Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I'm not strong enough to keep moving mountains...

Hello buddies!


I am happy to report I’m still going apeshit over exercising and eating right. I skipped yesterday’s workout so I could give my legs a break after doing 7.5 miles in heat indexes over 100. Tonight I will do a 5k and Thursday and Friday I’ll do 4 to 5 miles before I go see Jenny. Sheniqua WILL get off my ass one way or another. She’s a nasty ho and lately I hate her more than usual. It’s summer here – and I love to live in bikinis. That is not to say I should or that I don’t scare anyone off who catches a glimpse of me in one BUT it does mean I’ve been wearing them lately which forces me to observe the damage I did over the winter. It ain’t pretty folks. I put on a string bikini this weekend and at one point lost the string in between my side fat rolls. I’m not kidding. Sick. I have incredibly flabby flanks – either I never noticed them before my tummy tuck or they’ve gotten bigger due to the lipo I had….who knows…they are there and they are getting big enough to name. Sheniqua has always wanted friends – and she’s got ‘em now. But not for long…

My eating has been pretty stellar. I’m staying way under 1000 cals a day and burning anywhere from 500-800 depending on how far I run/walk. Last night I did some volunteer work at school and all I had for supper was bread. Me and the Pillsbury Dough Boy are tight. I’m his Pillsbury Dough Girl. We’re cool like that. I could live on bread. Like for real.

I had an issue last night and it knocked me on my ass. More than I’d like to admit. I had a literal fight in my own head with myself (I’ve admitted I’m crazy before so this shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone). I actually asked myself, “What would my blog buddies do/say?” I did things I’m not proud of….all in the name of something that doesn’t even exist. A relationship that is only in my fantasies. But for one moment I thought I had it – and I did everything but move mountains to make it exist for longer than a moment….and for what? I really don’t know. He’s still just a man who can’t be the father I need and want. And I’m still angry and saddened at the core of me – no matter how much I pretend I’m not.

I need to admit that I am damaged – probably forever – and I have a right to be. I am angry that due to being bedridden from depression I was forced to change, go through therapy, find my way, figure out my worth, and go on living – and he was not. He gets to live just like always. He gets to take a pill and say he’s better than he was 20 years ago when I needed him most. He gets to pretend I don’t need him now because I’m 35. He gets to say I don’t know any better, I was never taught, this is who I am, take it or leave it. He gets to say I love you but I can’t show you.

And I either accept it or lose the little part of him I have.

I either learn to be grateful he even speaks to my kids – or lose those few words every couple of weeks completely.

I guess I am most angry he isn’t pissed or saddened that he has nothing with me. How does he see me and not feel stabbed in the heart like I do when I see him?

I read a quote in blogland yesterday that said….

• Carrying around unforgiveness in your heart is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die from it.

I feel like I drink more poison each time I see him or don’t see him. And he doesn’t even notice I’m dying. And it’s a choice to not see me dying – because he isn’t blind. I’m mad he makes that choice. I’m mad I even care when my life is so full in so many other ways. I’m mad I even feel the need to blog about it. I’m mad I made you guys read this. I’m mad I haven’t found a way to make peace with this….at 35 effing years old.

I
Am
Mad.

I am carrying this hurt for a reason. There is a payoff….and it’s not cuz it gives me something to write about. I have to figure out how to let go….or I’ll lose more of myself than I’m capable of giving.

I mean really – let’s face it – I’ve given him all of me over the course of my lifetime and now given him a son-in-law and two beautiful granddaughters to boot….and it’s still not enough to force a change. We kind of had an unspoken connection under everything as I grew up…a sort of understanding that he couldn’t be what I needed and I could allow that and love him even more in spite of that.

Now – things are worse. And I didn’t expect these feelings – to come back so strong or worse at 35.

As a kid I was too young to understand him so I was just sad. I went out of my way to make him see me or talk to me or notice me. I thought it was my fault. I wasn’t good enough.

As an adult I am old enough to understand him so I am just angry. I have stopped trying to make him see me, I don’t talk to him, I try not to notice him…and he makes it easy. It is not my fault. And I am good enough.

I’ve just got to find a way to believe those words….cuz frankly…I’m done moving mountains – it’s too damn exhausting.

And you guys have got to be sick of reading this crap…….


21 comments:

Bella said...

Wow, that was hard to read.

Not hard because I have no sympathy for your feelings, but hard because i've been there, and still am in so many ways.

This last week i've been through a rollercoaster of reading some wonderful blogs about all the reasons you should allow yourself to FEEL these things then tonight i'm at the f**k it stage and i'm like so OVER trying to analyse the stuff coz it just makes me tired. *Yawns*

Unfortunately, I can't think of any easy answer for you. You could always confront your father, but then it would probably make it easier for him to stay away, which would hurt you even more....

Do you want to join me in the can't-I-trade-in-my-parents club?

((hugs to you))

:)

Dinnerland said...

I'm sorry. It's great that you can access your feelings and talk them through... keep doing it.
I believe that drinking poison expression is an AA expression-- my therapist has said it to me... I totally agree.
The key is ACCEPTANCE-- not change-- because you will never get your father to change.
I love the AA serenity prayer for this, that's why it is on my blog.

As for the first part of your blog: you worry me a bit with the exercise and spare eating.

Stephanie said...

have I told you what an amazing writer you are? It's hard for me to agree with the statement "Carrying around unforgiveness in your heart is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die from it." Tehre are certian things that that can't be forgiven. I know in my own life, forgiveness is not something I would ever give my father and if that is a poison, so be it, but I would rather drink a thousand gallons of poison than forgive a man that stole my innocence and forever scarred me. I will let go eventually, but not until he answers for his crimes.

I wish I knew what to say to you to help ease your pain as it stems from your love for your father. You can only do so much, sometimes you just have to let go and realize that you are a strong, beautiful, insightful woman and you deserve the best of happiness in your life and don't deserve the pain he has caused you.

Dinnerland said...

Sorry-- I posted too quick about the worries...
I just wanted to say that you deserve to feed your body and exercise in a healthful way....be kind to yourself, punishing yourself won't make your father change.
Hugs.

Linda said...

I'm so bad at trying to comment and say something meaningful and not sound trite, but here goes. You are obviously working it out with writing about your feelings. You know the rational things that you need to accept what he can give you and take it or leave it. Yet your not in a place to sort it out rationally when so many raw feelings are involved. Keep writing and you'll get there.
xxxxlinda

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

He.

Chooses.

To.

Say.

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

He.

chooses

to

be

LDswims said...

An email is coming...surely you must know that. :)

In the meantime. Here's the trick.

Forgive yourself. You have done nothing wrong here or ever in this relationship and you are taking it on your shoulders like this is you. Let THAT go.

Crystal said...

*hugs* to you

my dad has a hard time showing feelings too, but i don't think my situation can even compare to your's, so i can't even pretend to know what you're going through... all i can say is hang in there... instead of focusing on what you don't have, focus on what you do - a loving husband and two wonderful kids... try to keep your dad as an afterthought...

and we'll NEVER be tired of reading your blogs - happy or sad!!

Jess said...

"I feel like I drink more poison each time I see him or don’t see him. And he doesn’t even notice I’m dying."

You're not dying. Cut that out.

As you know, I'm so not a feelingsy person but I'm with Dinnerland and that AA stuff, "The key is ACCEPTANCE-- not change-- because you will never get your father to change."

He played a big role in shaping who you are. You're strong enough to move mountains because of him. I'm not saying be grateful or thank him, just accept.

Corletta said...

Girl,
As a therapist and and one who has a dysfunctional relationship with my dad, I COMPLETELY get it. If I didn't think that it would take FOREVER to type, I would tell you my story. Though it's a day to day struggle, I have to remember that I am nice and respectful to him not because he deserves it, but because that is what I am called to as his Christian daughter. I love him, but having a relationship sooooo difficult (not because of me). I have tried lots of different things to let him know how toxic his our relationship is; however, he's in denial. You know what? I have done my part!!! From reading your story, it seems like you have done yours!! I had to ask myself...you should do the same..."What do I, you, gain from holding on to the hurt that he will, probably, never get? I appreciate you and your story!!! You have NO idea :)
p.s. I did not proofread this long dang comment :)
p.p.s As always, you CRACK me up!

Tricia said...

I can so relate to this.

The fucked up part is that as much as I blame my father for so many of my shitty traits and no matter how much I can't STAND so many things about him...I don't know how to hate him. And sometimes I wish I did. Just to be able to not care what he thinks anymore and to be able to officially push him out of my life. Instead I have this senseless guilt everytime I think "fuck you, dad" in my head. Why? He deserves my hate. Why can't I just give it to him?

Do I really want to hate him, or do I just want to care less? Or not at all?

Ugh, hate this shit.

I hope one day we'll both figure this out. At least a happy medium would be nice...

Bonnie said...

I'm sorry you had to deal with a parent like this. I wonder who you would be if you'd had a different father.

amandakiska said...

Sometimes the best we can get from our parents is an example of what NOT TO DO for our own kids. It isn't fair because you deserve a daddy who loves and adores every little thing about you.

Leslie said...

Hey Drazil -

You always melt and break my heart simultaneously when you tlak about your father. I respect you incredibly for your honesty and having the courage to feel this shit.

You may be no where near ready, willing, able or desirous to contemplate what I'm gong to suggest, but I'm telling you about it anyway.

In AA, resentment is considered to be one of the worst offenders and risks to sobriety. Even when the resentment is "justified", which yours absolutely is. That is where I first heard the thing about taking poinson and expecting the other person to die...a by-product of resentment.

But at some point, in order to begin to really move on and not be continually emotionally bolluxed over whatever or whoever the resentment is about, there is a strategy that can truly help. Even if you don't mean it or want to do it. Here's what it is, from the Big Book of AA: begin to pray every single day for the person. Specifically pray that he gets everything in life that you want...love, health, peace, whatever. Even if you have to say, "God or Universe or whoever, you know I don't mean a word of this, but I'm asking you to bless this man and give him all the good things in life that I want..." It sounds crazy and new agey, but if you get to a place where you want to begin to contemplate the possibility of forgiveness, this is a good place to start.

Please know I mean no disrespect or think you need to do this. I just want to share it with you and tell you that it has absolutely helped countless folks begin a process of forgiving. We never forget, but forgiveness is what sets us free. Whether the offender deserves it or not. Hang in there and keep the faith.

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

Isn't it funny how we can have full, rich lives and still mourn the lack of relationship with a special person? There is a person like that in my life & I struggle with it every day... just so glad its not a parent. Every day I question whether I should be content with the sliver of a connection we have or if I'd be better off with no connection at all. I struggle with my Mom, but its no where near the ordeal you've been through with him. I am so sorry you've had to deal with him & the fallout for your whole life... but I'm thankful for the person all of those expereiences have molded you into... because you are amazing & wonderful! xoxoxo

The CilleyGirl said...

I look forward to the day when you come to understand that you do not have to move those mountains.

I know for some they believe it is their duty as good christians or whatever that they have to be loving and respectful towards a parent. Personally I think that's crap. You, and also now your girls, are the number one priority in your life. How can anything outside of you attempt to govern your mental health on this issue?

Weird as it sounds, I am enjoying (and maybe that's not the right word) your anger at your relationship with your father because I believe it is moving you towards liberation from all that crap and then to healing. I'm probably not expressing this well at all, but I hope you choose to live for you and live for your girls. There is no guilt or shame over that.

Ice Queen said...

Actually... No, I'm not. I am glad to be here to "listen" to you work this through. That seems to me what you are doing. It takes time and we all come to resolution in our own time. You will come to yours. When you are ready. Until then, talk it out as much as you need to. *hug*

Cindylew said...

I'm sure I speak for most of us when I say that we never tire of "reading your crap". I'm sorry your having such a struggle and as I search for something insightful to say, the truth is, you already know all of the right answers...as you said, you just don't believe the words.
Forgiveness is NEVER about the other person...it's about yourself. You yourself said it that it tears you up that he doesn't acknowledge or seem to care about the hell he's putting you through...and you're right...he doesn't...and you'll never be able to make him. What the forgiveness will do for us all is to finally release us from the hold the other person has, even if only because of our obsession with them.
Many people also don't get that forgiveness doesn't mean that what the person did wasn't horrible. It just means you're no longer going to allow what they did to consume one more precious moment of your life. My not forgiving them, the only person you are punishing is yourself.

Vaia said...

D - I hope you writing on this blog is as cathartic for you as it is to some of us who read it. You are amazing lady!

Carmen said...

i never get tired reading about you and your life! i don't always have much to say, but i always listen

xoxo