Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Haunted by Kotex and pee socks.

Someone is haunting me. I am not making this shit up. It’s not possible.

Remember the pantyliner incident yesterday from my blog? (which by the way I have stopped worrying about what the Prez and VP thought cuz Genie @ Diet of 51 swiftly pointed out that they wouldn’t have noticed the pantyliner cuz all they were looking at was my boobs.  Good point huh?).

Anywhoozle….get this. I keep my lovely monthly stash of toiletries in a cupboard under the sink in the bathroom. It is the only thing under there. No one else goes in there.

My husband gets up at 4am – he is in said bathroom for quite a while each morning getting ready.

I get up around 6am. I walk into the bathroom and in the middle of the floor - like one of you stalking bloggers is trying to mess with my already f*cked up mind – is a cute little square purple package of pantyliners. All by itself. Taunting me.

How did that get there? How did the husband not see it?  Step on it?  Trip over it?  For real. The door to the cupboard isn’t open like someone was even in there. (I have kitties – but no – door is shut)

What the holy hell? Is that not the oddest thing ever considering my little moist towelette Chicken ala Kotex incident? It’s like the feminine hygiene Gods are taunting me. I am haunted for sure.

Leave it to me to get haunted by tampons....while normal people get haunted by dead people and Satan.  Wow - yah - it pays to be different I guess.

And then to top it off – get this. I decide whatever – if the ghosts in my head wanna play with me at 6am fine – I’m too damn tired to even care or freak out about it. I move on.  I sit on the toilet to pee.

I have on 80s socks. By that I mean socks that are so long they could be leg warmers. I like to live in the 80s. I kicked ass at hair teasing and I inhaled enough Aquanet to explain why I’m crazy still today. That whole sock scrunching over leggings thing – I still dig it….behind closed doors when no one can see me.

Okay well – I have on these socks. I am peeing. I start to pull off my socks….cuz I’m a woman and I have to multi-task. I can’t just enjoy peeing you know? I pull on the sock by my toes and keep pulling for what seems like an eternity. Somehow by pulling the end of my sock ended up between my legs – in the toilet – of pee. I did not realize this – because yes ladies – we’ve been over this – I am still comatose – until I am done peeing.

It is not even 6:02 am and I have been haunted by Kotex Gods and now have to deal with a pee-drenched sock.

You guys – what the hell is this karma that is invading my life? I hate butts and vagizzles and anything to do with them and what comes out of them and I nearly heave at the site of a toilet. What have I done to deserve this hell?

Did I mention it’s 6:02am?

You’d be proud of me. No piss karma is gonna scare me. I wrapped that pee sock in my other non-pee sock – and went on my merry way. Turns out all that extra material on my llloooonnngggg almost leg warmer socks can come in handy when you need to wrap something up in them that’s been soaked in pee.

Now which one of you stalkers is going to fess up to the pantyliner deposit you left so subtley for me this morning? Cuz I know it was one of you. I blame Gilly.

I will find you. Remember – I know people who know people and Mama Pimp sees everything. 

15 comments:

Kristina said...

FANTASTIC way to start my day! A daily dose of Drazil goes a LONG way! lol You are so hilarious!

The Monkey and Me said...

You had me snorting and in hysterics with this one. Maybe it's Drazil or Sheniqua doing it to you.

Gilly said...

It was totally me. And I'd do it again!

tessierose said...

Okay, something is wrong with my dashboard, your new posts didn't show up and I go 3 whole days thinking you didn't post anything....then I realized I missed out on some really good stuff. So, that being said, I laughed til I cried this morning! I have a bad kotex story too. Once I had a 44 oz. diet coke in a styrofoam cup and I put it in my cup holder, were it was promptly pierced by a pencil. Diet coke was pouring out everywhere, the only thing I had was a giant kotex, so I put it in the cup holder and well, it's very absorbent...it soaked it all up, then I get out of my car at the office to go throw the cup out and walk around, do a few things and go in the bathroom, stuck to my dress is the giant swollen kotex...nice huh?

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Oh Draz....One more thing with the kotex and you should be good cause u know it comes in 3's

Stephanie said...

I think it's Aunt Flo, your friendly neighborhood poltergeist. maybe what you need to do is go into the bathroom, shut the door, turn out the lights and say "Bloody mary" three times into the mirror and see what happens. Rather appropriate at this time of the month, don;t you think? :)

M said...

Oh my, I cant stop laughing...I hope that you are laughing by the time you read this lol.

Im having a giveaway on my blog:
http://dailylifewithm.blogspot.com/2010/05/giveaway-classy-and-sassy-charms.html

Sandy Lee said...

It was probably stuck on your sock yesteday and fell off when you went to bed. Maybe check your backside right now to make sure none of them are "stuck" to you. Come on, I know you just checked :)

Crystal said...

lmao, and i thought i had it bad with karma... girl, i don't know how you do it... the only thing that i've ever drenched my socks in is shower water when i once forgot to take my socks off before hopping in... seriously, who did you piss off lately? lol! good to see you taking it so easily tho, and not letting anything frustrate you.. even if you are comatose when it all happens :)

Carmen said...

maybe he is having some leakage issues and thought he'd try out a pad?
:-)

Band-Babe said...

BOO! Just kidding. I wasn't me. I'd leave candy or something all around. Not feminine hygeine products. Ew.

Katie J said...

I actually paid Rambo to place it there to freak you out :-D Bwaahhaaaaaa

susieq4givn said...

oh wow...what a way to start your morning! I really enjoy reading your blog, you make me laugh!!

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

Are you sure it was there? Really really sure? Because I'm not sure that package was really there.

The pee sock, now I'm pretty sure that was real...

Bonnie said...

Very funny! I'm surprised you could even see that little purple package at 6 am. I can barely see anything at 6 am. And multitask? No way that early.