Thursday, April 22, 2010

*Save Big Money at Menards* doubt it.....

Anyone wanna know the best way to start out a Thursday after an especially shitabulous craptastic week? NO - Band-Babe – it has nothing to do with China!

It’s a chat with your bestie. I just talked to Jenny and proceeded to giggle about nothing in particular, mapped out a Jenny-Drazil 5k event, made more Chicago plans, discussed extended family idiots members, talked about the scale, and even went over the day’s upcoming events. Um – did I mention we talk fast? Cuz yah – we do. The whole convo was only 12 minutes. All the world problems solved – 12 minutes flat. We’re kinda like Superheros – cuz we wanna be like ass jingly Gilly. (Gilly – if I get an ass jingle will you teach me some moves in Chicago?)

Last night we went to Menards. I love that store. I hate the cash registers. What is the point of those stupid things? Every time something rings up I swear to God instead of item description it says “HA – and you thought this was going to be cheap!” or “HA – you miscalculated by a LOT huh?” or “Are you willing to go get a 4th job IDIOT?”

You all know I’m OCD and the spreadsheets I have – well – they’d put the biggest nerd on Earth to shame.

I’m not kidding – I have my budget done out to December 2010.

So when we decide to do a home improvement project – out come the spreadsheets and calculators and estimates. And Jesus Frick – how long will I be alive before I figure out I am a naïve woman who has NO IDEA the cost of construction and labor and materials? I’m usually off by at least 1/3 of the actual cost and therefore go into convulsions at the Menards cash register. I even slapped that damn thing last night. The poor little girl at the register was scared. I knew she wanted to call security but I threatened to hit her over the head with one of my 50 effing 2x4s.

It all ended fine. Menards sells candy. Problem solved. Temper tantrum not needed. Husband at one point actually grabbed my hand and said, “Are you alright?” I think I turned white and pooped my pants for a millisecond when I saw the number….but I had candy…clenched tight in my little hand. All was well.

I pushed my shopping cart out the door, eating said candy….holding my ass and yelling “I just took it in the shorts and you will too if you go in there.” *♪ Save Big Money at Menards ♪* – my ass. Whoever thought of that jingle should have to wear panty hose and high heels and a mega sized tampon in their ear while they fold laundry for 24 hours….cuz I know it was a man. Peckerhead.

I am mad at Band-Babe. She had a tummy tuck and is at work all flitting her skinny ass about (probably even has on her hot red “panties” over her binder)….talking about going to China for a visit. I tried to scare the hell out of all of you regarding tummy tucks cuz mine sucked a fat baby’s ass and she’s all “Woohoo – this feels like a mosquito bite and that’s about it.” I may accidentally have to kick her in the ribs in Chicago just to feel better about myself.

(Um I’m kidding – Band-Babe is my love muffin and I love her – which is why it’s totally appropriate for me to talk about kicking her in the ribs. ♥ U BB)

Oh and in case any of you haven’t noticed – there are only 8 days left in this month. Let’s throw a “Drazil hasn’t done a damn thing in the eating and exercise department” party! You wanna? It could be fun! Sheniqua is excited…she added a pound to herself and thinks she’s back on her way to 226 when she lived in paradise. She’s stupid – I’m never going back there but this month – exercise just ain’t my thing. I’m outta time. My 2nd and 3rd jobs are occupying my life and exercise is on the back burner.

And it’s lame-o. Remember the competition I entered at work? Lose 5% of your body weight. Well the scale where everyone weighs is by the bathroom so I hear everyone go in there and then hear them say, “WAY TO GO – you lost xxx pounds from last week – keep it up – blah blah blah”. I’ve been shooting spitballs at every one of them when they walk past. Whatever – it’s early – of course you’re losing weight – you’re all in the gung ho stage. Wait until June when you’re dying for a cheeseburger and I’m kicking your ass then!

Did I mention I’m evil and cannot find it in my dark soul to be happy for others who are kicking my ass in competition? Sooo yah – I won’t meet my April goals but whatever. I can still rock a leopard bikini like noboby’s business (sort of). So there. Take that and go to Menards – they can stick it in your ass – cuz they’re pros at doing that to people.

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣


LauraLynne said...

thanks for the morning giggles!! Now drop the candy and start working out girly!! (said with blog love and the full expectation that you'll be that tough on ME!)

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Horrible and note even some K-Y to make it easier. lol. Well Drazil I discovered that any home improvement projects means big dollars and what ever you think it will cost it will be more. On the whole april month I think that you made amazing strides even if it wasn't on the scale. And you will blow the ass off everyone. June is still a bit away

tessierose said...

Sorry, don't know Menard's. But I know Drazil and she make me laugh.

Band-Babe said...

Silly girl! I'm jacked up on narcotics! Plus, in typical OCD fashion, I planned on feeling like I was in hellishly burning labor pain for at least six months post- op, or something equally as painful. Now that it's not as bad as I was planning, I feel fantabulous. It's my little way of trying to trick the universe into letting my post-op pain to not be so awful.

Kim said...

Drazil- I LOVE Menards! They have the craziest crap in there. In fact, for at least the last 4 or 5 years, Menards has been my first stop at 4:00 am on Black Friday! Love it! Go midwest!

DB said...

Never heard of Menards - but I will definitely take your word for it... Thanks for the laughs - you never disappoint my dear. You should write for a sitcom I tell ya!

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

Menards is an evil store. You should just automatically double the amount you budget to spend there... then you might be closer to reality. I swear they suck you in & won't let you go til they've squeezed every last dime out of you.

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

I hear ya! We don't have Menards, but we do have Lowes. Dear God, trees and flowers and plants......oh my! I love how they always say "come back and see us"! Ugh, you know I will! I will have to look for candy next time. I know it will make me feel better too.

Gilly said...

Everybody should shop at Lowes and make sure that my hubs remains gainfully employed!

Baby, even if you don't get ass jingles, I will show you some moves! *wink wink - nudge nudge*

Sandy Lee said...

You ranter you. I wasn't going to leave a comment until I saw a comment you left about hating peas. Me too!!!! I do just like you, swallow them whole. When I was little, my mother made me stay at the table and eat them and it took me an hour to swallow them one by one. I think we really did have a connection in the past. Oooooooo! Spooky. And BTW, I took belly dancing before all the cool bloggers did it. Not very good at it and they laughed at my knock knees (in a nice way). So you best let Gilly (with a soft g) give you your lesson!

River said...

Menards? Never heard of it but I sure will remember the name if I see one one day. What are you doing with candy!!! You should be having pasta. I'll cook for you :) Thanks for your comment on my blog. *hugs*

Angelia said...

I laughed until I snorted.

We just got the biggest Menards ever, I think. You need a pair of tennis shoes and a walking stick to make it from end to end.

-Grace- said...

It's so comforting to know I'm not the only competition-obsessed person in the world! Love you, Draz!!