Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Drazil and Sheniqua kicked ass and took names in April…

I’m so pissed that I’m surprised I’m even typing. Everything in me wants to hold this frustration and disappointment in but yet I know if I do I’ll feel like I betrayed you all. And the fact is we all fall…we all have to crawl before we can stand up and walk right?

Well in April – I fell and I crawled for most of it.

I weighed myself today.  I nearly started sobbing.  The denial is over.  I saw the number.

I’m not sure how I justify letting my health go. I’m not sure how saying, “well we’re doing a home remodeling project” makes gaining back weight and feeling like crap okay. How does “my jobs took so much out of me and were extra swamped this month” make it okay to negate all the work I did January through March? How does scheduling the tiniest details of my life get done every day without fail – yet a workout is not on that schedule? When will I stop being angry that this is a DAILY journey? When will I make me and my health a priority…when will I let myself have that and not feel guilty?

I can do this. I know how. I’ve done it already. I’ve succeeded in the past.

But I slip back and I get angry. I don’t like re-work…anywhere in my life. I don’t have time or energy for that.

I feel like the poo my husband took in the woods. I could try to deny that but I’d be a liar. I’m having more migraines, I can’t sleep, I’m exhausted to the point of sleeping in the bathroom at work, I’m lethargic, I’m pissy and emotional……

But I’m so tired of this journey. Just so tired. I want it to be easy like it is for my brothers and I want it to end. I don’t want to have to run 5 miles a day – and I don’t want to face the fact that if I don’t – I gain weight fast and I feel like crap.

I often wonder why I care? Do you guys ever wonder why it matters so much? I mean when I’m 60 do you think I’ll give a good damn about how I looked at 35? Will I? Will it matter if I was hot or if I turned heads? Today – right now – as is – I am loved. Why does it matter if I don’t lose another 15 pounds?

I saw an overweight woman walking this morning and I thought to myself – I’ve known her all my life – she’s never been thin or gorgeous. She’s a wonderful, pretty person with a great family. Is she any less happy because she didn’t kill herself like I am doing in my quest to be thin? I will never know. Part of me hopes if I could ask her she’d tell me she wishes she’d taken better care of herself and that it does matter and even today she wishes she was healthier….so I’d know right now that it’s worth it.

Because today – right now – it just seems hard. One of my favorite sayings is “Fat is hard. Thin is hard. Choose your hard.”

Being unhealthy and feeling like this is definitely hard – it downright sucks. So I’ll choose the thin hard today. And every day after. Because noone ever drowned in sweat right?

I started tracking cals again today. I tracked my weight. I am sugar detoxing. I am counting calories with the same vigor I countdown the minutes to quitting time. I vow to give as much energy to this health quest that I give to everything else. I will make May exercise goals. I will meet those goals.

This journey isn’t over for me. It probably never will be. I can either accept that and live better or resent it and feel like dirt every day.

The choice seems pretty clear.

What do you choose?


24 comments:

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

Here's my philosophy when I mess up: I'm learning how to handle this kind of a situation. It's not a waste.

Of course this is after I sob and cry and post on my blog. Then I detox the house AGAIN, and I recommit to my physical fitness goals.

Yep. Sounds like you're on track.

((hug))

Southern Belle said...

I can relate to your rant. Obviously I choose the thin hard cause I let them cut me open, I am paying a nice guy who is determined to kill me to work me out at the gym. Can you be happy fat? Sure ya can but it depends on what version of happiness you want for yourself. I am searching for the better version of me, the happier version of happy. I will get there and so will you! smooches!

DB said...

You are doing the right thing - pick yourself up and move on. Get back to what you know - track calories, exercise & eat healthy. It's not about looking hot or turning heads - it's about being around for your children & grandchildren and enjoying the awesome retirement that you & hubby will share someday. You are a beautiful person, no matter what!!!!!!

amandakiska said...

Please add "Forgive Yourself for a Crappy April" to your list of things to do. It happens! You have excellent, legitamate reasons for struggling last month, but you recognize that this just isn't who you are anymore - you don't feel well if you don't eat right and exercise - so now you are ready to make some changes!

Sandy Lee said...

So you ask about that 60 year old woman, which I will be in 4 years (Yikes!). I do remember how I felt at 35. I was still fat after my 2nd baby. I struggled for 20 years to gain/lose weight and here I am still doing it. Now it is for health. If I don't lose the weight I will die young or worse be disabled from a heart attack or stroke. I want to be able to enjoy my grandkids and get on the floor to watch them. So is it worth it-yes but it is also ok to not reach your "ideal" weight. That weight is something you will discover. The weight where you feel comfortable in your body, you have energy and focus. Because all in all, you will still have the love in your life. Eat well, live well, feel well. Get off as much of the sugar as you can-it's evil and it really is one step at a time.

Gilly said...

Ah, to have a 35 year old ass again! It's all about how you feel, puddin! If you're feeling tired and slow and crappy, then the fuel you are giving yourself isn't working for you. No big...it's summertime!! All the good fruit and veg are coming to the stores! Tomatoes that have TASTE!! I'm excited!! Are you excited??? GET EXCITED!!!! Let's have a saladgasm!!!

Heather said...

I am 35 (well I will be next month) I hope that my ass starts to look better before 36. OK had to add a little humor. We can't change the past, we can only go on to make a better future. It is no longer April, May is a time for a new start. You will get there.

Colls said...

I love your little saying - it is so true - both are hard, just different kind of hards...

Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us - I know that most if not all of us have been there before. You have made the right decision!

For me, I chose thin hard because even though it is hard - it feels so good to accomplish goals. There seems to be more positive feelings and outcomes related to the thin hard. Fat hard - that is pretty much all negative feelings and outcomes. No thank you! <3

Band-Babe said...

I agree whole heartedly... fat is hard, and skinny is hard. I've never heard it put that way, but I believe it's completely true.

I also agree that it will matter when we're older what we weighed when we were 35 (or 40 in my case). I think it will also matter how we treated ourselves emotionally... "loving" ourselves (I REALLY hate that term)... but I have been trying to at least be "gentle" with myself. I'm still defining that. But, I think it's critical to feeling and looking good.

Joey said...

Maybe you lost April's battle. But you are winning the war! If it didn't bother you so much, you wouldn't do anything about it. You have done A-MAZE-ING!!

Bonnie said...

I'm so sorry April sucked ass. (I was going to be more eloquent, but then I remembered who I was commenting to and figured vulgarity is okay.) I've been in your shoes so many times and know exactly how you feel. Unfortunately, there are no great words of comfort. If anything, I've only got a warning. Don't get so frustrated and depressed by the 15 lbs that you eat yourself to 100 lbs overweight like I did. Pick thin hard every time.

Nella said...

Kick APRIL in the ASS baby and move on forward with May! Summer is just around the corner!!I am 36 and I just want to be a skinny bitch!! I don't think it will come easy like the real one's so this will definitely be a life long journey! EMBRACE IT!

KRISTI said...

I know exactly how you feel. I lost over 100 lbs four years ago, just from watching what I ate and exercising. I have now gained 60 lbs of it back and its horrible. If I could go back to where you are now, I never, ever would have given in. I guess the owrst part about it is that I didn't even know I did give in. I was just fat again so fast.
It is not better this way. Its horrible.

Stephanie said...

I know this is going to sound all sickeningly cliched, but May is a new month with no mistakes in it. April is done and gone, so you need to kick it's ass to the curb mentally and move forward. I HATE going to the gym and I hate that I am having to work so hard at this, but I know it is worth it. I AM WORTH IT, just like you are. Plus, it's such a feeling of accomplishment I'm sure and I want to feel that pride in knowing I succeeded. You will too. I know it!

Jenny said...

I think how you feel matters at any age. We all want to feel sexy and wanted. Please don't beat yourself up too much. You're doing the right thing by getting back where you want to be. It sucks to have to redo the work, but you will do it. You will get through. How you feel matters.

susieq4givn said...

This was a great post! and I love your saying. I just finished working out...it is hard, and frustrating..but when you start and do it consistently you feel sooo much better. Thanks for your honesty. and you can do this! and so can I!

The Curvaceous Conundrum said...

Fuck April. April was a terrible month for everyone. Lets flip it the bird and get on the horse for May. Motivated May!!!

Xo lovey!

Diz said...

I'm with Mary- Forget April. Let's move on. IT was bad; it was ugly, and I'm over it. So, apparently, are you. The good news is, we have TODAY to turn everything around. I know when I'm doing what's right, I feel amazing and look amazing and everything is so much better. Why do you care so much? Why do I care so much? Because we've been there and we know what amazing feels like, and we still want that feeling. If you didn't, you wouldn't care. So let's get it!

You either suffer the pain of discipline, or you suffer the pain of regret. Same quote, worded differently. Let's get disciplined! I will if you will.

xoxoxox- I heart you a million, thank you for your strength today, cause I don't seem to have it in me. I couldn't do this without you.

D

Cindylew said...

Maybe in April it was more important for you to take care of all of us...your veteran friends and newbies like me and Kristin and Robyn.
Well...we're now on our feet so definitely make May "all about Draz" and we will all be her to support you in any and every way we can.
You're special to me Draz...both me and Horton.
Love you!

Sherry said...

Hmmm...Alot of food for thought here. I think I may *be* that overweight woman you saw walking. Just like you at your thinnest, I had (have) good days and bad. I exercise most days but maybe not working as 'hard' as you. Am I less loved? Probably not. Maybe more. Who knows? Will I care at 60 that I lived my life overweight? who knows? What I know right NOW is that I spend at least some moments, every single day, feeling jailed by my body image and I wanted to feel free. The band helps me have that without "killing" myself.

So in the physical sense, yea, being thin naturally (i.e. without WLS) is probably 'harder' than being fat naturally, but mentally, don't you think its easier?

I would venture that having that not having societies fat judgements on you every day is mentally easier. But who knows? I've never been thin so I really just plain don't know.

I'm Just Another Fat Girl said...

Dear New Friend...

You Rock.

Also, I had know idea we were the same age!

Bob the trainer said something tonight on TBL tonight that I thought was great...Stand up and finish what you started. That is day by day and sometimes minute by minute (or meal by meal).

I will tell you like I tell my Kitty...just because you can doesn't mean you should. Just because you can skip a workout doesn't mean you should.

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. YOU ARE MY HERO!

-jafg

Shaggs said...

Oh girl this post brought back so many painful memories for me. I hated myself and tortured myself for over 20 years over my weight and my obsession for food and even when I'd get down to a goal weight the hell was still there it never ended - it was a thorough addiction and I was an addict who was NEVER going to be happy. The only thing that cured this addiction was removing the ability for food to be a drug to me (via lapbanding) food just does not have the power anymore. People talk about losing the weight and feeling good being the best thing about the band but for me its the mental freedom the freedom from the prison I was in for so many years my brain is finally free I am free!!! I dont hate myself anymore and I make better choices because of it. I no longer spend my life fighting an addiction I'm actually living. I'm not at my ideal weight and thats ok I know it will come with time all I know is I'm not thinking about my next meal and counting points and calories and exercise etc etc etc and that takes such alot of energy away from being a happy human being - I just wish there was a magic pill for everyone to be able to take to cure themselves of this god awful addiction I never thought banding would have this effect on me but I'm so glad it did and it breaks my heart to hear people torturing themselves over something that is an almost uncontrollable addiction. I've just read your next posts and I'm so glad you're feeling better and back on it good luck fighting the fight I hear you girl!

Beth said...

That may be one of the best sayings I have heard in a while,I will definitely take that with me. I can really understand your pain, which is one of the reasons I have my band, I could not longer handle killing myself to lose 5 lbs and with one bad week gaining 10, it brings you to a very dark place! I guess that's not much help for you, but what I can say is I know you can do it, you are stronger than your cravings, stronger than your lack of ambition to work out and stronger than your fear of fat. In my opinion all you need is to one little thing and build on that momentum, eat one good meal and that proves that you can do it, so if you can do that than you can work out than you can avoid sugar for a whole day and you just build and build and the next thing you know you reach a mini goal!
Good luck, MAy will be your month!!!
*Beth*

Ronnie said...

Thin hard! ...Sorry. Still reading through. LOL