Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Police suspect husband (as they damn well should)....

I was all prepared for a normal, regular blog but I’m sorry – it just ain’t gonna happen. I have to tell you about last night. When I’m done – you’re going to wish I hadn’t. I wish it was a romantic story about noodle-dipping in love ponds – but it just isn’t.

I was doing my thing, catching up on blogs, commenting – you know – living in Care Bear Land where all is perfect….and the last one I read is Jenny’s about our possible bloggie get-together and I’m super stoked, shut off the computer, and hop into bed.

Husband is in there already. IF I would have been paying better attention I would have stopped in my tracks. He was laying there – wrapped up like a mummy, just his bald head sticking out, arms flat to the side, smiling – not moving a muscle. Odd wouldn’t you say?

But no – I’m so hopped up about a possible bloggie visit that I don’t notice…..which had devastating consequences as you’ll see.

I’m all like a 5 year old, sitting on my knees, and I blurt out, “OMG – baby – my bloggie friends are planning a…………”

And that’s all the further I got.

The next words out of my mouth were, “WHAT THE HOLY HELL IS THAT?” Holy shit – do you have an ass left or did it explode right off? What did you eat? How could you do that knowing I was coming in here?

Okay – yah – he’s dying of laughter – so hard he can’t talk. I begin to worry when he goes into convulsions thinking maybe he’s choking on his own stank so I punch him to bring him out of it.

He dead serious says to me, “I can’t help it honey – I have “the gas” tonight.”

What the holy hell is “the gas”? YOU SHIT YOUR PANTS. Let’s not sugarcoat it by calling it “the gas” – like it’s some affliction – some disease you have no control over. He then says, “It’s not good to hold it in.”

Rrreeeaalllllyy? I’ve been holding them in for 20 years for your sake and I’m just FINE!

I start to cough. I swear I tasted the smell and then got a headache and my eyes started burning. He says, “Well it would have been fine if you hadn’t have jumped in here and started wafting covers. I was laying all still and it would have went away.”

Um excuse me – how did your toxic fumes and your disregard for my life become MY fault? Things like this do not go away – they hang around – kinda like Rosie O’Donnell. You think she’s gone and then BAM – she’s on TV again. You can’t get away from it I swear.

And he's so full of crap - literally - about hoping it would go away without me noticing.  I can bet you my left leg that had I not noticed "the gas" he would have told me about it.  It's one of those man claiming things - like - yah - that was mine.  Do you smell it?  Do ya?  Whaddya think of it?  On a scale of 1 to 10 what would you rate it? 

JESUS - are you kidding me?  It's like he birthed a newborn and he's beaming with pride. 

He hasn’t stopped laughing yet. It’s just wrong in so many ways.

And the morale of the story is that men are toxic – on so many levels.

The end.

Oh wait – get this – after I’m all calmed down, can breathe again, and stop hacking up a lung he has the balls to turn to me and say, “Baby, you wanna do it?”

Yah – about as much as I want to poke forks in my eyes. I’m afraid to fall asleep now – I might asphyxiate in the night and never wake up. Can you imagine?

Joey – I need one of them newspaper headlines that says “Woman killed in night by “the gas”….police suspect husband.”

So now it’s Explosive Man at work all day and “the gas” man at night. I can’t handle it. I’ve decided I’m just going to wear a freaking gas mask 24 hours a day – it’s safer that way and I look good in black so that’s a bonus.




♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

34 comments:

Kristen said...

oh my god! that's so my husband.. he would do that and has done that.. it's like there's a small (or maybe big) part of men ..that just never grow up..

though I don't even think my almost 4yr old get's as much fun out of "the gas" as much as my husband does..

next time bring the spray bottle of fabreze to bed and threaten to spray him down the next time he does that!! :0)

Larissa said...

My husband did almost the EXACT same thing the other night. Men are all alike. He farted LOUDLY in bed and he's like "oh I'll just cover it up with this blanket here...." and moves the blanket and wafted it RIGHT INTO MY MOUTH. It was so nasty. He died of laughter. Again, like I said. All men are alike.

Amy said...

OK, I just laughed so hard, my coworker came running to see what was up. I had to make up some lame excuse. She left, and I started laughing again. Priceless.

Although I kinda like Rosie. ;)

Staci Dombroski said...

I just found your blog and I could NOT stop laughing!!! MEN!!!

Southern Belle said...

Okay so that is too funny! I laughed so hard my eyes watered and had to run read it to the BF...hope you have a gas free day!

Jen said...

O M Gosh... I am dying laughing... so funny!!!! I would love to be a fly on your walls...(well, maybe not last night). You are too funny.

tessierose said...

Girl, you kill me! My brother just poked his head in my office and said, I guess you'll forward that one to me, if only he knew.
"The gas" my ass.

Sandy Lee said...

Thanks for my morning laugh. I had to read it in two parts to compose myself to see my boss.

Men! So right. Both my boys do the same-and the same smirk. What's up with that! Is the smirk response on the Y chromosome or something? Like fart, send nerve signal to the brain to stimulate the fart response to send signal to mouth to smirk.

With your luck you'd be arrested and put in the cellblock that your hubby is watching over in prison so don't do it.

Barbara said...

OMG you are sooo funny and I can SOOO relate to that post.. what is it with men.. like it's their right in their kingdom.. and after they let loose they say "What??" It's a natural body function.. really... Would you do that in a cab or on a plane?? would you share with all those people?? You are a riot and enjoyed the morning laugh..

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Dear lord! I can't! This is too funny. Guys love thier own yuck.

Carmen said...

LOL!! welcome to my world.... my bf is the KING of nasty gas. i have forbade him from having guinness beer EVER, one time he CLEARED OUT A BAR! it was like someone set off a bomb! he is disgusting and dry heaves are normal for me as is the nasty fumes from his ass!

Yvonne said...

You are hilarious! :-)

Alexis said...

Bahahahaha! Oh. My. God. I just spit my delicious Dark Cherry Mocha all over my computer screen. Seriously. This is the paragraph that did me in:

"What the holy hell is “the gas”? YOU SHIT YOUR PANTS. Let’s not sugarcoat it by calling it “the gas” – like it’s some affliction – some disease you have no control over. He then says, “It’s not good to hold it in.”

Thank you for the good laugh this morning!

Angelia said...

ROFLMAO! You tell a funneh story! My hubby is like this. I tell there is something wrong with his butt. Maybe the hole is rotting. Maybe there's a something stuck in his intestines that should have been flushed out...

Dirttrackdiva said...

my hubby does the same damn thing! and he would do it in a taxi or on an airplane. no doubts about it. i'd have to not claim him or something. i have so been there drazil. i feel your pain. my hubby will also laugh about it. i think it's a guy thing.
he also things it's amusing to walk by me with his boxers just below his ass. it doesn't matter what i'm doing. homework, reading a book, miding my own business.....at least once and evening my hubby's hairy mexican ass trots across my living room. lol and he wonders why i don't want kids. hmmmmmm

The_Exquisite_Christine said...

Bwah ha ha!

This is a serious issue that needed blogged about. Glad someone finally did!!!

Spousal abuse, that's what it is. I have been considering getting my hubby a cork for Father's Day. 7hearts;

Drazil said...

Dirttrackdiva - at least he doesn't do the opposite. Mine pulls his boxers up to his tits and lets his sack hang out and tries to hug me. I wish I didn't laugh but it's hilarious. We're married to children aren't we?

Amy W. said...

Lord, Tracey has been eating boiled eggs for breakfast...which means by bedtime he ass smells like those stinkbombs kids used to let at school. You know the ones I am talkign about? Wretched. Last night he kept farting while we has sleeping. Silent...but I swear they woke me up at least 4 times. Horrible horrible gut wrenching bowel gusts.

They are terrible.

Once we were on a roadtrip to kansas and my brother and his girlfriend were sound asleep in the back of the car...Traceys farts would wake them up. At one point, my brother said we needed to find an urgent care clinic asap to see what had died up his ass.

Jen said...

Do we share a husband?? Sounds like you got the major Dutch Oven treatment... Hilarious!

Band-Babe said...

How did I know you'd be one of the first to respond to my sex post??? I love you, too!

I have a confession to make... my husband has never farted around me. Ever. I wouldn't even believe it was possible for him to do so, but my kids swear he's done it around them. I AM THE LUCKIEST WOMAN ALIVE.

Gilly said...

I fairly regularly make my hubs sleep on the couch when he's all full of "the gas". He's like the dog...he knows when he's being bad, and so he just doesn't even try. And if he wakes me up with the "green gas of death", I'm not above waking HIM up and demanding he leave the room. And you know what drives me nuts? He NEVER finds my outrage at the stinkage not funny. He always has tears of laughter running down his cheeks at my disgust (while the tears running down MY cheeks are from the stench!)

Boys are stinky. Throw rocks at them!

DawnB said...

Drazzie girl, I live for your posts - I honestly do!!!

River said...

This has been one of my favorite posts to read. I'm sorry it was torture for you but you write good :)
I actually thought something bad happened to your husband, but he was just trying to kill you. Tell him he will now get away with it! We will not let him!

Heather said...

On my god, I think that had to have been the funniest posts all week! Men!? Why is it humanly impossible for them to grow up. My husband constantly passes gas at the most inopportune times and finds it amusing. Not a good thing to be teaching the boys I tell him. They are 14 and 10 so I think it is already engrained in them. I just don't understand the make facination with the smell, like it is a prize or something to have the most foul smell in the world eek out of your butt. I wonder if there had ever been a case of death by gas... or maybe all of those people who "die in their sleep..."

Jess said...

Too funny! My husband tortures me too. He likes to blow his ass cheeks off in the kitchen while cooking, in the shower, in bed just as I am falling asleep, while shopping at walmart, pretty much anywhere. I could just shoot him for it! Same excuse, "better in than out, baby!" SICK!!!

Jess said...

oops^ I meant "better out than in" damn my mind is backwards today!

Joey said...

HAHAHA!
It would have to be a headline on the Enquirer or some other tabloid.

I swear sometimes I married a girl. My husband hates all bodily functions and never has "the gas" around anyone else. It probably helps that he's a vegetarian.

amandakiska said...

Too funny!

LDswims said...

That is so my husband, too! He does it in the car sometimes, too. And I will roll all the windows down and hang my head in the breeze like a dog. He also does it right after crawling in bed - and when I'm asleep it wakes me up and I tell him to leave if it's going to be like that. Then the next day - I get in the car and let the biggest stankiest farts go, too. Payback's a biottch!

Stephanie said...

One of the bests posts EVER!! I know sometimes when my husband farts it smells like a daiper full of Indian food, so I can so relate. I just call him Farty McFartwell...

Butterfly/Amy said...

OMG, I am still laughing! Sounds like something my husband would do, only he tries to blame our dog and our kids! lol

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

Now if that was my husband, he would've laughed like yours and then proceeded to blame it on whatever I had fed him for dinner. Men are just overgrown kindergarteners about these things, lol. :)

Bella said...

*wipes tears from eyes*

L-M-A-O!!!!

My husband always says 'it just came out'.... REALLY? Your butt is alot tighter than mine, Baby, and I manage to hold them in. Maybe you should see someone about that?

And then looking for sex after they just GAVE BIRTH to a fart that smells like it was 5 years overdue? OH NO!!!

Thanks for the laugh!

Vaia said...

This is the post that has made me join your clan! My boyfriend and I go through this fart thing ALL THE TIME! And while I knew we weren't alone with 'the gas' it is nice to know others are truly feeling my pains :)