Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Chicken with a side of Kotex and a little electricity.....

Hello my lovely bunch of coconuts. How are ye?


Um…can you tell Draz-ee is back in a good way? It’s raining here – which I love and I’m sitting at my desk eating peanut butter straight out of the jar (um yah – I know about 99% of you are drooling now), drinking a Pepsi and it’s not Monday. If you can’t see the beauty in those four things – well you’re probably a man or something. Every woman knows peanut butter straight from the jar is nearly orgasmic. I do feel kinda cave-man-ish though. I mean I suppose it’s not very professional to eat peanut butter out of the jar at your desk with a butter knife like you don’t know bread exists. At least I’m not using my fingers or exploding at my desk for that matter.

It could be as unprofessional as pantyliners and frozen Lean Cuisines. What??? Yes I shall tell you how my day started. Each day I get to work, I make the long walk to the kitchen to get my ice for my Pepsi and if I can’t fit something in my fridge in my office, I take that with me to put in the big fridges in the kitchen. Today I whipped out my frozen dinner, grabbed my cup and headed to the kitchen.

On the way there I stopped and talked to the VP and the President of the company. No biggie right? Well not usually. Not unless when you get to the kitchen you realize you have a pantyliner stuck to your frozen lunch….all in it’s pretty pink flower wrapped splendor screaming “GET OUT OF HER WAY – SHE’S HEMORRAGING RIGHT NOW”.

Jesus.

I don’t know how it unfolded from it’s package and stuck there but my Lean Cuisine read “Chicken and broccoli with a side of Kotex” today. Any chance the guys I talked to might have thought it was some fancy moist towelette with microweave and fresh scent built right in?

My God. How does this shit happen to me?

************************

Rambo (aka husband) got in bed with me last night and tried to be Conway Twitty. He looks over at me and says, “Hello Darling.”

Forget it man – no one can ever be Conway. Try again. So he says, “We’re gonna do it tonight aren’t we?”

Why the hell would you think that? Did you hear that? That was me snoring a second ago.

He says, “I can feel the sexual tension…it’s electric.”

I don’t know what you’re feeling but all I’m feeling is comatose.

I am now laughing so hard I can’t contain myself. Did you say “electric” – like out loud? As in you’re trying to turn me on somehow? Nu-uh right? 

Then he says, “Your legs must be so tired baby – you’ve been running through my mind all day.”

I nearly fall off the bed doubled over in laughter. And he’s so smooth – just like a real James Bond – that he’s laughing so hard now too that Mr. Winky couldn’t work out right now if he had to.

Once again I bet you all wish you were me.

This is me slowly leading up to my every day sex and faking it blog….God that will be fun to write huh? I cannot wait……..can you?



28 comments:

Stephanie said...

I about spit out my chicken salad reading your lean cuisine-tapon story. I would have died. No shit. Your hubby sounds like a definite rico suave...:)

Colls said...

That has got to be the best story I have heard in years! I am so sorry that it happened to you and involved some big wigs, but that shit is priceless!

Um and your husband gets an A+ for effort! <3

Sandy Lee said...

You're back in form. Thank god nothing was in my mouth that would have swirted out my nose. But I laughed anyway-quietly as I am in my other work location and the cubicle farm is soooo quiet. So F*** that was funny. See the F-word can be used in so many ways. And I haven't been fired yet! In fact no one has come near me. Must go as I have my evaluation in 3 minutes and don't want to be late to find out how fantastic I am (this from another manager I work with not the actings).

Crystal said...

omg that's hilarious... at least your hubby tries tho... my hubs is a fantastic man, love him to pieces, but all he says is take your clothes off, we're gonna do it... and the pantyliner? yeah, shit like that happens to me all the freaking time too, you're not alone... glad to read a silly post from ya! they always make my day :)

Nella said...

Oh my gawd, too much for words!
Kotex and Conway?? PRICELESS! I am so jealous the ladies will get to meet the real you in Chicago!

Beth said...

Your husband sounds cute!!
I do think I would have died of embarrassment if I had a panty liner on my food, but that is why us 'modern' girls use tampons, they don't stick to anything!! A Definite suggestion to avoid such situations again! ha ha

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

You had me with your title! I always enjoy reading about your funny situations!

Lynda with a Y said...

Laugh out loud funny.

Kristen said...

it's so sexy when they have to ask if we're going to 'do it' ..

:0) oh to be a dude for just a day..

Angela Pea said...

LOL. At least it wasn't, say, stuck to the hem of your skirt. Absolutely hysterical.

Conway? *sigh*....all the way. What a Sweetie you have, even if he does wake you up from a sound sleep just to play. I think it's an inherent in all husbands. Personally, I think mine actually WAITS until I'm asleep, just so he can wake me up. Some sort of Sleeping Beauty fixation.

T. Michelle said...

he-larious!!! I had to leave my office i was cracking up so hard! yeah i'd rather have the pantyliner stuck to my lean cuisine instead of hanging out the bottom of my pants leg! yeh that's a true story...

Fiona said...

ha ha ha ha oh the shame I share with you. I work in an all male office and I would about die if that happened to me.
Your DH sounds like a keeper lol x
Mine just uses the Fonz catch phrase, you know the one!

-Grace- said...

How do you always manage to get into so many hi-jinx?! Love it.

Tina said...

How do those things get out of their plastic packaging and stick on stuff anyway? I have had them stick to my arm after going into my purse for change...geezzzz

Tina

Carmen said...

grace...right?!?
draz your life is a living sticom :-) you should write a script or 50!
i hope you are doing lots of "field research" for your sex everyday post!

DB said...

BWA HAA HAAA!!! I can't take!!!! You make my port hurt form laughing so hard :0

Bonnie said...

I think you should write lean cuisine and give them the idea for the new entree name. I'm sure it will catch on quickly. You're husband's moves sound scarily close to mine. We were both home before the kids and he grabbed me and said "Let's go upstairs and screw." It will probably shock you to know that line did not work.

Band-Babe said...

I just bring up taxes, or the public school system, or something along those lines when I'm trying to be a buzz kill. Luckily, Mr. W doesn't ever do that to me. Anyway, where do guys learn these lines? There needs to be some sort of early education to help prevent these kinds of pathetic attempts. But, awwww... it makes them so damn cute... you almost want to oblige them...

Tricia said...

Good thing guys are too grossed out by bleeding vagines to mention or even THINK anything about that pantyliner. I would have just said it was a 100 calorie snack.

Your husband is silky smooth, baby.

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

Don't worry about those men seeing your pantyliner stuck to your lunch. They were looking at your boobs. That's all they notice.

Except for your husband.... who notices the electricity and your tired legs. OMG! That is one of the funniest lines I've ever heard!!! How could you resist Romeo after that sweet nothing?

Cindylew said...

I can't believe you got him distracted as much on a mission as he was when he came to bed.
You little tease you...

Brooke said...

Hahaha, too bad you didn't ask the VP to hold your towelette while you put lunch in the freezer ;-)

*~D~* said...

So funny!
I carry the Tampax Compact tampons...well my 3 year old saw it in it's bright yellow wrapper and asked if it was candy.
Hubster busted out laughing at this and said, "Sure is, cotton candy!" Seriously? So that's our code word for feminine hygiene products now.

Kim said...

You have to love any post with Kotex and Conway in it!!! Love you!!

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Great Draz you just made my skim milk hot cocao come out of my nose....lmao....only you doll only you...

Jess said...

In my best 80's sitcom voice "That's our Draz!" Wuah, wuah, wuuuuaaaah.

Merri said...

Hmm I guess im a man, since I don’t like rain or pepsi and im allergic to peanutbutter, so id be pretty sick if I were eating it out of a jar (or any way at all lol). But it not being Monday is a great thing. LOL that’s so funny about the kotex id be embarrased. I guess we're on the same cycle this month..my little tampon "bullets" do seem to appear all over my house, but thankfully they stay in my bag or pocket here at work.

Butterfly/Amy said...

LMAO, I don't know which made me laugh more. And honey, your first story about the pantiliner, that kind of shit happens to me too! hahaha...so glad to know I'm in good company.