Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Serious turkey neck issues....

Now I know my followers are a bunch of ho-bags and therefore you read this blog title and you immediately thought I’d be talking about the turkey neck also known as the whootananny also known as the fah-gina. YOU ARE WRONG. (perverts – every last one of you)

I don’t know where you’d get an idea like that. Me – talking about body parts and body functions?? I think not. Mother Teresa was my Grandma. I’m practically a Saint.

Moving on. I’m seriously talking about gobble gobble turkey necks. Those ugly damn things that run in the woods and have miraculously wound up on nearly every freaking wall in my house. I ask you - how is one turkey feather different than another? Who cares how long his beard is? I can grow a beard too – are you going to frame me and put me on a wall? UGH.

Where’s the skill anyway? I could hit one with my car nearly every day going into work. It’s not that hard. Turkeys are dumb – kinda like the deer that want to run into my car. Kinda dumb just like the men hunting them.

For real – you guys who have thought all along that I was this mystical nice creature like the Care Bears I live with or the unicorn I drive into work on…well you’re going to figure out real quick that was a load of shitballs. Because today my husband is turkey hunting. The whole day – 4am to 4pm. I mean I love to shop and eat ice cream but I couldn’t even do that for that long.

Honestly is there anything you could do for that long - by yourself - except sleep?  If there is - don't answer.  Pretend this was rhetorical.

I am instantly pissed about this hunting business. My husband works 6 weekends in a row so that means when I’m off of work and have a day off – he works – and I have our children. When he has a day off – I’m working – but he still has no kids. Fine. The man works his azz off in overtime and 16 hour shifts and has two PT jobs like me. But we have a contractor at our house and my hubby could be helping him therefore saving us money therefore keeping my 3 inch heel walking legs out of Menards!!!!

Would it save us even $100? Probably not – but I’m pretending that’s why I’m pissed cuz it sounds like a normal sane kind of reason.

But really? Really?

I’m just mad I’m here and he has the day to do what he loves.

I. Am. Jealous.

I can’t even pick a fight about it. The man I married is a prince so I can’t. I mean this is the guy would wipe my ass for me if I asked. He cleans toilets for God’s sake – without my asking. Yah, that makes him a hero in my book due to my aversion to anything poop.

What is my problem? Maybe Amy W. has created a new aversion for me – turkey necks. Anything to do with turkeys and I go ballistic. Yes, that’s it. When he comes home tonight all Rambo looking bringing home meat for his family like Tarzan and I’m pissed off and he asks why – I shall say – Amy W. did it to me. Why don’t you ask her? Then I’ll stick my tongue out at him in the most 35-year old mature way possible and stomp down the hallway. I’ll tell him if he loves turkeys so much why doesn’t he marry one? You know – that always sounded good in arguments when I was 15 or so.

Come on girls. Give me something that sounds decent. Why on Earth am I so mad? Am I that shallow I can’t be happy for this man who lives and breathes for me on the days he’s not turkey hunting? I want to be the only turkey in his life.

I can look cute on a wall – I just know it.

No worries – I’ll be fine – I’ll just go get another Milky Way.  Jenny - where the hell are you when I need to be shot with a paint gun?


JourneyBeyondSurvival said...


You sound as jealous as I feel.

Hubbend did a church assignment last night and took miss THANG on a date. He spent the morning snuggling Chickadee before he went to work. And now he's gabbing with Beansprout on a layover for their magical father-n-son business trip.

I can't even be witchy about it on my TOMiest feline day. ROWR. In the bad way. Because those are so nice. But what's wrong with them? I'll tell you.

Me. The most important word in the world-ME-is not included in his prioritized list of things to do before he leaves. ME. I want him to spend time with ME.

Or I want to be able to drop everything on him and just leave him to it.


Girl Bandit said...

Poor you...I think we all get jealous at times...I know I do and for Turkey's??? I get it. Put the milky way down and go for a run...or something....

Brooke said...

Surgeons, hair dressers and husbands should all be on call and available when we need them. None of this hunting shit on his only day off!!!!!!!

I have these moments too with DH. The thing I do which he LOVES is whine and complain and say, "we never spend any time together, let's spend more time together!" then get on the computer and blog.....

I must be a joy to live with sometimes.

Beth said...

Step away from the Milky way!!!! As much as we all think so it will not solve your problem, only give YOU a migraine and make your ass jiggle a tad bit (eww that was harsh)

I can understand the whole hunting crapola tho, my dad, every year takes a week, a whole week off to hunt deer, why do they do that? I can get a deer, I'll just hit one of the dumb bastards on the way to the store or something.

Men 'go hunting' to talk shit with their friends, hope they hit something early in the day because their vision gets blurry by noon, as they all get hammered. Oh yeah and the strange satisfaction with wearing camouflage and grunting and burping and farting, its absurd!

Kristin said...

Oh Draz, I don't know what to tell you. But I found that I became the most petty person on the planet as soon as my oldest child was born. I resented every minute of sleep my husband got that I didn't get. I've gotten better about it (almost eight years later), but I still have my moments.

LDswims said...

Well now...see...we all know you fart gumdrops and take baths in skittles. And this is all possible because your sweet hubby puts you first. And now here he is, today, when you are tired and frumpy feeling and he's not putting you first.

This is precisely why men will never get women. I mean, really! They don't get that it's a FULL TIME job. They don't get to pick and choose which days you come first on. And when they do funny things like going turkey hunting to put food on the table or poker playing to win free money, I mean, M&M's, well, who cares. It's about ME! I want to bath in skittles and fart gumdrops and have my every need catered to ALL THE TIME! What's so hard about that!!!?

Seriously. Men... Sheesh!

LauraLynne said...

shh...don't say anything to anyone...but one of the reasons I run is because I get to say "ok everyone - hold down the fort - mama's going running...."

And then I leave. For up to 3 hours. (today's run is 10 miles - that's good for about 12 hours of gone time)

It's selfish. But I've been selfLESS for a long time. So for a couple miles a day - I get ME time.

Would I rather be doing something else? ANYTHING else? Yes. No doubt.

But this eases some of the guilt that it's all in the pursuit of healthy-ness.

Or I might take up turkey hunting...grin

Barbara said...

Alright Draz.. I am taking the husbands side (sorry).. The guy works non stop and on his day off he is bring home a turkey for you!!! HE CLEANS BATHROOMS.. HE ADORES YOU.. what more do you want from the guy!!! Look at all of those AHOLES out there screwing behind their wives back.. You got a keeper...BUT.. tell him to pull out his calendar because now you are going to schedule YOUR ME TIME.. .. it all works out in the end..

Bonnie said...

WAIT ONE FREAKING MINUTE!!! You don't live with Care Bears and drive a unicorn to work? Just kidding. I don't know what to say about the husband thing. Sounds like he's a good guy. I think you alluded that the issue isn't that he's going turkey hunting, but that you wish you were doing something fun. Chicago will be here before you know it, girlfriend.

Diz said...

And I clicked on your post all excited to tell you about some Strivectin to help your turkey neck issues...hahahahaha!

Girl please- any man that will clean the toilet without asking deserves a turkey day or two. You should give him something to gobble about tonight when he gets home...

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Draz please Please put the milky way down and step back....its not worth it man. LOL....Draz maybe your upset cause you heart him and wanna spend time with him....or you could be like ma and be pissed that he may be having a good time with out you and there maybe an inclination that the sun doesn't revolve around you (just an inclination momma pimp not reality) it happens but hey he cleans toilets and I am so a hater of you that you got a man that does that makes me wanna scream...but I still heart you anyways

Diz said...

Um...PPS- I got your comment today (well, both of them). Thank you so much. YOU ARE THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

You need to see the picture. I know you think it's impossible. It was actually the shirt's fault that caused me to look prego, but of course, that didn't stop me from being irate. I wanted to burn facebook to the ground. Instead I blogged in a fury. Now I'm tempted to post the pic to prove it. But alas...I will let it go. For now. Til I see the damn picture again anyway.

Anyway, I'm rambling. My point was to say thank you so much for your kind, kind, fabulous words on my blog today. You seriously came through and made me feel so much better- I heart my followers a million- seriously- thank you.


Diz said...

PPPPPPS: As soon as I re-read the last comment, I am writing one more thing- I want to correct the last comment- you are not a follower- you're my friend. Thank you.

DB said...

Oh I can so relate to this! Hubby will be turkey hunting Saturday, Monday & Tuesday. That leaves Sunday for family time you say??? Noooo - he'll be golfing - the schmuck. I get pissed too - he never has Emily - my 10 yo dd in tow. He always get alone time & I don't - it sucks really!

Cindylew said...

I know how you feel. Yes it's true that I don't have kids but I go through the same thing when my hubby goes on his 4 hour bike rides on the weekend and maybe I just want to relax with no responsibilities but instead I've got dog duty. OK...maybe it's not the same thing at all...anyway, your hubby sounds like a doll...perhaps if this is your biggest problem with him...then you really have no problem at all.
Good Luck

Band-Babe said...

Just think about Chicago... go off in your own little world... it might help for a minute or two anyway. I think you're more normal than anything. And your husband knew who you were when he married you- and that's exactly why he loves you!