I tell her she has to go. 

I get all cleaned up - it's time to run the water - and now live in the fear that huge blisters could pop up at any time because I forgot to do a test spot.  And oh yah - back in comes the 4 year old.  She heard water - it's bath time with Mom.  I kid you not - she looked at my "area" like it was that turkey neck that Amy W posts.  She stared.  I might as well have had neon arrows blinking down there and signs saying, "Oh yah, I did this for your Daddy and half the blogging world who will never see my face much less my faschizzle."  And I violated her Barbie to boot.  Oh yah - didn't I already mention I'm the mother of the year?  This episode completely cements that award in my opinion.

Lastly, BG and my BFF Jenny posted something about how eating too much chocolate can "clean out your pipes".  UM - why didn't someone tell me this pre-Easter-binge?  So today I'm camping out on the toilet.  I figure I'm being proactive.  I mean if a little chocolate gets the pipes moving - I'm guessing a lot of chocolate pretty much makes the pipes burst.  So yes, suffice it to say Easter yesterday was a little overkill on the godd*mn pastel M&Ms.  I think I might sue the company.  Seriously.  There is no reason to make anything chocolate pastel.  It's some kind of sublimal brainwashing and it can't be legal.

Anyone else camping out on the toilet today?  We could have a poo party!  Whose in?



♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

21 comments:

Sandy Lee said...

OMG-you didn't REALLY forget those eggs! Next year give us a reminder to remind you and we'll bombard you reminders. I see years of therapy for those little ones. (Just kidding-the only thing I ever forgot was that dumb tooth fairy--lazy fairy who didn't last long around my house).

Hope you have a lovely day and the kids get their chocolate fix. I'm munchin my bunny right now and there are nooooo kids at home anymore.

Alexis said...

Good gawd! Talk about a visual! I was laughing so hard my husband had to come up here to see what the hell was going on!

All holiday candy can go and burn in the deepest boroughs of hell (should I be talking about that on Easter? Eh. Oh well). I consumed TWO Cadbury eggs, jelly beans, and a damn coconut cream egg all in the span of about 3 hours yesterday. No wonder my tummy was not liking me....

:) Happy Easter!

Girl Bandit said...

I had several sittingon the toilet incidents last week...arghhhhh. Glad you somehow saved Easter.....we have forgotten the tooth fairy quite a bit lately...oops

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

damn pastel candies!

Gilly said...

I would have just told my kids: "guess you guys must have been too bad this year!" My mother of the year trophy is in the mail. Actually, daddy hides the eggs, but only after mummy nags him to do it. Good times...

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

I always look bigger in pastels... Uhhhgggg.....

Enjoy the rest of the holiday.

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

Finally! The report I've been waiting for & it didn't fail to amuse!! :)

You know what's worse than regular chocolate for clearing the pipes? Sugar-free chocolate, lol.

Dinnerland said...

What a hilarious story about your 4 year old and the bath... my son is nearing 6 and he still doesn't totally get privacy...

Cheeseburger Girl said...

I'm still giggling as I type this...
Did the evil rabbit bring the poor traumatized child a new un-violated Barbie?

Bri said...

OMG! This story made me laugh, and almost choke on a Peep! LMAO!

Butterfly/Amy said...

OMG, I am nearly pissing myself laughing. I can picture my daughter saying those things to me.
Hope Easter turned out to be a great day for your family.

Band-Babe said...

Easter bunny was shopping at 9:30 last night for oldest daughter who was mortified when she found out he had no intention of bringing her anything this year. He was still shopping some this afternoon for Grandma's house. He (I) used to be such a good mom...

It only gets worse... but they'll survive! My kids are perfectly happy with guilt ridden surprises and treats as they are with the best planned surprises. I promise!

jenn said...

One good thing about being the only female in the house (aside from the cat) is that I can indeed escape to the bathroom without fear of interruptions. If they even think I might be in a state of undress or even semi-undress, my boys will just hover wordessly outside the door like they're completely frozen and don't know what to do. They won't even *say* anything until I hear them tiptoeing outside the door and ask them what they want.

I guess I do miss out on the usefulness of the barbies lying about, though. :)

Thanks for the laugh--this post just made my day!

Yvonne said...

OMG I am almost crying with laughter - a lot of the other blogs that I follow have been mentioning yours so I decided to check it out

You definately have me hooked on your story with just one post :-)

Chele said...

God, I love you! You make me laugh and I feel better knowing i'm not the only mother of the year out there. I've never viloated a barbie but still.

Amy W. said...

UM...HUULLLOOO! You forgot to mention the best part! Did it work? Is the hair gone?

Does your bathroom door not have a lock on it? I think you just leave the damn thing unlocked for humors sake. It gives you such wonderful writing material! hahaha

Drazil said...

Ha - Amy - oops - yup - worked pretty good - smooth I'd say and I didn't break out in boils or anything. Just not sure if the process is worth it. And NO - well yes - there's a lock but I don't trust it - it's old and if I locked the door OMG - my 4 yr old would scream bloody murder banging on it and the neighbors would probably think I was killing her and I'd have to get up and unlock it - with MSP on my whootananny. I'm a mom - there is no bathing, peeing or pooing in private. Maybe when I'm 80. I should have done it when the hubby was home instead so he could have kept her busy.

Carmen said...

you are too much...i just peed my pants a little there is so much i want to say about you violating barbie's FOOT that i feel like my head is going to explode... umm...yeah that is all

Joey said...

HAHAHAHAHA

McKayla said...

LOLOL Best story ever!
Poor Barbie was violated. F- her, she's too perfect anyways.

Hello by the way, im new to your blog & i'm totally loving it. =)

Southern Belle said...

Yes this makes me a bad person, benadryl in the juice for kiddies and then bedtime. Locked door for mommy time...glad it worked. I forgot I had bought some MSP and shaved instead, oh well next time.