Thursday, April 29, 2010

These are the facts. And they are undisputed. (And my first fill...)

Anyone remember that line from Kevin Bacon in “A Few Good Men”…you know the movie with Tom Cruise (back when Tom Cruise wasn’t a whack job) and Jack Nicholson? Well I stole it cuz well – these are the facts – and they are undisputed – dammit.

I threw the dammit in for good measure. It totally helps right? That and I can’t go 3 sentences without swearing or talking about a vagizzle or something.

April sucked a fat baby’s ass for me. Well okay – not entirely – I just mean in the “Drazil is going to lose weight and exercise like a maniac and look like Carmen Electra” area of my life. But for realz (Amy W word alert #1) I have been successful in many things this month. Let me name.

I was successful in NOT meeting my hour, mile or calorie goal. I was successful in NOT losing weight. I was successful in beating myself up for the aforementioned NON-successes.

Yah, yah – who wants to be me the infamous Drazil now? Not a dang one of you I bet. Shitballs. (Amy W word alert #2)

Fear not. I shall not give up. It’s fine really. Having months like this bring me off of my perfectionist pedestal in truth. They make me realize beyond living and breathing food and exercise – I have a life – a really full one – and I live it to the fullest and sometimes that means I suck at diet and exercise. It doesn’t mean I give up, doesn’t mean I’m done, doesn’t mean I’ll gain back everything I worked so hard to lose…it doesn’t even mean I’m mad at myself.

I’m disappointed a little. I could have tried harder I suppose but seriously I’m a busy little lizard most days and I’m downright exhausted and I did what I could when I could. And weeks like this always motivate me to get back on the proverbial wagon. They teach me how I feel when I don’t “treat my body like the temple it is”.

The facts are this. Want me to tell you they are undisputed again? I can if it makes you think of Kevin Bacon or just bacon in general. Either is delicious if you ask me.

I do not feel good. I ate too much sugar this month. I had more migraines this month. I was super tired this month. I was downright lethargic. I was not energetic. I wanted to sleep and take naps. I wanted nothing to do with “dessert”. I felt crappy mentally. I felt like I was unclear, in a fog. I felt like an addict when it came to sugar. And the list goes on.

Thank God May is here. For April I can only report I only worked out 10 days, did 26 miles, burned 2885 cals and put in 429 minutes. Blech. Sheniqua and Drazil kicked my ass in April. But May is mine. I’m taking control back. I’m not re-starting because in my mind I never stopped.

And to my little lap bander followers (I say little cuz you all shrink as fast as my silk skivvies in the dryer)….your friendly neighborhood Phantom Lap Bander (that’d be me) is officially professing that I got my first fill this year this April. I’ve waited for it for so long.

I am filled with gummi worms, sugar, Milky Ways and bullshit….didn’t even have to make an appt to get it either. That’s how special I am.

Drazil and Sheniqua are getting banded in May – across their mouths – with duct tape. Anyone wanna watch? It should be quite entertaining….in a sadistic sorta way.

Onward and downward my ho-bags! Bring on May! If nothing else it’s one month closer to Chicago right??????? (and the f*cking bikini I promised Amy W I'd wear)

PS - I shit you not - in the middle of typing this Explosive Man just blew up.  Another guy was walking by my office and heard him and nearly stopped in his tracks and looked around like "should I take cover - are we being bombed by shit?".  OMG - I nearly fell off my chair laughing.  Oh the EM can scare the hell out of you if you're not prepared.  THIS IS NOT NORMAL.  God help me.



20 comments:

Angelia said...

I am with you. I am totally gonna kick May's ass.

Jacquie said...

To May I say!

LDswims said...

To May!

Too funny. You have support now when EM does his thing.

Sarah said...

your posts crack me up! I can't wait to meet you... I'd like a fill like yours today! Alas, a bit too tight right now... Good luck with May!
(my word verification was shamu)... good riddance to April!

Jennifer said...

I'm LAUGHING MY ASS OFF...
you got a fill and Draz & Sheniqua is getting banded...with duct tape!
LOVE THIS!

Kim said...

You are going to kick May's ass!!

Beth said...

You are so frikkin funny, I love it that you cuss like a sailor because then I don't feel so bad for my not so lady like verbage!

Oh and I love your concept of your fill, sayonara drazil and sheniqua you're goin down!!

Jenny said...

Whenever I read your posts at work I'm laughing outloud and I look crazy!

I think you still did awesome in April, but you will be Marvelous in May!

Alexis said...

This is hilarious! I just laughed my ass off. Yeah, April not the BEST month for me. May is the month of my one year anniversary of my surgery so I am blowing May out of the water! May 28th here I come!

Oh. And thanks for the mention of the Milky Way's! What's with you people today?! Gilly's talking about Dark Mocha Cherry Frappuccino's, you and your Milky Way's and Gummy Worms. Cripes! Don't cha ya'll know I'm PMSing and would KILL for any one of those things right now ;)

Amy W. said...

hahahahah. shitballs pookie butt! I loves you. mmmmmmmkkkkkkayy? But lets see...you are already skinny. Oh yes you are. so dont try to sass me. And you have 10ish more pounds you want to lose...but you didnt really GAIN in the month of April did you? I mean, did you gain 6 pounds in one weekend like yours truly.

No.

I think not.

AND...whatever bikini you will be rockign, I hope the jello washes out of it!

Jen from Oregon said...

May is going down...

Katie J said...

April is a notorius bad month for me so I am ecstatic that we have a new month on the horizon. GO MAY GO!

McKayla said...

LMAO Hilarious!!

As for May? It's WAR.
Show May who's boss!!

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

You had better shut your trap hole about all that Milky Way river of sugar bliss you're full of.

It's not your fault I drove off a cliff-I mean gorged on 1/2 pound of candy and Dunkin Donuts-but dang girl. I don't know how long I can read about these skittles and crap.

Oh, and maybe the office could rig something for EM. Eggshell foam on the walls. And a muffler for the toilet.

And I heart you. Your gonna kick some.

Carmen said...

F april! moving along....
band those bitches! duct tape all around

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

April was craptasic....screw april...no ky or nothing....its done...moving on to may! Yay Draz!

Diz said...

Girl this is my life. Didn't meet my goals for the month...on to a new month. I love that I'm not alone- and I'm inspired by your drive to do better in May. I'm on wagon! Let's do this! Sigh...

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

Wow... if that constitutes a fill... then I got one too! :)

beautifulinsideandout said...

Cheers to May! May it bring us all much happiness and much loss :)

(p.s. Why is my verification word "wakerbed"? which I immediately read as "wanker-bed"... mind... gutter... sometimes we are not so separate...)

CurvasPeligrosas said...

LOL! I am in so much pain from laughing! I started doing sit ups two nights ago, and my belly (as I can't say abs just yet) is killing me in pain. And when I laugh it is much worse, I am even considering not finishing reading your blog till this pain goes away, kuz you have me cracking up and it is oh so very painful right now. "take cover" lmfa!!! Can't get over it. hehehe!