Tuesday, May 25, 2010

If the coat fits......hell....try it on.

Ugh – no one here gets it..

….I mean really gets it.

What being overweight does to your head. What having boobs the size of the Titanic does to your mind. What it takes to overcome what it’s done to your brain once you think you’ve lost the weight and kept it off.

No, I have not been overweight my whole life – that was brought on and continued by yours truly with pregnancy. I did however, have HUGE boobs most of my life and having them changed me in every way. In high school I could beat anyone at the 100m dash – even won track titles doing it…but stopped the day a guy I had a crush on said something about how could I see when my boobs were hitting me in the eyes while I ran?

I wore huge clothing – thinking I could hide my boobs so no one would make fun of me. I endured constant jokes about the size of my tatas because well – kids are cruel. I refused to wear certain clothes or go swimming because of them. I shopped in plus sizes for shirts and could never find matching pants in the size I needed. I bought my wedding dress in a size 20 and they had to alter the waist to a size 8. Instead of shopping for my dream gown – I shopped for wedding dresses that made my boobs look normal instead of ginormous. I wasn’t me – I was the girl with the big boobs. It became my identity.

So….I chopped them off (well, the doc did) and I lost my pregnancy weight. After that I even paid out of pocket to have another doctor take off my hanging skin – because I became the girl who got healthy but hid in her clothes still due to her hanging skin. No tucking in shirts, no fitted clothes. No way – so the tummy tuck ensued…..and now I wear bikinis like I own nothing else – because my scars and stretch marks are who I am. They are my journey marks.

I came from a size 16, 226 lbs (I'm only 5'3") and once E boobs – and on a good day I’m 161, size 7/8 and a C boob – and this weekend I even bought a size small shirt.

Unfortunately – I do not see this. I see the old me. And today I showed that old me to everyone else here and I felt embarrassed about it.

Our company ordered clothes from a catalog – the kind you can’t see or try on before you order them. I ordered a fleece jacket and a vest. I like jackets bigger you know. Everything in me was going to write down 2x when I ordered but I didn’t.

I ordered a 1x jacket and a large vest....scared to death they'd both be too small.

Today they came in. We all tried on our clothes in front of each other. I put on the jacket and it’s everything I wanted it to be. Translation = I can hide in it and no one would know what size I am underneath.

Four other women standing there. One said, “that looks ridiculous”. Other said, “that is huge on you, you’re swimming in that.” Other said, “why on earth would you order that size?” Other said, “you should never have ordered anything bigger than a medium.”

I stood and argued. Yup – argued.

I said, “It’ll be winter, I’ll have big sweaters under this. I like my coats big. This is what size I am. I think it fits just right.”

They just shook their heads. Like they’re mad at me because I can’t see the size I really am.

The whole experience made me sad and angry really. Why did I do all this work – pay all this money – endure multiple surgeries – if I wasn’t going to let myself see the outcome? If I wasn’t going to take pride in my work? If I wasn’t going to look in the mirror and see what everyone else sees?

It’s just not that simple. Is it?

You all get it if you’ve endured the same fears and faced the same weight loss world I did. I know you do.

But unless you’ve come from that place….you just can’t get it. And you can’t understand that it’s not like flipping a switch and voila! – you see all the changes you’ve made. The memories, the fear, the things said to me – some of those things will stay with me forever. They make me who I am. They were what spurred me on in my journey some days.

Other things like realizing what size I am? Well that’ll come – all in due time.

Until then – they can all kiss my fat baby’s ass….cuz they haven’t been there. Instead of rolling their eyes at me like I’m some crazy person – they should try a little compassion, a little understanding….

Or they should try on my HUGE (in their minds) coat….it will probably fit them just right.


Bonnie said...

I remember when I was younger this guy said I had thunder thighs and I thought it was a compliment until someone explained that it wasn't. It's amazing how things stick with you.

-Grace- said...

Preach, sister!

kagead said...

Honey, not only do we come from the same place, I am pretty sure we are twins.

I'm 5'3" (on a good day), 226 lbs today, 40DDD in most bras, 40E in others. I wear a 16 on the bottom and anywhere from a 1x to a 3x on top.

I *GET* it and really wonder if I will ever get OVER it.

I had a very similar experience when a company I was working for treated us to some team spirit wear. The girl doing the ordering was a size 0 soaking wet, and I was MORTIFIED when I told her I wanted a 2x in a pullover fleece. I wasn't embarassed about what she might think (didn't really give a rats ass about that, frankly) but the fact that I needed to order something that big. She did the same thing- are you SURE??? Yep. I was.

Can't even imagine what will happen down the line.

Don't worry, we will all beat some sense into you in Chicago. Why? Because we like you. :)

Barbara said...

ummm. if you have any left over boobage you don't want.. can I have it.. to supplement my A cups..

Jo said...

Isn't it amazing how you can get 100 compliments, but 1 snide remark can stay with you a lifetime. It does make you who you are, but it doesn't have to keep you from being who you can be. When I find myself making a smart remark, I try and remember the hurtful things in my childhood and shut my trap. No good things come from tearing others down.

Time to order the right size Drazil and see yourself for who you are. Take tons of pics and post them on your frig, mirror...whatever. Celebrate your success. You've earned it many times over.

LDswims said...

I'm right there with you! I always, as a very normal sized teenager and twenty-something year old - wore "big" clothes. I liked the way big jackets and hooded sweatshirts felt on me. I liked t-shirts that hung low enough. And in some ways it was hiding and in some ways it was also just that, quite simply, it was comfortable. My grandmother and mom would get so mad at me for wearing an XL when I should have been in a M or even a S.

I have no idea what I'll be like when I lose this. Right now, an XL fits. But these XL shirts I like to wear for workouts, for example, I bought when I weighed 163. (I'm 229 today.) These shirts were never meant to fit and now that they are starting to get back to how I intended them, I like them. :)

I did wear more fitted, more tailored clothes...when I had to. And I wonder who I'll be when I lose this weight. Will I be the girl who my family always wanted me to be? The one that wears things that "fit" and, to me, feel constrictive and small? Or will I be the me I've always been, at least for 25 years, wearing comfie baggie clothes?

I get it.

Jenny said...

In my junior year of high school my knickname at my job was Knockers.

But now its good, because my DH is a boob man! I know, TMI. Love ya!

Sarah said...

Totally get it. Wear it with pride if that makes you comfortable girl.

Cindylew said...

I can relate sista...I've been fat and thin and fat again.
I started at 240 and made it to 130 and a size 6. My mentality at a size 6 (when I too got excess skin removed from tummy and boobs) was pretty much the same as when I was huge. I didn't wear 2x clothes but the style of what I wore was that of what a larger person who was trying to conceal their fat would wear. For whatever reason, whenever I wore anything clingy or form fitting, I felt like a slut.
Maybe one of these days we'll spend as much time working on our mindset as we spend on our diet and exercise.

Ice Queen said...

Yeah. I get it. I am beginning my changes: I am still way obese and I have boobs the size of the Titanic. I often wonder what the hell I am going to do, hwo it will feel, how will I move through the world as I get smaller.

I'ts kinda freaking me out.

But I am not going to let it stop me.

Anyone who would give you a hard time about the size jacket you bought definitely doesn't get it. And they need to shut up and mind their own beezwax.

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

Yeah, I get it, too. The brain is the last place to lose the weight.

Sandy Lee said...

But you are in a bikini. That I couldn't do. I think we have to keep staring at the mirror and look at our old pictures. I bought a large top this last weekend and it was really hard buying the smaller one. I still see the little bulges and fat roll, yet I saw the same top on someone else today (and she was fat) and it looked good. We gotta keep trying. That's all we can do. I have a big baggy winter coat because I like to be warm with tons of sweaters. I don't think I could ever go for something small and tight. So you get to choose. Not them.

Jess said...

You sure do like to point out how insensitive I am...I know I'd be one of those women telling you you're nuts. So, on their behalf, sorry for that.

BUT, I do understand. You should see how big the clothes I'm wearing are. I'm 5'2", 167 pounds and I wore a size 18 pants and a 2XL shirt to work today.

(Just saw my word verif is "ovexplin". I just can't win with you.)

Jess said...

Oh yeah, and totally off topic but I thought of you today and have to share...

I was in the ladies room and realized that Flo had come to see me. I wadded up some TP until I could come back with the proper equipment. I guess I was a little careless, as I pulled my pants down, the temporary wad just barely missed the toilet. I didn't realize until I was done. Ew.

Bella said...

I've only lost weight once in my adult life (and have since put it back on and then some) but, for me, I reckon that was half of the reason I'm back where I started from.... NOT enjoying the new body for all it was worth.

Don't get me wrong, I went into 'normal' stores and bought 'normal sized' clothes, but I did still buy the sizes/styles that I was wearing when I was overweight.

I was smaller for at least a couple of years, and the only nice clothes that I splashed out and bought were for work (I LOVE nice business suits)... in my personal life, I was still wearing 'miss dumpy' clothes.

Sounds like you're the opposite? More comfortable at home than at work?

I reckon if you ever solve this one, you can sell your story love off the profits, because we'd all like the answer :)

Bella said...

... or live off the profits... whichever you'd prefer ;P

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

If you come up to the solution for this you can quit your job with exploding man and be independently wealthy. I'm constantly amazed at the smallish size of the shirts that fit me these days. I naturally veer toward the bigger sizes and have to forcibly remind myself to go look at smaller things. And learning that baggy isn't always better is a lesson I don't think I'll ever fully wrap my brain around.

Btw, your comment about me looking like a Disney Princess literally made me cry. No one has every said anything even remotely like that about me... it was the best compliment ever! :)

Dinnerland said...

I hope that one day you will be able to get past this... it sounds painful and difficult but understandable.
I've never had these issues-- I look better in the mirror to myself than I actually do in real life. I guess that's called denial???
It's still the same issue of getting your head around what you 'actually' look like. Very interesting post.

Vaia said...

Oh my gosh lady - this is seriously one of my favourite posts of yours. While I am excited and happy to be on a weight loss journey - a part of me is nervous (actually mildly terrified) that I will either become some skinny bitch or worse, become insecure and hide behind big jackets too. You are right when you say that if someone has never been large-turned-to-thin then they really won't ever get the mixed array of emotions that absolutely comes with the territory. Big boobed girls unite D!

Vaia said...

Oh my gosh lady - this is seriously one of my favourite posts of yours. While I am excited and happy to be on a weight loss journey - a part of me is nervous (actually mildly terrified) that I will either become some skinny bitch or worse, become insecure and hide behind big jackets too. You are right when you say that if someone has never been large-turned-to-thin then they really won't ever get the mixed array of emotions that absolutely comes with the territory. Big boobed girls unite D!

Crystal said...

i'm the exact same way... i've always worn clothes bigger than what i need, so i'm more comfortable... now that i've gained a lot of weight, i'm even worse... i look at people about my size and wonder how it's possible they could be wearing an 8 or 10 when i'm in a 12 or 14... for example, my stepdaughter... we measured ourselves and found out we are the exact same size everywhere but our boobs (i'm small, tiny even, so if you want to donate, i'm ready!)... anyways, she wears at least a size smaller than me... and she's WAY more confident about her body! everything she wears is very flattering! i just can't do that! it's crazy, isn't it (thats a retorical question by the way)

Beth said...

I love you and all you have to say, I can definitely identify with what you are saying. I still walk around in my cute little Medium dress looking at people to see if they are thinking I am waaaayyy too big to be wearing that. I don't know when its going to go away, but I sure do hope it will soon. Its a heavy weight on your shoulders, which takes even longer and more work than it was losing the weight ergg!