Monday, April 5, 2010

Things Easter taught me…

Wellllll…..turns out Easter is not only a chocolate coma-inducing holiday, but a learning event too. So here you go - here’s what I learned.

1. Easter (and holidays in general) – make me nervous. It’s the whole in-law thing. I’m nervous and I eat. You’d think I’d feel bad about this but I don’t. I ate like a 350 lb Paul Bunyan and I’m up 1.5 lbs….and I’ll work that off in one day of detox thank you. Binges can indeed serve a purpose and be good. Now don’t freak out – I mean good in that yesterday I felt like crap. My stomach hurt and I had no energy and I felt like I was in a fog – and that was due to shoving food in my mouth that I usually never eat. It’s a good reminder to me that when I eat right I feel high on life, energetic, alert and just healthy and happy. Yesterday – um – not so much.

2. Kids do not like finding Easter eggs with rocks in them. Note to self for next year – use candy – it guarantees less tears and less therapy for years to come.

3. Try to be a semi-good parent and do the whole hiding of eggs and candy thing the night before the Devil Bunny comes. It works out all around better if you do. And again – less therapy is needed later for the children.

4. Chocolate does indeed “clean out one’s pipes”. It also can burst pipes, create new pipes and make noises in said pipes that even dragons cannot make. Honestly I’m not sure why anyone bothers making laxatives. Eat 15 Milky Ways – tastes better and does the trick just the same. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

5. I missed Explosive Man. Oh God – I’m totally lying. It was so fun going into bathrooms this weekend without having to run from them screaming, “MY EYES, MY EYES.” Today – the kitchen was out of creamer. I told him I had some in my office fridge he was welcome to. Nope - I really don’t. Wanna know what I do have in my office fridge? Breast milk from a lady here that pumps at work. Mr. Explosive Man got a healthy dose of nutrition in his coffee today courtesy of lactating girl. Payback is a b*tch huh?

6. Wear underwear to any and all family functions. Fine – yes – the secret is out. Sometimes I like to go commando. It’s fun. Every day I dress up and feel all wedgied up and all that and it’s my right to go commando. And all day my hubby has it in the back of his head that his woman isn’t wearing any underwear….it’s pretty fun. However – it is not fun when the in-laws decide we should all do an old-fashioned cheerleader type pyramid and while my azz is up in the air my husband's 20 year old nephew realizes I’m a whore hussy slut woman with no underwear on. You can’t even explain why you did it – you just turn red, start sobbing and blame it on Drazil.  And then no one knows who Drazil is so they're all completely sure you've lost your ever-loving naked assed mind.

7. Sheniqua loves Easter. She did a booty dance for most of the weekend. I’d turn around and she’d be sticking whole Reeses eggs to her sides and ass and everywhere – not even chewed – they just ended up right there on her. She was in paradise….freaking heaven I tell you.

8. Easter weekend is so much better when the hubby is home. Well okay, not really. I forget what waking up with the husband is like since he works nearly every weekend. This Easter morning I woke up and later went over to him and said, “I didn’t get my morning hug or kiss.” To which he replied – as any man with a penis would – “I didn’t get my morning _____ or my morning _______ or my morning ________.” I told him to go find his Easter basket and look for ____________ in there. If it wasn’t in there – well he could always hope for next year. Dickwad.

9. After Easter we went grocery shopping and I looked at whootananny shavers. Seriously – the box says “great for close shaves on bikini lines”. It’s electric, there are no sharp objects and you can use it wet or dry. I’m going to give it a shot. MSP worked but the whole process leading up to it has scared me and my 4 year old will never be the same. I said to my husband as we checked out – you know some women on my blogs said their husbands did theirs for them. He said, “that’s it – no more blogs – that is whacked out.” No no honey – I need it whacked off not whacked out. Anywhooo – review to follow on doing it the technologically advanced way – electric baby!

10. Finally - Drazil is pissed that even with massive amounts of family members I stayed on my JAR quest. JAR you ask? Yes – that’s my new goal in life. It stands for non-Judging (which purely because I’m a woman is difficult to say the least and also sitting up here on this pedestal doesn’t help) and non-Attachment (you know of material things that really don’t matter in the grand scheme of life) and non-Resistance (like quit resisting things that happen and changes in general and going all dramatic thinking the world is gonna end when I indeed can handle whatever happens).

Yup – J for judging, A for attaching, and R for resisting. Drazil is pissed I am making it my new goal and even more pissed that I made a cute acronym of it. He hates acronyms. He’s just an a-hole that way. Really though – if I do any of those three things too much I feel like my life is in a jar – suffocating, walls too tight and closing in, in the dark, never getting out, isolated, depressed, self-loathing, etc. No more living in a JAR for me….no sir….Drazil can live in there but I’m not gonna. Hell I’ll even poke holes in the lid for the little guy so he can breathe……..or maybe not….he’s kind of a dickwad too.




♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

14 comments:

Jess said...

Glad Sheniqua was able to get it out of her system. Over, done, moving forward and homegirl can cool it for a while.

Helen said...

It wasn't the chocolate that got me, it was a ham overdose. Seriously, today my fingers are all swolled up. Now I feel like I should have learned something from that but I'm gonna have to think about it...

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Okay, you made me giggle again! I sure wish I had your sense of humor. The breast milk scenario is priceless! Please do update on the electric whootananny experience. I am dying to know!

Kristin said...

You DID NOT give that poor girl's breast milk to explosive man. Pure evil indeed.

And rocks in the easter eggs? Too much. I bought a box of Whoppers and a bunch of stickers, so each egg had either a sticker or a Whopper. Most of them sit on the counter, unopened. So they will go into the bin for next year. Yes, I know the Whopper will be stale. But chances are it won't get opened then either.

Good luck with the electric whootenanny device. Be sure not to have any water in the tub when you do this one, either.

tessierose said...

It must never get lonley in your head! You just crack me up, always great to get sucha good feeling on a Monday!
Hugs!


PS
LMAO my word verifcation is....
solimp

Alexis said...

Oh gawd...you did not give explosive man breast milk?! Oh, that is GREAT!

I'm still waiting for my chocolate "laxative" to start working. I ate enough chocolate yesterday to warrant me having to sit on the toliet all day today, but nope. nothing. I gained 1 1/2 pounds yesterday and I'm officially saying that I'm full of shit. :)

Lisa said...

ROCKS in the eggs? Not a good idea. :)

Melissa said...

I am a new reader to your blog. I have no idea what took me so long to find you.

Thanks for starting my day off with a smile and laughter!

Dinnerland said...

#2-- total LOLz.
Therapy!!

Dirttrackdiva said...

breast milk in the coffee! that's outstanding. we should hook up girl, we could do some damage. lol

i learned a few things this easter too. i'm putting the blog together in my head, then i'll post it.

you are too funny. smooches, and thanx for the laugh.

Amy W. said...

Sigh. I can't go commando. Lady nuts need support. Sigh again. could you imagine if I zipped one up in a zipper like boys do with their penises!

Band-Babe said...

JAR philosophy? That's really good. Did you think of that yourself? If you did... you should write a book...

My thong was showing at our family get together yesterday. I thought I was doing a good job, but it appears I was doing a great job. At embarrassing myself. :)

Southern Belle said...

I love that you got back at explosive man...nice one. I too got caught on the commando thing this weekend; although not as good as you. My grandmother said something about my no panty lines in my white shorts...out loud in front of a room full of people. To which I had to reply "that's cause I have no panties on" that shut her up!

Carmen said...

LMAO! at 5 & 6