Thursday, April 29, 2010

Shhhh…….we’re hunting wabbits.

Okay not really – it’s *&^%$ turkeys.

You guys – I just called my husband….AKA Rambo….AKA Tarzan. He answered his phone like he’s on one of those hunting show documentaries. Have you seen those?

GROWN FREAKING MEN WHISPER THROUGH THE WHOLE DAMN SHOW! And they giggle with each other and slap asses and all that freaky crap…..all while wearing camo vests on their beer bellies, black paint on their faces and wolf pee on their boots.

If I was going to watch such a show I’d have to turn that sucking TV up to volume level 50 just to hear it. Every time DH watches it I want to get out my hearing aid and scream “Speak up you assholes – the turkey you’re hunting can’t hear you and NEITHER CAN I!”

Those shows drive me crazy. And they act like idiots. They seriously dance around and hug and cream in their shorts when they “get one”….even though they are using a gun with a laser beam that’s accurate all the way to Africa and back. Oh yah – real surprise you hit that super tough target of an ELEPHANT. Where do you get your talent? My God.

Okay – anyway – I called DH….and I got a real live version of the show and I nearly went through the phone and ripped his nards off.

It went like this:


Rambo:  “Hello” – whispered very quietly. I kid you not – I didn’t even realize he had answered the phone.

Me: “Oh for f*ck’s sake – speak up – I can’t hear you and I need you to get the girls.”

Rambo: “We’re hunting” (which is why I’m talking like a pansy ass)

NO SHIT SHERLOCK! I could tell by the manly volume of your voice.

Seriously – we do this for turkeys. We talk like we’re spies. We whisper like the Russian Mafia could hear what we’re saying and we must be careful.

I swear – one more day of this – and if he comes home without a turkey I’m mounting HIS camo-loving, whispering ass on the wall.

I have rage issues. In my world – PMS stands for Po-dunk Man Shit. I swear to God you only deal with this when you live in Po-dunk city out in Hicksville Township. I better log off now – my man stud will be pulling up the drive in his 4x4 monster truck any minute.  Elmer Fudd will be sitting in the passenger seat - holding the rifle which is totally legal here in Po-dunk.



18 comments:

Nella said...

PRICELESS!

LDswims said...

Too funny!!

Bonnie said...

I'm praying your husband brings home a turkey. If not, please take a picture of him mounted on the wall. That would be hilarious.

I can do this.....finally said...

ROFL! Very good! Being married to a "hunter" I totally understand. Mine is also a golfer! omg if I call during a round it's just like this........

oh and why do the guys on the fishing shows whisper too?

They all need help.

Sandy Lee said...

I think you should just get a turkey, cook it and have it ready for dinner and then say you bagged it yourself. Or go pick up one of the pre-cooked chickens.

I have the same problem with the whispering during golf and once I saw that whispering fish show (I couldn't find the remote and was too lazy to push the button). How can the fish hear anyway-they;re under water and probably heard the big outboard motor. Cheesh.

Stacie said...

too freaking funny. my hubby does the whisper thing at work. they just make the conversation longer when they try to be sly and whisper.

River said...

I wanna marry you. Seriously! I don't hunt anything so I don't wisper like a pansy ass.
Or I want tv shows made focusing on you. I don't know. Woman you make me smile! and God bless you just for that! ♥

amandakiska said...

I agree with Sandy Lee!

Angelia said...

ROFL! I grew up in Po-Dunk! My dad hunted every damn thing there was a season for. Deer. That's wht one that I don't get. Grown men climbing trees and and attempting to not move for hours on end only to come home deerless and bitchy cause their back hurt. Wow, ya...can't believe your back hurts...

Ashli said...

So glad my hubs doesn't hunt! However he has many other lovely hobbies lol! (for example: He wants to have the biggest garden in the state, he wants to start a worm farm, he recently bought chickens, he used to have a huge paint-ball obsession (the 10 totes of equipment are still sitting in our house) I could go on and on. ugh!

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

Aw.

*whispers shaking in boots*

Just let him have this. You can whisper at him in his sleep. "we're hunting wabbits" and such. But, he'll love you for letting him have it.

Ice Queen said...

Bwahahaha!

I can't wait to see a pic of your camo wearing wolf pee splashing on the phone whispering husband stuffed and mounted on your wall. *evil grin*

Jacquie said...

PoDunk? You are hysterical!

Kristina said...

I SO needed to read this tonight! Hilarious! lol

Steph said...

Hahaha! My husband is a wild boar hunter, so I feel your pain. Although wild boar is so humongous - the last one he got was over 200 pounds - so he only goes once a year and that fills the freezer. A turkey is only good for, what? A few meals? I think you should slap him.

Beth said...

Just a quick question, does your husband read your blog. I personally find you ha-larious and real, but men get real sensitive about their camo! I hope (for his sake) he got one.

Girl Bandit said...

I don't get the hunting thing but then I have NO balls....maybe that is why?????

Julie said...

Maybe he doesnt know that you can buy a turkey in a shop where you can talk out loud and it takes a lot less time...